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Not Feeling Guilty At All......why?

Been married 8 yrs and living with him for 12 yrs  I just cheated a few weeks ago, and I feel no guilt what so ever.  I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, if that makes any sense.  It was with an old fling from high school, and I want more!  But we live over 500 miles apart, and he's in a relationship and told me he felt very guilty so he doesn't want it to happen again.  Darn.  Maybe he'll change his mind next time I'm in town.  Is there something wrong with me because I feel no guilt....NONE.....and I love my husband and other than that, we have a fairly good marriage.  The thing that scares me though, is that I would probably drop him forever for my fling. Thank God we live so far away from each other.

greenfairy greenfairy 31-35, F 51 Responses May 3, 2007

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You love you'll husband you selfish woman, what about your husband's feeling's and the other man and woman's feeling's.

Hello! I do understand the way you feel, I think the key concept in your experience is I may leave him forever due to the other man. Ok, just think that that "another man" being the one 100 miles away or not, can reappear soon and I would just assume (I dont know your husband), but if he still has feelings for you, knowing about the betrayal will hurt him more than the really tough task of talking with him upfront about your feelings. Thats the only way to go: to talk, otherwise you will feel frustrated and thoughtful about other person and your partner may be exposed at a really painful situation. Betrayal put me in a major depression that I had an extremely hard time to get out of.

That sounds exactly like what happened to me, except I'm the "guy in a relationship," and I did feel bad. It was a friend from high school who's married, and she hit me up when she was back in town and threw her self at me. I didn't want to cheat, but I felt like I was denying my man hood...I had to get wasted with her and talk myself into it. I'm married to the girl I cheated on now, and last night this absolutely beautiful girl literally threw herself at me and I said no,... NO!!? She was a ten!! I feel like an idiot but proud at the same time. It feels weird. Thus why I find myself on a site like this.

people wgo aren't ready to accept how they feel cheat and lie ...but if you love your partner tell them and see how to keep from destroying lives... I believe that kind of betrayal is why so many never trust anyone again ... the thought of you being sexually inadiquit is unphatomable, love is supposed to conqure all ,right ????

I do understand and feel the same way. i have been married 20 years, and have cheated regularly for the last 10. some people just dont get the monogomy thing, and i guess im one of those. i always wanted more lovers. i do love my husband and children. id not leave my husband for anyone, and hope he never leaves me .. but i just ave a "need" and many dont understand that... so i understand you not feeling guilty

I wanna learn from you Lisa. I am not kidding. How do you meet right partners for this kind of relationship? How are you able to enjoy it and at the same time not get carried away too much?
I totally want to learn from you. Pleeeease.

keep the fantasy alive and use the energy to apply to your "real" life. I'm battling a similar issue but have not yet crossed the line yet knowing that it would be a bottomless pit with no real chance of coming to positive fruition in the long term.

If you are feeling guilty for not feeling guilty, then you are feeling guilty.

I get it. I think after a while of not really being in love you get numb. The routine, the life, the marriage is just a daily life you have learned to live in. For those of you being so judgmental, yes what she did was wrong, but geeze you would swear there were saints from heaven in here. Lay off. This is obviously something she's taking seriously or why bother to post it?

I cheated on my boyfiend with a guy that was married. I have I admit I did feel very guilty but the fact that he seemed so calm about it and said he didn't feel bad about it made me relax a bit. he said that wen were simply trying to make everyone happy and that we were hurting anyone as long as no one knew. I know how you feel now. it's still going on with him and I and the feeling of no guilt still remains in him I think.

I'm also a cheater who isn't feeling guilty in a marriage that "isn't that bad". Boils down to the fact you have reasons to stay but you want to go. You need to decide. If you stay, secret to the grave this fling and don't do it again. Get marriage counseling and personal counseling. If you leave, I still wouldn't tell your husband about the fling. All these people that say he "deserves to know" can bite my ***. I'm sure they have no secrets right? It's about you making you happy instead of worrying about hurting someone else. If you were happy you wouldn't stray. I'd still get personal counseling.

