Life After Being In An Affair

Well, Let me first say I found this site desperately searching for help/strength to get out of an affair I had been having for almost two years with a married man. I have successfully done this and want to share my feelings and experience with those out there struggling in the same position I was recently in. This site has most definately changed my life, never give up hope. I had about givin up on myself ever finding the courage to break away. I was married for just short of 24 years. My ex became ( and still is) a serious alcoholic. The last 3 years or so of our marriage were pure hell. He is self employed, so no boss to answer to. Freedom to do what he wanted.So he chose to drink morning till nite, had an affair with one of my "friends" did a stint in re-hab,( which helped for about 9 months.) But I eventually had enough. My kids and I moved out. Left my home of almost 20 years, the only home my kids had known. He wouldn't leave, so we did. Left a lifestyle which at the time was very blessed. My kids I and competed and showed horses all over the country. Being away from "him" and doing my own thing helped me cope. But *poof* all gone. We moved into an apartment, found out money does not buy happiness and became closer than the 3 of us had ever been. I just recently bought a house, and things continue to improve. Anyway, rewind about 2 1/2 years ago. I left my husband. I was lonely, scared, worried about my future but knew if I didn't get out of that situation I would be the one dying, not him. I had already been on Facebook, so I spent alot of time on there, talking to friends, crying on shoulders. A friend from school and I connected one day, started messaging, and very soon started talking on the phone. Looking back now, he said EVERYTHING he knew I needed to hear. He was married, I knew this from the get go. So I take full responsiblilty for getting involved. But he sought me out, and said he was unhappy, had been for the last 20 years in his marriage. They were never able to have kids, no closeness, I can say I did get into this relationship with the idea that we would be together someday. If i had felt at the time it was just a fling for him, I would have never gone there. What I needed was time to work on myself, figure out where my head was, wrap it around my marriage coming to an end. Instead I fell for this married man, hook - line - and sinker..Within a week of talking on the phone everyday, we met and had sex. It was fantastic,, always was....Spent all the time with him I possibly could and it was great. We enjoyed each other's company, had alot in common and life seemed good. I was just biding my time while he made his plan to leave her. Time passed. weeks, months...soon it had been 8 months. My divorce was in progress, and he had yet to make a move. We talked about it ALOT, but eventually playing back seat to his wife was getting to me...He would say, I'm not ready. You want me to make a decision right now? I wouldn't push, because I knew what he would say and I didn't wanna loose him. I was madly in love. Our awesome times, which were frequent, we saw each other 3 or 4 times a week. Went on a couple "business" trips together. Started to become stressed. I was just not happy in this situation. I definately didn't wanna loose him, but I wanted to be with him all the time, for everything. I would see him at his house, just being there, seeing "their" life was too much. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I said it's her or me. Well, he chose it ended, at least for a bit....I started seeing someone else to try and forget him ( another mutual friend of both of ours) so not fair to him.. using him to forget my MM. When again I missed the
opportunity to get my own self together.....Thought I could never survive alone, just had to have someone. My MM was NOT happy I didn't wanna see him, knew who I was seeing so proceeded to try and ruin that relationship...which he did. This guy didn't deserve harassment, phone calls, drive bys, I told him good-bye, sorry I brought this on you and ended up back with my MM. I was still in love with him and resigned myself to the situation, still holding on that he would leave her some day. OK fast forward almost a year.....with-in that time, his wife found out about us... Yes! I always thought when that day came, he would be mine. Nope, didn't happen, she wasn't going anywhere.. now I am totally down...So sad, spent most of my days upset, only looking forward to the one or two days a week I could see him. Once his wife found out, she was always watching, calling, ect..he didn't wanna loose her, so he cut back his time with me. Taking all precautions not to get caught....I was more and more stressed. Talking to my friends, who were tired of hearing my crazy complaining.. Get out, he's married! Do you really think if he leaves his wife for you, he's gonna be faithful to YOU? Deep down I figured I would end up there, so I HAD to make a move...FINALLY just making that decision in my mind ( hadn't done it yet) was feeling good. Even though I still felt I couldn't live without him, I HAD TO. I so desperately wanted a "normal" life and knew with him, it never would be...,. About six weeks ago or so, I found this site. Talked to people in my situation, and found the courage to tell him good-bye. It turned out to be a little easier that I thought because he turned UGLY on me. "It's only over if I SAY SO" Started calling me every name in the book, coming by my house, harassing me, it was terrible. This was a man I loved, he was treaing me so bad.. Just made me realize how much control he had over me, and still thought he did. I was actually afraid of him at one point, didn't know what he was capable of doing. It was a rough and scary couple of weeks. Again my friends on here were there for me every step of the way. Sadly my fond memories of him and I have been over shadowed by his behavior. I loved this guy? He's treating me like his property he doesn't wanna sell? If he was that hurt about loosing me, why did he never make a move to BE with ME? Nope, all done and feel so FREE! Finally NOW after all this time I am taking time to get myself together. I need to love myself, realize I CAN do life. And I am! A long road to take and I would never do it again. For those out there on the verge, stop now.....Look ahead not just at today.....I can't and will never judge someone for their decisions....just hoping my story will give someone a little insite. If you think you can't make a go of it on your own, your wrong! Be strong.....I feel SO strong now, and I never thought I would.....
Lazyw2526 Lazyw2526
46-50, F
21 Responses Apr 14, 2011

