I Think I Might

I have been dealing with a trouble marriage for so long , I don't know how strong I can stay. Honestly, I have had a couple of flings throughout our marriage, as has he. We don't seem to get along anymore as a couple. Most of the time, we can't stand the sight of each other.
The thing is, I purposely looked up an old friend today. I had a dream about him last night and it was the first thing I did when I opened my eyes. Having texted him all day, I am seriously considering it. He's telling me all the sweet things, the ones I have not heard here since we were dating. I don't know if it's worth it, but my husband is for sure not making me happy.
I have tried to stay faithful even though he openly had an affair after our marriage counseling and decision we would work on the marriage. I have not. He brings his mistress to our home still as a "friend of the family" only. I have never done that. I see his many mistakes, and don't want to do anything just for revenge, but a part of me thinks it would be worth it.
Honestly, I have lost faith in marriage. Having a couple of failed marriages prior to this, and going through it yet again, you would think I had it figured out long ago. We weren't meant to be with just one person our whole lives. If we were, then the need to look and the thoughts that come with looking would disappear as soon as we said I do. Things would not be this hard. I wouldn't have to work my butt off to make him happy, take care of the house, family, kids, go to school and work, and still find the 5 minutes for a shower every day, my ONLY alone time. I wouldn't feel this resentment for having married him. Marriage would not be this much work if it were meant forever. Dating, it's not work. It's fun. It's freedom, and of course, when things get bad, you can always leave.
Maybe some are not like that, but for me, this is how things go. I get bored and things seem to be too confining. I pull away. I want to be with this new guy, but the reality is, 6 months from now, I may not want him anymore. I want an open marriage (as it would obviously do us both some good), yet he would rather keep pretending I don't know about him and his affairs. I openly admitted what I had done, and he forgave me (I said it to make him leave). I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he said we can work through it. I tell him I am leaving after weeks of him telling me things had to change, and me agreeing, he begs me to stay. I don't know what else to do, and I am starting to think I am the one that has the problems.
POMomma POMomma
26-30, F
3 Responses Dec 15, 2012

oh my god, after i read that he brings his lover to you home I stopped reading, girl you need to get a divorce, life is too short for unhappiness and that crap, sorry but you deserve some respect and love to say the least. good luck! Now that i took that out of my chest i will continue to read.

you no what would solve all your problems. poop in his butt its great it real rekindles the sparks

I believe you have a problem, its called a Karma, to repeat the problem over and over again. Once you stop marrying maybe your Karma will end. You will be happier to find someone that is willing to just hang with you for a long as you want. What he does not know is that you will bail on him after a few months. I suggest you hang with him and have fun only.