Before You Cheat


BEFORE YOU CHEAT....let me tell you my story of my husband going on a similar group or even this group looking for a woman willing to have sex with him. He found such a woman who was willing to cheat on her husband . I can't tell you the excruciating pain and mind numbing sense of betrayal this has caused me his wife who had no idea this was occurring.  Why you may ask? My husband was always  a "righteous man" who I thought his faith in God, he would always tell me the truth. After all he was the one that told me adultery was wrong from a biblical sense.  When asked if he was doing all this.. frontal nude pictures of himself on 3 different adult websites, asking for one on one discreet sex, alternate sex methods, emailing women who posted their nude pictures  and even on groups such as this.. he denied it and accused me of using his faith in God for not requesting sex on line. He said I deserved this for not doing my part as a wife by not providing sex. What is your excuse for cheating? We all know there is NO valid reason to cheat on your spouse period. If you feel you will get away with may for awhile but it will eventually come out now or even years later. BUT the pain it will cause your spouse will still cut deep as if it happened yesterday.
 Are you willing a Divorce, loss of respect from your family for a person you met on line, your own set of ethics of what is right or wrong? For someone you really don't know at all? Someone like you who is lying to their spouse but yet you feel is telling you the truth? My husband met his "Internet ****" (her words not mine) in a hotel-first meeting in person, had unprotected sex with her,oral sex and she let him take nude pictures of her. She  had her mother lie to her husband that she was with her.  Would you be willing to take a chance on such a woman to be faithful to you and say is  your soul mate? If you are on the fence on cheating, please think...Let your spouse go if you are truly unhappy-give them the respect they deserve or a least a chance to decide for themselves if they still want to be married to you..Interesting that both my husband and his mistress will not talk to each other now and are remorseful and ashamed. Is it because it's now out in the light and not in the dark of night?  Or is because her husband has asked for a Divorce, her fear of losing her house, loss of her "love of her life and best friend-her husband", loss of respect of her children? Did you know 90% of marriages that start out like this are doomed to fail?
Let me leave you with this.. Leviticus 20:10 The man who commmits adultery with another man's wife, he who commits adultery with his neighbors wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death...If you want to read more-go to the bible...My thoughts as a wife of a adulterer...
internetsluts internetsluts
97 Responses Oct 9, 2008


You are so self focused no wonder! What did you expect when you abandoned him? Do you understand that you broke your marriage vows long before him?

I totally do not agree. No reason on earth justifies cheating. Don't even try. Wrong is wrong . period.

So what is your solution to the dilemma Peter? Do you believe she was living up to her vows? Did she violate the marital advice given in 2 Cor 7:5?
Say I decide to leave my wife. She has been dependent on me for support for over 25 years now and has some marketable skills but would really struggle to support herself. I have a good job with a decent salary and can afford to buy her a new car every few years, give her a nice house, nice clothes, vacations and few worries. She would be devastated by her sense of failure. She would have to face truths that lead to great pain for her. Is this less cruel than an affair?
Say I decide to stay and remain abstinent? This is no doubt your preferred alternative though I note you are contemplating leaving. Is it ok for her to decide about both of our sexuality? Does me feeling depressed, angry, frustrated, help her?
Absolutes are easy Peter.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

Exactly. Ranger...You're ******* retarded.

1 More Response

Again, not an excuse to cheat, but damn it, how would you like to be starving for affection and intimacy, only to get shot down again and again. I don't mean to be nasty, but you really need to read YOUR bible more thoroughly, because you are not perfect Miss Thing.

My point was, that she is talking about religion and bible and all of that, so I told her that she ought to read hers a bit more thoroughly and understand that she is wrong to refuse her husband sex. That is all.

she does insinuate that HE felt he wasn\'t getting it from her... but really that is wide open for interpretation. If she was withholding for an invalid reason, i.e. didn\'t like it, didn\'t think sex is right, didn\'t think it was right, whatever, then yea, she was in the wrong. in my mind this still doesn\'t justify cheating... he as other options like ending the relationship. Then again, maybe HE said she was withholding, and she just honestly reports what he said because she has nothing to hide, but in reality what he really meant is that she wouldn\'t do the things he wanted... I\'ve seen guys here on EP talk about cheating and or dumping wives because they won\'t do ********** or group or wife swapping or do anal or perform for friends, etc. there are many people these days that actually expect these things without question as if they are given rights and there is no choice, and are mad when they don\'t get them.
I would say your point is valid though, that a wife should not withhold sex, or use sex as a tool... anymore then a husband should withhold money or affection as a manipulation tool... and visa-verse.
and you are right... to go without sexual attention for extended periods of time for no reason can be extremely difficult for both men and women... and wasn\'t part of the biological or spiritual plan. to withhold just creates a ton of problems and really puts a crack in the relationship.

Why are you refusing your husband sex? Not that it is a good excuse to him, but if you want to get biblical, you are as wrong as he is by not having sex with him.

It is terrible to be rejected over and over again.

Internetsluts, I can see your anger, however I did read you're posting a few times to ensure that I understood it; moreover this is my first day on this site I just joined today June 24, 2013.

Thus, the reason that I joined was because my partner decided for us that she did not have to have sex or shall I say, only what she wanted to do or nothing at all.

Hence, we had not had sex in two years, and I’m tired of it and wanted to know …was it time for me, or okay for me to seek sex outside of the relationship? I don’t want to be a dog or cheating *******. I just don’t want to be controlled by sex or have sex used as a tool to control me. Begging is not a part of my personality.

Hence, what I noticed in your writing you never said that he was wrong when he told you “he’s not getting it from you”. Always, why do you feel the need to cite the bible…

Why not bring up the part of Scripture where St. Paul admonishes to not withhold sex from your marital partner? I agree with you, it does not sound as if the wife in the story above was at all blameless. Marriage is a relationship, not a contract. Both parties need to put forth effort for it to work - neither person in the relationship is entitled to anything.