I think you will find man and women are very different about this issue in general but exceptions do happen. Usually the man is the one supressing his urges.
I'm speaking from a mans perspective. Everything a man likes is frowned apon. Here are examples. 1. A man can't have more that one partner even if he is genectically designed to spread seed. 2. A man can't be with anyone more than a few years younger than him because society considers it wrong even though genetically we like younger women. 3. It's more exceptable for a woman to have a relationship with a woman but not a man with a man. (most men would deny it but they would like to try it.)

I'm just saying when it comes to the "rules of love" it wasn't men that invented most of them. We just live with them because our wives or girlfriends would simply leave if we don't follow them. That is the simple breakdown of it.

I have allowed my wife to experiment with women but I am still not allowed to touch anyone else.........

If you're ready to "probably drop (a 12-year relationship) him forever for my fling...", a married man who at least has the decency to feel guilty about his betrayal, and who doesn't want a repeat performance, they by all means, you should. You obviously don't belong with this man you married. He certainly doesn't deserve somebody like YOU! The fact that you feel no guilt simply means that you DON'T love him... you just think you do. I'm certain that you don't know what love IS! Even if you did, you nevertheless chose your own ba<x>se desires over your 'love' for your husband. Nice... real nice. Hope he cheats on you.

Hmmm. I suppose you just needed a break. Maybe you're just plain bored and needed and uplift, maybe you left something incomplete wit that person (although if you want more you definitely haven't closed the cycle). Men go and cheat all the time and it seems somehow effortless for them, why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing? It was just physical anyway. It also depends why you keep on with your husband, is it just for the safety, the company? I have a loving boyfriend too and haven't cheated yet, but at times I feel like I need this freedom to do it, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend for a fling... There's these book called The Ethical **** maybe you are just the type who can "multitask", seriously its a book am not joking or anything. Good luck!!

"Hmmm. I suppose you just needed a break." Jeez, take a short vacation, or something. Get drunk. But cheating? Hope you aren't a marriage counselor, MCherry!

"Men go and cheat all the time and it seems somehow effortless for them, why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing?" What a specious load of crap! So if 'men' cheat all the time, YOU should be able to cheat on YOUR husband? Now you sound like a lawyer. In fact, (look it up... I did!), women cheat just as frequently as men do... so now it's okay for YOUR husband to go ahead and cheat on YOU? When are you going to tell him?

And you obviously cherry-picked "The Ethical ****." I'VE read it, cover-to-cover, and thought long and hard about much of it. That kind of stuff is all well and good... provided that everything is totally open, right from the start, and everyone is in full agreement. I don't believe I see anything like that here!

You've got some growing up to do, that's for sure!

And YOU think you are all grown up talking like THAT on the internet to someone YOU don't know? I agree with you on that maybe she does need a vacation or getting drunk, maybe she is bored, it is 12 years after all. On the other hand I sense that you may have been cheated on and that's why you are all sensitive to the topic, if so my condolences for that. It is statistically recorded that more married man cheat with single women than otherwise, it is also said that it may not be accurate because women tend to be more secretive (because of society being less accepting for them). In my experience I've heard and seen more men cheating than women and they really seem to have a particular way to deal with guilt, since they are educated to judge their behaviours and not their identity (e.g. men usually think "I did something wrong" versus women thinking - and being told by others as it is seen on this same page- "I am a ****, I don't deserve my partner"). I just think this might be more helpful than just telling the story sharer "You're a ****, leave your husband"

I'm grown up enough to recognize RIGHT from WRONG. And I know all I need to know about her on this topic. Her post says it all. Damned straight I've been cheated on... many times. Damned straight I'm sensitive to the subject; I've earned the right! I don't even bother to recount my personal experience with who cheats on whom; my little sample is meaningless. I place more faith in broad-based RECENT surveys. They're far more likely to be accurate than my own (or your own) personal poll. And all those fine distinctions about who feels what... so much chaff. Beside the point. Irrelevant. The FACT of the matter is that she chose to CHEAT on her husband, and feels NO REMORSE WHATSOEVER. How much more than that do you need?? She had a choice... and she made it. In my book, no guilt equates to no conscience, and no respect for her husband, her marriage vows, or, frankly, herself. Your turn...

