Seeking Revenge

Recently discovered that my husband had been unfaithful! Utterly devestated! He wants to make things work and deeply regrets his actions, he says I'm his soulmate and he is sorry! However I keep asking questions and wanting to know all the details! He then gets mad as I think guilt kicks in, he wants to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened, he can't understand my obsessiveness with the subject and OW! I have gone through a grieving process for the man I thought I knew and was married too, I now feel like going out and seeking revenge! Know two wrongs don't make a right but am hoping will make me feel better
Ginny04 Ginny04
41-45, F
9 Responses May 25, 2012

I think you should do it, it will make you feel much better. I'm available and more than willing to help you out.

if I was you I would go out and experience something sexualy ive never had done before. I did and it was awesome.

Just watch a series in e4 called revenge that will give I some ideas it's the best tv series I have ever seen !

Will give it a go x

I think what you need to be clear in YOUR mind is what exactly his affair was about. <br />
Men are different beasts to women and can quite easily rationalise sex as being just another activity like going to the cinema or building a moon rocket in the garden shed, or watching a sport or fiddling with the car engine. <br />
If it is acceptable to share those activities with a friend then the same applies to sex too (in some men's psyche). What is harder for some men to balance is that some women do not like their partners to mend the car with a friend - and sometimes you have to sacrifice a pleasurable activity to avoid upsetting your partner. And the reverse applies, sometimes you have to accept your man being involved in an activity with a friend that is pleasurable to him even though you would prefer he didn't in order to avoid upsetting him. There are ways around this - one is to get involved with him and his friends - tricky when it comes to sex - although some do manage it and enjoy it. Or ensure that you are the best friend and only friend that he wants to do absolutely everything with easier when it comes to sex but tricky when it comes to playing soccer or ba<x>seball!!)<br />
On the other hand if the affair was about love and emotional contact and not just the physical activity then a line was definitely been crossed. This the raises two questions Why did he feel the need for this emotional intimacy? And regarding the future - What has changed that means those emotional needs won't surface in the future? <br />
These are hard and difficult matters to address and you will both have to willingly work at the situation. Both of you will have to be honest and be prepared to hear somethings that you don't like, and recognise that all the openness and honesty could spell the end of your relationship or it could be the start of a renewed and lasting life together<br />
If it was purely about the physical act of sex - maybe some "different" sex then that is something for you to rationlise within yourself. Can you accept what he has done? Could you accept him doing it again? Could he accept you doing it (even if you wouldn't)? Are there things that you can do AND that you are willing to do, that means that the physical act of sex with you would be so damn good that he would never ever want to go elsewhere again. And remember you have a head start because sex with someone you love is way better than sex with some one you just like having sex with (I speak from experience).<br />
I write here as someone who crossed the line after many years of no intimacy with my wife. I thought that getting some of what I was missing would fill the gap. It did not. I fell in love with one of my partners - so there is a risk that the **** buddy becomes something more - and that ended quite painfully. I then realised what was really missing and now I am getting divorced. I recognised the need to move on and I have now met the most wonderful woman in the world (through EP as it happens - so beware of where on-line activity can lead you).

Inspector 999, glad you have sorted yourself out x
I don't know the reasons he had an affair and I don't think he does, i think part of it was flattery and attention, the need for feeling wanted and being appreciated.
There was never a lack of sex in our relationship! Think with some people just the thrill of a new partner! ( I don't know) I can't forgive and can't forget, get very angry! Some days I Want to tell him to **** off and other days I love him and can't imagine my life without him!
Feel stupid and pathetic at times as I always said no one would ever cheat on me! They would be gone!
Life is so very very complicated x

