Story # 192 I Have AlwaysFrom earliest childhood, I have obsessed about death.
I am afraid, not of dying, but of ceasing to be. It sounds like the same thing, but really for me, it isn't. I am not afraid of the process. I don't wonder what will kill me, or how badly I might suffer. I am simply terrified of NOT being. At times it has gotten so bad, that I have tried to hurry it along. Just die and get it over with so I can stop being afraid to die. Now, when I think about it, it still scares me. The idea of not being around to watch my great grandchildren grow up and become adults is beyond scary. And there will be more children and I will want to be around for them too. It is a never ending cycle of fear of dying and wishing I could die so I can stop being afraid.