Expresssing This Is Scaring Melooking at my neice... i see a care free, courage , willingness to do anything that catches her attention..
i envy her , even though she is 1 years old. she is pure and her love is screaming out to everyone around her.
its been years total were ii was willing to meet ,create , and express without having any sort of negative worries.
now , i can say ,people all around me , the people i call friends and close family members knows i am the best person to vent to. i listen, analyze and reflect from past experiences and lessons learned and give them my sincere opinion and advice.From that .. they got use to me listening.
the stuff they vent to me about is mainly arguments they have with their significant other. i see the clockwork fights and think how the time they waste on stupid fights ,crying over hurtful words, and simply going crazy on whats going on eachother mind... then i laugh. why waste time on that? they are so tunnelvision on ones well being..opsessed if you will.
but them coming to me now for my opinion makes me proud in a sense that i can be there for them all! .. everyday, repetitive.. then just got use to me listening..
hmm why do they come to me, to them im strong, independent, self disipline , and a positive person over all. they all say " im not the person i used to be."
okay so years ago , when i was 16 to be exact i was out there, loud , fun , fierce, brave , i threw events, gigs, fight nights, parties, i was that girl.. i was really social, i had thee boyfriend, had my gals i partied with, ... i was living in the moment... then this all disapeered .not at once but faded away fast..i trusted people so easily , i talk about anything that came to mind.. never looked down on anyone. then, all that ugly in relationship started coming over the years being with that one person.. the fights, all the tears, all the yelling, losing trust, losing the respect . the after math from that relationship and the people i let in my life open to so many feelings i never felt. i felt love, real love !!! pain, so hurt i thought i was physically dying , and then for a brief time i felt a hate .. hate not "i hate them " not some kiddy teenage hate. i was 18 years old when i became single then a year pass again..then i found out lies he told me within the friends i had trusted. who i loved .. lies!! the trust!! the possibilties and still unanswered questions over powered me. hate ..the feeling i was alone in my room , feeling hate is ugly. i felt like i was on fire, my mind was spinning thoughts of killing, suffering,dying,pure insanity.my inner demon came out in the flesh and wanted to play.but i seen it looking at the mirror.. then it was gone. i chose NEVER AGAIN. never will i think , do or surround myself with negativity.
im 21 now , then and now i learn self disipline and fight temptation and successfully been drama free. dont talk to the people i used to. dont go out much.. i have a loving family that show me how to laugh again..
reflecting now and then.. its a blur.. now i can say i am loss.. i dont know if im happy.. sad, mad .. i dont know.. i havent express anything since feeling that hate.. the people who vent to me got so used to me asking questions and listening;they not once ask "how are you" im not crying over that cause i put myself out there with a smile on my face..
but times like this.when im alone.. i think.am i happy? i see my cellphone and nothing.. no one.. i have no one to vent to.. no one cares about me.. yes i try dating, guys and girls....but they dont catch my attention, they all try to get me but now i see no point.. they seem fake.. ..
since i buried my thoughts and pain i can say i lost the memories.. of him.. im trying to think of his face and its a blur.. i forgot how love feels.. i forgot how laughing so hard is.. like post traumatic stress or something..
i thought i was fine...but im not sure.. writing this i am thinking out loud. .. all this was in my head?
now i see all my friends different from what i wrote few paragraphs ago.i envy them . i wish i can feel what they feel.. i wish i had someone to love me someone i can love.. someone to listen or ask me stuff about me..
knowing i felt anything before gives me hope.. i remember this one time i was drunk with a friend. she was onthe phone with her exlover , crying so much... i let her be... and im sitting therein the kitchen.. and look at my phone.. no text .. i wanted any sort of feeling.. so i grab the knife and cut for the feel the pain... sudden thoughts like who am i ? and why do i care ..
wow...typing this .. im losing it.. and no one knows.. im not gonna comit suicide.. ilove my family too much.. but i dont know what to do..this second .. i am crying... i feel sad... for the first time in a while.. but im scared now cause emotions from the past, toughts of him , them , are going to eat me again.. was this a mistake letting this out ,,
i see my neice and i see how i used to be