I Always Cried Driving Home

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool
- Eagles, Lying Eyes

I stated at the beginning of this book that some who read it will judge those whose stories I am telling. It’s easy to judge other people, to think someone is less righteous than yourself, having no knowledge of their circumstances, temptations, motivations or sufferings. It’s a lot tougher to judge yourself, to stand in the mirror and account for one’s doings. That is what Anne does though, she is her own judge and jury, and she continues to condemn her past deeds that she now wishes she could negate.
Anne is thirty-two and has been married for thirteen years. She and her husband don’t have any children but that’s a whole nother story, she says. They both have good careers, a nice home and a vacation home on top of that. “We have all the material things we could want, really,” she says. “We have a lot of nice things and we have had a pretty good life together.”
Anne goes on, “We both work, but he puts in much longer hours than I do, and sometimes that's a problem for us. Well, for me, anyway. I hate eating dinner alone after going to the trouble of preparing a great meal. I know he works hard to provide for us and keep us in this lifestyle we’ve grown accustomed to, but I work also.”
Anne and her husband met one summer just after high school while working summer jobs at a hotel. They dated and fell madly in love with each other. They loved, they talked, and most importantly, they dreamed. “We dreamed big,” Anne says with a smile. They made a plan for their life and mapped out how to get there. The wind was at their backs and their ship made its way, gliding effortless across the water. It was a great time for them. It’s always fun to dream and set sail to the lands beyond the horizon.
But that was the spring and early summer of their relationship. Soon, the dog days of August arrived and life moved more slowly. As I like to say, reality came to roost. Then came the changing winds of autumn. “I don’t know why or how, or even when it happened exactly,” says Anne, “but our relationship began changing, and it’s never been the same. To the rest of the world we are a very happy couple, 'perfect' in almost every way. We even manage to convince ourselves that things are great most of the time.”
In those days of spring, Anne said that she knew what her husband was thinking before he even said a word. Now, she has no idea what he thinks. Anne says she misses the little things, those seemingly trivial tokens of love that we laugh about when other people receive them, but treasure every single one when we get them from that special someone. She yearns for the days of silly notes, text messages, romantic dinners, surprise flowers and cuddling on the couch. Most of all, she misses the intense connection she once shared with him and the passionate love making that ensued as a result of their craving for one another.
“We used to do all of that and more,” states Anne. “Most of these kinds of things have stopped. Instead of cuddling on the sofa we sit in separate chairs, instead of holding each other in bed there is a body pillow between us. Instead of talking about our future together, we talk about work and careers.” As I am listening to her, I can’t help but feel sadness. The child in me, like all children, wants so badly to believe in Barbie and Ken. Maybe Barbie and Ken are only toys though, never flesh.
Anne said she tried to spice things up and keep the spark alive but she just got tired of trying after a while. “I was the only one making the effort,” said Anne. “We still have sex, of course, but it’s very predictable and seems almost like a task that must be completed rather than looking at it as a truly enjoyable experience like it once was for us. I know this happens to couples, I guess I just thought it would happen much later in life. I’m too young to feel this way.”
Anne begins apologizing for rambling. She says in an affirmative tone that she isn’t the kind of person to cheat or hide things from her husband. She says that living with the guilt has proved unbearable. She keeps it all tucked away, wrapped up in a secluded corner inside her, knowing that she can never share it with anyone or it would destroy her life and marriage.
“I've probably shared enough, and while everything I've said is true, I'm not trying to excuse my behavior,” she says ruefully. “I have betrayed my best friend in life and I will never forgive myself. I do hope to reach a point where I don't think of myself everyday as a bad person for what I've done. I pray a lot and ask for God's forgiveness although I don't deserve it.”
I will let Anne take it from here.
“I met him four years ago and I will call him Matt. Our meeting was purely by accident, literally. We were both backing out of our parking spaces at the same time and slammed into each other. Both vehicles experienced only minor damage, so we decide to exchange information. He told me that his son-in-law owned a body shop and could probably fix both our cars really cheap if I wanted to avoid going through the insurance company. I told him I would consider his offer and we went our separate ways.
“There’s no denying the instant attraction we both felt. I swear I felt my hairs standing on edge as there was so much electricity in the air. I can’t explain it. It was nothing like I had ever felt before, not to that degree anyway. I felt the butterflies that afternoon. And as they fluttered in the pit of my stomach, a warm tingling sensation began emerging from there, flowing through my body, rejuvenating parts of me that I thought would be forever desolate. I began driving around aimlessly, wondering if he felt the same electricity.
“A couple days passed and I finally heard from him. He said he wanted to follow up and see if I decided to accept his offer or not. I hadn't done anything with the car yet. He said his son-in-law’s name was Luke and he gave me the number of his shop. I agreed to meet him there
“He was there when I arrived and I felt those same sensations again. I parked next to him, took a deep breath and worked up the courage to step out of the car and talk with him. He introduced me to Luke who looked over my damage and gave me a number that sounded awfully good to me. He said he could start right then. It was at that point that Matt offered to buy me a cup of coffee across the street while Luke went to work.
“That was yet another juncture where I should have said no. You say to yourself that you aren’t doing anything wrong, but each step gives momentum to take the next baby step. We drank coffee and had the usual small talk that’s typical of those types of places. I felt comfortable around him. We spent an hour or two there. As we walked back to the shop, he turned to me and said, ‘I hope you don’t think it’s strange of me to say this, but your husband sure is lucky.’

“I was startled by his comment because it seemed to come out of nowhere. I thanked him, and I even giggled a little bit, something I hadn’t done in years in front of a man. I thought my heart was going to beat out of its chest.

“I got back to my car and found it laying in pieces and was told that Luke had to order a part that wouldn’t be in until the next day so I’d have to leave my car overnight. Looking back I should have called a taxi or something, but when Matt offered to give me a lift home, I readily accepted.

“As we were driving he told me that he was serious about his statement earlier. As we passed each city block during our drive, I could feel the conflict building inside of me. Sensing the sexual tension start to build, he placed his hand on my leg. That was more than innocent flirting. I knew that, but I couldn’t move his hand away. I was so attracted to him and was so deliciously turned on by what he was doing that I wanted to climb on top of him right then and there.

“His hand glided over my leg lightly so that I could just barely feel him over my dress. His hand then made its way slowly up my inner thigh and he began to tell me how attractive he found me. I felt so desired at that moment. I had forgotten what it felt like long ago. He told me he wanted to make love to me. Like Luke’s estimate, I accepted his offer without saying a word. My eyes gave him the confirmation he needed. He pulled into the first hotel we came to and checked us in as husband and wife. We didn’t make love like a husband and wife though. Our animal like attraction for one another drove us both into a passionate frenzy. Our love making was steamy and hot, the kind you read about but rarely experience.

“I completely lost myself in the moment and admittedly had the most intense ******* of my life. We continued to meet weekly for a while and each time was amazing, but each time I would cry while driving back home.

“I knew I was doing something wrong, and so I broke it off. Unfortunately you can never undo what's been done. The sex was amazing with Matt, but he is not my husband and could never be. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, no matter what happens. I will have to live with the choices I've made forever haunting me.”

This story is one of many stories from the book, "The Tangled Web We Weave" that is available on Amazon
ryanbradley ryanbradley
46-50, M
Dec 4, 2012