I The True Story Of Me
I have always known this was a problem, and for a while i was confident that i had it underconrol. But then i began to lose that confident and i became afriad of myself, afraid of what i might do. I started to develope a second me, a me that i had no control over and a me that was aggressive and dangerous. That i had conviced myself that life just isn't worth it anymore. I also have be in reconvery for my eating disorder, which sucks alot out of a person, you lose intrest in everything you love because you become weak and fatage.
I wanted it to end that it would be better off if i was gone, and i had a plan all sorted out of what i would do. But i came to my senses and new i needed to tell my parents what i was thinking about. So at 11 pm on a school night, i called my mom at work and told her i was have suicide thoguhts and i need help. She sounded scared and angry with me, and it made me feel horrible, thinkin gi had lost all trust in my parents, a trust that i worked so hard to keep.
After we got off the phonei wanted to get some sleep because my body was so tired but my mind was racing with thought and was making me confused. But before i knew it, my dad came into my room. He gave me a lecture about why was i thinking like this, and he too sounded upset with me, and i was being to think that telling them wasn't the best idea.
My dad told me that if these thoughts were really happeneing that i needed to go to the hospital. I didn;t want to leave until my mom was home, so my dad said that he was going to stay in my room until i fell asleep, but he feel asleep before i. I stayed awake until 3am in the moring.
The Wednesday moring i left to the see my therapist at the program that has been treating my for my eating disorder. i talked to my therapist to see what she had to say, and with 2 hours of talking with her, it was decided that i was going to the hospital and see what would happen form their.
Once we got their and seen my the first docter, i then spent 3 hours being tested on by some many different docters, and once i was done with most of my testing i was taken away from my mom and dad, and brought to a lock down place. Where i put in a room that had a couch and a table.
The man that put me in my room told me that an intaker would be in here soon to speak with, same with my parents. then i was left alone againg for about 15mins, when a police man came in. he said
"Hi, my name Tony i will be checking in on you and everybody else every 20mins.If you need anything just call and i can bring it to you,"
Then he left and i was alone and confused, the other kids their were their because of the same reason or because of drug useage and some where just Mentaly ill. It made em think *Why am i here? im not mentaly ill,* But to only find out that i WAS mentaly ill, and that i would be staying at ward to start my recovery.
But the thing about this ward was it was a non-locked ward. I would have 6 group therapy every day, and i would be watched 24/7, but i could rome the ward and never locked in my room. I was here, because it was my decision to get help, and i was not a real threat to myslef unless i started thinking.
When my family would visit me, i was worried of how and what they thought of me and if i lost all trust in them. But they told me how proud they were of me for telling them that i needed help, rather than not telling and standing the risk of death. They said that they actually trusted me more, that now they know and trust that i will come to them and be honest with them. I got closer with my parents, and built a relationship with them, that some kids dont have.
My time there was so benifitical, and i became close to everyone their, including my phychiatrist and staff members. Everyone understood you there and no one else mattered but yourself.
But one day like on my 5th day there i was feeling really down, a day my family couldn't come visite me, even thought they have visitied me every day i have been their. It was a day that noting happened, i was on my own., and it was mandated that we go on a walk and going for a walk was the last thing i wanted to do. But i did go along with the 9 olther kids their, and about 10 mins with in the walk, i begane to feel like i was about to break down. i was in the back of the group, and one if the whaters his name was Phill would look back at me every once in awhile. But i was alone in the back and i have the voice in my head that said.
"Look behind you!" and i did "You could run and get away from here, get away forget this every happened,"
I wanted to run, tun away from the group. I convinced myself that i could do it, that this was my chance to get away from here and i wished i didn't have this problem. But there was two things that was stopping me from running. One where would i go, if i went home their was no way my parents would accept what i have done, they would bring me back to the hospital. And two, because I know Phill would have cought me, he is faster than me and when he did catch me, i would have to stay longer.
So i forced myself to forget that thought and just stay with the group, and then we went out side, the first time i have been out side in 5 day. It was night time and the breeze of the cool winter air blew over my face, and the smell of the out doors. It felt soo good and i forgot what it was like to be out side and what it felt like, that it brought tears to my eyes.
This girl standing next to me, another patient named steffinie took in a deep breath and said.
"ugh i forgot what this felt like,"
"i know, it makes me just want to run away," i said
"Aww, please dont, i dont want to have to watch that," she said.
And that made me forget the whole thing, and i just gave up on myslef. i went back to the ward and spent my last 3 days getting back on the right track, a track that would stear me in the right direction.
I made so many new friend, friends that i was unable to collect any info just for safety reason, but that didn;t mean we could be friends with in the time we did have together.
