The Greener Grass

I think about having an affair from time to time.

Not because I want any woman other than my wife.
Not because I need the excitement

I guess I think about it because it represents the greener grass on the other side of the fence. It represents the things that are missing in our relationship.
The intimacy that I need that my wife just can't provide.
It doesn't mean I love her any less.

I don't believe it would help, it's just a thought. A desperate daydream when I feel things will never change. When I can no longer pretend that everything is ok and the missing parts of our relationship don't matter.
KnightTime2012 KnightTime2012
41-45, M
2 Responses Nov 14, 2012

KT2012. I just wanted to tell you about a story I have on here about "I been through it, you don't want to do it" you can see my story on RRRW. I do understand the thoughts of a sexual
Relationship with someone else because I realize how devastating this can be on the refused. From what I read I don't really qualify as SM, but my husbands desires were not fulfilled like I could have and should have therefore I consider myself a refuser. My husband is a good, moral, ethical, common sense man and he made a terrible decision and had an affair. My story tells how terrible it is to go through an affair. My husband was like you thinking about having an affair or fantasizing about one, but never thought he actually would. I think he still has a hard time believing he actually did this. I know I do. My point is you are vulnerable I'm sure to female attention as I made my husband vulnerable. He had a woman at work flirting and working on him for a couple of years trying to start something with him. You have to watch for the snake in the grass, because this woman knew he was married and knew exactly what she was doing way before he realized what was going on. What I would suggest is to really open up and communicate as honestly as you possibly can about how serious this is. You say you still love her, if she still loves you she needs to wake up before the worst, most devastating thing that could possibly happen happens. Nothing but serious illness or accident of my daughters would ever come close to the hurt and pain we have endured. If you get the chance check out the story. It is interesting how not many have read that story as it is on the I'm thinking about having an affair. They don't want to realize what all an affair entails I think, and doesnt want to hear all the bad stuff. I wish you the best I hope your wife will see, I mean really see and hear you. God Bless You.

I know an affair wouldn't work. I can see all of the pain that it would eventually lead to. That's all very rational and I see that it is not what I would want.

Still, when things seem very dark, when I have been rejected so many times that I stop making advances, when I see the torment in my wifes face be she doesn't feel able to give me what I need, the thought stirs in the back of my mind. Its not a real desire for another woman, its a desperate attempt to resolve a problem that has little chance of a solution. With me its a thought and will probably be nothing more. I can see how some choose it as a solution. I'm sure there are some who have found it works.

I don't believe it would work for me. My wife and I are open and honest with each other. We talk about the problems. We both try to meet in the middle but it is a paradox. She can't want more than she does. I cant want less than I do. On both sides it is who we are.

88 Oh no, I realize he made his free choice believe me. I totally admit that and in no way am I in denial of that. Its a hard true fact and from day one I never thought he was blameless for sure. He's is more quilty to me than her even if she started it or not. She was married knew he was married and pursued an affair. I do not think he knew what he was getting into initially when she knew exactly what she was doing. The woman admitted to me that she initiated this and my husband would have never initiated it. I have this text still on my phone. I knew that she didnt have to tell me. Does that say I think he's a poor helpless man who was taken advantage of, no it sure doesn't. I did not say she was an evil woman. I referred to her as a snake in the grass and that's what I think. Multiple affair woman here that is a proven known fact by many people. Any married woman or man that pursues another married person is a snake in the grass to me.

I think it's very sad that you would encourage a married person to have an affair. That tells me how you roll and I just disagree with you and we can agree to disagree. If the affair is found out it is a terrible thing, it comes with excruciating pain and anguish for everyone from the cheater, the wife, the kids, the inlaws, parents, siblings, and good friends. If not found out if the cheater has no remorse and can live with that in their mind with all the guilt then I don't think very highly of a person that could do that. Point here is a cheater even not found out suffers to a great degree. Sure it was exciting at first, but there is a TON of baggage that comes with an affair found out or not. It entails lying, deceit, sneaking around, betrayal beyond belief. No one wins. My husband told me it wasn't worth it and would not do it again. I know or feel I know as I'm writing this exactly what you would say back to me. I do realize my part in this and that I am half of this problem I've accepted that from the start. Also, we always had sex at least every two weeks sometimes more. He needed more i get this. I'm just saying he didn't have it as bad as some of the refused on this site and by the way I have true empathy and sympathy for many on this site and say prayers regularly for posters. I am serious and sincere about what I say and why I'm on this site.

