Bored, Stressed. Don't Read This. It's Babbling Nonsense Like Mein Kampf.

As this is a random writing, whoever does inevitably read this, know that there will be no particular sense of order. I will write down thoughts as they come to mind.
I am not like other people. I never have been since the day I was born. Thrown against walls and yelled at by my father when I was an infant, emotionally and physically abused by my father's girlfriend every summer until I was ten years old. To attempt to rectify how I was damaged, my mother became overly protective of me and my two sisters. Not only overly protective, but overly attached and emotional as well. She always placed me on a pedistal, saying I was more mature and more intelligent than most people in the world. Even higher than my pedistal, is the one she placed women. "Protect women," "Never lay your hands on a woman without their permission," "Never raise your hand to a woman." Protect, protect, protect. For every single day since, I have attempted to convince myself that these have never had an effect on me. I see now that I was wrong. I have noticed these past few years that every girl I'm interested in have "daddy issues" and are very insecure. "Daddy issues" include mostly deceased/missing fathers as well as abusive ones. I get very overly attached to most every girl (that I have feelings for) that comes into my life. This, naturally, scares most away. My entire life i've been attempting to protect girls. I have never once trusted one to be able to take care of themselves. I'm not sexist or anything of the sort. Logically, I know that they can. However, emotionally, I cannot seem to believe this. I give everything in a relationship, I wish I could be like other guys who don't give a damn. At least it seems that they have it much easier. They don't constantly berade girls close to them about being involved with guys they dont trust or just doing things that don't make logical sense. I get so overly attached to girlfriends I can't help but worry every time I don't have contact with them for a lengthy amount of time (20 mins or so). Because of this as well as other reasons, I have tried to force myself into their lives, getting distressed when they don't tell me when something is wrong, or what is. Even now, my current girlfriend does not reply to me. I wish I could care less. It would be easier on the both of us. I always ask myself, for what reason is it so terrible that I want to know everything that happens in my girlfriend's life? Why is it so difficult to tell me? ME, who watches over their state of being. I would gladly tell them anything they wanted to know. Why is it so difficult for them? Why do I even ask? Other guys don't care enough to really persue what is bothering someone. Or maybe they do and they just don't care whether they know or not? I constantly find myself asking these questions. The answer? Bull. There are no answers to emotion. Its a cumbersome, useless thing. Without it, I wouldn't have to care about anyone. Just self-preservation.
Every passing moment is now pain. Its been two hours already of this. Of course she will reply that nothing happened tomorrow or whenever. Then there will be another fight of some sort. Or maybe shes trying to get distance from me like last time? I'm not planning on replying to her messages tommorow, *if* she texts. I'm usually the one that does. She can decide whether or not she wants to talk. I wonder if she realizes that she does this to me? I believe I am losing my mind, most days. The stress is so great i feel it in my stomache and left shoulder. It makes me want to dig into my skin with my nails and rip it off. I sound like a nutcase. Anyway. I also fear that when she reads this, she will try to always reply to me because she knows I hurt, not because she wants to. On that note, I'm still waiting for her to prove or show her love for me. I have pondered far too long. I'm going to watch a show or something. Get my mind off of her somehow.
SweetHero SweetHero
18-21, M
Dec 15, 2012