I Am So Confused!! I Want To Cheat On My Husband

I have been married for 21 years, my husband is very mentally and emotionally abusive, we have gone to counceling numerous times, he always says he will change for me and our girls, an he does but it only lasts about a month. He has cheated on me, he lies all the time, he is so manipulative, I have been faithful for our entire marriage. We are fighting agian now, about every 6 months we go thru this, but I am so tired of it, our daughters have even told me to leave him, were all afraid of him and his temper, hes never physically hit us, but emotionally is just awful!! well a friend of ours just came back into our lives, we havent seen him for about 10 years, I have always been attracted to him, last week he told me how he feels about me, when I think of him I smile alot, get the butterflies and everything. I do not want another relationship what so ever, my marriage has been very very rough, so the thought of a relationship with this other man isnt even a question, I do however want to have an affair with him. I have never ever cheated on my husband, I've been a faithful devoted wife and mother, my entire world has revolved around my family, our girls are 20 and 15. I cant stop thinking of this other man, and I am not the cheating type, when my husbamd cheated on me 4 years ago it just killed me, and I wouldnt wish that pain on anyone. I am just so tired of the abuse and the screaming at me all the time, and the fighting, I just dont know what to do. I love my husband, but I think I'm at the point where I just dont care anymore.
kiki51611 kiki51611
41-45, F
14 Responses Nov 15, 2012

I'd like to share my story with you directly.

I cheated on my husband, then i left him.

He was mean, and I'm tired of repeating the details, but by mean I intend to say that he fits into many of the descriptors of an emotionally abusive person.

I was extremely depressed, and stressed, and didn't know yet that it was because of my husband. I didn't know yet that I wanted to leave him either (incidentally, I've learned now that his behavior was similar to my mother's, which I truly believed to be "normal behavior.") All I knew at the time was that a friend I'd known for some years was a kind, quiet person that I could let my heart rest with, away from the turmoil of my home. I pursued him and requested his time - he did not pursue me. It felt as good to just spend time with him (no sex, at first) as it does to fall into a comfortable sleep after a long day of hard work.

At the time, I did not have the necessary clarity of thought that would have allowed me to (1) recognize the situation as one in which I needed to make a life altering decision, (2) plan ahead, and (3) leave my husband cleanly.

We'd tried counseling, and it just ended up a frustrating conversation, because he knew all the right things to say and attitude to have so that I looked like the angry "bad guy." I'm not a very good communicator - the words just don't come out right when I'm not confident, and I was never confident that he was abusing me.

I knew I wasn't thinking clearly ... but I didn't know what a clear headed woman would do instead.

Everyone from my life with my ex-husband knows I cheated on him, and everyone knows he was abusive, but they've chosen to continue their relationships with him.

It doesn't seem to matter *why* I cheated, only that I did.

So it would seem that the "person" of me doesn't matter nearly as much as my adherence to social norms. To them, it seems to be OK to yell at and belittle your partner, to promise to and then not stop drinking, to take the children out at 3 am to "leave me" after drinking and yelling, to regularly threaten to leave, to regularly dismiss the thoughts and opinions of your spouse, to disregard any sexual discomfort, to threaten to leave if we don't have sex, to behave in a domineering way, to remind me of "all he does" and "how little I do", to remind me of how wrong I am, to tower over me and yell until submission is achieved, even to become physically violent...

...but it's not OK to indulge in the peace brought from spending time with a person who does not do those things.

I wholeheartedly admit that I should have handled leaving him very differently. I would never repeat 2013 again for anything. I'm unhappy about the person I became while I was with him.

I'm also not ever going to remain in an abusive relationship for any amount of time for the sake of "fighting for the marriage."

It hurts a lot that the people who "love" me don't understand what depression and stress will cause a person to do. Suicide is recognized as something people do while severely depressed... I'm not sure why it's such a far stretch to believe that what I did was due to a depression caused by my husband's abuse! It has turned out to be "social suicide," for sure.

He has been all over Facebook telling his story - even to the point of posting about the demise of our relationship, my infidelity, and our sex life. That post itself was abusive. He's turned my family and friends against me. I haven't put anything private about our relationship "out there" ... because it's nobody's business, and honestly, I'm very ashamed of my behavior.

I've told my immediate family and close friends about the abuse, but they continue to have a relationship with him. My sister even told a mutual friend, I 'must have been egging him on' when he threw a chair at me. My mother told me that because I didn't say anything to her the entire time we were together, she believes now I'm making up a story to get out of taking responsibility for my behavior.

