What To Do Now

I am married. Have been for close to 11 years. Though I doubt I would ever say we are happily married. Yea I love him. But I don't really like him. He's not abusive, physically or emotionally. If I ***** enough he will help with the house work. An he is absolutely great with the kids.

So what's the problem? He won't do anything. Let's start w he won't take care of himself. At 31 he has extremely high blood pressure and I'm tired of nagging at him about taking his meds, his diet, his lack of exercise. And he won't do anything. Mostly he sits in his recliner and stares at the tv. He gets invited by the guys to go to the lake, but he doesn't go, or to play paintball, he doesn't go, or to the Thursday and Friday night races, he doesn't go. Yes I know he's depressed yes I got him meds for that to but there's only so much a pill can do. he got laid off a
Couple years ago and honestly it's kinda been down hill since.

I'm more high energy with the need to do things. Really happy if they are new things. Im upbeat and excitable. But lately I feel like he is dragging me down. I've dealt w depression in the past and I try very hard to keep myself from falling back into that.

So recently I meant this guy. He makes me feel more like myself. He makes me laugh, a lot. He makes me feel happy and special. I can talk to him about whatever. But he's married and I'm married and we both have families and though I like him and he likes me, I'm scared of ruining 2 families if we continue seeing each other (I know what will eventually happen. There's a lot of sexual tension) I like him but I'm not sure in willing to risk a family I've spent 11 years making for a guy who would never be more then a short affair.
astonehocker astonehocker
8 Responses Sep 6, 2012

Well for an update.... I asked for a seperation he refused. I did have an affair, it wasn't smart but it made things slightly easier for a while, just one less thing I was focusing on. My husband is aware not happy about it, but he knows. He graduated a couple weeks ago. You want to know what's changed? Nothing. Not a damn thing. He still doesn't do anything, he still ******* and whines, sex still isn't that great (even when I give him a 'road map') he keeps promising things will be better and I keep believing it. I love him. We have been together 13 years, I don't know how to not be with him. I think that's the problem. We co exist together, we live together we sleep in the same bed, but we don't really talk and when we do it always ends up in a fight. If I do anything without him (go to the gym, have a drink w friends, go to my parents without him) it results in a fight. I honestly thing the problem is that he can't be without me because he's scared to be alone. I don't know how to end the marriage. I try to do everything in a friendly way so there's no hard feelings. Which results in my not making any headway. But if I do it any other way he threatens me that if we split, he won't be a part of the boys lives and I believe him, he's not really a part of his daughter's life.

The worst part is there are 2 guys at work who have mentioned 'hooking up' and though I found in exhilarating to have a secret and be someone's dirty secret I worry about the ramifications of continuing this kind of behavior just because I'm to much of a chicken to deal with my bullshit marriage.

perhaps you can meet your needs very discreetly,, whats his story,,

is he in the same situation ?? youll think better after a few dam good *******,,

me ?? i wouldnt hesitate a minute,, bee discreet delete all trails,, computer history,, if its good, get a t mobile cell phone that ya get at wal mart and pay for the minutes in cash,, keep it in yer car,, careful dont use the credit card for anything,, dont break yer routine,,

Yes, you will ruin both families, causing a lot of pain and misery not only for the adults involved by the children also. Do the smart (and wise) thing and stay away.

so many of us in the same boat !! am lookin for a lover,,

I think your latest reply changes the dynamics of the entire issue. You said that he's been unfaithfull "multiple" times? How many more times are you willing to let him cheat and get away with it? You're an enabler. For as long as you let him slide with his cheating, he's going to continue doing it. He's using you. You are so much better off without him in your lfe. He brings absolutely nothing to your marriage but grief, pain, embarrassment, and debt. At your age, you still have a lot of years left in your life to have a happy ending. Don't waste any more time with this deadbeat.

My advice would be to cut contact with the BF and focus on your family. You don't want to be the reason another family is destroyed! Let your husband know how you feel...try to be there for him and encourage him to talk to someone and maybe a change in meds is required. I know you can feel stuck in this situation but I think this is what "for better or worse" stood for. There can be a happy ending in your marriage with some hard work in love!

