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In Limbo

I'm in a very apathetic state where I hope for an accident to kill me but I'm not ready to kill myself. I think about death because I'm not sure whether I want to live or die. I can't decide. Today I was hoping that I would slip fall and sustain a lethal head injury on the sidewalk. I'm a pedestrian often and I space out a lot so if I'm lucky the two factors will combine to result in me being hit by a car.

I didn't want to put this in the "I have suicidal thoughts" group because my pain is different from the kind that is discussed in those groups. It's more like starvation than pain. It sounds silly but my thirst for knowledge is so intense that it is the only reason for my life. Since the specific areas of knowledge that I thirst for are unreachable it makes my lifef pointless. If the only thing I want or care about is knowledge then being deprived of it is like taking away my reason to live.

Curiosity is my main drive and my favourite saying is "curiosity killed the cat". I have a different interpretation of that saying than the one most people think of. Whenever I hear someone use that saying in the sense that the cat was too curious and got itself in trouble I want to punch the speaker. The cat wasn't killed because he was curious and got himself in trouble. The cat was killed because he "didn't get himself in trouble".

My definition of the common saying is that unsatisfied curiosity starved the cat to death. Getting into a dangerous situation as a result of foolish curiosity would be a much better alternative to starvation. I should know. I'm being starved and it's killing me. It makes me want to die because this life is futile.

Thinking about the possibility of reincarnation now. Something needs to happen for me to be satisfied and it can't happen in this life. I can never be content until it does so reincarnation sounds better than going to some kind of heaven for me. If, at the end of this life, I were to go to heaven, I would be just as miserable as I would be in hell. My thirst would still be unquenched and having something better wouldn't make any difference at all. Heaven means the end. It means that there is nothing more to happen in life which means that whatever didn't happen will never happen. Forever means never and since my thirst is for an imperfect thing that has pain attached to it, it would certainly not be in heaven. It is an earthly thing but it is not materialistic. It is a need for specific life experiences. Certain things need to happen in my life. That is why I would prefer to be reincarnated an infinite number of times until those things happen.

Obviously I don't know what happens after death. Even reincarnation isn't perfect for my kind of person. The kind of person I am is like Faust and the problem with reincarnation is that the person in your next life may be related to you even if it isn't really you. I have no memory of any past lives and I sometimes wonder if what I'm waiting for already happened. I would have no memory of this life in the next one if I were reincarnated. So I am still left with my bleak and miserable situation. I'm still deprived and I have very little hope.

I can truly understand and identify with Faust. The difference between me and him is trivial. He wanted more than I want but we still both are starved of something unattainable. He wanted unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures and I want unattainable knowledge without pleasure. What he needed is still equally unattainable to what I need.

I'm sure the idea of making a deal with a demon for knowledge sounds foolish. I doubt people who don't feel the same Faustian pain understand the desperation. I'm so desperate I would probably make a similar bargain just to end the pain. Obviously I can't just do that but if given the opportunity I would consider it.

I often joke to myself that there is someone listening to me in my living room and bedroom but that is just me being silly. I start to thing, "ooh, the promises I've made have been heard and my pleas are being listened to". That's just me fooling around and being childish. I pretend certain things are ways of someone letting me know he is listening when I know that's not the case. For example, when a present I hid in my closet fell against the door, bounced off, fell again, bounced off, banged into the door again, bounced off, and fell a fourth time I just pretended that the four knocks that were created was a signal that my prayer was heard even though I knew it was just my present banging against the door.

That allowed me to just play with it as a coping mechanism. I play with such ideas just to keep myself out of the hopeless pit I spend too much time in. Distraction is another coping mechanism. I try to distract myself from my thoughts by occupying my attention with other things like video games. I just want to stop thinking. I give up. Just let me go to sleep and stop thinking about my hunger. It feels like someone is constantly repeating the words "you know you want it" to me. You know you want it. You know you want it. You know you want it. It's just an intrusive thought coming from my unconscious.

Please shut up brain. Please shut up brain. Please shut up. Why can't I just lose consciousness?
chrysalid chrysalid 18-21, F 3 Responses Dec 28, 2011

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Just wondering what kind of knowledge are you seeking? Why do you feel like you cnt obtain it?

That's the embarrassing part. You're going to laugh. I need to learn about the occult. To get that sense of fulfillment most people get from going to church I need genuine experience with it.

You could say my obsession is a mental health issue. It starves me inside but I've managed to find the energy to keep my life together in spite of it. I'm not so crazy that I can't hide it. I'm just hurting.

The obvious reason that I can't obtain the knowledge I seek is that it doesn't exist and that is one of the things that makes me very self-conscious about this overwhelming desire to learn about it. It may sound like I want to know everything about unicorns. You can't know about something that doesn't exist.

