In LimboI'm in a very apathetic state where I hope for an accident to kill me but I'm not ready to kill myself. I think about death because I'm not sure whether I want to live or die. I can't decide. Today I was hoping that I would slip fall and sustain a lethal head injury on the sidewalk. I'm a pedestrian often and I space out a lot so if I'm lucky the two factors will combine to result in me being hit by a car.
I didn't want to put this in the "I have suicidal thoughts" group because my pain is different from the kind that is discussed in those groups. It's more like starvation than pain. It sounds silly but my thirst for knowledge is so intense that it is the only reason for my life. Since the specific areas of knowledge that I thirst for are unreachable it makes my lifef pointless. If the only thing I want or care about is knowledge then being deprived of it is like taking away my reason to live.
Curiosity is my main drive and my favourite saying is "curiosity killed the cat". I have a different interpretation of that saying than the one most people think of. Whenever I hear someone use that saying in the sense that the cat was too curious and got itself in trouble I want to punch the speaker. The cat wasn't killed because he was curious and got himself in trouble. The cat was killed because he "didn't get himself in trouble".
My definition of the common saying is that unsatisfied curiosity starved the cat to death. Getting into a dangerous situation as a result of foolish curiosity would be a much better alternative to starvation. I should know. I'm being starved and it's killing me. It makes me want to die because this life is futile.
Thinking about the possibility of reincarnation now. Something needs to happen for me to be satisfied and it can't happen in this life. I can never be content until it does so reincarnation sounds better than going to some kind of heaven for me. If, at the end of this life, I were to go to heaven, I would be just as miserable as I would be in hell. My thirst would still be unquenched and having something better wouldn't make any difference at all. Heaven means the end. It means that there is nothing more to happen in life which means that whatever didn't happen will never happen. Forever means never and since my thirst is for an imperfect thing that has pain attached to it, it would certainly not be in heaven. It is an earthly thing but it is not materialistic. It is a need for specific life experiences. Certain things need to happen in my life. That is why I would prefer to be reincarnated an infinite number of times until those things happen.
Obviously I don't know what happens after death. Even reincarnation isn't perfect for my kind of person. The kind of person I am is like Faust and the problem with reincarnation is that the person in your next life may be related to you even if it isn't really you. I have no memory of any past lives and I sometimes wonder if what I'm waiting for already happened. I would have no memory of this life in the next one if I were reincarnated. So I am still left with my bleak and miserable situation. I'm still deprived and I have very little hope.
I can truly understand and identify with Faust. The difference between me and him is trivial. He wanted more than I want but we still both are starved of something unattainable. He wanted unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures and I want unattainable knowledge without pleasure. What he needed is still equally unattainable to what I need.
I'm sure the idea of making a deal with a demon for knowledge sounds foolish. I doubt people who don't feel the same Faustian pain understand the desperation. I'm so desperate I would probably make a similar bargain just to end the pain. Obviously I can't just do that but if given the opportunity I would consider it.
I often joke to myself that there is someone listening to me in my living room and bedroom but that is just me being silly. I start to thing, "ooh, the promises I've made have been heard and my pleas are being listened to". That's just me fooling around and being childish. I pretend certain things are ways of someone letting me know he is listening when I know that's not the case. For example, when a present I hid in my closet fell against the door, bounced off, fell again, bounced off, banged into the door again, bounced off, and fell a fourth time I just pretended that the four knocks that were created was a signal that my prayer was heard even though I knew it was just my present banging against the door.
That allowed me to just play with it as a coping mechanism. I play with such ideas just to keep myself out of the hopeless pit I spend too much time in. Distraction is another coping mechanism. I try to distract myself from my thoughts by occupying my attention with other things like video games. I just want to stop thinking. I give up. Just let me go to sleep and stop thinking about my hunger. It feels like someone is constantly repeating the words "you know you want it" to me. You know you want it. You know you want it. You know you want it. It's just an intrusive thought coming from my unconscious.
Please shut up brain. Please shut up brain. Please shut up. Why can't I just lose consciousness?
chrysalid 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 Dec 28, 2011