KT2012. My husband and I were honest and open with one another too. I had so much trust and faith in this man and it was truly shattered. It's hard to find trust again on both ends his and mine. Meaning he's thinking is she gonna keep this up has she really changed and I have issues trusting him on things I would never even question before. It sure screws up a relationship and makes a big, huge mess. I just want to say to anyone just thinking about having an affair and thinking oh I wont do that to be on guard. Watch for the snakes.

You say she can't want more than she does. Honestly it is possible. I want more now and After getting help with a low testosterone level and a change of perception or attitude and admitting I needed to change. I truly do have desire. Actual feelings in the lady parts that I did not have for a long time didn't even really remember how desire and arousal, immediate arousal, felt. This is the truth I'm not kidding. So if the refusing spouse can understand how devastating and soul crushing this is to their husband or wife and understand change MUST take place for the marriage to survive there is hope. This is not an easy fix I know this, but it can happen. The Refusing and Refused need to search their souls and take a hard look at themselves and admit their faults and flaws and what they need to do to make life better. It always two to make it work and two to screw it up.

I totally admit my part in this like I said. It would not have happened sooner or later by him seducing a woman I know this in my heart. No, it did not take the affair to make me change. I did not know there was another woman for 3 months and I changed just by him showing his frustration with me. This had happened before in the past and it scared me I went to doctor and got Wellbutrin Xl it helped my attitude which helped a tiny bit with sex, just by feeling better. Doc did not help me once again like I needed him too.

The snake is definitely not a foot note to this story by any stretch of the imagination and she sure as hell ain't no flippin angel. Now that's something to laugh about. OMG! I'm sorry I can't help myself, but are you crazy or what saying God sent her to save my marriage. God does not condone or approve of extramarital affairs, or that's what my Bible says anyway. God is for the family. God wants you to work it out in good and bad times whatever the costs. My husband made a terrible, irrational decision and she was looking for a fling they made that decision all on their own God didn't lead them to one another. God gave many, many signs and red flags for my husband not to do this, to run as fast as he could and get the heck out of Dodge and he paid no attention to him.

Do I think the affair has effected me and our family? You betcha! There have been positive things to come out of this terrible affair. Such as making many people aware of how they treat their spouse and knowing if this can happen to them then it could happen to us so they are more aware of taking each other for granted. It also is proving to my girls and others how you can forgive which is a good. Do I have more perspective going through this whole ordeal than if I hadn't and have I learned from my mistakes? Yes. I don't agree this saved my marriage at all. Everything else in our marriage was great. If he had not been seduced by this woman and I did make changes like I did, we would have been the happiest couple ever! He would have loved it and been so in love with me, not just love me, but IN love with me. Was I neglecting my husbands needs and should I have made a Better effort way long before this? Yep sure should have. Do I have many deep regrets? Yes I do. Just think of the guilt I deal with in knowing I pushed him into her arms by making him so vulnerable. It is terrible, devastating pain.

There is never a good outcome from an affair. Even if the cheaters marry and beats the statistic their lives will forever be entangled with the ex and the kids and it will not be an easy road. How would they trust one another at all? Especially like if my husband was with this woman she cheated multiple times and he knows this. He knows she lied to her husband all the time couldnt be honest with him so why would she tell my husband the truth if she can't even tell her own husband the truth. You think he's going to trust her or keep one eye open? My daughters hate this woman and would never and Im serious they would never be around her so that would make my husband more miserable than he's ever been. Not to mention the fact that his family hates her with a passion. She would never be welcome and my mother in law said this. They've known me since I was 12 yrs old and they love me and my girls. I truly believe God wants us to stay together as a family to heal and to move on to a better life. I feel our marriage was meant to be and that we were put here on this earth for one another by God. That's how strongly I feel about our relationship. God did not want that married woman and my married man to be together to heal or help our marriage in any shape, form or fashion. How's the cheaters lives going to be together especially when they have to actually deal with all of this, actually find out what the other person is really like, have to deal with real life, and not a fantasy land they were in?

Seems you and me are on different sides of the fence. The way you speak I feel you too have been involved in an affair, that's just my guess. Sincerely, Forgive me if im wrong. So we will not have the same opinions at all. Like I said earlier we can agree to disagree.

1 More Response

Spice up your sex life! ; )

What sex life we have has plenty of spice.
The problem is that for various reasons, all of which I understand and respect, a few times a year is enough for her but it falls a long way short for me.