The betrayal of the person we chose to share our most intimate thoughts, our most physical intimacies with, is the ultimate emotional pain we can ever experience. I never felt so much overwhelming pain in my life. I recently lost the grandparents who raised me, followed by my father, and the pain of those deaths was eclipsed by the lie my wife hid from me for 25 years of our 28 year marriage. After my initial despair and angered mistreatment of her, I let the reality of what happened to my "little girl" sink in. I am sad that the beautiful young girl I dated since she was 15 and I was 17 didn't understand that our "family friend" actually raped her. I was working afternoons and a 50 year old "family friend" who was married with kids of his own, invited my 22 year old wife and 2 children on a local run in his semi. When they returned to the place my wife left the car, the children had fallen asleep in the rear sleeper cab. When she knelt down to wake them, she felt him grab her around the waist and he jerked her pants and underwear down and forced himself on her. She said she was so scared, she said her mind raced... what did she do to cause this? Why was this person who was friends with her family, her mother and father, why was he doing this? She never told me, she was afraid I would leave her, afraid that she would ruin our marriage and his. Now I cry, but it's because I realize that she was just young girl who was taken advantage of by deviate who new he could get away with it because of his ties to the family. He is still alive and is around 73 now. I never thought I could take a another human beings life, but I was wrong. It was 08-03-2012 when my wife finally told me, she still thought she did something to cause it. She didn't, her only fault was being a beautiful young innocent woman who trusted a friend. My mind is constantly devising plans to kill that man, but in the end it would only hurt the best, honest, loving wife and mother I was lucky enough marry. So, I can only cry for the horrific thing that happened to the person I love more than I can ever find the words to describe its depths. Her decision to hold that in all these years is a true testament to her love for her own family... and saving that rotten deviates wife and children from all the pain and suffering they would have felt. God, thank you for this life you gave me with this beautiful, loving, caring wife and mother, I didn't deserve her.

We were friends with his whole family for 3 years before this happened. We camped with them, went out to eat with them. I was on steady afternoon for the first 6 years of our marriage and I never thought our friend would hurt her, hurt us, like he did. I am 50 years old now, and I would never do something to any woman like this. She worked for the company he drove for and thought she would get to see another part of what the company did. She thought our kids would enjoy it too. How many kids get to ride in a semi, I know I never did. But you are right, I did tell her I didn\'t like it and didn\'t think she should go. She said don\'t worry, he is as old as my father and he has never given me any reason to think he would do something like what you are thinking. Besides, I am taking our 2 children along. Well she was wrong, I guess that was why she never told me all these years. She had a lot on her plate at the time and being home with 2 kids every night was hard. Her father was dying of cancer and they had just discovered she had cancerous cells on her cervix and she was scheduled for surgery in a couple of weeks. I know she never told our \"friend\" intimate things like that or he would never have done that to her. In fact, what kind of deviate would do that to a young woman who had her kids with her anyway. I am sick just thinking of it, and I have mistreated her because of the pain I feel from it, knowing I still did things with him. He even talked about getting another truck and hiring me to work for him. I didn\'t want this pain in my life, I have held a gun to my head twice because she hid this from me. She was the person I trusted more than anyone in my life and she let me down. It was a mess in so many ways how do you fix it? Should I leave the person I grew up with and planned to have a lifelong relationship with? Do I put a bullet in my head and end the unimaginable pain I never imagined I would feel? I do get mad because we had 2 more children and our last child is disabled and she would never understand why I died. I am in that place no one ever imagines they will be, yet here I am. I was betrayed by my friend and my wife. Not because she didn\'t want to be with me, because she did and feared what I would do if I knew he did that to her. I was young and I cannot say I may not have tried to kill him. Where would I be then? I don\'t know. I can only do what I can everyday and I am still here right now. If you know anyone with a time machine, I am sure I could fix this.

Beat the **** out of the son of a ***** hv that right

I would love to hurt him. My feelings change everyday, from anger with him, anger with her for letting him get away with it, anger that I should have known something happened because now I realize looking back, that she started pulling our family away from them. I think he may have felt guilty, or maybe he thought he would have another chance with her because he came around us more after that for the next few months to help me work on our house. Looking back now, I remember she would disappear when he showed up. One of my siblings was molested when we were young and they said the same things my wife did when she finally told me. She said she was scared, what did she do to cause it, did she say something wrong or suggestive? I know she didn\'t plan it because my parents or hers would have taken the kids for her to go somewhere... even if she lied to them to go have an affair. We were both naïve to this world because we had only been with each other in that way. I am still astounded at things I read here that go on in this world. She told me she didn\'t know how to handle it, how to just stop being friends with his wife, his kids. She used her dads illness to push us away, but it was actually really keeping our life in survival mode to just get through the days and months of his ravaging illness. He died a year later and we had not seen them for 6 months before he died. They came to the funeral and my wife said she was mortified to see them,,, him in line to see the family. I am selfish with my feelings when I am overwhelmed with anger, but I need to think of her and the things she had to handle all by herself. I guess she was right not to tell me, because I failed her with my reaction.

I had a wife like you. Didn't want me and didn't want anyone else to have me either. I don't know what you want out of a personal relationship. It might be best you both move on. Perhaps he can find someone he can have a loving martial relationship with and you can too. You can then put the hurt behind you.

Sorry...a life full of snooping is no life. Get rid of him and find someone u can trust! I did! We r both worth it. For giveness only works if someone wants to change. Trust ur gut!!!!!

