The Greener Grass

I generally encourage refusees to have affairs if they will not leave their marriage, so good on your husband, but this moral-man-led-astry-by-an-evil-woman interpretation of events is a little laughable. It was his free conscious choice to boink someone else, and it seems you don't want to accept that.

I know an affair wouldn't work. I can see all of the pain that it would eventually lead to. That's all very rational and I see that it is not what I would want.

Still, when things seem very dark, when I have been rejected so many times that I stop making advances, when I see the torment in my wifes face be she doesn't feel able to give me what I need, the thought stirs in the back of my mind. Its not a real desire for another woman, its a desperate attempt to resolve a problem that has little chance of a solution. With me its a thought and will probably be nothing more. I can see how some choose it as a solution. I'm sure there are some who have found it works.

I don't believe it would work for me. My wife and I are open and honest with each other. We talk about the problems. We both try to meet in the middle but it is a paradox. She can't want more than she does. I cant want less than I do. On both sides it is who we are.

88 Oh no, I realize he made his free choice believe me. I totally admit that and in no way am I in denial of that. Its a hard true fact and from day one I never thought he was blameless for sure. He's is more quilty to me than her even if she started it or not. She was married knew he was married and pursued an affair. I do not think he knew what he was getting into initially when she knew exactly what she was doing. The woman admitted to me that she initiated this and my husband would have never initiated it. I have this text still on my phone. I knew that she didnt have to tell me. Does that say I think he's a poor helpless man who was taken advantage of, no it sure doesn't. I did not say she was an evil woman. I referred to her as a snake in the grass and that's what I think. Multiple affair woman here that is a proven known fact by many people. Any married woman or man that pursues another married person is a snake in the grass to me.

I think it's very sad that you would encourage a married person to have an affair. That tells me how you roll and I just disagree with you and we can agree to disagree. If the affair is found out it is a terrible thing, it comes with excruciating pain and anguish for everyone from the cheater, the wife, the kids, the inlaws, parents, siblings, and good friends. If not found out if the cheater has no remorse and can live with that in their mind with all the guilt then I don't think very highly of a person that could do that. Point here is a cheater even not found out suffers to a great degree. Sure it was exciting at first, but there is a TON of baggage that comes with an affair found out or not. It entails lying, deceit, sneaking around, betrayal beyond belief. No one wins. My husband told me it wasn't worth it and would not do it again. I know or feel I know as I'm writing this exactly what you would say back to me. I do realize my part in this and that I am half of this problem I've accepted that from the start. Also, we always had sex at least every two weeks sometimes more. He needed more i get this. I'm just saying he didn't have it as bad as some of the refused on this site and by the way I have true empathy and sympathy for many on this site and say prayers regularly for posters. I am serious and sincere about what I say and why I'm on this site.

KT2012. My husband and I were honest and open with one another too. I had so much trust and faith in this man and it was truly shattered. It's hard to find trust again on both ends his and mine. Meaning he's thinking is she gonna keep this up has she really changed and I have issues trusting him on things I would never even question before. It sure screws up a relationship and makes a big, huge mess. I just want to say to anyone just thinking about having an affair and thinking oh I wont do that to be on guard. Watch for the snakes.

You say she can't want more than she does. Honestly it is possible. I want more now and After getting help with a low testosterone level and a change of perception or attitude and admitting I needed to change. I truly do have desire. Actual feelings in the lady parts that I did not have for a long time didn't even really remember how desire and arousal, immediate arousal, felt. This is the truth I'm not kidding. So if the refusing spouse can understand how devastating and soul crushing this is to their husband or wife and understand change MUST take place for the marriage to survive there is hope. This is not an easy fix I know this, but it can happen. The Refusing and Refused need to search their souls and take a hard look at themselves and admit their faults and flaws and what they need to do to make life better. It always two to make it work and two to screw it up.

You made the marriage intolerable by your own admission. Sooner or later he would have stepped out, lured by a snake or not. The snake is a footnote in this story. When did you stop refusing? Before or after the affair? It sounds to me like this affair saved your marriage, and that this footnote woman was an angel, not a snake. I bet she was sent by God to save your marriage. You lack trust now, but I bet had this affair not happened and nothing changed, your marriage would have devolved into a tomb that held two dead souls. Now it is alive again, wounded but healing.

