I Think About Having An Affair
The next afternoon, I quickly shoved paper's in a bag and strolled to the car with the biggest grin on my face. I thought to myself, I'm acting like I'm 19 again..... Really?!?!?!?!?!?!
I didn't get a minute down the road when I heard, "This Girl is on Fire" blaring on the seat next to me..... I glance down to the phone. Yes, I have been thinking and waiting all day for this call.
I swiped my finger across the lock , and touch the answer button. My voice must have sounded like I was 17 again when I answered the phone.
He said, "Hey girl! Long time no talk!"
I responded with, "Hey! How are you?!? What have you been up to?"
We continued the casual "talk" for about 45 mins. Then Doug says...... I hate to go but I have to go. I need to pick up my kids.
He never answered my question..... AHHHHH... WHY???? A few hours later I hear my phone ding! A text from Doug.... It was good talking to you again... Your voice hasn't changed!!!! It is still sexy as hell just like you are!!!
UGGGHHH!!!! Here we go again I thought. He didn't answer my question, but yet he will send statements like that? Tomorrow he will tell me I reassure myself!
The next morning on the way to work my phone starts playing, "This Girl is on Fire!" I looked at the number and thought, yes! FINALLY!!!!! I answer, "Hey you!" and the conversation again turns to casual talk. I pull into the parking lot at work and tell him, "I'm sorry, but I have to go!" He states, "Well think of me today, baby!"
I let out a little sigh..... Then walked into work with a smile as big as Texas. But I still haven't heard that answer!!! Is he ever going to tell me the truth? Do I really want to know the truth? Do I want to hear what I think I wanted to hear from 20 years ago?
That night as I was sitting on my computer I hear the familar ding.... I look down to see his name....
He types...... Whatcha doing....
I reply with... well I just got home... what are you doing?
He answers.... Are you sure you want to ask that... lol.
I reply.... whatever, I'm not scared LOL if you're feeling froggy..... jump big boy ;).
Again we exchange in a casual conversation.... 45 mins go by and he still hasn't answered my question....
Before I could ask it..... his next line pops up..... I never even thought you were interested in me for a minute!
I look at the message and type... OMG... How did you not KNOW!!! There was one night we left the bar and were in the parking lot talking. I ALL but climbed into your lap in your truck TRYING to get you to want me ... to feel me.... to love me....
A few minutes passed.... He replied... Cause I'm a guy and we are dumb like that... you know it could of been life changing...... you and I!!! This sucks!!! You should have done more! I was stupid I guess!
My blood was boiling at this point!!! WHAT?!?!?!? I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE?!?!?!?!?!
I answered.... Apparently, you are a DUMB ***!!!!! Yes, it could have been life changing! Instead of 3 wives you could have had only 1 ........ ME!!!! And it was YOUR job to pursue me!
BTW... YOU STILL HAVEN"T ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!! I hit the enter button so hard I thought I broke it!
I can see him typing and I am waiting so anxiously to read his reply... Then it comes thru....
I didn't think you were into me at all! Especially, since our parents knew each other. You should have slapped me! I thought you were joking with me that night at the bar when you told me if I got that close to you again... I would be asking for trouble... You should of just grabbed me by my d*ck and then there wouldn't have been any questions! LOL... I wasn't confident back then... maybe we should reinact it...... you know see how it plays out... That night I told you that I loved you at the wedding..... I was drunk, and that's when you are most honest. Plus, if it wasn't good then it wouldn't have hurt so bad!
I stare at his words in disbelief! How could he say these things? How could he not know!!!! I did everything but jump on top of him! DAMMIT, I was only 18!!! I wouldn'thave just jump on top of him and tell him to make love to me then.... Now .... I have no problem doing it.... :D
I think very carefully about what I will respond to....
Did you not see my face when you told me that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!! All those feelings RESURFACED!!! I didn't know what the HELL to do at the point!!! I was confused... you have NO IDEA how many times I wanted to hear you say those words.... I wanted to tell you right then I felt the same way.... but HE came out looking for me and said that we needed to go home... I wanted to stay.... I wanted to finish talking to you... I wanted YOU TO JUST FLIPPIN grab me and TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!
Hot tears poured down my face... I sat motionlessly waiting for his reply... Thinking about all the emotions again... How in the HELL DIDN'T HE KNOW!!!! That's all I kept thinking!!!