I dated a guy for 8 months that I briefly knew in high school. I snooped images phone and found that he was a member of these web sites.some guys have sexual addictions and nobody can change themget rid of him and move on to someone you can trust a life with your new Ping is no life at all Trust is a virtue above everything else you deserve better

And how is anyone to trust you, who snoops on your partner? Will anyone you move on to be able to expect that you won't invade their privacy? Should they be allowed any privacy or do they become your property? Listen to your own advice..

you're bang on.

I am praying for peace and healing for you.

Sexual intimacy is a biological need just like hunger & thirst. Depriving your spouse for whatever reasons and on whatever pretext will naturally have consequences which you've narrated so well. The solution lies in not cursing him. Either fulfill his needs or simply let someone else do the job. Period.

If you were not having an intimate relationship with your husband, and not caring about his needs, you have to take some responsibility for what happened. I know your pain is great, but think how painful it is for a spouse to be rejected sexually from his/her partner.<br />
It's not just about the sex, it's also the lack of intimacy that goes with it. The rejection of this causes great suffering, probably on the scale of your suffering now, and even worse because it goes on year after year, until he/she either strays or leaves the marriage. Pure and simple, it's rejection, and if you rejected him, and neglected this part of your marriage vows, which are also in the Bible....wives submit to your husbands, etc; then you were also committing a "sin" by denying him intimacy in the marriage.<br />
What he did was way over the top, and of course, you are hurt beyond measure. I don't know if you two can sort this out or not, but my best to you, and I'm truly sorry for your pain.

I feel sorry for your pain it must be a very distresssing time for you. The consequences of Adultery are obviously devestating to a family. Would it not be equally selfish and foolish to place blame solely at the cheating spouses door. After all what choices do we have? What do you do when you love someone but they wont have sex with you? Take cold showers? Leave your partner? Also if you dont want to have sex with your partner why do you mind if someone else does?

Oh, so you not giving your husband intimate contact and pushing him into an affair is ok. At what point did you wake up and coffee? Was it when you told you, or did you go riffling through his phone and computer to find the evidence. I'm sure you are just furious with him as well and let me guess not putting out. Be assured that his mind is still wandering and contemplating doing it again. I'm sure he looks at every woman with a lustfull eye at the store, church and the office. A man can only be rejected for so long before he hits a breaking point.

You should have put out prune

I'm a Christian and i agree with you that adultery will only hurt everyone involved but I do not agree with your out of balance use of sc<x>ripture to imply we should stone those who commit adultery. Your husband needs to repent and Im sorry for your pain however at some point you need to repent of your unforgiving and vengeful attitude or it will snuff the light right out of you. <br />
We are certainly all sinners and we will be judged as harshly as we judge others. I understand the thoughts of using *********** and the temptation to commit adultery. I wish I could say I have always dealt with the intimacy issues in a righteous manner but I would be lying if I did. However thank God he is not just a God of judgment but also a God of mercy. In the old testament God had Moses institute capital punishment for a number of sins, adultery being one. There were a number of reasons for such strict laws at that time. God was setting apart the nation of Israel for a special purpose one of which was to reveal the character and nature of God ( YEHEW) to the world and also to physically bring forth the promised messiah Yeshua ( Jesus The Christ). When the messiah came the first time he came to save the world not to judge it. The judgement will happen during his second coming. In the mean time the call to repent and receive Gods forgiving grace through Jesus Christ the son of God who died for our sins and rose from the dead is the message. This message of repentance and forgiveness through Christ was powerfully illustrated with the women caught in adultery. The self-righteous religious jews were ready to stone her according to the law of Moses but little did they know one greater than moses stood before them. Jesus forgave the women's sins and told her go and sin no more ( John 8:3-11). Thank God he is not only a God of judgment but also a God of mercy. I don't recommend adultery to anyone it will only cause more problems but if you have already gone down that road know Jesus wants to forgive and restore but you have to repent and put your faith in him.

It is true that relationships are a 2 way street. It's too bad that he couldn't be truthful with you about his desires. You sound really mad. I can see why. Maybe you are just not as wild as him. I would have personally forgave him and would go forward by trying to see if I could fulfill his passionate..maybe even kinky desires. To me intimacy is almost everything. With it comes love and trust. Anyways..that's just my take on it.

I fail to see how simplistic one-size-fits-all narratives regarding how affairs start are valuable.<br />
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However, the outcome, and ethical, not religious, considerations are important. Something for me to think about in a circumstance that is painful whatever decision is made.

Thanks for your comments . . . you are one of the few on this site who seem to see the larger picture and recognize we all own others in society a duty of care (e.g., the families of the people a cheating spouse is stepping out with), as well as our immediate families. Cut the malignant cancer out of your life and go find the happiness that you rightfully deserve. Godspeed.

Once a cheater always a cheater if they stray from one they'll stray from another. <br />
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When I first moved out west I had a small apt. There were 6 others around me. One small studio above where an old man lived was rented by a couple. The unusal deal was they were only there Monday through Friday from 2-5:30 in the afternoons? Never around on the weekends. I asked the old man about the strange arrangements and of course they were two people having an affair. She married to a man much older and treated her like a daughter. He just tired of his wife for some reason or another. OH YEAH SO NICE CHEAP CHAMPAIGN,,,,SEX, fun hanging around for a few hours during the week. (neither really knew what the other was like it was a just fun play)<br />
What happened was his family found out and all hell broke loose! His son came over to the apt and ramsacked it. I saw the aftermath he was angry. So was all the pain worth the fun time they had? OH WELL BEING DISHONEST NEVER PAYS OFF JUST LIKE YOU SAY!!!!!!!<br />
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What a sobering post...I do feel your pain, I can imagine the betrayal is awful :( <br />
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But I do have to say, as a Christian woman who is sadly in a sexless marriage, the temptation...actually, i'd almost say NEED for intimacy (yes, there is sex with that but its not just the sex I want, its the intimacy that comes with it) is growing more and more every day that i'm not touched or loved in a physical way. Today, I cannot imagine cheating. I don't know about the future. <br />
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I'm not saying your husband was justified in doing what he did. But I do know that if I ever let any other man fulfil me physically it will be out of complete and utter frustration, desperation and deep need because I have waited YEARS and cannot keep waiting forever. I have been patient, encouraging, loving, faithful, everything that is my duty as a loving wife. I don't think I can say that my husband has done his part in our marriage. <br />
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So...even though it pains me to say this, especially as I am someone who believes in God and Christ very strongly, that I do think there are situations where an affair is almost inevitable...

