Frustrated Newlywed

I never thought in a million years that I would be in the position that I am in. If someone would have told me I wouldn't have believe them. But here I am, I am a newlywed. I have been married for 4 mos. and 7 days and I have a horrible sex life. My husband seems to have ED and claims that it just started in 2012 with me and he has never had this problem before. Sadly to say is I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. I don't believe my husband because it's so severe. I don't believe my husband because it took for me to make him an appointment to find out what it wrong. I don't believe my husband because his nonchalant actions shows otherwise. For example, if I was a man and my stuff has been working and I have never had any problems the minute it stops working I'M CALLING IN THE ARMED FORCES, because we have a problem that needs to get fixed ASAP. He doesn't even get erections when laying in the bed with me and im naked. Which I don't understand because strangers screw all the time without emotional attachment let alone affection needing to take place. I have been telling him to go see a Primary care physician for over 6 mos and he just now made an appointment. I guess what I am trying to express is that with his slowness of trying to get things fixed it seems as though he has been dealing with this issue and it's no biggie to him. Over the course of us dating I expressed deeply that sex is a major deal to me. Now we chose to do things the right way and not engage in pre-marital sex of course I tested it out to make sure the package was good and it was. But I did find it strange how he was okay with the fact of not engaging in sex, some men after testing it out is like oh well we have already done the deed LOL. It's almost as if he was hiding behind the whole idea of doing things the right way. So here we are 4 mos and 7 days in and I am contemplating leaving! I don't think that I can live like this. Our sex life is based on how he's feeling and when and if he can perform. I was celibate for almost 2 years, met him and now that I have said I do I feel like I am being punished. I was getting more **** (excuse the language) when I was single. I feel like my conjugal rights have been ******** of me. But don't be confused because I know it's not me my Stuff works and is alive. I'm so horny I think my Va G G has a heartbeat. We are newlyweds we should be going at it like jackrabbits but im lucky if I get some once in a week. I think what really ****** me off is while doing some reading and research there are a lot of stereotypical articles out there that paint a picture as if "US WIVES" don't like sex?? That is such a LIE! I love sex, Sex is a beautiful thing between a married man and woman. But when you don't have that connection your relationship is being set up for failure because growth as a couple can not take place. The bond can't grow, and becoming "One Flesh" isn't taking place either. I figure writing about it will be a good outlet because I am sexually frustrated in so many ways and I am thinking things a married woman should not be thinking. Is there anyone else going through this? I am opened to your thoughts!

InquiringMinds247 InquiringMinds247
26-30, F
8 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I have a number of thoughts. At your/his age, ED as a result of purely physical circumstances is pretty rare. Assuming he has been evaluated for the physical conditions that might account for those rare incidents, and given a clean bill of health, the problem is clearly psychological. As they say, the brain is the #1 erogenous zone. Do you know enough about his childhood to know if, for example, he was raised with a belief that sex is dirty or evil... or that he is un attractive? Could he have had a sexual relationship somewhere along the line that was disastrous to his self esteem? It unlikely that his problem just started with you! It just seems to me that he is carrying a huge pile of psychological baggage, and is unwilling to take the risk of seeking help. Some people, when facing a challenge like this, find it easier to live with the problem than to risk confronting it. Subconsciously, they fear making the effort and failing. As long as they don't make the effort, their deficiency has not been "confirmed." But that is completely unfair to you and to your marriage. It seems to me that the choice is his. He can face the issue bravely, and with 99% assurance of being able to solve it - given the time, help and resources he might require, and look forward to a lifetime of the emotional and physical joy to be found in a passionate marriage, or he can choose to pretend it's not there, in which case you need to cut your losses while you still can do so with minimal trauma. He also needs to face the fact that (I assume) you are eager to be helpful and supportive now, but will feel less and less so as he continues to side step the problem. It would be much easier for him to face the problem now, with your support, than later, as resentment takes over for you.

Before my wife and I got married at 23 we wanted to honor God and our marriage by not having sex before marriage. Big mistake. After we were married she said she had no interest in sex and we only had it when I practically had to beg for it. I was so angry and frustrated that when she was lying next to me in bed I ***********. Her response was to put her hands over her ears and start humming to block out any sound.

We had 2 great kids and I kept trying to tell myself that it would get better. I tried everything, videos, toys, and counseling to no avail. I eventually started sleeping in the spare bedroom because lying beside here each night left me so angry.

Now its 30 years later and nothing has changed. She is my best friend, I love being with her, but I crave the intimacy only sex can bring.