Im might not be fully recovered, but i am o the road to recovery. I learned up so much and i gained more confident and courage in myself than i did acouple weeks ago, before i left for the hospital.
I wanted it to end that it would be better off if i was gone, and i had a plan all sorted out of what i would do. But i came to my senses and new i needed to tell my parents what i was thinking about. So at 11 pm on a school night, i called my mom at work and told her i was have suicide thoguhts and i need help. She sounded scared and angry with me, and it made me feel horrible, thinkin gi had lost all trust in my parents, a trust that i worked so hard to keep.
After we got off the phonei wanted to get some sleep because my body was so tired but my mind was racing with thought and was making me confused. But before i knew it, my dad came into my room. He gave me a lecture about why was i thinking like this, and he too sounded upset with me, and i was being to think that telling them wasn't the best idea.
My dad told me that if these thoughts were really happeneing that i needed to go to the hospital. I didn;t want to leave until my mom was home, so my dad said that he was going to stay in my room until i fell asleep, but he feel asleep before i. I stayed awake until 3am in the moring.
The Wednesday moring i left to the see my therapist at the program that has been treating my for my eating disorder. i talked to my therapist to see what she had to say, and with 2 hours of talking with her, it was decided that i was going to the hospital and see what would happen form their.
Once we got their and seen my the first docter, i then spent 3 hours being tested on by some many different docters, and once i was done with most of my testing i was taken away from my mom and dad, and brought to a lock down place. Where i put in a room that had a couch and a table.
The man that put me in my room told me that an intaker would be in here soon to speak with, same with my parents. then i was left alone againg for about 15mins, when a police man came in. he said
"Hi, my name Tony i will be checking in on you and everybody else every 20mins.If you need anything just call and i can bring it to you,"
Then he left and i was alone and confused, the other kids their were their because of the same reason or because of drug useage and some where just Mentaly ill. It made em think *Why am i here? im not mentaly ill,* But to only find out that i WAS mentaly ill, and that i would be staying at ward to start my recovery.
But the thing about this ward was it was a non-locked ward. I would have 6 group therapy every day, and i would be watched 24/7, but i could rome the ward and never locked in my room. I was here, because it was my decision to get help, and i was not a real threat to myslef unless i started thinking.
When my family would visit me, i was worried of how and what they thought of me and if i lost all trust in them. But they told me how proud they were of me for telling them that i needed help, rather than not telling and standing the risk of death. They said that they actually trusted me more, that now they know and trust that i will come to them and be honest with them. I got closer with my parents, and built a relationship with them, that some kids dont have.
My time there was so benifitical, and i became close to everyone their, including my phychiatrist and staff members. Everyone understood you there and no one else mattered but yourself.
But one day like on my 5th day there i was feeling really down, a day my family couldn't come visite me, even thought they have visitied me every day i have been their. It was a day that noting happened, i was on my own., and it was mandated that we go on a walk and going for a walk was the last thing i wanted to do. But i did go along with the 9 olther kids their, and about 10 mins with in the walk, i begane to feel like i was about to break down. i was in the back of the group, and one if the whaters his name was Phill would look back at me every once in awhile. But i was alone in the back and i have the voice in my head that said.
"Look behind you!" and i did "You could run and get away from here, get away forget this every happened,"
I wanted to run, tun away from the group. I convinced myself that i could do it, that this was my chance to get away from here and i wished i didn't have this problem. But there was two things that was stopping me from running. One where would i go, if i went home their was no way my parents would accept what i have done, they would bring me back to the hospital. And two, because I know Phill would have cought me, he is faster than me and when he did catch me, i would have to stay longer.
So i forced myself to forget that thought and just stay with the group, and then we went out side, the first time i have been out side in 5 day. It was night time and the breeze of the cool winter air blew over my face, and the smell of the out doors. It felt soo good and i forgot what it was like to be out side and what it felt like, that it brought tears to my eyes.
This girl standing next to me, another patient named steffinie took in a deep breath and said.
"ugh i forgot what this felt like,"
"i know, it makes me just want to run away," i said
"Aww, please dont, i dont want to have to watch that," she said.
And that made me forget the whole thing, and i just gave up on myslef. i went back to the ward and spent my last 3 days getting back on the right track, a track that would stear me in the right direction.
I made so many new friend, friends that i was unable to collect any info just for safety reason, but that didn;t mean we could be friends with in the time we did have together.
Im might not be fully recovered, but i am o the road to recovery. I learned up so much and i gained more confident and courage in myself than i did acouple weeks ago, before i left for the hospital.
By:
Victoria1996
Age:
16-17
,
Female