I'm sorry, what does "fat" have to do with any of this?

If only I had the balls to do that girl.<br />
I would feel so guilty cheating although my husband and I have sex so infrequently that I think about it often and find myself literally drooling over other men-even HIS OWN BROTHER.<br />
I ma becoming desperate and don't know what to do. have talked to him before and he is aware of the situation but he just has a very low libido. I am lucky if we have sex every 4 months and that's probably because I initiated it. his big excuse is: I am not good at initiating, which is true but still I don't want to always feel like I am doing all the work. I want him to take control. <br />

That was a great article I have cheated emotionally before on my now wife. It was falling into my own insecurities and lust. I betrayed her and almost ended everything good about our relationship. It has been years, we forgave each other, we have to work very hard on us and keeping up communication and talk about it. It was difficult to see myself in the mirror for awhile and although the figure before stood shadowed I can now see a man in the reflection. If you have cheated you will have times of weakness and communicate with your partner or read and article like the one above to remind you of what really matters.

As a man who has has numerous affairs, I always wonder what it is I am missing that others put so much faith in single sex marriage.<br />
I love my wife but there are certain sexual positions and other things she will not indulge in. Therefore, instead of me pressuring her into doing something she doesn't want to, I go elsewhere.

Marriage IS about sexual relations and intimacy. Want something different? Marry outside of humanity. Get rid of the sanctimonious Bible Babel too. Most priests and preachers I know and have heard speak will tell the "miserable offender" in the affair, you are sinning. Also he would tell the withholding asexual spouse, "You are sinning.(Not fulfilling the 'marriage contract.') We all share blame/responsibility in a marriage...we are just afraid to get out of it for many reasons. Until the cost overrides the rewards we all stay.

Internetsluts: Thank you for showing the human side to the equation of adultery. I am the husband of the same sort of marriage, except I was the one who was betrayed. Like your husband, my wife eventually came to regret her decision, even though she is not a Christian. The wounds never healed completely. She was left with residual feelings for the lover that she left to do the right thing for our son and never has regained a natural affection of a wife for a husband. <br />
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Our son was subjected to great pain. I went through major depression at the loss of knowing his whereabouts for 2.5 years (she ran away and hid). Both of our families were devastated. I know that social research has proven your point. Judith Wallerstein is a liberal social worker who for years advocated divorce in most bad situations. She then began a longitudinal study that was going to go as long as 15 to 25 years in which she followed the families that divorced. Her findings forced her to change her views— the only ones that appeared glad to leave the marriage in the end were those that left their spouses for someone else they had been having an affair with. The remaining spouse and the children were severely affected, emotionally and financially. Children of divorces are much less likely to marry than the normal population and are cynical in general about relationships. Mentally, depression is an issue.<br />
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I sympathize with those in a sexless marriage for I have been in one a long time. My wife has never converted to my faith nor has the marriage become real. I suffer a lot of loneliness and temptation, but I have concluded that I have to either trust my flesh or trust in God. With his strength, I hope to keep choosing the latter. Thank you for a needed post to help us all see reality.

Thank you for pointing out the collateral damage of an affair. I wish you well, counseling does help at least in my case. Trust was destroyed.

Sad, isn't it, how the cheater if often the one who comes out of the betrayal the least damaged. The cheater's children, the spouse of the person the cheater is stepping out with, other family members, and even friends are profoundly damaged by the cheater's actions. But hey, so long as the cheater feels "wanted", sexually gets their rocks off, or has "intimacy" (all great excuses!) who cares, right? This is a symptom of the "me" society that now dominates Western culture.

2 Cents: I understand most of what folks write. Some cannot understand. I have been married for14 years and the intimacy ended after the wedding. I'm not shy and my wife and I discussed all of this for years. I eventually came to understand that the discussions (yes, the discussions about needs, etc. themselves) and the pressure my wife felt over it all made her miserable.<br />
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This misery caused huge fights. The fights caused family strife. And not just with or about the sex. The pressure of my needs made her appear to hate every aspect of me. <br />
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At some point I figured it out. My wife likes me for my utility as a provider and someone that is very handy around the house. Without the pressure of my needs, she probably thinks I am pretty fun.<br />
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At some point after figuring all of this out and deciding that I would never again burden her with any of my needs (or my thoughts or anything that does not directly relate to her needs and her thoughts) things got much better for us.<br />
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But eventually (I guess almost inevitably) I met someone. She was an old friend and we eventually started having an affair. It has gone on for close to 5 years now. It is so good (great) in every possibly earthly sense of the word.<br />
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But there is a rub: I am an adulterer and she is an adulteress. We have never been caught, and may never be, but I am so ashamed of myself that I cannot stand it. My lover's marriage is a dreadful mess and she is miserable but will never admit that any of that has anything to do whatsoever with this affair. Her marriage was (is) not sexless or anything like that. Her husband loves her in some ways. This makes it even worse for me. I am destroying this woman. <br />
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Sex is not like food. Neither is heterosocial intimacy. I can live like I did for the first 9 years of my marriage for the rest of my life. I would be resentful when I saw happy affectionate couples, and daydream sometimes of how things could be, but I would live. I just would not watch certain movies.<br />
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But there are things we will never believe without trying them. Sometimes I wish I were homely or just undesirable so that this temptation would never have presented itself to me. At least then I could rest with the false understanding that I am a decent human being.