Sounds like you married at a very young age....husband 31 yr old now, you have an 11 yr old son. Now he's been out of work for a couple years and now going to school full time. I assume you're the sole source of income for the family. That's gotta be a lot of pressure on you....supporting your family, paying mortgage, utilities, groceries, gas, plus putting him through school (that has to be expensive). Not trying to snoop, but how's your finances? Are you in debt? That could also play a part in your husband's low self esteem. Knowing you have mounting debt (bills) and he's feeling like he's not contributing, and only adding to it with his school costs. How's his school grades? Is he getting by with decent grades? <br />
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Sounds like he could use some professional counseling, but I doubt he'd go. You may want to go yourself, just to get some reassurance that you're not doing anything wrong. It may just take time for him to work out his issues, but in the meantime you need to take care of yourself. You have to have a lot of stress yourself and need to aliviate it. Do you workout or have any fitness activites that you enjoy doing? I think you need to take care of yourself where you can....from a stress standpoint and a sex standpoint. No, I don't condone having an affair....just not worth risking 11 years. <br />
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I do want to let you know that you're not alone. Tons of people go through these kinds of issues all the time. I just hope they work out with you and your husband. My own marriage had it's rough spots, with different issues, and it took time to get where we are today...not sure if I'm ready to share any of it. Maybe in time.

We married when I was 17 and he was 20. We already had one son and he has a daughter from before.
Of course were in debt. But then I guess most of America is.
Just to add to this, my husband had been unfaithful multiple times. I have cried and begged and screamed and yelled. I've tried for marital counseling I'm at a loss
Last night I tried to explain to him that he needs to understand what he does effects the rest of us me and the kids. I explained that if he didn't start taking care of himself especially his blood pressure he could die at 36 like his grandpa. He told me we would all be better off without him do why should he bother. It broke my heart. Who doesn't wanna see their kids grow up and graduate. So sad.

Sounds like he has serious self-worth issues from not having a job. It's gotta be tough for him to be a stay-at-home dad, when he should be out working. Working is just all part of a healthy lifestyle...it makes you feel like you're contributing to the household. <br />
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How's your sex life with him? Does he still show in interest in you sexually? He may be depressed about that as well. Perhaps you can initiate some sexual contact with him to get a response from him. Are you still sexually attracted to him? <br />
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I'd like to hear more about your relationship. Please try not to cave in on any kind of affair. Once you do, there's no turning back. I believe your relationship with your husband will improve. Keep trying to get him involved doing things with you. Plan an afternoon with him (without the kids) for a fun date. If you need suggestions, let me know.

He goes to school full time. I know it's hard on him and I know he is depressed and I get that he has low self esteem, but I can't fix any of that. He might feel better if he got off his *** and did something. But like last weekend the guys were taking the boat out last weekend. He wouldn't go because I wouldn't go. No one else's wide or girlfriend was going so why would I want to go spend 6 hours on the lake with 15 guy and 0 girls.

Sex is a sore subject right now. It doesn't happen unless I initiate it (which is also getting old) and with the high blood pressure, depression,stress, ect lets just say it isn't the best. Hard time getting it or keeping it up or lasting more then 5 minutes. And then he gets to whine about how he feels bad because he can't "get it done". And honestly I hate listening to it. I hate the self pity self loathing ****.

I try to plan things for us to do. Do u know what he's willing to do? Go to my parents to watch the football game, or racing or whatever (I'm close to my parents. We see them pretty regularly) when I say he won't do anything I mean anything. We use to play backyard football with the kids and my nephews, he won't play. We use to take the kids to the school and play basketball, every time it's brought up now he doesn't want to go. But what pissed me off the most, we were at the park for my nephews birthday. My 11year old found a pond/swamp in the woods. I went on the 1/4 mile hike twice w him to see the pond. He begged and I do mean begged his dad ti go with him cuz he wanted to show him the frogs and dragonflies. He refused to go. He didn't want to. My son is 11. It won't be much longer an he's not going ti want to do things with his parents. I say take advantage while we can.

Which brings me to my final point. I don't get along w his family. He doesn't get along w then either. There was a big fallout right after we started dating. But his mom and grandma and brother have and are trying to make amends. I don't care one way or another. But I am tired of deflecting for him. If he doesn't want to talk to them then he needs to tell them. Im tired of him making me answer them and deflect. Or his telling them well come out Saturday and then when we don't go he doesn't answer his moms call or txt or she blows up my phone. My family has drama too and I have to deal w my family and his. I need a little help. I need him to handle his family and I will handle mine.

I'm just tired of it all. And I tell him. I have tried talking to him in non threatening approaches. I use "I feel" statements I yell and wave my arms. I ignore him I ***** and carry on. I haven't found an approach that works yet.