I feel homesick much of the time. Talking with my family hasn't helped - it's a very superficial relationship now. The man I am with now is not welcome to join me if I socialize with the people I knew before I cheated. I'm not even welcome to bring him up in conversation. He has been a patient friend through the healing processes of abuse recovery, the process of divorce, and of learning to live with myself. He is a dear friend that I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with.

Sometimes I think about how I could garner my family's acceptance "again." The truth is, though, I was never accepted by my family unless I proved to be the same as them. I was accepted complete by my father (who passed in 2010), but I was always seeking acceptance from the rest of my family.

I guess I'd figured out how to get it.

I know that life would be superficially "happy" again, performed as an act so that I might be approved of by my community.

Maybe if I would have complained more, with more confidence, during the marriage... or had the clarity of thought to leave when it got rough, I might not have lost my entire social structure.

Anyway, this has been my experience with Abuse and Cheating. I'm interested to know if anyone else has a similar experience, or any comments at all. Thank you for reading.

I have a similar situation but I'm still married. My husband knows but I've never admitted it. It has completey shattered my life. My husband is no longer mentally abusive and I think that's why the guilt is eating me alive right now.

While I was cheating I pretty much checked out of my marriage. I walked in egg shells for years and was called " cun+, bi+ch, *****, stupid. Dumba $$,etc) pretty regularly. I was convinced for the longest time that I deserved that.

Anyway, some people know the rumors and it doesn't matter why I cheated, I'm still being damned. My husband knows he use to mistreat me, idk.

I'm thinking if killing myself, people are just so incredibly cruel. You would think I murdered someone. I know what I did was wrong but at the time I just didn't care because I was so unhappy and dead inside.

you need to cheat on him and humiliate him and leave him. he sounds like an ******* and probably should be sucking ***** for a living and giving the money to you. Find a safe place for you and your daughters and then divorce him and take every last penny he owns

You really need to go for it. Make sure. It's very naughty and your lust for this new man is at a peak. Make it as sinful and do him as if you are( pretend) you are a hungry **** wanting this unfaithful leashes so desperately!! You will want it all the time ..you go sexy girl!!

I'm in a very similar situation, only I love my wife.
Write me if you wish.

Are you asking us because you need enforcements that tell you its okay or did you just need to get it out? I think you already know down deep what you should do, have you talked to your girls about this? It sounds like the three of you are open and honest about what goes on....I say do it, leave him, and become happy...not in that order if you don't want to!

Save, or hide $5,000 and remove your name from all credit cards, accounts. A lawyer will serve the divorce papers to his job, so you will be gone with the money, and even the young addults.

Just do it! It will feel so good !

Dear , If you cheat your husband you will destroy your kingdom wich for many years tried to construct,the answer you said already " I wouldnt wish that pain on anyone" so think at least on your kids...

I know exactly how you feel cause I feel the same way. Only a couple differences in my story. My husband is physically abusive as well as emotionally abusive and constantly cheats on me. I know the reason I want to cheat is not even sexual I just want someone to enjoy spending time with me and actually wanting to go places with me. I want more of an emotional affair but if it progressed so be it. I would say try everything thing you can think of to fix the relationship and if it doesn't work leave. If your stuck like I am then consider cheating (i know people are not going to like that I said that) because at the end of the day you should be happy and if having an affair helps you make the best of a bad situation then so be it.

I would recommend exhausting all options first. Like going to couples therapy (don’t force him to go), AND therapy for yourself perhaps (what role to you play in all this), give him ultimatums (stop abusing me or me and the girls will leave), acceptance (this is the life and I chose to accept it the way it is and do nothing), etc. IF none of the options work AND divorce is not among them, THEN cheating is your only option left to fulfill your needs. I would recommend you cheat with a married man; someone who has as much to lose as you do. Then, do your homework well beforehand as to not get caught. Keep it clean and discreet. As a person who has cheated and got caught, I tell you to tread carefully down this road. It hurts everyone involved including yourself and “the other man” and his wife and kids too if it applies. For me, it was a lot easier explaining what options I had, that I had tried all of them first and then why I made the “mistake”. From your brief description of your husband, he most likely will say you were just getting even for cheating on you so be prepared to answer that question. Good luck!

I hope you will one day find happiness, however that may be.

If you Leave your husband it won't be cheating. Sounds like there's reason to consider leaving.

Why are you still with your husband?

Do your homework and prepare yourself first. Make sure this very lucky guy knows what he is in for. He has to understand from the beginning that this is for fun and that he has to keep his mouth shut but he will soon learn that another man's wife is the best sex there is. Make sure you can handle this because once it's done, you live with it. If you can come to terms with the fact that it is what it is then go for it. You should both have fun with it. And remember that the most beautiful panties in the world are the ones laying on the bedroom floor.