And Sometimes That's Not Enough

6 Months. Yep.

And it actually hurts more now than it did then.

I didn't think that was possible. I thought I was healing, little by little. Two steps forward, sometimes one step back. But moving forward.

But recently I found out just how much time had not erased. Not even smudged a bit, no blurring on the edges.

I wasn't healing...I was burying it, the way I always have. I don't deal with things. I put them away. I know they are there, sometimes I look at them a bit, maybe dust them off. But I don't deal with them in any meaningful way.

I bury by ignoring how much things hurt. All the time. Yes, I do write about it. Filled a few journals. Have more than likely bored a few on here. But to really talk about things. ...No. never.

In conversations with people, I gloss it over. Maybe bits and pieces here and there. But, I'm the one that's here for everyone else. That's a great way to bury it all.

But lately... this time....just this week...I got smacked in the face with it all. In ways that defy reason. I never knew how people could be so deliberately cruel.

I got investigated. When that didn't match the story of the clients, then I was interviewed by their attorney. During this I found out how disrespectful deceitful, and sick these little rat bastards are.My character, my integrity, my relationship has been dissected, and examined in ways that make my skin crawl.  But still not content...the interviews have continued.

6 hours yesterday. I finally just told their lawyer to pound sand. I also hired my own lawyer.

All this over the possibility there might be money somewhere. Money I don't want, or need. I'm not entitled to. And in all these months have never thought about. The thought of this is sickening.

And sick I became. (trust me...yakking in a lawyer's office is an interesting experience)

But then there was more.

My cousin is coming to the end of cancer. We all know it...but again... the green eyed monster has raised her head. And for the sake of peace, my calls are limited. I doubt I'll be able to visit, since I'd have to pass the dragon at the gate. Self appointed.

I am all but invisible here in my own home. Errand runner and house-elf.

And while I'm target of the self appointed matriarch (a marry-in) I am still the one called, for everything. The fix it person, the care taker. Not good enough to grace her serene highness table, but more than adequate for the grunt work.

My own "whatever the hell this is" has asserted itself again and the physical pain is sometimes blinding in it's intensity. Dr. says maybe anxiety.

And days and nights run together in a stream of grey.

I find more often I am disappointed when I wake up in the morning. And more and more often I see the sky lighten before I fall asleep.

For me, these months, these days and nights, have really erased nothing.

More and more often I wonder why I bother...doing anything.

We have had grey, rainy days that I find myself grateful for. I can walk and cry and no one notices. Of course there isn't anyone to notice.

I turn the water on and shower, and find my tears mingling with the water.

No.... time can only erase so much....and sometimes it's just not enough.

Tzech Tzech
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

I'm new as of today...and not certain what I think of this site. Also, your post seems to be a part of a much longer narrative. I don't know why I read it. I did not intend to look past a "dream interpretation" just for fun this morning. But I feel a deep concern for what you are feeling. And although I don't know what is at the root, I am certain that I should say ask this question: Are you praying? I have found that when I encounter such HUGE battels like legal matters, defiant illnesses, and that looming "gray" that leaves me in confusion that I am actually the subject of a much bloodier battle on another plane...where good and evil fight to save or destroy me, respectively. I might just have been led here to help?? I will not be offended if you choose to spur my "religious" point of view but consider my offer to pray for and even with you. I believe you may actually be on the precipice of an amazing victory of some kind!