Of course he is sorry -- he got caught! Honestly, you'll probably never get the full story, and the reality is that cheaters are oftentimes repeat pla<x>yers -- you just never find out about the other instances. If he denies other infidelities, ask him to take a lie detector test. Recognize that the betrayal, in all likelihood, isn't about you, but is about them and their shortfalls, although cheaters often try to blame the victim in order to make themselves feel better.<br />
<br />
I am not a trained professional, but my observations are that: (i) "therapy" rarely works; it is just a fig leaf so that the cheater and the perhaps the victim can say that they "try to make it work", and (ii) relationships rarely happily survive a betrayal such as this; the victim rightfully remains bitter, mistrustful and sometimes vengeful; the cheater often goes back doing what they do, just more skillfully the next time.<br />
<br />
I have never been a victim of an infidelity, but if I was in your circumstance I would go see a good lawyer, put some money aside, and then seek a divorce when I got everything in properly in order. Believe it or not, there are plenty of good men (and women) out there and there is happiness for you on the other side of this ugly event (or perhaps event(s)).<br />
<br />

Thanks for your words x
Still don't know what I'm going to do! Feel do inadequate and stupid x

No, you are not inadequate or stupid . . . the universe has just thrown you a curveball. From my perspective, honesty, loyalty and dignity should never be sacrificed. In the short term, collect as many facts as you can, and recognize that cheaters practice "trickle down" truth -- admit only what they have to. Ergo, the recommendation for a lie detector test. His willingness to subject himself to one will speak volumes.

Wish I could just rewind my life!
Honestly if you met my hubby you would never ever say he was the kind of guy who would be a player! He's just not like that! Makes it all the more difficult to accept. X
I really do appreciate your replies, thanks

My husband is just like you have described but I have been thinking about a lie detector test.
I think the reason I want an affair of my own though is so I will understand his since he doesn't know why he did it or what happened to him. I've been told it's a bad idea but there are days that I am so tempted.

1 More Response

Please do not go the revenge route If he wants to work it. out make him find the counselor You both will need to go An affair happens when there is space between the couple If you want space he should leave if you want a divorce he should grant it.

Thanks for your words x
Am less angry now and realise Wont make it right x

Sometimes revenge will actually help you get over the wrong that was done to you ..I'm sorry that it happened to you tho and wish you the best of luck

Thanks but just can't do x

Ginny04 I am in your exact situation, I just found out a few days ago that my partner has been cheating on me and I am furious! And increadibly upset. He is trying very hard to make things work but I just dont know if I can get past it.<br />
I feel ripped off and I too am seeking revenge I want him to understand how it feels having your partner and the person you love sleep with someone else. <br />
Also like you I am wanting all the details of the affair, no matter how much it hurts. It is all so fresh still (not sure about your situation) so I am going to go away for a while, think about what I want to do in hopes that will provide some clarity. I may decide to stay with him, or leave, or sleep with someone else and throw it in his face and let fate take its course.<br />
Good luck

Good luck to you as well x let me know how it goes, hugs to you x

"However I keep asking questions and wanting to know all the details! He then gets mad as I think guilt kicks in, he wants to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened, he can't understand my obsessiveness with the subject and OW!"<br />
<br />
Let's assume he feels guilty. Let's assume he's realized it was actually a bad decision on his part and he's honestly wanting to change it.<br />
<br />
In this case, if you are continuing to focus on what happened and questioning him over it, you are generating a couple of different emotional responses in him. You are probably bringing up guilt--over his bad decisions--as well as apprehension/fear over your current focus on his bad decisions as well as--probably--some highly emotional and/or sexual emotions regarding the other person and his experiences. <br />
<br />
Depending on whether he sees this as understandable on your part or whether he sees this as you intentionally trying to make him feel guilty, you might be generating a high perception of antagonism there.<br />
<br />
So, the question is whether--at the end of this--you desire to stay in a marriage relationship with him or whether your current long term goal is to simply exact punishment? If you're intending to stay--assuming he's also intending to stay--you may want to back off on this. Definitely--if you haven't already--require him and you to get STD tests to be sure. Make sure there aren't any current legal (or financial) liabilities resulting from his cheating, and move on. (With professional help, if necessary.)<br />
<br />
Otherwise, save you and him some grief, get your financial situations in order, and separate pending a divorce because you are now aiming for a very hostile home life for a very long time otherwise. <br />
<br />
Good luck!

Thanks for your wise words x
Sometimes when you are in a situation it's difficult to stand back and look at what is really happening x will try to back off as really Want things to work it x
Thank you

Very sound comments.