Three years. I have not been allowed to make love to my wife for three years. It is related to medication she takes which eliminates her body's estrogen production. Knowing that,I have tried to be understanding. We get along fine, married over 30 years. I keep myself in good health and looks (sounds vain, sorry) in order to not add to the lack of libido. I don't pressure her, I hug her, hold her hand - everything that all the intimacy counselors say to do in order to encourage closeness. Nothing. Not only will she not allow me to touch her, she cannot bear to touch me sexually, (maybe once or twice a year). I have never committed adultery. I do not want to. It is a sin against God and my wife, even if she refuses me in every way. I am cursed with being in love and desiring a woman who wants nothing to do with me physically. I talked her into bioindentical hormones (non-estrogenic), but they haven't helped. I think the most difficult part is I know she loves me, yet how can someone allow the person they love to live in such frustration when just a few minutes of physical comfort would get them through. Is it that repulsive? I am getting less able to cope. It effects me emotionally, mentally, and physically.
jezd jezd
51-55, M
6 Responses Dec 30, 2012

I'm in the same situation , I have tried everything over the last 5yrs & one day she said go and have an affair . I haven't yet but it is gut renching to love someone who rubs your back holds hands then walks away at night or if you touch them sexually get abused & then wonder you get depressed.

I just re-read the book of Ephesians. I have concluded that my wife's sexually inability does not negate my obligation to be supportive of her problems. If she is willing to continue to work with me on bringing her back to a level of normalcy in her desires, than I will be patient and do just that. My love for her is still there, just as Christ's love for the church is still there. As long as she still loves me and is willing to try, I will be faithful. That is God's will, and therefore my desire. And, she's worth it.

I do agree that a woman can satisfy her husband in other ways, I myself speaking do so as a result of no libido. I was merely making a different suggestion. Do I think there are wives that manipulate and use sex or the lack there of a punishment or hold it over their husbands head. I don't belive this is one of those situations. And I do believe that speaking to someone about it does help in some situations however; when put on the spot and pushed into a corner about her lack of emotion or sensuality towards her husband I believe she will retreat and it will make things even worse. I believe that you have respected and been patient with your wife I also think younger right about the fact that she puts little to no regard to your needs at this point because as you said yourself she knows you won't leave which tells me you are being taken advantage of. Women only push as far as they can to see how far it takes fornyounto break, and by God when you do it will still be your fault. I am one of biggest supporters for men you will meet. All the above I mentioned was from a woman's point of view that honestly loves and 'respects her husbands needs and desires. This statement is however from a woman that has played the game and lived in a miserable marriage prior. If you panther to wake up and realize this is no joke then you are going to have to be drastic, not sit back and wait so many more years for her to come around. If talking to her and expressing you feelings, wants, desires and needs gets you know where then hun she may love you yes but she is living day to day miserable with herself and her marriage. It's up to you to fix it. I'm not saying leave her but maybe a separation will shake her into reality, that she has a good thing but you deserve way more. Sexless marriages are not marriages that will last, and sex does not always mean intercourse as was mentioned before. Sex connects couples on a whole different level, a deeper level. Again food for thought....

I feel for you, I am in your wife's shoes, I have an incredible husband, who is caring, patient and misses the intimacy between us. Although it has not been nearly that long for us I wanted to share a woman's point of view. I want to say also I do not condone her alienating you but she may not see it as such. I too have hormone issues that have put a huge strain on my libido. Woman tend to voice their emotions while Sanyo know mean feel more emotionally connected through sex. I believe that if your wife cares about you as I am sure she does then you need to sweep her off her feet, expect nothing in return initially. Of course this is going to be horribly difficult and require you to be selfless temporarily but in the ling run should reconnect you. Go above and beyond what you normally do, do something around the house for her, something that is usually her chore, leadoff the dinner table, load the dish washer or do the dishes, something you think is ridiculous she will take notice. Continue to expect nothing just off the bat, now I will tell you she may become a bit suspicious so you need to be an open book. You have nothing to lose at this point, now when you have her in a relaxed state try talking to her, expressing you true feelings, how much you love her and miss your intimacy, ask her if she would willing to let you pamper her, I'm saying ask her first so itdoesnt comeoff as you just wanting sex....which you do but.....as a woman if she thinks you have an ulterior motive your screwed. So ask her if you can lotion her feet, scratch her back, something where you can touch her but not initiate sex. Keep this up, as hard as it may sound and as sexset as this may sound woman need to been shown they are wanted and appreciated, I don't doubt for a second you don't appreciate her because you would have already cheated. But by making her day a little easier and showing her that you genuinely care she will be much more inclined to give you what you want......just a woman perspective take it as you wish.

I do appreciate your response. Although, I have already, and continue to do, most of what you mentioned. There is simply a disconnect between her emotional love and her ability to physically express it. There are a lot of physical issues such as fatigue due to health problems that complicate matters, which is one reason I would never leave. I suppose when she's done with meds, her libido might return. Still, that's two years away. A very faint light at the end of a long tunnel.

Sorry, but all the above is just a waste of time... Read Sexless Marriage group stories... Men do all the above for decades and decades live in sexless marriage... If the woman loves her husband, even with total lack of libido she could give him a lot of pleasure and relief being unselfish giving wife... To perform a BJ and HJ woman does not need a libido but love and wish to please beloved husband... Selfish woman will just refuse and use good excuse of not having libido!

I am with FullMoon on this one. There are things, as mentioned above, that she can do. I am not sure what your religious affiliation is but, my pastor, spoke of sexual fulfillment as an important part of marriage. Personally, I don't know how obligatory sex could be good but, you spoke of your marriage, love, obligation and commitment in this vein. Have you asked your wife to speak with a therapist or pastor yet? If you haven't I think you should. Many times refusers become more honest when daylight is brought to bare on the issues. Happy New Year..

Yes, I have no problem with the above stop-gap measures. And, it occasionally happens, but the infrequency is such that...well, it is infrequent. And, it always has to be solicited, which brings up the emotional discomfort of obligatory sex that amithecrazyone mentioned. I do appreciate everyone's comments and counsel. As I said earlier, there's no easy solutions here, but it helps to be able to anonymously share. Thanks.

1 More Response

Just separate the platonic and intimate love... She does not love you in intimate way... Part of your human being is neglected... Look at it in this way...

Currenty married but repuled by my drug addited cancer ridden husband i understand.