How is this a bad outcome?

I totally admit my part in this like I said. It would not have happened sooner or later by him seducing a woman I know this in my heart. No, it did not take the affair to make me change. I did not know there was another woman for 3 months and I changed just by him showing his frustration with me. This had happened before in the past and it scared me I went to doctor and got Wellbutrin Xl it helped my attitude which helped a tiny bit with sex, just by feeling better. Doc did not help me once again like I needed him too.

The snake is definitely not a foot note to this story by any stretch of the imagination and she sure as hell ain't no flippin angel. Now that's something to laugh about. OMG! I'm sorry I can't help myself, but are you crazy or what saying God sent her to save my marriage. God does not condone or approve of extramarital affairs, or that's what my Bible says anyway. God is for the family. God wants you to work it out in good and bad times whatever the costs. My husband made a terrible, irrational decision and she was looking for a fling they made that decision all on their own God didn't lead them to one another. God gave many, many signs and red flags for my husband not to do this, to run as fast as he could and get the heck out of Dodge and he paid no attention to him.

Do I think the affair has effected me and our family? You betcha! There have been positive things to come out of this terrible affair. Such as making many people aware of how they treat their spouse and knowing if this can happen to them then it could happen to us so they are more aware of taking each other for granted. It also is proving to my girls and others how you can forgive which is a good. Do I have more perspective going through this whole ordeal than if I hadn't and have I learned from my mistakes? Yes. I don't agree this saved my marriage at all. Everything else in our marriage was great. If he had not been seduced by this woman and I did make changes like I did, we would have been the happiest couple ever! He would have loved it and been so in love with me, not just love me, but IN love with me. Was I neglecting my husbands needs and should I have made a Better effort way long before this? Yep sure should have. Do I have many deep regrets? Yes I do. Just think of the guilt I deal with in knowing I pushed him into her arms by making him so vulnerable. It is terrible, devastating pain.

There is never a good outcome from an affair. Even if the cheaters marry and beats the statistic their lives will forever be entangled with the ex and the kids and it will not be an easy road. How would they trust one another at all? Especially like if my husband was with this woman she cheated multiple times and he knows this. He knows she lied to her husband all the time couldnt be honest with him so why would she tell my husband the truth if she can't even tell her own husband the truth. You think he's going to trust her or keep one eye open? My daughters hate this woman and would never and Im serious they would never be around her so that would make my husband more miserable than he's ever been. Not to mention the fact that his family hates her with a passion. She would never be welcome and my mother in law said this. They've known me since I was 12 yrs old and they love me and my girls. I truly believe God wants us to stay together as a family to heal and to move on to a better life. I feel our marriage was meant to be and that we were put here on this earth for one another by God. That's how strongly I feel about our relationship. God did not want that married woman and my married man to be together to heal or help our marriage in any shape, form or fashion. How's the cheaters lives going to be together especially when they have to actually deal with all of this, actually find out what the other person is really like, have to deal with real life, and not a fantasy land they were in?

Seems you and me are on different sides of the fence. The way you speak I feel you too have been involved in an affair, that's just my guess. Sincerely, Forgive me if im wrong. So we will not have the same opinions at all. Like I said earlier we can agree to disagree.

I would submit that everything else was not good in your marriage. It never is. Sexless marriages all have underlying chronic dysfunctions. I'm glad you're happy now but take heed, religion is the most fertile seedbed in which to grow the seeds of denial. Look with stern sobriety at all facets of your relationship, not just your sex life, because if the underlying problems are still there, your husband will find another angel. Or maybe you will. I prophesy.

controlling what I do, or don't do is the easy part. I cant stop the hunger though.
I don't cheat on her, I can't imagine it would ever actually help. The thought does come along now and again.

What sex life we have has plenty of spice.
The problem is that for various reasons, all of which I understand and respect, a few times a year is enough for her but it falls a long way short for me.