But I Thought

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a recluse to some extent. I just prefer to be at home, not big on visitors, and just enjoy time with my children. My home is my sanctuary and where I feel safest however with my schedule I rarely get that opportunity. Today I started to think about how I emailed my mother and got this auto-reply stating she would be out of the office for a few days. Then I realized that I get that message quite often and usually it’s because she’s on a cruise or some other vacation (she takes lots). I don’t get a personal message way in advance saying “Hey gonna be away…” or telling me about upcoming fun or even, as I’ve recently found out, invites too many parties she’s thrown. I can tell you as a teen when I was home it was in my room with the radio up and the door locked because even when I was in the house there wasn’t much conversation so what was the point.

 

Guess what I’m attempting to say is that she made me what I am. She made me back away from her and the family and created that distance. It’s not JUST me that put me here it’s her too. Sadly she does go to lunch with my sister often and has a weekly breakfast date with one of my brothers. The other brother actually lives with her so he gets to be there and included regardless. Jealous… maybe? More so for my children who long to have a grandmother like the one I often speak of. Someone to spend the night with and go to movies and bake flan and more. My mother always said that my grandmother treated her differently than I and that I got all the love and hugs and the “good” side, and maybe I did, but maybe it’s because I offered it.

 

I can only clearly remember one hug from my mother in the last 21 years and I was 17 at the time. I want to remember more but I don’t think there are any. Just self therapy I guess… someone’s gotta do it.

 

mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 27, 2009

my father is that way,i can`t even talk to him.