Zoroman, your question about the Sons of God or the Sons of Man depending on the exegesis of the Hebrew or Greek passage, is a good one. To answer it properly I would have to first say that it can only be answered with in the context of the Bible itself, that is, there are no texts that it references or refers to. Secondly, it must fit into a consistent interpretation of the text, specifically, as you point out, the BIble is not to be interpreted a verse at a time, but as an entire book. The interpreter cannot change his method to get the outcome that he desires.

That said, one must understand the book of Genesis that it comes from and the story therein, the 5 books of the Law known as the Pentateuch of which Genesis is one, and finally , it must be interpreted in light of Jesus Christ and how he fulfilled and gave meaning to the passages of the Old Testament, for the bible asserts that Jesus is the "Word" of God and he himself asserted that the scriptures were fulfilled in him.

The passage you speak of has had many interpretations, some as bizarre as angels having sex with women and creating a race of giants. This cannot be the final interpretation as it does not flow with the context in which it resides and because there is no support for such a conclusion in the rest of the BIble. Of the many ways to interpret it, I think that the early theologian, Augustus of Hippo (Egypt) and the Reformers properly interpreted it. They properly point out that the book of Genesis begins the clear story of the "two cities—the city of God and the city of man" The city of God is the line from from which God would bring forth the redeemer of man—Jesus Christ. The city of man represents satan and the unregenerate (those already determined to receive the wrath of God). The city of man constantly fights against the City of God in efforts to overcome it.

That being said it is easier to see the the meaning most likely has to do with the giants being giants of men, that is, strong warriors and adversaries of God's laws that were in the land for a period of time. I would contend that Luther's interpretation of those that fathered them being the earlier seed of Satan (not demonic or spiritual but those men who by the fact that they reject God, worship Satan).

IF we are to be candid we have to conclude that there are other possible interpretations, all of which do not end up with a bizarre conclusion that fits nowhere into the Bible. I don't think it will help to talk about the Hebrew as it is a language with great variability. The Greek Septuagint, translated from the Hebrew, must be interpreted with the understanding that the text is more limited.

I do believe that the BIble is God's only written letter to man. In it, God delivers the message that man is sinful and in need of a Savior to redeem him from his fall into evil. It then predicts the Savior through prophecy and historical events confirmed in later books or the New Testament, and reports his appearance. Men now reside on this side of the Cross while those that lived in the day of Genesis lived before the arrival and work of the Savior.

You are right to say that no man can know what God thinks. God is the only being that occupies eternity. He lives outside of time. He is so vast that the work of his hands, a mere creature, could never come close to understanding his whole.

He has, however stooped low in love to reveal that about him which is in the Bible. And those things CAN be known.

As for your last passage, why are the religious nut cases not citing the passage, I would respond that it serves ho purpose to cite it in reference to marriage, unless you also wish to cite the extensive references to marriage in Genesis, Leviticus, Exodus, Proverbs, some prophets, and the vast about mentioned in the first and second letters of Paul to the Corinthians. There are other references as well.

If I haven't answered sufficiently, let me know. Peace.

Mind games is a form of abuse, under a psychological sense. If this is one of the basis of divorce, I honestley don't think the courts would look at this as grounds. cheating on you is grounds, plain pure and simple.

Sorry for what you are going through, I truly hope that it gets better.

So sorry for the pain your husbands affair has cost you. I'm a married woman having an affair with a married man. This was not a decision I came to lightly. After 20 years of marriage I had decided that I sorely needed some genuine affection in my life. And the man I'm having this affair with is someone I met through chat. We are crazy about each other and are fulfilling needs in each others lives that have not been met by our spouses in a long time. And it's not just about sex (lovemaking) but hugs, kisses, hand holding and cuddling. Much of it is emotional rather than physical fulfillment. It's a wonderful escape from a daily life of arguing, belittling and sarcasm everytime I meet with my lover. Who btw is in the same boat as I am. <br />
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I know it is already too late for you, but we are all human beings with physical or emotional needs. So you may want to look deep inside and ask yourself if there was a point in your relationship with your husband where things took a turn for the worst and if there wasn't something you could've done differently as well.

So what do your children and your spouse have to say about your infidelity? You're being open and honest with them, right, given that they are the ones who, in theory, love you the most? How about the children of the man you are stepping out with, and his spouse? They also bless the relationship, correct? Awwwwww, I see: everything is being kept secret and in the closet . . . . very telling isn't it?

Years ago, a friend of mine found out his mother was unfaithful to his father. He hasn't talked to his mother since. And, by the way, his mother has never met her grandchildren, and probably never will. I wonder whether she thinks it is all worth it now?

I just want name of website he used!!

HaHaHa! this is something else, Hey Zoro on the 2 sections you picked out these are just an account of what happened , thats all, A person can't just pic a verse & turn it like you did for a personal ok to go on a ******* spree. God's view point ba<x>sed on his word is that sex outside of marriage is a sin called adultry, And when a single person has sex and he is not married that is called fornication, Nothing More and Nothing Less.

Man I'm so content in my adulterous relationship... I hope it never ends! :-D

Fortunately i'm not a religious person so all of that bible stuff means nothing to me. However, as far as cheating goes, i think that if one of the two outright refuses to even try to be intimate, then why should the other not be able to "out-source" the sex ?

I started to do it, but then moved out, we remain married. We love eachother, but dont go on dates. He knows I am seeing someone. Neither of us has filed for divorce, at first it was for financial reasons and now, I think we are both scared to see it end. <br />
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I was in need of an emotional relationship that my husband didnt give me. I think people cheat because they have a need. Once you see yourself with the need, then honestly you need to get out of your relationship and pursue it.

