Life Hurts

I just want my life to end. But I'm afraid. Why am I afraid? If death is nothing then why am I afraid of nothing.
If you want to respond with "god loves you" or some such bull **** please don't bother.
krool1969 krool1969
46-50, M
1 Response Apr 21, 2012

I think we all go through those phases, (sometimes decades long), where we just get tired of struggling emotionally; financially; or to even fit in this f'd up world. I've been there. Stayed there, for quite some time. Two steps forward, three steps back kinda thing.<br />
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But it didn't last forever. I think until we find our purpose here (yeah, I know you don't want to believe it, but you have one, too...), none of us truly has 'peace of mind'. But one day, one occurrence, one instant; something happens to us/comes across our path/we read turns on this switch and we make one subtle change in our lives, and it's like a domino affect. Change begets change.<br />
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I get the God bullshit part, very much. Silent prayers of torment that are seemingly never answered over time make that 'not the solution' to your problems. I was raised in church and beat to hell as a kid. Religion was not the answer for me either.<br />
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Now, spirituality? That's another thing. They say that Religion is for people who fear hell; spirituality is for people who've already been there. I can certainly attest to that. But one thing I learned in my quest for peace of mind is that we manifest our predominant thoughts. And words. And I had never realized how truly negative my self talk, my thoughts, my actions, and my emotions were up until then. No damn wonder my life was such hell.... it was all I professed. All I focused on. I had to learn a better way, and I came across a book that helped me desire to live again. It taught me how to create a better reality for myself. How to control my emotions, change my focus, and look for the good in life, instead of always expecting the bad.<br />
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Suicide, I'm just going to use that word in a sentence here, because it seems that's what you're really saying; is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And this part of your life IS temporary, no matter how long you've felt this way. It won't last forever. The laws of physics alone say you're due for a change. But you have to make those changes. And only you can make those changes. Not to disappoint the Christians, but there is no savior who's going to swoop in with a magic want and change your life in an instant after a quick prayer. Even Jesus didn't intend for Himself to be used as a scapegoat for lack of action in our personal lives.<br />
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Reading gives us knowledge, and knowledge is power, not to sound corny. Learn a better way. "Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude", by Napolean Hill, is a great one book wonder on getting your head clear enough to manifest better things in your life.... love, peace of mind, companionship, stability. Those can be yours too... you just have to learn how to make it happen. Most of us weren't taught real life skills growing up... it's why we struggle so hard as adults to have healthy relationships, stable worlds, self discipline. But you can change yourself..... I promise. I used to be the most miserable ***** you couldn't stand to be around. Bad **** just KEPT happening to me, and I wanted to quit many times. So glad I am not missing this part of my life.... that I never chose to permanently damage the people who love me in such a way.<br />
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Please make sure you're eating well, so you can sleep well. Many times, our brain chemistry alone puts us in these funks emotionally, because we're not feeding our brain with both real food and positive information. Go find that book.

I'm 42 and it's been an overwhelming struggle for 34 years. The place my life is now, I just can't imagine my life getting better.

I'm 45 and I'm only going on a few years of "happily ever after"....all by myself. I get the overwhelming struggle part; I do. But nothing lasts forever. NOTHING. I promise, okay? When you said, "I can't imagine my life getting any better", that's exactly the key to that. That's what you have to do to make it better: visualize everything you want exactly as you would have it if you did have that magic wand. And I know you have some physical obstacles in your life. But I really wish you'd find that book; it's life changing. It came to me on the very day I was planning on ending it all.