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I Know I Am Selfish

I have thought about this long before I could admit to myself that our marriage is not getting any better. I have tried total commitment. I denied myself of the glory of what women should have under the blessings of marriage. But I just can't be happy with a man i don't have affection with. I am so selfish. You can hate me. You may cuzz me. But I just can't make myself love you.
I thought about having an affair, and I am seeing a man who is doing wonders to me. I thought about him as a friend. But that's all there is to say about him.
I feel sorry for your parents and siblings. I feel sorry for us. After all what we had been and after all the kindness you showed. The goodness and the carings. But I am doing everything what is expected of me. JUST don't pretend neither expect that there will come a time that I would turn and say I love you.
ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 32 Responses Sep 27, 2011

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id be happy to start the relationship with you.

Whomever attracts this Lady's affection has attracted the best there is.

Can I buy you a drink? =))

ladyryan , You might think this is just a B.S. line but I have this feeling I know you??? weird huh?

((gulp)) Oh yeah?? you know me?? yeah I thinks that's weird. hahaha!

Been there friend.
Leave him and be happy. Sometimes things happen in a messy fashion and the guilt can consume us. For don't think that you don't deserve to be happy. Just free him and live your life with love.

Thank you so much, Hi11topper.^^

No understanding, r u involved intimately with one another. has it gone past friendship.

You are not selfish at all! You feel bad that you don't have those feelings for him and as with me, once those feelings are gone, they're gone for good. I walked around my and my ex-husband's old house feeling guilty all the time about feeling no attraction for my deserving husband. He was great for me and I loved him, but not as a lover. I tried everything, it wouldn't come back. But, I did not want to lose him for my two young children or for his wonderful personality and great sense of humor. He makes me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met. We didn't show the kids anger we didn't fight. I also told him to go out and find a lover and he got so mad. But, he did it anyway, and he got a condo to make love in. I found this out because I am pretty good at investigative work. It comes naturally to me. Still love his humor although he treats me like dirt now. I do not exsist in his life now and he prevents the children from seeing me. You see they live with him. I fought for my kids for over 3 years, close to 4 and they still live with him. I gave all my money to fight my millionare ex for my lovely kids. I couldn't fight anymore because the court was on his side because I had Severe Depression and had ECT and had been in a psych ward twice. Big Stigma with mental illness, even though I became sad or depressed, not Crazy! I was a sad person because my brain did not make the chemicals I needed to keep me on an even keel, I was so so sad, I wanted to die. but I did not. I finally gave up at a biased court who favored my ex and his lies and asked my daughter if she'd like to move in with me on a part time basis. She said no, she's happy at dad's because his house has been her home for 4 years and that's where she is happy now. She does not want to move in with me, nor does she want to even sleep at my house. I am at a loss. they took my daughter kicking and screaming from me and now she won't even spend the night. No, if it crossed your mind, I never called her names or hit her and none of that behavior was allowed in our home. Never. I don't get it, only that my ex has made me seem unsafe which I witnessed him do on a few occasions but didn't think she'd pay too much attention, It must be her father's influence. I didn't want to believe it. But, he's ruthless. I do think he believes nhe made a mistake and wants those days back when I was their primary parent. He's got some work to do to fix the damage he has done.

Tiresoup, I just can't believe myself reading your comment and giving it a reply all this time. But. . . to be honestly, I did. I just can't it here. could be that I clicked the wrong button, or iPhone isn't really for EP. I have lost track of the comments I needed to give replies to.

But anyways, better late than never. And what I can say is that. . . I'm glad you can relate with my experience. I am not in anyway trying to justify my own self. But I also believe, that once one love disappears to go. Then it would take a miracle to make it all the same, back in one shape.

I can feel for you . My marriage is heading that way. Since the last child was born , mind you that's 15 years ago ours was and is heading down hill.
The relationship is more or less as close friends.
Children is everything to her. Everything has to be tied in with the kids.
Basically no time between us. That's what the problem is and now I feel it's to late for her or me to change

Still, I wish you good luck. Thank you for writting in, Prakash69.

I wish you all the best to
Take care

*oh* in 2013 I find out you’re going through this...how is it now, where are you at this point?

