A Crazy Situation

We've been married for almost 12 years. We have 2 beautiful young children. I am a creative, fun, spontaneous person who loves life. My husband is humble and caring and has been depressed for most of his adult life. Opposites attract? I don't regret my decision because we wouldn't have these amazing children and I wouldn't know this special man that is my husband. But, I can't help but covet some of the relationships my friends have with their husbands. I KNOW they are not perfect but, they are in love. And they are intimate. My husband and I. We are not. He is unable to be with his depression. I can't fault him. He has tried everything (meds, therapy, nutrition) and now I believe the depression is part of his core being and that it will never change.

I had never experienced depression a day in my life until after we had our second child. I was better able to understand how he feels every day. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Now two years later I don't experience the depression/anxiety anymore. Recently while approaching my 30's I'm experiencing an increase in my desire for intimacy. I've always had a strong appetite but, it's stronger now.

In our marriage our sexual history is very unusual I think and it's hard for me to relate to friends. He hasn't had much of an appetite but, at times even early on in our marriage, I've found images on our computer. Sites he'd look at. I'm not naive, I understand people do this. The images are what disturbed me because they were of female wrestlers. I've confronted him on this asking what it is about women who look like this that turn him on? I've never received a straight answer. I am so the opposite. I'm soft and very femme. But, I turn him on too? When he wants to be which is not very often.

Now, almost 12 years later his blood pressure is high, so he's on meds which makes it hard for him to perform. So, we've tried but, he gets nervous about it which makes it worse. I've tried so many things to set him at ease. I'm not just looking for self-satisfaction. It brings me joy to please my husband so, there have been times were we go in to intimacy without expectations but, most of the time (which is about 8 times a year) it ends where he's disapointed.

Both of us have a declining faith. We've lost interest in pursuing our God. Neither one of us prays anymore or reads our bible. My heart is hard I know. His is too. He talks often about wanting it all to be over. He will never kill himself but, I think he is intentionally not taking care of himself hoping he'll die sooner than later. It's really hard for me to watch. I've tried to encourage him in so many ways. I feel like I've done all that I can. I've been patient, I've put my foot down, I've helped him with his diet, meds, doctor visits, natural alternatives, hobbies...you name it we've tried it.

Our kids are good. He's a good daddy. He doesn't have as much energy as I'd like for our kids but, he's loving and kind. He's a great teacher. At the end of the day they are WAY better off with him than without him. He's not abusive or neglectful but, I wouldn't trust him to be a single dad because of his depression (angry outbursts sometimes). I'm afraid he could lose his temper and make a mistake he'd really regret if he were to have custody part time. Therefore I don't leave the kids a lot. Which is fine with me. I make sure to get my breaks too.

So here I am wondering what to do about a situation? Basically we met a husband and wife (I'll call them Matt and Kay) a year ago. I can't give away too many details for privacy but, my husband and I have a professional relationship with this couple. We see them occasionally but, most of the time we see Matt. In the past year I've noticed over time that Matt and I have been becoming more friendly. My husband doesn't communicate with Matt anymore and his wife doesn't communicate with me anymore. Kay has depression and severe anxiety and she has discussed this with me knowing my experience with it. In the past few meetings I've noticed that Matt has been asking me more personal questions like "Is everything okay?" or about personal interests and more about who I am. I find myself asking him the same questions. His body language tells me that he has some kind of interest in me. He has flirted with me in front of my husband but when we are alone he is more friendly and less flirty. I can think of many times where we hold each other's gaze. It seems more so when my husband is around. Why is this?

Last week he texted me about some business and at the end of the text he said "well looking forward to seeing you again soon". I thought that was odd? He's never said anything like that to me before. Before he use to always include my husband's name when saying something nice to us or about us but, now he just says you. I then texted him and asked if we could meet for coffee sometime to talk. I told him I have questions for him about how he deals with being married to somebody with depression. It's true that he's the only person I know who is the spouse and not the depressed person. However, of course I have other motives. Mostly, I just want to see him again and spend time with without children around or spouses. I thought for sure he'd reply no if for nothing else the fact that our relationship is a professional one. But he said he'd like to arrange a time in 2 weeks to meet up and talk. I see our relationship as more and maybe he does too?

Why am I even posting on here? It's not like I'm looking on advice as to whether to cheat or not. I made up my mind with Matt a month or so after meeting him that if he ever made a move I'd let him. I understand the kind of crazy position I'm in. Maybe I'm wondering if people who read this think Matt is interested in the same thing? Is his mind made up too? I know he probably hasn't wanted to make any kind of first move because of the nature of our relationship. But, I feel like lately he's been giving me clues.

