How Can I Quit Adderall????
how am i going to stop? i keep justifying getting my adderall every single month. right after I met my boyfriendI poured an entire bottle of adderall down the toliet b/c i didn't like the way I felt around him on it. I hadn't met someone I liked as much as him in a really, really long time so I didn't want to mess things up with him. Then I gained so much weight- literally prob. 10 pounds in a month that it freaked me out and I thought I would loose him if I kept gaining weight because it was the middle of the summer and we live in a city near beaches- i couldn't be fat in the summer was my justification for getting it refilled the next month, and the month after, etc. etc. I told him about my addiction last month after dating him this whole time and really thought that since I told him I wouldn't get it filled again. Then what did I do last Friday? Get it filled again. It is the most bizarre mental game I play with myself every month- I get the adderall, do something stupid the first night I get it like go out and drink/waste money/ practicing guitar all night, then I feel like crap the rest of the weekend, have a productive but tired first work week, have a really tired next work week, then by then I run out of my rx. I spend the next week literally doing all I can just to make it in to work and make it seem like I am doing something more than just trying to keep myself awake- I have gone and parked in parking lots on my lunch break just so I could sleep for an hour. Then I come home and go to bed super early. By the following week I have pretty much caught up on my sleep- but still need to go to bed early. I feel happy, healthy, and content with life- the only issue is I still hate that I'm hungry all the time and have gained back the 10 pounds I loose the 2 weeks I take adderall. It's a process that has been going on this badly for about 5 years- I have been taking adderall since I was 15, so that's 10 years total taking it, but only about 5 years abusing it as bad as I am now. my mom is very aware of my addiction but started taking adderall herself about 2 years ago and has since started the same process I am in without abusing it as bad. I am perscribed 40 mg a day but usually take about 80-100 mg a day, who knows, probably more somedays I'm sure. I get hives on my chest, my heart literally hurts in my chest, my skin gets dry and gross and my hair starts to look like crap. my eyes look terrible and I know I have really high blood pressure. I just don't get it- I know I need to simply contact my doctor and let him know that adderall is a problem for me and he shouldn't give it to me anymore but I just can't do it. Before I started taking adderall, I was overweight, depressed, and never got much accomplished. It just scares me to think of dealing with gaining weight and struggling with food the rest of my life. I do not carry weight well on my body and I know I will hate myself if I get fat again. I realize that over time the weight may be put back on if I stop taking adderall, but I know that I also could start a regular work out routine and get on a healthy eating schedule and it will come off. I just am so scared to go through that process because I don't want my boyfriend to have to deal with me getting fat and blah blah blah. I even worry about gaining weight so I won't fit in my clothes anymore and I don't have enough money to buy new clothes. Everything in my life is good right now- 2 steady jobs, great place to live, dating the love of my life etc, etc, but I feel like it's all resting on eggshells. I feel like this cycle I deal with mostly by myself is going to come crashing down when something happens to me- like a heart attack or brain anurism or something. My teeth are already looking kind of bad from grinding them when I take adderall. I can't imagine what this 2 week on 2 week off cycle is doing to my body internally and it scares the **** out of me. I know I have a problem- I know I know I know but I can't afford to go to rehab and don't know how to do it on my own. WHAT CAN I DO? I am dating the love of my life and I have to get healthy for him. If I loose him because of this I don't know how I could live with myself. It's so embarrassing and disgusting and I just am so lost as to what or who or how can this stop. When will it stop??? Please give me ideas, comments, etc. HELP!