My advice to you would be to get a divorce now before you have children or you will be telling my story 30 years later.

Would counseling be an option for the two of you?

We went and she told him (the therapist) that is sounds like it's all in his head????

Was that a sex therapist? That is a horrible response- no help at all, right? So sorry you have to go through this.

You have two choices: come to the realization that this is the rest of your life, or cut your losses now.

Yeah this cannot be the rest of my effin life!! Thanks for your response

Well, here are my two cents. I am a man, 35 now, and was in a relationship of 7 years that ended about 18 months ago because of that same reason. The first 5 years of the relationship were great, lots of sex multiple times a day. However she was much younger than me, and as she aged I just didn't like her body anymore. She gained weight, and I simply wasn't attracted to her anymore. Yes, I know that is harsh and vein, but it is the truth. In addition to not being attracted to her body anymore, I also had tons of stress from work and pressure from her to have sex, which just made matters worse. Near the end of the relationship, we were only having sex once a month or so.

My advise to you is this...Sit down with him and tell him how you feel, that you love him, but that you need to have sex. Ask him what he would do in your situation. It may not bother him that you guys are not having sex very often, but he may do more if it is bothering you.

Here are some things you can try:
-Remove all stress about having to have sex
-Make it fun! Tell him no sex,just foreplay (maybe he's under lots of stress to perform).
He will never tell you that he isn't attracted to you, so to find the truth, ask him to look at pictures online with you and find outfits that excites him, but don't look at the outfits, look at the girl. Does she have small boobs, big boobs, brunette, blonde, big booty, etc. If you see a pattern that is dissimilar to your body, then you may just have your answer.
-Is there a time of day that he prefers? Maybe he's a morning person, and you can have sex in the AM, try letting him wake up to a BJ!
- Does he watch **** or ********** alone? This can be tough to answer, but if you didn't have sex while you were dating, he may have gotten use to ************, and thats why he doesn't want to have sex with you.

I hope this helps you in some way. All the best of luck, and just remember that he may just as frustrated as you, but for different reason that he doesn't want to talk to you about.

Don't cheat yourself.. or you will wake you one day with children and realize you wasted 25 years in this kind of a marriage and still not be happy. Move on. I don't suggest the FWB find you a new happy healthy life full of love and sex.

You hit it on the nail...I think that if I stay to see what the outcome is... I will be waking up feeling like I cheated myself...because there is no promise that this issue will be fixed.

Well you are way to young to be going through this and since you do not have kids you should get out now!! The odds of changing ar not in your favor, you can stay and find a FWB but like i said since you have no kids get out now. best of luck to you and i am sorry to hear you are going through this

Thank you for your response, I have a child from a previous marriage but no kids with him. your right the odds do not look in my favor, I never thought that I would be going through this..

nobody ever does, rejection sucks for whatever reason. if you are going to go leave before you get pregnant

We were discussing children and I was on board but with this taking place Honey I got back on BC with a quickness!!

Well I am sorry for what has happened to you.I hope you give him more time and maybe get him to see a doctor.They can verify if his testosterone is low or he is just not attracted to you.He may even be gay and just married you to hide that,who knows.In either case I hope it works out for you.I hope you keep writing and sharing your stories.

I'm trying ot give him more time and see, we are leaving on a 7 days cruise and i think this cruise is either going to make or brake us...Funny I have asked him if he was gay? LOL. he got furious, but he got over it. He swears that he is attracted to me and that he wants sex and loves sex but he is not able to perform..this has been draining on our marriage and me as a person.

Trust me honey if a man wants sex and can not do it he will be at the doctor before you can turn over in the bed. It's if they don't want it that they wait for the doctor to make a house call to see if he is okay.. and that my dear never happens.

Then if he is not gay he needs to visit the doctor to do a testosterone test.You will have an answer that day.There are also clinics that specialize in fixing that problem.I do not know his age but I have never had that problem and I'm in my 40's!Good luck.

Thank you for your response.....He has been to the doc and gotten his testosterone checked he has been on meds and his testosterone is up but still the sex drive isn't there, or getting an erection just cause doesn't take place...or we start and he can't finish..that is so effin frustrating he is only 35 which I think with his nonchalant attitude he should be finding and doing everything in his power unless it's really not what he wants :(

@ onmyway113 MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!!! Especially if you claim you love sex and desire it...but he didn't i had to make all the appointments and i have to constantly probe him for answers...very frustrating!

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