A Crazy Situation

We've been married for almost 12 years. We have 2 beautiful young children. I am a creative, fun, spontaneous person who loves life. My husband is humble and caring and has been depressed for most of his adult life. Opposites attract? I don't regret my decision because we wouldn't have these amazing children and I wouldn't know this special man that is my husband. But, I can't help but covet some of the relationships my friends have with their husbands. I KNOW they are not perfect but, they are in love. And they are intimate. My husband and I. We are not. He is unable to be with his depression. I can't fault him. He has tried everything (meds, therapy, nutrition) and now I believe the depression is part of his core being and that it will never change.

I had never experienced depression a day in my life until after we had our second child. I was better able to understand how he feels every day. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Now two years later I don't experience the depression/anxiety anymore. Recently while approaching my 30's I'm experiencing an increase in my desire for intimacy. I've always had a strong appetite but, it's stronger now.

In our marriage our sexual history is very unusual I think and it's hard for me to relate to friends. He hasn't had much of an appetite but, at times even early on in our marriage, I've found images on our computer. Sites he'd look at. I'm not naive, I understand people do this. The images are what disturbed me because they were of female wrestlers. I've confronted him on this asking what it is about women who look like this that turn him on? I've never received a straight answer. I am so the opposite. I'm soft and very femme. But, I turn him on too? When he wants to be which is not very often.

Now, almost 12 years later his blood pressure is high, so he's on meds which makes it hard for him to perform. So, we've tried but, he gets nervous about it which makes it worse. I've tried so many things to set him at ease. I'm not just looking for self-satisfaction. It brings me joy to please my husband so, there have been times were we go in to intimacy without expectations but, most of the time (which is about 8 times a year) it ends where he's disapointed.

Both of us have a declining faith. We've lost interest in pursuing our God. Neither one of us prays anymore or reads our bible. My heart is hard I know. His is too. He talks often about wanting it all to be over. He will never kill himself but, I think he is intentionally not taking care of himself hoping he'll die sooner than later. It's really hard for me to watch. I've tried to encourage him in so many ways. I feel like I've done all that I can. I've been patient, I've put my foot down, I've helped him with his diet, meds, doctor visits, natural alternatives, hobbies...you name it we've tried it.

Our kids are good. He's a good daddy. He doesn't have as much energy as I'd like for our kids but, he's loving and kind. He's a great teacher. At the end of the day they are WAY better off with him than without him. He's not abusive or neglectful but, I wouldn't trust him to be a single dad because of his depression (angry outbursts sometimes). I'm afraid he could lose his temper and make a mistake he'd really regret if he were to have custody part time. Therefore I don't leave the kids a lot. Which is fine with me. I make sure to get my breaks too.

So here I am wondering what to do about a situation? Basically we met a husband and wife (I'll call them Matt and Kay) a year ago. I can't give away too many details for privacy but, my husband and I have a professional relationship with this couple. We see them occasionally but, most of the time we see Matt. In the past year I've noticed over time that Matt and I have been becoming more friendly. My husband doesn't communicate with Matt anymore and his wife doesn't communicate with me anymore. Kay has depression and severe anxiety and she has discussed this with me knowing my experience with it. In the past few meetings I've noticed that Matt has been asking me more personal questions like "Is everything okay?" or about personal interests and more about who I am. I find myself asking him the same questions. His body language tells me that he has some kind of interest in me. He has flirted with me in front of my husband but when we are alone he is more friendly and less flirty. I can think of many times where we hold each other's gaze. It seems more so when my husband is around. Why is this?

Last week he texted me about some business and at the end of the text he said "well looking forward to seeing you again soon". I thought that was odd? He's never said anything like that to me before. Before he use to always include my husband's name when saying something nice to us or about us but, now he just says you. I then texted him and asked if we could meet for coffee sometime to talk. I told him I have questions for him about how he deals with being married to somebody with depression. It's true that he's the only person I know who is the spouse and not the depressed person. However, of course I have other motives. Mostly, I just want to see him again and spend time with without children around or spouses. I thought for sure he'd reply no if for nothing else the fact that our relationship is a professional one. But he said he'd like to arrange a time in 2 weeks to meet up and talk. I see our relationship as more and maybe he does too?

Why am I even posting on here? It's not like I'm looking on advice as to whether to cheat or not. I made up my mind with Matt a month or so after meeting him that if he ever made a move I'd let him. I understand the kind of crazy position I'm in. Maybe I'm wondering if people who read this think Matt is interested in the same thing? Is his mind made up too? I know he probably hasn't wanted to make any kind of first move because of the nature of our relationship. But, I feel like lately he's been giving me clues.

I'm not sure what to expect at our meeting coming up, if anything. I'm hoping we can make a real connection. He makes me smile and feel alive again. He's a happy person, confident in himself. Is he always like that or just around me? I'm not always happy and confident being in the kind of marriage I am. When he's around I feel more like myself.