I Feel Like I Need to Cut Or Od On My Xanax.


I feel like I need to either cut or OD on my xanax...

Once again my mother has put herself first.  I just can't take anymore of this and don't think that I can continue to look past all of the pain she causes me just because she is my mother.

My dad died of cancer 3 years ago and the night of his wake she told me that he was not my biological father.  Then she told me that my real father was the man who she ever truly loved and was her first teenage love.  The man who raised me and my biological father were best friends in their early years.  In fact, right before I left my dad's wake my cousin pulled me aside to introduce me to "an old friend of my dad's."  Little did I know that this man talking to me was the man who was half responsible for my existence.  I went to my mother's house after the wake and told her about what had happened as I was leaving the wake.  She became very silent and then started to tell me the truth about where I came from. 

To make a very long story short my biological father has demanded that I change my last name on my birth certificate to that of his last name.  He has also demanded that I never associate with anyone who I had ever considered "family" because "I belong to him".  My mother has completely taken his side and has blown me and my son off so that she could take the easier route and so that she could get what would make her happy.  She even went as far as telling my biological father that his best friend and the man who raised me knew all about the situation and knew that I was really not his child.  She made him believe that his best friend betrayed him on purpose and she has forbidden me from telling my biological father the truth.  The man who raised me loved me and stayed with me because he had NO idea that I was really not his daughter.  She lied to my biological dad because she is too much of a coward to take the blame on her own.  Becuase of this my biological father has said terrible things to me about the man who raised me and had no regard for the pain that his words caused me.  I was only a baby and didn't know any better.  But I have decided that no matter what I do my mother will never change her decietful ways...so I'm going to write him a letter and tell him the truth.  Then I am going to tell him that the donation of his DNA 26 years ago does NOT give him the right to demand anything of me. 

This is why I started to cut and this is what started this unbreakable cycle of pain for me.  Now it is almost 5:30 am and I am going to swallow about 7 or 8 xanax and just pass out to forget this horrible ******* night.  She doesn't give a **** about me, my brother or my son.  I'm finished.


Mmczar26 Mmczar26
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 8, 2009

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Don't Feel Bad, For Other People's Messed Up Ways! Your A Great Person! Own It!!! !!!

Hi Mmczar, thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like a tough situation to be in; bizarre even and not something most people should have to deal with. But these are the cards you were dealt. I'm not saying its not a ****** hand but I know from experience that the more you try and numb your pain the less you are able to actually cope with your emotions. It's back tracking. And Readsome is right. This is about you. At some point every kid starts to realize that maybe their parents aren't always right and know whats best, that they are people too with selfish tendencies and bad logic. What your mother did was wrong, and I'm sure somewhere she knows that. She lived with that lie your whole life and maybe now she's trying to pretend it didn't happen the way it did. The truth is really what makes life unbearable, sometimes lying to yourself is all you can do to get through the day. But please, please for your own sake, for your son's sake; don't let someone else ruin you because they made a bad decision and can't admit that to even themselves. Be grateful that you had a wonderful dad (because he raised you of course he is your dad) and cherish your memories of him. Don't let her ruin that image of him, and also try and remember that your mother is probably going through a hard time as well. People show grief in many different ways, and family really is something you should work to keep. Forgive, but know where you stand in the situation, and never ever forget. Actions speak volumes about a person. It would take a lot of being the bigger person to do these things I know, i don't doubt that this shook your world, but please don't use xanax as a crutch. Try to get off it, have a glass of wine and have a talk with a good friend. It's so much better for yourself if you face up to it. I promise. In the long run it will be worth it. And I wish you good luck.

None of this is about you. You are you. Just because your Mom and (biological father) are jerks does not say anything about you. I am sure you are a wonderful person. <br />
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Think of what's right in your life. Think of your beautiful son. Live for him and yourself. Forgive your parents. They are what they are and you cannot change them. Most importantly, forgive yourself. You are an exquisite person.