My Ex-boyfriend Has Always Been On My Mind

I lived with my ex-boyfriend 10 years ago.  We didn't really break up because there was a problem between us - he has been married for a year, had a 6-year-old daughter, and was struggling with how to handle the divorce, his parents perception, his daughter's needs.  I packed his bags one day and it all fell apart.  About a year later, we got together, and then 6 months later again.  And so it went for 2 more years, breaking my heart each time because he had realized he needed time before committing again.  He knew I wanted marriage and children.  So I moved 100 miles away.  He called.  We got together one more time.  2 months later I met my husband.  He kept questioning friends to see if I'd broken the engagement.  I got married 6 months later.  I had a baby 7 months after that.  2 1/2 years later I had my 2nd child. 

Over the first 5 years of my marriage, we would run into one another periodically.  My best friends is marrying his best friend.  He apologized.  He told my best friend and his he wanted me back.  He told me he loved me.  He tried to initiative intimacy but I fought it.  Then 2 years ago, not only did I give in, I told him that I needed to know if he had been the one.  I wanted to know why 8 years later we both seemed to feel so strongly.  My marriage has never been fantastic - ever.  We had a wonderful night together but he freaked.  He said he thought he would be sick to be with me and me have to say "I'm going home to my husband" each time.  Another year passed, and we didn't again.  This time he asked me to bring my kids to his house and leave my husband - just show up at the door he said.  Although - he had been drinking.  I laid into him on the phone 2 days later about everything he'd said.  I screamed and yelled out of total confusion.  We quit talking.  Well it happened again 2 days ago. 

I care for my husband.  I don't want him hurt and our family is his complete life.  There has not been passion on my part in years.  I take care of everything - the house, the insurance, the lawyers, the accountant, the taxes, the babysitter.,..you name it.  The lack of partnership and feeling that he is another child has destroyed all love in the sense of intimacy and marriage.  He is a wonderful father.  He would be devastated to lose his kids - and they him.

Finally - I don't know that the ex is the right one.  I could never leave unless I knew that he was.  I know that sounds wrong - but I will stick out this marriage for the sake of my kids unless I absolutely know that I can put them into a better - emotionally speaking - environment where they can see to parents who truly love one another.

There is of course, much more detail.  I don't want to talk with my best friend anymore because it muddies the waters and it all eventually gets back to him but not exactly how I said it.  I need support anonymously...

beth31097 beth31097
36-40, F
3 Responses Jun 7, 2007

I am also going through the same with my ex. We've been talking for a few months again now. Ive been married for over 10 years and its just been a mess for me.

There is a reason why these guys are the EX and not the husband or current, just think on that for a bit

I am kind of going through the same thing. I just started talking to my ex. I could use someone to talk with this about