The other reason why I can't obtain it is that it does exist but I'm incapable of learning it. That's where the faustian frustration comes in.

Either way it is futile which is why I've tried to give up but I can't. In order to feel fulfilled I need spirit contact. I need mystical experience. Giving up means accepting that I have no choice but to starve, be miserable, and possibly kill myself because it is hopeless.

Oh i see so why dnt you try it out pretty sure it not that hard to find someone who has expierence with that study the the paranormal, which can take you to some scary places depending how far you go with it, of course there wnt be any unicorns but there alot of other things.

It's hard to find anyone serious. There are a lot of people who just blab on about things.

The new age movement has become the bane of my existance because now the internet is flooded with sites that don't quite sound right too me and there are people who know nothing while claiming to be experts.

There are serious people but they're hard to find in a sea of jokers.

Yeah i can relate in a sense, if you dnt mind me asking. What state do you live in im from florida there is this place here called cassadega, a small town tucked in the woods you would'nt know it was there if not for a tiny sign but everyone there is into the paranormal and they are for real.

Life is so much more. You are unhappy because of your obsession. Give up on it and start enjoying the feelings with which God blessed you: smell the air, and feel it's gentle touch. Feel the wind that is blowing in your face, feel the earth on which you are standing. Close your eyes when you are eating and drinkind and feel their taste and the nature that lies in them. Feel your body and his reactions to the food that you eat. And start being a good person. Serve God by helping the ones around you because no matter how much knoledge you'll get, the world won't become a better place. Fight for the ones around you and help them become better person, so that not only you-but the ones around you too would reach heaven!
Stop living for yourself for that a life like that bring only mizery and sadness.
May God bless you and show you the way.

Mike, I live in Canada. I'm from Ontario which is a really long way away from Florida. It's too bad because I would be interested in going there.

You could give me the address and I'll keep it until I finish University and move out on my own that way I could visit in the future.

I'll be stuck here for at least a few years right now though.

Anyway, do you have the address?

Oops, I completely misread that. I can't believe I missed that you had already said the name of the town.

Wow Gheata, you are so unbelievable preachy. Do you even think about what you say? Don't blame me for who I am. Lots of people can be satisfied with just their five senses. Lots of people are content. Don't you think if I could choose to be content I would? I tried but even when I tried to suppress my own curiosities they still managed to come out in some ways and when they did I hit myself. You can't change who you are. If God really made me he wouldn't have made me with a seemingly inborn craving without giving me the means to satisfy it and he certainly wouldn't give me a craving that you seem to think of as selfish and impure. Don't call me selfish. I do a lot for others and sometimes feeling satisfied is the only way to have the energy to help others or even myself. I have used numerous coping mechanisms that although shameful have helped me to be productive and help others while living my life. I have given myself olfactory hallucinations with a mental trick to try and convince myself that I was really smelling spirits and that I had the spirit contact I craved. Yes that was a shameful lie but do you know how much it helped the people around me? Do you know how much my grades in school improved? Feeling satisfied prevents me from falling into a depression where I can't even help myself let alone others. Genuine spirit contact and experience with the occult would satisfy my cravings. I don't need infinite knowledge I just need something. I have had to trick myself into feeling satisfied up until this point because I have been unable to truly and genuinely get the experience I need. I can't just make the need go away. It is a part of who I am so quit preaching you ignorant bigot. The most I could ever do is satisfy it and that wouldn't be selfish. It would be selfless because it would allow me to more effectively help others. If the pain of desperate longing makes it difficult to help myself let alone other people than relieving that pain should be my top priority. How can you save someone else when your own life is in danger? How can you help others when you aren't even in good enough shape to help yourself? You are the most annoying, naive person I have ever met. Keep it to yourself, Gheata.

5 More Responses

Interesting story. I'm sorry to hear..but I can relate all too much. Unfortunately. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

I'd like to know how you can relate. I was going to look thorugh your experiences but your privacy settings won't allow it. Could you please respond in a PM?

Not exactly through the knowledge part, but I can relate with wanting to die. Almost wishing for it. Sure, I will.

I used to be exactly like you. I didn't liked the direction my life is going, the way i reacted, the emptiness of every day. I used to watch the sky and imagine myself dieing. I struggled with this problem years, but recently I understood that : LIFE HAS NO MEANING. We must give it a meaning! So, I try my best to become a better person and to help others as I can. Also, I am fighting with my weaknesses and I am praying to God at need and when I am happy.<br />
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God bless you, and never forget that as long as you live you can change your life. If you will kill yourself, all your life will be in vain., You live, you can change everything! <br />
May God help you during your life!