Stuck In My Twistedness.

I am aware everyone has their own thoughts about death, mainly other people dying. But I am plagued by thoughts of my own death. I have attempted suicide before, and since then it's become a daily thought to me. "You failed, try again." I catch myself many times during the day thinking about death, and try to distract myself as soon as I realize what I am thinking. It's become, almost a habitual, natural thought. Sometimes I don't think anything of it, I just give in and think about all the ways I could die, how much better off I would be. No more pain, no more worrying. I often wonder why I'm not chosen to die over someone who WANTS to live. Like the people bedridden who have no quality of life who wish and pray everyday they will get better. Then there's me. Somewhat healthy, somewhat young, capable of living a "normal" happy life and what do I want to do with it? Throw it away! I feel guilty for feeling this way. And I know all of me, does not want to die. I am still scared of heights, I am still afraid of driving next to transport trucks on the highway, I am afraid of drowning.....if I really wanted to die I think, that I would welcome any kind of accident that would kill me. For some reason I feel my death should be by my own hands. Perhaps it's something to control. I am in financial ruin, my relationships with others is just plain nonsense and I wake up everyday cursing myself for not dying in my sleep. I see a therapist, and a psych. Have tried many different medications, which I will add always made me feel worse ( i attempted suicide while on meds ) I just don't understand anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. What's the point of anything? Everything ends with death, so why not just get it over with and end the misery now?
misschatterteeth misschatterteeth
26-30, F
May 10, 2012