Thinking For So Long

I've been married for about 15 years, and my sex life is now almost completely gone.  I still love my wife, but she shows zero interest in being intimate anymore.  I've tried a little of everything to spice it up.

So, here I am.  I have been seriously considering having an affair for over a year.  I have had meet a couple of different people online who are interested in meeting.  I still have guilty feelings however that hold me back.

Any advice ?  I long for the touch of another, to feel attractive again.  I want an affair just for the sexual need as I have no desire to leave my wife.   I would love to hear from anyone who has done it for just that reason, and have been better off because of it.

txtiger92 txtiger92
36-40, M
9 Responses Dec 26, 2007

You seem completely oblivious to the fact that the betrayal of your spouse will profoundly devastate your entire family, including any children you have, as well as the entire family of the person you are stepping out with. Frankly, this is completely and utterly selfish. Your actions will impact those around you for years to come once you are discovered -- an yes, your deception is likely to be discovered.<br />
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Do your spouse a favor: divorce her so she can find someone who genuinely loves and respects her. In my book, love means that you are committed to another human being and are willing to be honest and make sacrifices for him or her. Evidently this definition doesn't hold any longer in our society. And when did having a honest conversation with one's spouse to work out problem ever go out of vogue?<br />
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I believe in karma, so when your betrayal comes back and bites you squarely in the ***, do us all a favor and don't complain -- we won't want to hear it. It may take several years, or it may occur immediately (e.g., your children not wanting anything to do with you because you have deceived and betrayed their trust as well as your spouse).<br />
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Time to sober up, Young Soul.

Hi...I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ALL TOO WELL! I didn't plan it...mine came out of no where...and I have NOTHING but regrets.<br />
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Someone here on EP asked me...I live in a sexless marriage ...and have not cheated yet...thinking about it..don't see why you feel so bad for getting what you deserve and need,we all need loving-and if your not getting any at home...why not discreetly get some on the side to keep your sanity ?<br />
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My response - Because you took a promised...if you've changed your feelings and your mind...end that THEN move on. It starts out discreet...but won't stay that way unless your looking for a bunch of one night stands. Don't forget the concern @, like me, probably haven't thought along those lines in years...and I was STUPID so now even though my affair is over..I'm SCARED!!!!<br />
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Have you DEEPLY discussed it with you wife? I mentioned things all the time...even in front of people but he thought I was joking. I did break down once...told him everything but nothing changed. <br />
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I didn't plan on cheating but I caught up with an OLD friend and one thing led to another....I can tell you I NEVER expected all the emotions and pain for ME and now my husband. IT was the biggest mistake of my life 9no matter how thrilling it was at the time)...the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with...and my life hasn't been "storybook".<br />
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If you want to stay married...get what you have to BEFORE you do something you can't reverse. It only makes the work you have to do to fix your marriage 100x harder...if you can fix it at all after you cheat. So much for keeping the sanity....right?

What you don't realize is that you will reincarnate in the next life, and this time you will be the spouse who is deceived and betrayed, so you can experience the profound devastation that occurs for the deceived spouse. Also, research the topic of near death experiences and the "life reviews" that go along with them, where the individual feels the impact of their actions but from the other person's perspective, at multiples of what it is felt here on earth. Good luck -- it isn't going to be easy.

Hi - I am in the midst of an affair with a man in a similarly sexless marriage to mine - so we kind of understand each other. We both have business interests that we wish to protect. We both have children that we desperately wish to protect. We have a nice time together. The big downside is that I don't get to see him as often as I like...(though that may be the best for everyone!). The frequency of sex hasn't even gone up that much - but the experience of being with someone who really desires me and who welcomes my desire is fantastic! <br />
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I don't know - it will probably all go horribly wrong at some point. But for now...<br />
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On the other hand - I know this isn't a solution.

I had similar experience and i've also tried extra marital affairs. Thank God, till date my wife does <br />
not know about it. But i discouvered that it affected my financially, it affected my business badly.<br />
So i prayed for forgiveness and promised never to try it.

I was in an affair a couple of years ago. In my situation though it just happened it wasn't planned or anything and it was exciting. Know I'm thinking of having one, cuz my marriage is not so great,cuz of health reasons. I'm happy but I feel like I'm missing that sexual excitemen. And yeah delete all e mail, txt or any proff of your affair.

Where do you find someone to have an affair with? I'm a really nice, decent and attractive woman. I'm not into the whole "swinging" scene and I am looking for a kind and loving relationship outside of my lifelss and loveless marriage. I also have children whom I want to protect. I have never done anything like this before. But my circumstances have gotten worse over so many years. I feel like a soldier fighting a losing battle...


Choose your new partner carefully and cover your tracks - other than that, why not? It'll make you realise two things - you are still desirable ; and that the problem is not with you. And you'll feel alive again. It's so worth it for that alone - good luck xx

ya ya feel alive and refershed,,

Poor, fragile ego -- need to sneak around to feel desirable and alive, all at the cost of your family and loved ones. If you are willing to betray those who love you the most, what is left? Answer: absolutely nothing. Good luck when the karma comes back and bites you.

I have the same problem. My husband of almost 12 years doesn't like to have sex with me because of my weight and even when we did have sex it was never very good. We are totally incompatible. Last night I began an affair with a man I dated 20 years ago. For years i have been dreaming of all the things I wish my husband would do to me (and most of them aren't graphic). This man did them all naturally. I had forgotten what it felt like to be desired and wanted and cherished. I love my husband dearly and would never leave him for this man. But he fills a void that my husband can't. Hopefully if I ever get caught he will understand that. I thought very carefully about what i was going to lose if I got caught. i played a million scenarios in my mind. In my case, for my self-esteem, my sanity, my whole being, it was worth it and I plan on doing it again.

Hi,<br />
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I began an affair 5 months ago for the very same reasons. I also met my friend on the internet too. I have not looked back, it has taken the pressure off my husband (who refuses to have sex with me and has done for sometime) I do still love my husband and am not planning on leaving him. I have a fantastic sexual relationship with my new friend.<br />
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It is risky though, so please be very careful if you do choose to have one.<br />
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It is very exciting. A few tips - Delete all texts and emails immediatey and do not change any of your habits. Travel out of your local area to meet.<br />
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Good luck

have you been able to keep emotions out of the equation Gil?