Awesome...........good for you!!

Well, he did bring you comfort for awhile. It's true that a married man with a bad marriage can find joy in a mistress. He's got everything that way! A stable home and an "exciting" love life. Yet he isn't true to himself.
I was unhappily married for years. Finally, one of my woman clients came on to me, and that was it. I left immediately. I couldn't be hypocritical. Yet, the "affair" lasted only a couple of weeks. My best buddy told me that I should leave immediately. I did. I was terribly sad to leave my 17 year old daughter. But even she thought I had done the right thing.
It's hard to be in a dead end marriage. It takes courage to get up and leave. I don't think your guy had the courage to leave his wife. It's not your fault. He's angry because you have highlighted this.
You need a man who will love you, who is available, and who will share love and life with you without strings. Take it easy. He'll show up.
Today I'm in a new relationship with a woman who had a similar relationship to yours. Their marriage was not fulfilling for years. We are exploring so many new feelings together. I have so much to share.
I think we really got together because we wanted the same things. We wanted to share the same things. I'm not saying it has all been roses, but we are certainly feeling good about where we are today. (She is away visiting her family, otherwise, I wouldn't be spending so much time on this).
Enjoy your kids, and enjoy meeting some nice men!

Well if you had a clear scope of the relation you would not have suffered. At one point in my life I was lucky enough to love two great ladies at the same time. They knew each other and knew what was going on. It was great until one of them wanted me only for herself. Seven year later I still mourn her departure and still hurting.

My wife is mad at her because she blew it and I suffered a lot. I would say that honesty and been upfront are important in any relation. Also knowing your place and play your part right.

He sounds like he was a real slick self centered user. I'm glad you got to see his true ugliness as painful as it was his bad behavior towards you was the push you needed to end it. I'm glad you are stronger and wiser.


Thank you for sharing your story. I think maybe i started seeing that man after you broke it off with him. Lucky for me, i broke it off about 5 weeks ago and going strong.

thnxa ton-

Thank you for your story. I would think that most men that were married would get out of the marriage before they had an affair; if they really wanted to leave their wife. <br />
I hope the future is much brighter for you. You have not only learned a valuable lesson, but may have helped someone else from going down that same path.

Sometimes it doesn\'t happen so neatly, but if you are married, and induced to having an affair, then you should ask yourself why.

Thank you for your story and the courage and strenght it took to tell us your story.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. You have the strength to get through anything in yourself.

Two points that should have been painfully obvious to you from the very beginning: (i) some men will say absolutely anything in order to get some fresh *****, particularly after 20 years of marriage -- and it appears that you bought it hook, line and sinker; and, (ii) yes, the affair made you feel good about yourself, but you clearly contributed to the harm of this man's family -- including his children -- and you did so completely without regard to their well being. Honestly, this is the same old stereotypical story you hear woman complaining about, who then seemed surprised when things don't go as they planned. Surprise, surprise.<br />
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I think you need to learn that happiness can only come from within, as cliched as that sounds. Anytime you are dependent upon another person, or physical possessions, for your happiness, then you are setting yourself up for a fall. Do you want to be happy, and in doing so, truly understand what you are all about? Give something away -- do regular charity work at a hospice center or with disabled children who need your assistance. I think then you will find that good things start happening to you, through whatever channels, and that you are not dependent on others as a source of happiness (except for, perhaps, the people you are helping, who will be the most loyal friends you ever met).<br />
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Sorry, I'm not buying your moral relativism. It is clearly foreseeable that her actions would harm other people, here the other man's innocent wife and children. To absolve her from responsible gives her a blank check to do whatever harm to others she sees fit, so that she can serve her own interests, no matter how much she appears down and out. She needed to divorce her husband in a mature manner then go find a single guy. This clearly does not release the other man from blame, but she was in possession of all the relevant facts and chose to move forward regardless.

