Where Am I Going With This?

How did I get here and where am I going?

I feel that I am sliding into an affair that I wasn't looking for. I am married, have been for many years, children left home, just my wife and I at home now. Since getting married, there haven't been any other women, although there was one before I was married.

Several months ago a new woman arrived at work. I'll call her Amanda, although that is not her real name. I noticed her immediately when she first arrived - not because she was good-looking, but quite the opposite. She would stand out in a crowd, you'd notice her in a group of hundreds, but not for looking good. In fact, when I first saw her I thought "what a hideously ugly woman". I won't describe her, but one of my colleagues described her as "dog-ugly", and I couldn't disagree. But then one day she spoke to me, I can't remember what about, but we ended up having a short chat about things.

"I see you have a new friend!" another of my colleagues said after our chat, smirking at me. Basically, he just wanted to make fun of me for chatting with so ugly a woman. I didn't reply; to me the remark seemed a little cruel. After all, she seemed pleasant enough even if she wasn't attractive.

After our chat, we often spoke to each other. We don't actually work with each other, we just work in the same office on different projects. Mostly it was just to say "hi" to each other when we passed in the corridor, things like that. I continued to get people poking fun at me for this, but I wasn't going to become unfriendly with her just because my co-workers were having a bit of fun at my expense. I've done enough bad stuff in my life to not to want to be nasty to someone just because of what others think or say.

After a couple of months I started to think of her as a friend. We started talking for longer, I don't mean like long and deep conversations but just a few minutes while getting a coffee, that sort of thing. I came to quite like her. I found she had an interesting personality and, shall we say, an unusual outlook on life. I've always liked women that are a bit different and never liked the bland uniformity and brainlessness that I see amongst so many younger and superficially-attractive young women that we get these days. Perhaps I'm getting old! But, I didn't consider her attractive, never really felt like flirting with her.

I expected things to stay like this. A friend, female, unattractive but nice. Somebody to talk to sometimes at work.

With hindsight, I can now pinpoint the exact moment when things changed and it was quite unexpected. For a short while, about two weeks, I had to work with Amanda on one project. At one time in this period we had to attend a meeting together, and naturally she sat next to me. At the end of the meeting, as people left, we had one point that we needed to discuss, so the two of us remained seated. We discussed what we needed, it was only a matter of a minute or two. As we concluded our discussion, we each turned to face each other. I looked into her eyes as she looked into mine and suddenly I was almost overwhelmed by a desire to kiss her. I don't know why, or what triggered this, but I actually started to move in for the kiss before I was able to stop myself. "This is madness!" I told myself. I moved away again but I still couldn't tear my gaze away from hers. We just sat like that for a few moments, before we each looked away and gathered up our notes from the meeting. It was this moment that changed my feelings for Amanda.

Since then we've gotten closer, talking more and talking more intimately, about things more personal than before. We talk about us, not just about other stuff like the weather, people at work and impersonal things. I start to learn about her background, a bit about her childhood and about her life now. I start to understand her personality and why she is like she is. She is a complicated and interesting person. I feel us getting closer, emotionally. I realise that this is dangerous; I’m a married man, and this lady is single and divorced, as I found out early on in our conversations. I don’t see her as ugly anymore, to me she is attractive, indeed, beautiful. I try to look at her objectively, but I have lost my ability to do so.

We have gone out a few times for lunch. Nothing much, no romantic dates or anything like that. But it’s nice to have some female company occasionally, and I find her closeness pleasant, I feel relaxed and comfortable when I am with her. If I am stressed, just being near her relaxes me.

I find that I start contemplating an affair with her. I wonder what it will be like. Will I feel guilty? Shouldn’t I try to work harder on my difficult relationship with my wife instead? Will it ultimately end in tears, my wife devastated by the affair, me losing both my wife and my friend and Amanda possibly upset too? I’d rather not start the affair and maintain just a friendship with Amanda instead.

I resolve to work harder on my marriage. It is perhaps because of the difficulties there that I am feeling so attracted to another woman. It is not that we have marital “problems”, it is just that somehow there seems to be an unbridgeable communication gap. I don’t know how to talk to my wife anymore. I do love her, and sometimes when I sit at home and look at my wife I feel almost overcome with love for her. But I don’t know how to show it, how to act on it. Sometimes we have a nice moment, where we talk about something and joke and laugh together. These moments are rare, though, and when a moment like that does arrive something seems to spoil it almost before it has started and all the things I want to say remain unsaid. I feel a bit unwanted at home. This is silly, because I know she does want me at home, I don’t know why I feel like that. We don’t make love very often any more. That’s OK, I can cope with that, but I miss the intimacy. I’d be happy with a cuddle at night, at least I’d feel wanted, and feel closer to my wife, but this never happens anymore.

My conversations with Amanda get a bit more intimate. I avoid discussing my wife or domestic life with her as I despise those men that criticise their wives outside the home. I resolve to stick to this, to never criticise my wife to her. No matter what, I will never tell her I will leave my wife for her. Because I won’t. But still, we get a bit naughtier. Sex is mentioned, first by her, and she is embarrassed by herself the first time. But now it gets mentioned more. There is more physical contact. Nothing inappropriate, just a touch on the arm, things like that. Each tiny touch is electrifying for me. Every day when I come to work I look forward to seeing her. When one or other of us is away I miss her.I know I want sex with her, but not just for the sex itself. I want the connection, the closeness and intimacy of it. I want to feel closer to her. Am I falling in love with her? This would be much worse, in my opinion, than just having sex with someone. Many people have affairs, and often just for the sex, and that always seems less of a betrayal than forming a close emotional relationship without having the sex.

