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Story # 192 I Have Always

From earliest childhood, I have obsessed about death.

I am afraid, not of dying, but of ceasing to be. It sounds like the same thing, but really for me, it isn't. I am not afraid of the process. I don't wonder what will kill me, or how badly I might suffer. I am simply terrified of NOT being. At times it has gotten so bad, that I have tried to hurry it along. Just die and get it over with so I can stop being afraid to die. Now, when I think about it, it still scares me. The idea of not being around to watch my great grandchildren grow up and become adults is beyond scary. And there will be more children and I will want to be around for them too. It is a never ending cycle of fear of dying and wishing I could die so I can stop being afraid.
Serenitree Serenitree 70+, F 3 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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I am sorry you went thru this experience.
I did attempt to die once when i was a teenager but I couldn't succeed i am afraid of being caught unsuccessful.
But I still have thoughts of dying, which seems to be a peaceful experience with no troubles in life.

I wish I could see it as peaceful. I see it as an eternity of not seeing my kids and their kids on down through the generations. That makes me sad.

i used to feel the same as you.......................rob

I'm sorry to hear it. It isn't a fun way to live.

I wanted to reply, just to let you know I read your post. But I don't know what to say, cause sometimes I read something and need to really think on it awhile. I'm not afraid of dying. I don't know what is on the other side but I AM absolutely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt that SOMETHING does. I don't know what it is..I don't follow any specific faith or anything like that but I just know we don't just end.....<br />
hugs and hugs and hugs...

Thanks Sierra. Nuff said. I appreciate it. It doesn't make me less afraid, but I do appreciate it.