I'm a the point of no turning back.
LOL! I love your question. I have to take few time for myself before writing in a reply.
I could have given you detailed answer. . . but I'm older and I know better. . . baby. **wink wink**

girl go get that ***** wasted, I mean serious take care of :p

LMAO! I somehow knew you'd say that.^^

Wellllll... its either u believe u have 1 life or 108 and no idea which # is now so u die 2morrow what do you do tonight?

Amen to that, girl!

2 More Responses

You are always Class and beauty and intelligence.

(((half faints))) (((@_@))) haha! Thank you!!

You are one of EPs major wows.

It takes a strong person to share this.... I know this is an older story but how has things turned out for you? I have been holding back on seeking the release for my urges for 10 yrs. in my mind, I am a ****, in real life, I am unfortunately a chicken ****

I have viewed few of your stories, and felt sorry about yours. Mine is just the same, no changes at all. I have been living for my kids all these years. There is more to say, than what was said. But in respect to being just civil, for each other's peace of mind, I try to avoid any frictions. You might hate me for this, but as you can see. . . I'm the refuser. But that doesn't change the fact that I need affections from a man I feel I love.^^ Hope you find peace of mind.

I get a brief moment daily with the piece of mind... Thru ************.... Sorry

I tend to seek humor a lot

I would never hate you for the choices that you make, I am no one to be judging others, that's for sure...

Thank you for reading my stories...

May we both find surges for our urges. :-)

K

Hey I knowjust how you feel. I want to hear someone else's thoughts just too make sure ...

Thanks Get!

I agree that with old mate, we all have needs and urges!! and the problem some of us go through is those urges have to be acted on!! I understand your situation completely!! I'm feeling rather selfish these days myself!! I hope you figure out someway to make yourself happy either way!!

Well let me say I am a married man for 34 years, 58 now. When I was 38 had my first chiild second by 40 and an affair after the second child. It went on for 6 years. Now affairs start out of some defect I think we can agree on that. So me
without carrying on felt a sense of entitlement and entered into an affair with a women new in the work place. It began as she became the sounding board for what was going on between my wife and me and consumated with a blow job on our regular lunch date. I got away with that because my boss was never around and I could come and go and I just met her and the sex began.
She really did not do it all the well, but it was sex. We became a **** couple meeting regularly for lunch then on our days off and it just went on and on.
It was revenge sex or just that I could do it. I really like the women never loved her and it ended, it ended horribly that is all I will say. I have no issue doing it again but have not in 10 years it just becomes so much work. My suggestion dont do it at work. If you want to see an affair exactly how they develope and end maybe not as dramaticlly but they do look at the movie Unfaithful

Good luck feel free to respond backl

Sure, thanks for the invite. And for sharing.^^

I wanna bang me fat **** right in your mouth an treat u like a dirty little hore for one night only an then think of it as the best sex of my life for the rest of my life coz it will b dat good girl.... Fancy a bit let me know xxx stay rude u sexy lil mofo xxx

he he You made me laugh. I'm more than that, you mofo (?).

I was watching the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" where they were quoting Thomas Jefferson. I think they hit on a good point. Happiness is not something we can ever achieve fully, but instead is something we continuously pursue, to seek after. Often times our partners in life stop caring, stop seeking, just exist. We look to our self as there is something wrong with us that we can not be happy. Yet how many times is it our partners have stopped supporting? And of course the person that is the lazy one is going to blame the one that actually does the work in the relation. Time to kick your partner in the *** and get them moving again.

I'm done and all I want now are my kids to be all indepent and I would be happy.

Can I say you do not pursue anything. You become happy with now. With the moment you have this very moment. This is all you have is the present. The past is gone and there's no use having anxiety over the past it's gone. There is nothing you can do about it. And when you fret about it. What good does that do? None. You have a brain full of words and thoughts which are useless. Do not continuously pursue the future ever. It only leads to unhappiness with what is happening in your life right at this moment. Notice all the wonderful things around you or in your vision now. Do not believe if you move ahead and pursue something in your future and if, which is probably unlikely, because no one can see the future or control it to make it do what you want. it's unrealistic. When you are waiting for something in the future to happen you are wasting time you have now. Always hurrying to see the future is futile and a waste of the time you have now. When you get to the future you will be pursuing another future moment, when does it end... never if you keep waiting for the future to bring something better than you have right now. When you started to read my story at the beginning this, right this moment was your future, which never comes, because all you have is right now.

