My Dear John Letter To Potential Affair Partner...Dear John,
Something happened tonight that I want to share with you. My 8 year old son started asking me why an uncle wasn't married. I explained to him that he was married once but now he is not and that some people decide not to be married anymore. He was asking a lot of questions like, "If the girl had a baby and then like a week later they didn't want to be married, what would they do?" I explained to him that it is a very hard decision and sometimes people decide not to stay married and it's very sad. He asked again about the kids. He said, "What if you and daddy decided not to be married?" I was overcome with emotion when I tried to tell him that we were going to stay married but if something happened I would be very sad not to be able to see them everyday. I could barely get the words out of my mouth. I choked on the last words and had to leave the room.
I have been walking around with blinders. You had become such a distraction to everything that was important to me. Nearly every breath I took revolved around you. I hadn't felt like that since I met my husband. It's the most incredible feeling. Our brains are not wired to run away from such pleasure. That's why it had become such an addiction. We both agreed on that! I really think if we would have gone all the way, it would have been the most amazing night that we would have regretted instantly. What I wouldn't give to be able to have you free and clear for one night with no regrets and no guilt and no one getting hurt. I can honestly say, I still long for that. However, I know it will never happen. We came really, really close. Days away from it. What the hell were we thinking? I was thinking of only myself. The feelings I had for you overpowered everything else. What would have happened if we crossed that line? I told you I feared getting too close to you. That is the truth. I might have even thought I could have fallen in love with you. It's a natural feeling. We have shared some extremely intimate conversations that I will cherish always. All around me are things that will constantly remind me of you. The dread that I am feeling is so intense, I can barely breathe. Now I know why it was hard for you to call off the weekend. I don't even want to type the words. But... I think I need a clean break. I don't know for how long. I would like to start by ending our chats. I would like to be able to email you on occasion and receive them from you when you have something to say. My heart does not agree with this. But to keep my sanity, I think this will be for the best. I know this will not be easy for me. You said you don't hang onto things, so this may be easier for you. I, on the other hand, hold things very tightly. The ache I feel right now is unbearable. I want to hear your voice, I want to see your face, I want to smell you breath, I want to taste your lips, I want to feel your skin, I want you to hold me in your arms and I don't ever want to let go! These are the feeling that have to go away in order for this friendship to work. I cannot have these feelings for you because they are taking away from what I should be giving my husband. I think we can celebrate two things: that we were able to feel "love" in our lives together but we did not allow our actions to hurt our families.