Being Unable To Explain Is What Gets Me

 


Not being able to explain my problems is what gets me the most. These waves that keep occuring much too often finally took a toll on me. I began to type my symptoms into the google search engine and the first thing that pops up is borderline personality disorder. I laughed because then I didn't really know what it was. "haha, I dont have other personalities!", I thought. I clicked anyway..

As I got deeper into reading on the web, my stomach instantly tied into a knot. I'm not lying when I tell you that almost every symptom matched up to how I feel when a "wave" comes to hit me.

I was with my boyfriend. He didn't know what I was reading but he knows what I have been going through. Sometimes when I feel like I need to vent I end up sending him milllions of texts trying to explain my emotions but they end up being jibberish.

So I started reading things off to him, he instantly took an interest. But later on after talking he said, "Well I feel that way when I get sad too." I started feeling so stupid. I hated that I even mentioned it to him. I just shut up about it and started watching t.v. but my mind wouldn't stop thinking of all I just read. I HAD to get back on the internet. So I took my phone out and started reading again. My eyes teared up because I was so scared and then I started to cry. My boyfriend didn't understand at all why I was crying and couldn't stop. and I dont know the reason either other than fear but it didn't feel like I was scared anymore. But the tears kept coming.

There are too many thoughts/feelings for me to describe right now in words how I feel when these waves come.

I remember about a month ago, for two weeks I didn't have a wave. Looking back at those two weeks, I want to go back so bad.

I don't think I have severe bipolar disorder if its even bipolar disorder at all. I'm not going to do anything about it either. I do see a shrink but I have never mentioned any of this to him because well, it sounds ridiculous.

I just want feedback I guess. The internet doesn't have all my answers and I know no one else will but I just feel like I need support from somewhere. Even if its people telling me I dont have bipolar disorder and that im ridiculous for even thinking that I do...that would make me feel ten times better
There is so much more I want to say right now but its really hard to type all these thoughts out clearly..i dont know.

thanks for reading this.

lehbam lehbam
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 30, 2010

I honestly think you should talk to your therapist about it. Because it is not ridiculous. It's a everyday battle tha may help you fiugre how to explain things. I'm still new at understanding my bipolar, but If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here for you.