I Fear Death Since I'm 4 and I Don't Know Why

Hi everybody!

I couldn't help myself writing this story, cause it has been accompanying me since i can remember.

When i was about 4 i started to understand that people die, that life has and end. I felt sad! not only we lose the ones we love, but we'll never know how this huge story that is the world is going to continue. Since that time, i remember as well of not being able to sleep cause i couldn't help myself of thinking that my family was going to die, that eventually i would miss them so much and many times as well i actually felt myself dying, like a strange shutting down sensation, and feeling all blur and quiet i would rise up from the bed scared and breathing fast. Many tears i have cryed everytime this happened and it has happened many times throughout my whole life. Until I started to believe in reincarnation, through personal evidence that i could have existed before!(but that's another long story...) But being spiritual didn't help me that much to deal with this fear! Once in meditation i saw one soul splitting apart after death and remixing with others to form a new one. After all, when we reincarnate we are the products of a recombination and not ourselves again. At that time, my ego wasn't happy to be splitted and i got into deep spiritual crisis. (now everything's fine with that). A witch once told me that i'm so afraid of death because once in a past life i was several times stabbed in the back by my husband when i was still a young woman and i died in great suffering as you can imagine. It is a good and acceptable theory: even psychiatrists say that they accept as a product of a past life something that starts in the early infancy of a person (this is a conservative perspective on the reincarnation theory).

Now my thoughts and feelings directly about death are calmer, but as i chose to be a doctor, i became quite a hypochondriac. I fear to be sick, i fear that my physical symptoms mean something bad. i fear to suffer because i see many people suffering at the hospital (and i don't them to suffer!this can be an advantage...i can understand the dying people a bit better due to the imensity of times i've put myself in their place...) Many of my friends mock me and even my mother gets bored with me for being so afraid of being sick, but they don't know how it is to carry a fear like this since they are so little. I wish i was free of this, i wish i could surpass this, but i also would like that my friends and family understood me (besides my boyfriend who is the only one who does) and supported me instead of mocking everytime they ask me why am i nervous and i actually say. i stopped telling them how i feel because they laugh at me. The toughest moment i had was recently when i started to fear choking with food and that made me fear eating...that made me feel so shameful cause i couldn't eat properly. I was afraid of eating in front of them because i didn't want them to know i was afraid of choking and started to laugh. Until i could eat normally again, i almost avoided for every means to eat in public.

i'm always trying to overcome this and i think i've done very good progress already. Hope one day i can say i would die in peace (now i think i would only die in peace if i lived many years and reached my purpose in life, but that's not how things happen, we can't choose...)

Thanks for reading! Best wishes for everyone**

Aoine Aoine
22-25, F
5 Responses Jun 7, 2007

hey. my fear of death started quite early too , arround 5 i think and i had terrible panick attacks in the middle of the night and like i asked my cousin to be with me until i fall asleep because i was so afraid of being alone.. sometimes i would wake up in the midle of the night and go shivering to the living room. and i was so hypocondrach too specially with deathly desease like cancer and aids that were being so spread by the media back then. i think i have some memories of my soul being mixed from a previous life now that u mention and that might be the cause of my fear idk. my parents sometimes laughed too but most of the time they made sure they ignored all my feelings..<br />
but really why should u be feeling like that when none else is? do u think god hates u? just make sure you dont do anything bad to others so u dont get a bad karma right..

Wow. Aoine, your intuition is inspiring. Your observation of a soul splitting is one that I've experienced multiple times, and one of the least popular perspectives of reincarnation out there, though I daresay that the more sensitive or insightful speculators agree on its validity as perhaps the most common post-death occurance (while there may be others, depending on the preparations taken by the living person). I find that one of the most difficult concepts for persons inclined to approach thoughts of death (with a heart of discovery) is the sensation of ego dissolution, and you mention having a deep reaction to this experience. You then follow up that statement by saying that you are alright with that element of dying, and I was wondering if you could share more about the details that lead from the initial 'spiritual crisis' this spun you into to your current peaceful acceptance, please. Again I have a great respect for the level of wisdom you demonstrate in this account, and would value your response. Thanks.

I also remember the moment as a child that I realized that I will die. I used to be quite afraid, maybe not to die, but oddly to die alone. I don't know exactly how you are feeling, but I empathize with how tired and lonely you must sometimes get having to deal with all of this. Keep your head up. The universe will spin you in the right direction and one day you will find your center where it all makes sense to you. Meanwhile, I will think of you and send out peaceful energy your way and prayers for your health and wellbeing. You sound like a wonderful person. Blessed Be!

Lovely sharing! Thank you

yup that's right we can't choose whatever we want to happen next in our lives because its something which is not exactly in our hands.Just have faith in God and leave Him all your fears it's because that's the right thing to do.Leave all your fears And have faith in him because His the one who knows what's best for you.Take care!!!