On The Fence In Indianapolis...

I love my wife but feel frustrated at the fact she is the only woman I've been with. I have gained a lot of confidence over the last 10 years and realized that I had several missed opportunities in my late teens and early twenties. (before I met my wife and got married). She has mentioned on more than one occasion that I could benefit from having an experience outside of our marriage. I started down this path once but she was not able to bring herself to be open to the idea. She thought she could but in the end she just couldn't. I was not surprised and completely sympathized with her. I told myself (and her) this was ok and I just had to get past the idea of ever being with another woman. This was 2 years ago and I just cannot get past the thought, thus I came across this site and thought it would at least help to get my thoughts out there. I have no desire to ever leave my wife but feel trapped sexually. Thoughts?
smotherchad smotherchad
31-35, M
3 Responses Aug 9, 2012

Sometimes being with someone else other than your significant other actually will benefit your marriage, but only in 1 situation - play safe. I supposed there will be some sort of guilt feeling that will followed and this guilt feeling will bring up some goodies to the already quiet/dull relationship. It sounds pretty sad (at least I think so) that you've ever only been with 1 person. I'm sure you will always have thoughts about how it will feel like being with another woman, and those fantasy will actually kill you from inside.2 options. First, if your wife decided that you can go have a few flings outside, that will fullfill your desire (but only in the case that your desire is only a few times, means it wouldn't grow and escalate). Second, if your wife figured she can't deal with it, you only have this one option - take it, and leave your fantasy to stay just in your fantasy. What else can you do?? OH.. will you consider creating option 3 - do it secretly without letting her know?

Option 3 is what I'm leaning towards right now. I am not being aggressive with it in the least though. Not really sure what to do I guess, wait for something to fall in my lap?

If you wanna do it underground, then it won't make a difference if you are or aren't the one initiating the thing. But in order to keep it low and safe, you better not look around at your office or from your own network you have now. Choosing the right person to be with is also very important cos if you've chosen a woman that really loves you and wanna break you from your wife, you will be in deep trouble. But how can you assure that you won't fall for the new one??? What if you found someone you love so much that you would let go everything you have now and to be with her???

I had already figured on avoiding the office and anyone I know. I don't have any fear of falling for someone else though. I have given this some thought and I think because I already have that I feel like it doesn't really enter into the equation. I just don't really know how to begin the process at this point though. Stymied.

Just checking and see how you're doing.. Any updates? =D

No, nothing yet. Still waiting for something to fall in my lap i think, probably be waiting a long time. Lol

2 More Responses

I have to give you credit -- it sounds as if you and your wife are at least being open and honest with one another. This is clearly in contrast to 95%+ of the coconuts who post on this message board, most of whom glorify, condone and promote betrayal and downright deception.<br />
<br />
However, I would make the following two points: (i) most people out there wish they had more experience, save the promiscuous few [most of whom have been down to the free clinic more than a few times], so you are not unique, and (ii) there are numerous, numerous stories of married adventure seekers who look for "experience", "added intimacy" and other nonsense, who end up breaking the rules set with their spouses at the beginning of the process and thus find themselves in divorce court [to be read, there goes half your wealth and your relationship with your children, not to mention the spouse who loved you]. Oftentimes, even with full disclosure and an agreement in place, straying from the marriage ends up in disaster.<br />
<br />
No one's life is perfect. By all accounts, I have a life that 99.9% of people out there would love to have, and I can attest there are issues the universe throws at me on a daily basis that makes life a chore. What does give me joy is the fact that I try to lead a moral and ethical life, in which I strive to eliminate any pain and suffering I cause to innocent third parties, whether related to me or not (I am a vegan, so I would include all sentient beings in that statement).<br />
<br />
So, in short, try to warm your wife up, perhaps engage in some fantasy play or whatever gets you guys going, but keep the marriage bed pure. Believe it or not, it sounds like you got it pretty good.<br />
<br />

You're a fool. Your wife and the stability she brings into your life are the foundation of your confidence. Appreciate her, eat her ***** a little more often and spend your energy solving less self centered problems in your life.

I don't think I am a fool for acknowledging a deep seated desire that I have had all my adult life. The confidence I have is not just from the stability she brings to my life but from my developing more self-confidence, something I was sorely lacking in my youth. I appreciate completely what she has given me but recognize that I may have some desires of my own that are worth exploring, especially if they are adversely affecting my personal life at home.

To respond to your point of giving her more attention, trust me when I state that is not the problem here, quiet the opposite actually. We are just at different points in our lives sexually. (who isn't most of the time?) I would just like to explore my desires in a more controlled and thought-out fashion as opposed to doing something short-sited and potentially disastrous simply because I ignored my own feelings. I am very much a giver (she has told me this herself and acknowledged my unselfish character on several occasions).