I'm not sure what to expect at our meeting coming up, if anything. I'm hoping we can make a real connection. He makes me smile and feel alive again. He's a happy person, confident in himself. Is he always like that or just around me? I'm not always happy and confident being in the kind of marriage I am. When he's around I feel more like myself.

Summersend7 Summersend7
36-40, F
7 Responses Jun 15, 2012

Hi ya, are you ok? Did you meet? Hope it went ok, if you want to talk about it send me a private message xx

why don't you wear a push up bra and show some cleveage for your meet. <br />
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and<br />
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watch his eyes when he talks with you.

Thursday afternoon we are meeting. He texted me today on his lunch but I asked him to call me. Wanted to make sure it was him. He called me and I expressed that I didn't want to offend his wife if she knew about our meeting or saw my text asking him to talk. He didn't ever say that she knows we are meeting but did mention that she's done research on spouses of people with depression for church stuff? He wanted me to meet him at his place of business and then go somewhere from there. I didn't take that as a good sign that he's interested. But nonetheless I'm excited to see him and glean some advice or wisdom. I really didn't think he'd even contact me at all. He's so busy right now. We will see what happens.

When you meet up with Matt, make sure you're shaved and have condoms and a good time! Good luck.

Are you being funny or are you saying that cause you think he's interested? I wish I knew for sure.

I think he's interested.

I am in a similar situation - and sadly my faith has taken a beating as well. It is difficult when you see other couples love and fight and just get so into each other - intimacy is everything, especially when you don't have it. <br />
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I would probably go and meet him for coffee. But guard your heart because once you go down that road things will change - good things, like you say, you feel more like yourself when you're around him. I can relate to that - you don't realise how much of yourself you have given up and quieted for the sake of the other person and its only when someone else comes into your life and wakens that in you again, that you realise how much you are sacrificing and missing out on. Doesn't even need to be a man - my best friend from childhood is a part of my life again and just that friendship has made me feel more alive and more like myself. <br />
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I am a mum too and I think that as well needs to stay in your thoughts. Maybe he's been thinking the same things you have and you could work out a mutually pleasing 'arrangement'. But don't feel bad if he doesn't. I think its just great that you've recognised that you miss being like your old self. That is something that you can get back in lots of ways, through friendships, hobbies, therapy etc. Maybe nto as fun as with a fun vivacious lover but its a start. <br />
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Good luck with whatever path you decide to take. xx

Thank you so much. Love your username. It's actually those books that woke up that part of me that was so repressed.

Yes, Christian Grey seems to be waking up every woman's inner heart and desire. He is the ultimate kinky fantasy - not just the relentless sex in those books (how he runs a multinational company is beyond me...lol) but his total focus, his obsession really with her. When you aren't feeling loved for who you are or feeling that intimacy that he and Ana share that book can really knock you for six...I've come down a bit from the books - don't think I could live in a permanent state of excitement (would be fun to try for a while though!). But what hasn't come down, like you say, is the bit its woken up. And i'm happy for that. But now that box is open i'm not sure where to go with it.

You nervous about meeting up with him? I hope you'll be alright after your 'coffee date'. xx

Thanks. I am totally nervous. It's completely consuming my thoughts. I wish we had a set time and day but I'm waiting for him to call or text when he's in the area. I know right now he's traveling for work. I'm so very tempted just to text him about anything just to hear from him. I won't do that though. Right now I'm just trying to focus on taking care of my family and myself.

So come on!!! What's happened?!?! I just read your story and nearly cried! Then I've been reading the follow ups and now I'm desperate to know how the meet went? I hope for your sake whatever happened or didn't happen that you're happy and have regained some of that zest for life that a meeting with him seems to have given you!
Please write back and say how it's going.

1 More Response

touchy situation,, coffee meet will give u some perspective,, let it all hang out ,,be honest,, play it as it lays,, gather insights and maybee act

I understand your experience of living with a spouse battling depression and the desire for something more. As you have experienced yourself, depression often expresses itself as forms of isolation. As the person with depression, you will often isolate yourself from others to protect them and the feeling of worthiness. Often society isolates those battling depresion, partly because they do not know what to do to help and its scary. I admire your courage and strength to support and love him for who he is.<br />
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You have feelings, desires and needs also. Only you can decide what is best for your happiness, mental health and feelings of being complete. This is your Life and you do what you feel is best. I wish you the best and happiness, no matter what the future brings. <br />
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Please keep us informed of what transpires.