Today Is The First Day...

Well...here I am, almost 8 years later and during that time, I have been taking Vicodin, Lortab, Percocet.  It all started when I began having horrible dental problems and was prescribed the pain medication.  About 2 years ago, it became a real problem.  Before that, I would take my medicine and that would be that..no cravings, nothing.  Then 2 years ago, after running out of pills from my dentist, I felt I had to get the pills from somewhere and I did.  I justified my behavior by convinving myself my husband knew what was going on but he didn't.  In fact, I felt so gulity I had to tell him and when I did..he was furious for me lying, and being addicted.  I was the one on the pedastool, never doing any wrong, being perfect and now I fell from grace.  I couldn't lose him so I promised him I would only take again if I had a severe dental problem and I repented to God the same.  Well, about 4 months went by, and here I am again...I make weekly visits to the dentist, or shall I say dentists getting my "meds".  I feel so guilty about my betraying behavior, to my husband and to God.  I repented and look at me now...How we he ever forgive me.  My husband is aware I have been having more dental work done and he knows I have been taking the pain meds but not to the degree that I do.  I feel that I can never tell him because he told me before, if it happens again, he's gone.  He is not one to forgive.

So, I have decided to quit, I want to quit.  I want God to forgive me.  I want to be happy.  I don't think I have ever been truly happy, except of course when I abused the meds.  And for maybe an hour, I feel so good but then that feeling ends and I am back to reality, back to being me, back to the mundane.  I was able to quit before for 4 months but here I am again.  How do I stop for good.  I want to but I don't know if that is enough to stop the cravings.  I don't want to lose my husband over anything, let alone this.  It's really not that easy for me to obtain the meds now and I sure as hell don't want to go to extremes to get it.  I just want to be done with this....It has been 19 hours since my last dose.  I do have xanax to help calm me but I want to fix the deeper issues and not just put a band aide on until the problem happens again in 4 months...

nicolewaters nicolewaters
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 2, 2010

Hi I know what your going through. I have taken vicodin for the last 10 years. Before that I was 18 years sober.. I had some surgery and it messed up some nerves. Worst pain ever..first I wouldn't,t take anything, but it was so bad I finally did. Worst mistake ever. After the pain was gone. I would still take them every now and then for the good feelings.did this for about 4 years. Then because of my addiction and some personal things it got to where I have been taking 30 - 50 mugs a day. I am trying a rapid taper at home.. My husband doesn't know about this and it OK s tuff hiding it. I sure hope it works. If you can try a taper if not try the Thomas recipe for fits and stuff good luck.

So how are you both doing? It's been almost a year now.

Hi Nicole-Thank you for sharing your experience. You said "back to the mundane" and I couldnt agree more. For me, even if it is a 20 minute utopian high, I am happy-but the moment that dose starts to wear off, its like I am back in reality and nothing changed.<br />
<br />
I was only able to stop completly for two weeks, then my back started to hurt after a road trip and I was right back where I started. <br />
<br />
I dont know how to quit, but I know that more than anything, I want to be done with this as well. Anyway, I hope you have a good day and thank you again for sharing this.<br />
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-Rachelle