Think about how u would feel if your spouse cheated on you

honestly, back then, I was hoping he was cheating, hoping he had another woman to make him happy. I wanted off the hook. If he cheated on me, that would be an easy out for me. I know I am not the only woman who has felt this way.

the loneliest people I know are married.

Someone asked me...I live in a sexless marriage...and have not cheated yet...hinking about it..don't see why you feel so bad for getting what you deserve and need,we all need loving ,and if your not getting any at home...why not discreetly get some on the side to keep your sanity ?<br />
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My response - Because you took a promised...if you've changed your feelings and your mind...end that THEN move on. It starts out discreet...but won't stay that way unless your looking for a bunch of one night stands. Don't forget the concern @, like me, probably haven't thought along those lines in years...and I was STUPID so now even though my affair is over..I'm SCARED!!!!<br />
Have you DEEPLY discussed it with you wife? I mentioned things all the time...even in front of people but he thought I was joking. I did break down once...told him everything but nothing changed. <br />
I didn't plan on cheating but I caught up with an OLD friend and one thing led to another....I can tell you I NEVER expected all the emotions and pain for ME and now my husband. IT was the biggest mistake of my life...the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with...and my life hasn't been "storybook".<br />
If you want to stay married...get what you have to BEFORE you do something you cant reverse. It only makes the work you have to do to fix your marriage 100x harder...if you can fix it at all after you cheat. So much for keeping the sanity....right?

You lost me with the bible quotes. Also, the lack of detail about you leads me to believe this is more of a bible thumper rant than the reality of what a lot of us live with. The act of a spouse denying intimacy is spousal abuse, plain and simple.

If you read prev. posts- I agree ,should've left out the
bible quotes. I trusted my husband and asked if he was doing
this affair and all. As a true liar and coward denied and denied.
Isn't that abuse also?

Talk about heartbreaking, I married a man 20 yrs older than me, 1 and a half years ago, I am 45, I found that he has cheated on me the whole time and even when he was first suposedly interested in me, He said I was his one and only and our rule was he didnt want to share me and I didnt want to share him. But he did it the whole time.. After a few mos of our marriage, he was not interested in haveing any type of intimacy with me. And when I would try, he was sick, tired or the story of his labedo failing with age. But he sure could find other people on craigslist.....! I never wanted to have an affair, but he idea of it is becomeing more interesting everyday...Not to get even..No! But to find some type of intimacy in my life. I thought I was suposto be happy in a new marrage.....You are cheating rather you do the deed or just talk , think and become aroused with anyone other then your mate.....And there are all types of cyber ***** out there, Both men and women!

I used to be a woman that married men would sleep with. In my twenties I loved the adoration of getting men to sleep around on their wives. I tried relationships with single guys but I never seemed fufilled. I don't blame her for being upset and I'm glad to see she's angry with her husband and not the other woman. It's hard to come back from infidelity but it can be done. Good luck.

never cheat. if nothing else it will leave a black mark on your soul. the mark will never come off. and believe it or not it will always don't do it

I have been on both sides it is very hurtful all the way around. It is my hope and prayer that that through fasting healing and prayer things could move in the right way for you and your loved ones.<br />
I lived my life for 39 years in the dark Love slipped right by me. Though my life as a Christian is a struggle. When I put on the armor provided By the lord things may not be easy but tend to bounce off.<br />
There are many of us out here that would embrace the both of you with Love and pray for you. When<br />
people come against us they know not what they do. I for one can see that your family has been attacked by the enemy. we are just men and we all make mistakes I know your pain as I have lived it. One thing I know is this God will move in your life just as he has and does in mine. In 2004 February 13th That was a Friday I was hit walking by a car going over 45 Miles an hour There was no hope for me to live. I was cut out of the car by the jaws of life put on Life Flight and flown to Emanuel hospital in Portland Oregon I have to forgive people every day The ones that hurt the most are Brothers and Sisters In Christ As we should know how we are to be. Some day all these hurts will be washed away. The tears wiped You hang on to the hope hang on to the faith. Run the race to win As I know there is a crown waiting for you. The Lord is going to use you in mighty way,s You have been blessed That is the reason he attacks us in the way he does. And God will use you to share with others in the same way. And just as Paul always said Greetings from God the Father The Holy Spirit And the Son. I have much love for my brothers and sisters in the lord Remember every time this world rises against us something is happening for Gods Glory to shine Much Love In the Lord.