LR, do you have little kids? They are generally the ones that suffer the most from marriage probblems. I've been divorced a long time, but my kids were grown and gone before it happend. I still have a good relationship with my kids and x, I see them often.

Sometimes marriages just run out of gas, that's what happend to me.

I wish you the best of luck, everyone deserves alittle love.

Thanks Jack. I'm always reminded of that fact that my parents had ame problem. What made me strong was my mother's being with us all through out sharing her thoughts, learning from her friends whom she trust her life story. She left us few times, and I was the eldest. And i was thank every time she comes back home just for us. It's nice to have a parent who can handle their emotions Infront of their children, way you tell your story. Thanks for sharing them to me here. I wish my mother was that way. And that taught me a lot.

Me as well.

That is why people should not marry only because they love that person. Grass will always be greener on the other side. Wife left me for the same reason and i am in deep pain. Nevertheless, what comes around goes around.

Thank you Sep for sharing yourself here. And sorry to hear about it. Hope you find the kind of healing you need.

just dunno what to say......<br />
<br />
when love leaves the windows<br />
of the heart.... it almost never<br />
returns.... as if with vengeance,<br />
ever to balm, console and heal<br />
the deep felt hurts, aches & pain..........

well written. I understand ur feelings

I don't hate you, sometimes things like this just turn out that way and you fall out of love with someone or they can't take care of your needs but its life people change. You are not the first or will be the last to have this happen all that really matters is if your happy or not.

That's a sentiment shared by many....<br />
If you feel that way, why don't you just break it up? That seems the most logical and more importantly ethical thing to do.<br />
<br />
I mean, if you're already into somebody else then why bother?<br />
This could only cause serious problems later on.

The first step is to be selfish. If you don't minister to yourself, how can you minister to others? How are you to love others if you don't love yourself. You may love someone with all your heart, but just not exclusively. You may love someone forever, yet be unable to live under the same roof with them. Sometimes, you want the one you love to be dependent and less than can be, so that you feel safe, in control, and in full possession of the ob<x>ject of your affection.<br />
For each cause there is an effect. For each action there is consequence.<br />
It's possible but not certain that these thoughts and actions are helping your relationship more than they are hurting it.<br />
Live your life so that at the end, there is no regret. <br />
Disclaimer: I am a virgin, and ill at ease with any kind of real world intimacy.

Go out there and find yourself some love!!! You can do it, and make no apologies to anyone! Good for you in doing something for your happiness!

Thanks Daphne. I just need to find that happiness, that guy. LOL

You should never ignore the inner beauty that you have. It deserves to be nurtured and respected. I see no reason for you to feel guilty about beingt the woman God made you to be.

Thank you for such nice comment.

You're welcome.

This is never to be considered selfish....

I take that from a friend like you. Thanks EE

My pleasure

Nothing to do with selfishness and what does his parents and siblings have to do with your feelings, no way. You can’t live under others expectations or what you should be or act. <br />
<br />
Trust, be and do what your heart says.

Thanks Hedozen. I needed that from a lady like you.

I don't think that you are selfish. Most relationshipe are over before sex is being denied by one or both . Sometime an affair can ignite feelings in a person that have been missing for a long time. I was the one that was cheated on and I think in hindsight that I do not blame them or anyone for wanting what they are not getting at home.

I'm sorry to hear that Norman. I hope you can find a person who'd share your ideals. Warm Regards.

I have found someone . We are very happy and in an open relationship

Currently on the same tour.... Love can die more then I thought so.. We some how many of us painfully can't let go.. Long for love and passion and fell guilty for wanting it. The one we had it with or may have had it with we can't get it back. I don't even remember how mine got so bad its just one day you realize it is..

You're lucky to have felt the love for her. I'm sure there were times you felt she was all the stars and you were the moon staring at her brightness. Thank you for sharing AG.

When people are not happy at home, they go where ever they can be happy! Totally understandable! Good luck!

Thank you for reading Exp. Twenty years and still counting, sad but really it's the only thing kept here to share with.

It is sad.<br />
Good luck with everything.

(sighs) thanks bjqball