We haven’t “done” anything. But I feel we are heading that way. Part of me tells me to stop now, to put the brakes on, to keep it as a nice and pleasant friendship and work on things with my wife instead. But there’s another part of me that wants me to close my eyes and carry on, to take things to their logical conclusion. And I know which part of me is winning at the moment. I curse my weakness.
Wally101 Wally101
41-45, M
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

Im not bragging or anything, but Ive had the same situation before as well. Im an attractive woman and get hit on by just about every male coworker I come in contact with. I ignore them all, but we did get a new guy in which I will call Anthony and that is his real name. LOL! who wasnt too easy on the eyes, but nice. I had to show him around and get him started. At the same time this was going on I was having marriage problems at home with an abusive husband. He was nice and our conversations were great. I looked forward to going to work every day. I even caught myself wondering what he would like to see me wear. His favorite color was sky blue and id even went shopping for new clothes and most of my waredrobe ended up being most blue blouses. Anyways...to make a long story short. I did fall in love with him. I ended up divorcing my abusive husband and am now married to Anthony. We have been married for 2 1/2 years with our 1st son having been born Aug. 31st of this year. All Im saying is...you never know what may happen. If you love your wife now then own up to her about whats going on or atleast communicate, because a relationship without communication will end up in ashes! Therapist dont lie when they say the key to a relationship is communication. I think you know how you truly feel and if you dont work things out with your wifey soon then it will lead to divorce or you may have an affair with "Amanda" or both may happen. Either way I wish you the best of luck, sweetheart! :)

Thankyou for your lovely thoughtful comment. I am happy that things worked out well with you and I'm happy that you have a new son.

I don't know what will happen with me. I'm going to do my best to work on things with my wife. It's true what you say about communication, but it can somehow be so difficult to communicate effectively. I don't say much about anything at home because it quickly leads to a destructive row, blame and childish behaviour. I would like to be able to say that that is my wife's fault, but I am at least mature enough to recognise that I am as much or more to blame than she is for this sort of thing.

I notice from your picture that you are a black woman. My wife is African. Although I am white (English) I have never had a white girlfriend, all my serious relationships have been with black women. What has surprised me was how I became so attractive, not just to an ugly woman, but a white one. I say ugly, but I no longer think of her as ugly, because she's lovely.

It has not yet turned into an affair. We've never even kissed, let alone had sex or anything. Yet it feels more like cheating than if I'd had a meaningless one-night-stand sex with a woman.

I don't want a divorce, I don't want an affair, I just want to have a good close relationship with my wife like things were so many years ago. I just don't know how to get there, and if I can't, I know I will end up forming a close relationship, either sexual or non-sexual, with this other woman.

Thankyou again for your comment!

D.

You are more than welcome. Although I must inform you that I am & im not a african woman. See, I am mixed with 3 different races. My father was african & native american mixed & my mother was a french woman. So, Im african american, native american & french mixed.

Anyways, alot of people think that they have to be sexual in order to cheat, but in reality it can be alot of things. Im not pointing fingers, but an emotional relationship can be even more dangerious than a sexual one. Already your connecting with another and using excuses for why your marriage communicatin isnt working.

Here is what needs to happen. You need to just come out and say how you feel and let her know that you understand how she is feeling. Yes, it may lead to some very immature acts/responses, but we are all adults here and need to act like it. Everyday you spend not communicating or trying to end this madness....is making it worse! A person that stinks can put on every purfume, body spray or cologne on that they wont, but it will make the smell worse until they clean properly. Do you get what im saying?

Do this as if your life depends on it.....actually it does, dont it? If you truly love your wife...no matter ow much she may get mad or act immature you will stand with her and work this out. Nothing is more worse then the both of you not communicating. Its a living hell!

I really wish you the very best of luck in this situation, but please take my advice. If not...im afraid its a long walk of destruction for all 3 of you.

Keep me posted & feel free to inbox me too if you want to share some things that you dont want others to read/know. Take care...

Wow you have an interesting racial mix!
You are quite right of course. I know what I "ought" to do, it's just that it's not easy. But, I learnt yesterday that this woman at work, her contract comes to an end quite soon and I know that it won't be renewed. So she will be going away. She lives about an hour away from here so it won't be easy seeing her regularly while I am with my wife. I was rather upset to find out she won't be around here much longer, but perhaps it will be for the best.
I know you are right - an emotional involvement is much more damaging to a marriage than a sexual one.
I will keep you updated on how it goes. Thanks for the offer of "inboxing" you - it's appreciated. The great thing here is being able to talk anonymously; I can share things I couldn't ever discuss with anyone I actually know.

Yeah, alot of people say the same thing when they find out my racial mix. Beyonce is mixed with the same background, but sadly no relation. LOL!

Now, I must address your comment: "I know what I "ought" to do, it's just that it's not easy." You know; if we all waited till something was "easy" well we wouldnt do much of anything, now would we?

I know it makes you sad, but maybe by her contract not being renewed and her leaving may actually be a blessing for the both of you. Maybe you should stop seeing her after this? Thats hard for me to say since Ive been in this situation and am now married to that other person I connected with. In my case I was dealing with an abusive spouse. Much different, but I still understand how you feel.

Yes, on Ep you can be discreet and it is a good way to communicate with others who are going through the same situation or can give advice or be an inspiration to someone else. I hope I am inspiring you for the better.

Also, I added you to my circle. Im not sure if you noticed. Id love for you to read some of my stories....maybe that will give you an idea or enlighten you on my background a little. keep me posted on how things go. I really hope you and your wife can work things out. Take care, sweetie....

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