Lately I've been fantasizing about having an affair and it's a real fight within myself. I've never believed in cheating on someone. I've come from a Christian background so I have all that guilt in my mind as well. But then I think well if the Bible says that even thinking or lusting after a woman is considered adultery then why not go all the way since I've already lusted after women. <br />
I met my wife in Jan. 2001. She was pregnant by Feb. We were married in June 2001. We had our first baby in Oct. 2001. Such a horrible way to go about things. No time to just get to know each other. No love at all for her but a sense of duty to go the distance due to the pregnancy. My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I never wanted a divorce to mess my kids up and I think it does mess kids up no matter what anyone says. Kids need both parents. There's just some aspects of life and learning that mom can give and dad can give. I know I still have some resentment for my mom ending the marriage with my dad. She's had a total of 4 marriages now. Crazy I think.<br />
Anyway, my wife and I have been married almost 10 years now and it's been a difficult road. We now have 3 kids (9, 4, 3). I don't want a divorce and I want to be living in the same house as my kids. I do not want to be a "weekend dad". I'm not attracted to my wife at all. She weighs 342 pounds. I am overweight too but that doesn't mean I have to like someone else that is that heavy. How can that be attractive? When we met she was around 200 and that wasn't too bad. Of course I hadn't had sex in 2 years when I met her. She won't even try to lose weight and still lives in this fantasy that she can get the "fat surgery" (gastric bypass or similar) as she calls it. We have no insurance and are both unemployed. Who's gonna pay for that?! If she were thinner I would be more attracted to her. She thinks I should want her anyway. Sorry...I'm a visual person. <br />
She doesn't act like she respects me. She also has depression issues and yes I guess some of that is because we don't always get along. I will say that we do still sometimes laugh with each other so it's not always bad. But a lot of her depression she had before we even got married... which unfortunately I didn't find out until after we got married and I think you can see why considering how fast events played out. She said she was molested when she was really young.<br />
I don't want a divorce for the sake of my kids and I honestly don't want any of us to go through the pain of a divorce because divorce is a very painful thing and I don't know that you ever fully get over it. But I admit I'm unhappy. I read another post from someone who said they don't even like watching "chick flicks" because of the happiness portrayed in 2 people finding love. That's how I feel too. This is really corny but I had a dream maybe 1 or 2 months ago and I'll probably remember it forever. Here it is... I'm a huge fan of Celine Dion. I love her music! And I think she's an amazing woman full of love and happiness. It shows in her life. Anyway in my dream... Celine and I were in love. She looked like she did when she first started getting popular in the U.S. and she was wearing a long red satin dress. She was so beautiful and in the dream we were so in love. It felt wonderful. When I woke up I was crying. Crying because I long for that kind of love and I know I've probably screwed up any chance of ever having that kind of love. I know it was a silly kind of dream but it felt so good in the moment. I hated waking up. <br />
I feel guilty for even considering screwing around but I admit I've posted ads to just see what's out there. Kind of just dipping my foot into the water. I'm kind of mad at my wife too. Last week she went to a party for overweight women. However after the party about 20 people went into a hotel room and sat around and watched this woman get screwed in every hole she had. And my wife watched this too. Thankfully she didn't participate but she did say that earlier in the evening she was approached by a guy that asked her if she wanted to have sex. She said she said no. But she was in that environment. So needless to say I'm in a messed up situation. LOL! <br />
People have been talking about the Bible. Yes I know that it says adultery is wrong and you aren't supposed to deny your spouse sex. But what I wonder about is the stories about King David and King Solomon. David lusted after a woman and actually sent her husband to the front lines in battle to make sure he died so David could take this man's wife for himself and the Bible describes David as a "man after God's own heart". How could that be when David did such a thing? Granted David paid a heavy price for his actions but God still loved him and I have no doubt that if Heaven is real that David is there or will be there. And then King Solomon... God granted him wisdom making him the wisest man in the world yet he had many wifes and concubines. If these men can do these things and still be cool with God so to speak then what the hell? LOL! It's all so confusing!

Well i think if a man and a woman relationship, lacks passion, if you know what i mean, it is understandable one might seek it else where, mostly the guy lol, for our bodies pretty much scream for it without us having much control. I have sort of the same problem with my girl, she would be my first but it seems im completely unattractive to her, and it does hurt me plenty, but i love her to much to seek physical love else where heh, though i can understand it if someone cheats because of this u.u Only guys would understand this i think.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (re-read verse 5)<br />
"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

hemmmm..Guys I am in the same boat....NO sex, no intimacy...the rest is ok.<br />
She says we fight because I am a grump and don't want to do anything for her....<br />
Duh....A happy man is a great husband...I would do all the housework, and work my *** off,if I thought for 1 second she would be intimate. She does not even want to hold my hand for gods sake.<br />
I could go on and on, but you all said it best. Same here just different place.<br />
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As for the internet affairs etc. Really stupid.<br />
but...I takes two working wife wants me to fix her problem...confusing

Wow. It is not fun to go through something like that. Thank you for the post, a lot of married people who are considering an affair should read it and comprehend what their actions may do. OXOX :) There really is NO excuse for an affair, stand up and end it before you go out and get your rocks off.

I'm not saying that hubby did the right thing, but there are two sides to every coin and I'm betting that hubby's side had a lot of sexless nights on it. Or/and if there was any sex it was boring, dull as dishwater vanilla sex with no intimacy. Am I right?

My confusion with your story is that you indicate that he has no right to seek sex outside the marriage yet you seem to indicate you have the right to refuse him that aspect of his marriage. The desire (drive) for sex is like the desire for food thinking about food doesn't fill your belly and not thinking about food doesn't fill it either. Sex is an importantb part of a monogomus relationship it what differentiates a wife from a mother, sister, or aunt. I would caution any partner that routinely denies their partner sex that this is tanamount to denying them food if their hungry or comfort if they are in pain. Bottom line next time you are hungry, I mean really hungry try just thinking about food and see if it makes your hunger go away.

I cheated on my husband with a married man for several months before I was caught by my husband. My husband and I hadn't been intimate, on any level, for many years despite my best efforts. Rather than divorce him, which would be difficult for the kids, I decided to fulfill my emotional and physical needs outside of the marriage. It felt great while it last, but there was a huge price to pay. I thought if my husband caught me he'd have to at least understand that I had needs and I had tried so hard to have him be the one to fulfill my need but he didn't want to. I was wrong, he only sees me as a lying cheater and had told my mother, sister and threatens to tell our kids. He doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to work on our marriage, he just wants to punish me and keep me tied to the house while he comes and goes as he pleases. He has been intimating me, is angry and unpredictable and I feel like this is all my fault and that we will all suffer until I can get a divorce.

Your story was not inspiring, as it was full of loathing and bitterness. And the name "internetsluts" says it all.<br />
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Human beings crave social interaction, and part of that interaction, belonging, and comfort comes i nt he form of sexual intimacy. <br />
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When you don't receive it, despite all attempts to cure the ailment with your loved one, it becomes a longing to find it.<br />
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Why not find a bible group to complain to, I'm sure they will understand your sentiment, you may find more comfort there.

