I Want To Die

Yes, I want to die. Yesterday, last week, last year, the year before that. And I probably want to die tomorrow. I really see no point in living. I have a great life, I have a wonderful family, a lot of great friends that support me no matter what, a beautiful and loving boyfriend that wants me to move in with him. I am smart, I study at the university, and get almost all A's. I am also attractive, believe it or not, and I always get male attention, and I almost always get what I want.

So why am I so unappreciative? Or, no, I appreciate it. I feel grateful. But I also feel that there are other people that should have it, because all I ever want to do is to die. Of course I don't tell people this (not my friends and family at least!), but it is all I ever think about whenever I am alone. The last hours I've spent just looking at the pills in the cabinet and think "wouldn't it be great just to go to sleep and never wake up?".

Why do I feel like this?! I don't want to. I want to be my happy self again. Yes, I've had a lot of drama in my life. A lot. But I've always felt like I've dealt with it in a good way. Almost every horrible experience a person could have around them, I've come through it stronger than ever. My fathers death, he's many suicide attempts, his PTSD, the guy that raped me, my moms fight with cancer, the bullying, my best friends suicide, my abusive boyfriend. I've ALWAYS managed. I've grieved, had a bad time, cried. But I've never been so obsessed with suicide as I am now, I now everything around me is actually f-ing perfect.

I really, really want to die. But I don't want to harm the people around me that cares for me. There is no way out! It feels unfair to have to live because I don't want to hurt other people. What about what I want? Life is just... empty. I can't explain it. It is just waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, and deal with that before something else horrible happens.

What do I do? I've tried medication. I've tried talking to someone. I've tried going to my doctor, a psychiatrist, a life coach. I've tried talking to my mom, I've even told a couple of friends (though, I had to kind off "take it back" because they freaked out!). Maybe I can just write a really, really good suicide note, explaining that it's not their fault, and that there was nothing they could do, and that this was my decision and that they should try to understand that I didn't want to live in a world where I was unable to feel any kind of happiness?
facktard facktard
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

I hope that you're ok and that you hadn't done anything like take your life. Hope that you are doing better and that life is treating you better.. I know it sucks sometimes and in some cases all the time. You've got to think about the good things only if there is one thing good try to hang onto that. People love you and you'd be surprised how many people need you! Anyways I'll stop rambling on. I just hope that you're ok and you're still here with us :)