People need to sober up and realize that we truly are our brothers' keepers, and the harm we do to others finds it way back to us. Funny how good and bad karma inevitably makes it way back to us, isn't it?

Oh dear! Anyone who rejects "moral relativism" out of hand is likely to be rigid in thinking, unable to apprecate the shades of grey in life and without empathy. AIHK, is that really you?

It\'s hard to talk about responsibility here. She was responsible with her children in freeing them from an alcoholic father. She wanted to provide them with a good step father, and felt she had found him. Unfortunately, he was married, and making no immediate steps to leave his wife. What is important here is to have compassion for everyone involved. Trying to put ourselves into each person\'s shoes and see it from their point of view. I\'m sure he is confused. This is not a crime. I\'m sure he hasn\'t found his own truth. Neither is this a crime. He and she wanted a relationship. They probably really loved each other. Yet, he is not brave enough to leave his wife. I feel sorry for him if he had to lie to find some happiness. That LazyW found another side to him was her karma. That she found out that this man was not the man of her life, was the truth coming out. Even single men can be untruthful!! I don\'t know your situation in HK, but I do know what it is like to leave a wife. It is not easy. It takes a lot of courage to pick up and leave. Especially if you really know the only reason you are doing it is that you are incompatible and you don\'t love her anymore. Ego plays a great part here. Suggest reading the Dali Lama\'s book on happiness.

Don\'t think she wasted precious time. I think it was a time of learning.

1 More Response

Glad you came to your sences and yes affairs are never good from either side. Before I got divorced I thought about it, but in the end I never acted on it and glad I didn't. When I left it was because I wanted to leave not because I thought there was someone just outsde waiting for me. Get yourself together before you move into the next relationship.

I don't like treating people like they are ob<x>jects to be thrown away and the hurt and pain infidelity causes is cruel and nasty and leaves very deep emotional scars. This man obviously thinks with his penis like a dirty dog does and one day it will all come back and bite him on his arse!!!!

wow , good for you, your a strong lady , the world is yours just live it.ken

WOW WOW WOW, you are such a strong person. Going through all that is not easy. My respects for what you have accomplished. It takes a lot to quit the way you did. I am so lucky that I got a very wonderful woman by my side. I hope you find that person that is going to make the difference for you soon...

Yet again another story that puts my situation into a little better perspective. I may have been treated badly by my married girlfriend but no more so than many people are in a"normal" relationship when someone else pops into the life of one. But there's no hate, there's no control, there's no abuse. One thing it has made me realise is that in order not to miss out on happiness in the future I either have to get single or make my marriage work. Playing around half way just will not work. Time will tell which way it goes, and I'll know for certain inside 6 months.<br />
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I hope your life is on a course to happiness now.

you are so strong! HUGS.

Hang in there and be strong..You DESERVE better!!

Thank you all for the comments...yeah it's been hard, real hard...Everything that happened. and there is so much more to tell. You hear plp say a heart wants what a heart wants.....Sometimes it's so hard to not follow your heart and think with your head. When your in the situation it seems right, but deep down feels wrong. Hard to explain if you've not been there. We only have this one life, and living it the RIGHT way will come back ten fold. I've been hurt and I have hurt others, but I feel like I'm now on the path I was meant to be on. Good luck to you exdocsec43. You are strong! Much stronger than you think! Try Al-anon. It was a huge help to me, with the alcoholic situation, and stay on this site! It saved me!!

exdocsec43 you are just as strong. Love hurts. There is no way around that. We learn from our mistakes and with each day that passes, it becomes a little less painful. If there was no pain we would keep making the same mistakes. Although it is much easier to get over one with another to take their place. You will get there. ; )

You go girl! I am so happy for you! You give others hope and inspiration. Congrats on a job well done! ; )