Oh shut up. Judgmental ***. Who is really on here to get berated? Let the ******* person tell their story. I'm sure you've NEVER done anything that was imperfect right? Just because it wasn't cheating on a spouse doesn't make it better/worse. Take the righteous stick out of your *** and go somewhere else if this story offends your delicate sensibilities.

yes i agree, those that think only men cheat are not thinking .... they are cheating with someone, and that someone probably isnt another guy ... so ...

2 More Responses

Hmmm. I suppose you just needed a break. Maybe you're just plain bored and needed and uplift, maybe you left something incomplete wit that person (although if you want more you definitely haven't closed the cycle). Men go and cheat all the time and it seems somehow effortless for them, why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing? It was just physical anyway. It also depends why you keep on with your husband, is it just for the safety, the company? I have a loving boyfriend too and haven't cheated yet, but at times I feel like I need this freedom to do it, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend for a fling... There's these book called The Ethical **** maybe you are just the type who can "multitask", seriously its a book am not joking or anything. Good luck!!

Hmmm. I suppose you just needed a break. Maybe you're just plain bored and needed and uplift, maybe you left something incomplete wit that person (although if you want more you definitely haven't closed the cycle). Men go and cheat all the time and it seems somehow effortless for them, why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing? It was just physical anyway. It also depends why you keep on with your husband, is it just for the safety, the company? I have a loving boyfriend too and haven't cheated yet, but at times I feel like I need this freedom to do it, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend for a fling... There's these book called The Ethical **** maybe you are just the type who can "multitask", seriously its a book am not joking or anything. Good luck!!

Hmmm. I suppose you just needed a break. Maybe you're just plain bored and needed and uplift, maybe you left something incomplete wit that person (although if you want more you definitely haven't closed the cycle). Men go and cheat all the time and it seems somehow effortless for them, why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing? It was just physical anyway. It also depends why you keep on with your husband, is it just for the safety, the company? I have a loving boyfriend too and haven't cheated yet, but at times I feel like I need this freedom to do it, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend for a fling... There's these book called The Ethical **** maybe you are just the type who can "multitask", seriously its a book am not joking or anything. Good luck!!

Just divorce him I mean your just a cheater why would you want to cheat on someone I feel bad for him you should never cheat on a man who loves you I just feel bad for you husband I hate cheaters I dont know why you would ever do that!!! You dont deserve to be with a very nice man.

you are trash for cheating...not because you like one thing or another but because you hurt this man that has devoted his life to you. tell him the truth break up with him and then go do whatever the **** you want. ruin your own life but right now you are playing with that mans heart and he obviously deserves better than you...

Guess my advice to you is go with your geart. Sorry meant to post

So I just recently cheated on my husband of 3 years, and I feel the same way, no guilt at all. I know divorce would be better, but my husband has no where to live if we did. He doesnt work because he's lazy, he screams at me all the time. No wonder I did what I did. The bad thing is the other person is married to the same type of person my husband is and feels no guilt also. Divorce would cost him a fortune too as they have a house, 3 race cars, 2 new cars, new house and a business. Honestly, I can't wait to see him again. We were suppose to marry each other 11yrs ago but didn't because he chose his mother over me, but this time it's different, good different.