Doug answers.... I never KNEW!!! Never knew... I wanted you so bad! Have you thought about me as much as I have thought about you all of these years!?!?!?!?! You were the one I thought of everytime I married someone! You were the one that always came in between my exs and I. Not physically, but mentally! I have never been able to get you out of my mind! You were the one! You are the one I can't get over! I have thought about us for the past 20 years... The past 15 years or so I have made A LOT of bad decisions... and I'm still miserable, because YOU are not in my life.... We took different paths... I just really wish that you would have told me about you wanting to be with me. Things could have been a whole lot different! Why does life have to be so f*cked up! Neither one of us are happy and yet I don't have any answers... So I have a question for you.... Where do things go from here?
How do I even started to reply to this! My emotions are running wild! I'm furious at the fact that life throws you curve balls when you least expect them!!!
So I replied with.... I still can't figure out how you didn't know!!! I told you if you got that close again you would be asking for trouble... What else was I supposed to say?!?!?! I stood in front of you basically on your lap ... I just knew we were going to jump each other at any moment! There was so much sexual tension between us it wasn't even funny! The way you would touch me as we slow danced .... We didn't care who was watching when the bumping and griding songs came on! HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW?!?!?!! We kissed during songs... We breathed in each others ears... We nuzzled our noses in each others necks.... You kissed my neck ever so gently...... UGGGGHHHH!!!! HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW!!!!Here's another question.... How come whenever we went to the bar we could go flirt with others, but we would always end up back together on the dance floor when "our songs" came on? Then we would dance & I would feel so safe and loved in your arms..... I loved it when your hands would roam and caress my body. Did you EVER FEEL ANYTHING like that while we were dancing & if you did why in the HELL didn't you tell me!!!!!
I am furious at the thought that he wanted me to tell him.... He just kept telling me I should have told him!!! Really?!??!!!! DAMMIT!!!! MEN!!!! Pffftttttttttt...........
He quickly starts to reply... Holy ****!!! When were you going to share this with me!!!! Bless America!!! Well **** me backwards! I think that you put a spell on me and I am f*ckn cursed! I settled everytime because I couldn't HAVE YOU! I wanted kids and everyone INCLUDING YOU had them. What was I supposed to do? I suck at being a husband because I want something I can't have....
Doug WHAT DO YOU WANT THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE?!?!?! .... I type back to him...
YOU DAMMIT!!! YOU!!! I'm not in love with HER!!! Or any of my exs!!! I AM and I have ALWAYS been in love with YOU!!!! What do you suggest we do about it ..... Doug stated
I sit there.... In disbelief... what do I say? That was 20 years ago! I type back.... I don't know ... It seems that every time we try there's something stopping us.... I've come to realize that I deserve to be happy as well & that's why when the girls are gone for the night I go out......
Dougs replies.... So, what I'm hearing is that, we are both miserable and there's nothing we can do? How is that being happy Belle? .... Yes, we both have great kids that are wonderful! But what about US?!!?!?! I loved you!!! But things happened! I don't have ALL the answers, but what I do know is that I STILL love you!!! And if I could go back I would! I would grab you and tell you everything I always wanted to tell you! I would tell you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you!
NOW.... What are WE going to do? Are we just going to wait, and see what happens?
Isn't that kinda what we have to do? Seeing that we are 600 miles apart? Haven't we kinda WAITED for 20 years? .... I type with anger. I know that it's going to hurt his feelings but I am hurting! Why now?!?!? WHY!!!
Oh ya... I asked.... ****! I quickly type.... Who's to say we wouldn't have divorced too if you are such a horrible husband as you claim to be.
It was like he knew what I was saying before I could even finish typing because almost as soon as I hit enter, Doug responded..... Because we are the same Belle! I believe we want the same things! We believe there is someone out there that we can love UNCONDITIONALLY besides our children! And NEITHER one of us have found that with anyone else!!! You know it and I know it!
I glance at the clock! It's 3 a.m.! No wonder I can't keep my eyes open! If I were to fall asleep right now.. I would only get 2 hours of sleep!
So I type back.... Yes, we are the same... I knew that 20 years ago! No... it wasn't until now... I believe we both knew it back then.. Just for some reason we didn't act upon it! Maybe the stars didn't line up & God just said not right now... I don't know ... I don't know if the stars will EVER line up for us! But what I do know is I have to go to bed.. I have to go to work tomorrow you know lol... Good night! Sweet Dreams! And call me tomorrow so we can finish this conversation........
I signed off so he wouldn't keep pulling me back to the conversation.... I drifted off to sleep and began dreaming of him pulling me close, kissing me passionately, and telling me he loved me........ <3
