Why Not?

So I am at the point, after 31 years of marriage, of thinking that fidelity is not what it's cracked up to be. I can rationalize all I want, but I suppose but the reality is that I love my wife--she is my best friend--but she is totally not into sex. I have tried to be patient, I have encouraged her to ask her doctor if there is a physical problem (there apparently isn't) and she has been seeing a therapist but the bottom line is, no sex, no intimacy. For the last three or four years, sex has been, at best, episodic. She gets annoyed if I "pressure her" so I don't. I guess I am suppose to just help myself and be satisfied.

I just don't know what to do. I have tried to raise the subject sensitively... not much response. I don't know what I should do. I was raised to believe that marriage meant trust and fidelity. But holy crap, am I suppose to spend the next 30 years without sex? Am I the only one with this problem? Is monogamy a thing of the past?
njsojourner njsojourner
56-60, M
2 Responses Sep 24, 2012

Its like this in my marrigage - he wont talk about it - he has a physical problem - he's seen the doc - some years ago - but wont take his advice so thats it - he can't do it and I'm supposed to accept it and live the rest of my life without it!!! when we last 'argued' about it he shouted at me --- "do you want me to give you permission to have an affair"?? There is very little between us - we've been together for 29 years... christ ...before I met him I never went 5 years without it!!!!! But now I have to - my sex life is finished............. over.... but I'm not ready to go without yet.... but have no choise... feeling very sad...

I'm in about the same boat. After about 10 years the sex went downhill. Now she's just not interested. I ask myself the same thing, 'Do I have to live the rest of my life without sex?'

The more I think about it, the more I am struck by the unfairness of the situation: wife doesn't want sex no matter how I try to be more sensitive about it BUT I am not supposed to have an affair or seek a sexual outlet somewhere else. Can't win.