That story could be written by me! It's happening exactly the same, except, i'm not married (it's boyfriend) and the "lover" is single.<br />
Oh and he feels guilty because i'm hurting someone... and he thinks he's responsible. Which makes me feel worse because I don't feel it so much and I'm the one who cheated! I must be a selfish b*tch. Whatever.<br />
<br />
Anyway, this sounds awkward, but our relationship (with my boyfriend) is getting better and better... even better during the cheating phase. It seems like it brought back my sparks, the desire and I crave for more sex with my boyfriend. I see he's happier now too, which finally brings me some new sense of "guilt", because then I think of the reasons...<br />
<br />
The other guy, i'm not in love with him, he's not "the guy". It's just attraction... We just kissed and we talk quite a lot everyday. We didn't have sex yet because he would feel way too bad about my situation (I wish he was more selfish like me... because if it depended on me, we already had it lol)<br />
<br />
So now, we're going to be a few days without contact and see what happens... perhaps more longer.<br />
Maybe the sparks will be gone, a part of me is saying it's the best way because this won't take to nothing special. But the other wants to see that guy everyday!!<br />
I just hope I never fall in love with this guy. <br />
<br />
Sorry, I don't have any advice, but here's my experience.

sound like a ***** who next on your list .....

Having sex with consent with any man other than husband or bf is not cheating. I think the word cheating should carry a meaning that does not apply when adults have sex with consent

Perhaps you define it differently, but "love" means that you are willing to make sacrifices, be honest and remain true to another human being. Otherwise, "love" is an empty word. No guilt? You sound like you have sociopathic tendencies. If you betray the people who love you the most, what is left of your soul?

One of the biggest myths there are is that someone one other person can fill a person's life completely. Some times it does happen this way. A lot of times it does not. So to be aware that a marriage is not all that it could be happens to a lot of men and women. That they do something about it should not be a surprise.<br />
<br />
I counsel a lot of marriages that are not working. And frankly the answer that works in a lot of them, more than one might suspect, is for them to have someone on the side. I would like to say it is not true, but my daily work shows me otherwise. I see enough people who are brutally battered and beaten. A little sex on the side is nothing compared to that.

This is downright horrible advice. I hope you are not a practicing psychiatrist or psychcologist.

I don't feel guilty either when you try so hard to work your marriage and that person don't care well is there fault no one else, i know I try to work it out with hubby and nothing, so I'm with a man that is married too and we just see each other once in while and take our frustrations together and it feels good, just becarefull not to get caught

just because you are frustrated you have the right to possibly hurt that person for lifetime.............??what right do you have to do that. The person has only one life, and you dont have the right to inflict that pain ...pain that will not be taken by just a deep breath....................

I don't feel guilty either when you try so hard to work your marriage and that person don't care well is there fault no one else, i know I try to work it out with hubby and nothing, so I'm with a man that is married too and we just see each other once in while and take our frustrations together and it feels good, just becarefull not to get caught

Make yourself happy and enjoy the sex with whomever you desire. Cheating is awesome, it is like the air that people like us breathe

cus you're a *****

What ever the reason to be together, if you live with some one or even date for longer period of time, then you would get attachment. Love and attachment can be confusing as the relationship gets older. How do you know whether you feel regret about what you did, if you don't feel the consequence? U r just being silly to say i don't feel regret for what i did, while u don't even have the gut to taste the consequence of your action...then i just simply think you are a teenage or a silly 4 year old kid. Get the balls to tell your spouse the truth and see if you still don't feel guilty about it. Then you won't get confused about love and attachment. <br />
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personally, I don't know why people have a tendency of sneaking around, while they have all the right to say goodbye and do whatever they want, that is when i see selfishness in cheater...they want all. When you really care for someone and love him/her, you just can't lie to them. If you can, trust me you are a lost case.

well said, cheaters are just thinking of how their lust will be satisfied without thinking that if their partners will discover them, the effect to that person is lifetime. For cheaters, if you have respect for the life of your partners, then you stopped doing so..........as i said the effect is LIFETIME and we only have one life and who are you to hurt your loyal partners.