Hi Drill Seargeant, you are 51, you have lots of precious years before you. You should make a move. Put the whole thing on the table and work your marriage out. You have a right to be happy in it as has she, but being happy does not mean existing like a vegetable or living side by side like business partners. You have a duty to work for your happiness. What's wrong with separating the marriage and staying friends? What is the point of demanding "faithfulness" if there is nothing actually happening between you? <br />
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I have heard that good marriage counseling can bring you back to where you were in your best times. If your best times were really good, which is what it sounds, then get your a** up and move yourselves back to where you started with each other!! You need to take action and that starts with putting the foot down and setting an ultimatum. Fix it or lose it.<br />
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Do that right now, tomorrow, before you find that other pair of eyes contacting you. It is so much cleaner and easier, plus you may actually get your marriage feel good again! But do it before having an affair. Once the affair happens, from what I hear you report, you have definitely lost your marriage! There is no way back then. <br />
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But I have seen it happen: you say "I can't continue like this, either you change or I have to leave". It is that blunt, but it's all you can do. Of course marriage is a system, so say "we change" (but make it clear that it's not you adapting better to her, no, it is she making a HUGE change). It is now or never! There is a too late!!! And in your case that too late is soon!!! You act as if you still wanted to live a life with love, and that's normal and there are wonderful opportunities out there for you in this big world, you are not too old with 51. BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO GO FOR ALTERNATIVES unless you have already decided to divorce.<br />
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Really, address your life NOW. Fix it or unwind it. Either be a happy married man or become a single in new search for happiness. Within 6 months you will feel better either way. It's a win/win. Start the process now by sitting down with your wife and say your marriage is half dead, it is now the time or never to get it back to life. It is that serious.<br />
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Good luck!

So much to agree with and disagree with. I am wondering, if he was that honest with you, did either one of you really sit and talk about it? Or was in about ones needs or lack of why it wasnt approched?<br />
Not tryingto be mean, but I m going thru a difficult stage, we have tried to talk about it. I love her, but somewhere she went from a wild thing, to civilized sex, to its disgusting! I have treid to talk it out, is it something I do, didnt do? Are you not in love anymore? what is it? She wont attend a consoulor.. and It makes me think that shes done but wont be honest enough to say it. I have thoguht about an affair but this subject you posted was of interest, since Im on the fence. Yup I have approched her with the Divorce, but she wants no part of that... I think she want no part of anything?? We have been seprated to some time now, I have gotten to the point that I dont hate her, just no longer like her.. Good luck on your furture! and Thanks for shareing

I can remember being sexless for one month then one year and now I turn around and it has been eight years. That is even scary for me to write. We have been married 27 years and my wife’s health began to go downhill in 2002. I was active duty army then and began deploying to Iraq. I deployed in 2003 and again in 2006. It’s hard to believe we did not even make love on my departure or return from either deployment. Her struggle with first a hysterectomy in 02 then diagnoses with internal abdominal scaring in 2005 has kept her busy at her new hobby, visiting the doctor. I believe she has Munchausen syndrome and gets her attention from visiting doctors and having sugary. I am retired from the army now and working in my second career. Life is busy, the kids are gone and we continue to walk around each other like business partners instead of the romantic crazies we were for so many years. Oh yea we use to party our *** off. I have always kept in good shape and she has not lost her beauty to age either. It’s just that her interest for kissing, holding sex or even sleeping together completely disappeared. I am beginning to feel that at 51 I will never experience sex again. I can’t imagine ever visiting a prostitute but I do look for eye contact among women my age at the gym or around work. So far nothing has sparked but I can imagine a scenario where I engage in a intimate conversation and then we move on to satisfying our needs. I have been so very faithful throughout our marriage. With all the travel I did in the army I certainly had opportunity in the past but I never cheated. I am ready to take that leap now.

I think this thread shows how the categories of "selfishness", (a-)morality and biblical law, guilt, "adultery", and "unfaithfulness" do not help anyone in this situation.<br />
<br />
In the original story it is very clear how these categories have fooled the husband into acting and talking like a bigot, and everyone looses, including the credibility of the Christian faith. So scratch this and start with square one.<br />
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Obviously something in that marriage (and in others reported here as examples) wasn't going right. When that happens, each partner who notices something isn't right needs to sound the alarm bell and speak out, seek help in understanding and start working with the other to address the issue. This is the duty of each spouse, whoever notices it first. And I believe this is where most of us have failed who are in a mess like that. I speak from experience. The real failure of the perpetrator of an affair is not that he got engaged in the affair, but that he sought the affair instead of addressing the underlying problem head-on!<br />
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If I seek an affair, I know that something is wrong with my marriage, but so many of us feel like they can't speak up and address the issue. Why? I personally would blame our self-expectations that yes culture has indoctrinated us with, but nevertheless we are responsible for because we never questioned them. The number 1 self-expectation that is so detrimental is (1) the assumption that moderation is a good thing and (2) respect for the partner misunderstood. <br />
<br />
(1) We thought we would have to deny ourselves the desire for a fulfilled love life (that includes sex, intimacy, cuddling, talking, fun, whatever your needs). It is wrong, wrong, wrong to believe that we would earn points in heaven by denying ourselves our deepest desires for love. This is the bigotry that is so obvious in US full of preachers in pulpits or election campaigns traveling the high-road of morality until they are exposed. It's wrong and it is a huge error of society to preach "moderation" in this area as a value in itself. It breaks so many lives who end up heartbroken or in some alcohol problem or all the poor guys now beings stamped a "sex addict".<br />
<br />
(2) Respect for the partner does not mean not to mention ones own needs. Does not mean even to give in when the partner says "no" or does not understand. A relationship gets hurt when the couple uses the path of least resistance, it becomes small and unfulfilling for both. If I want sex every day and my partner once a week, so we may end up with twice a week, but my partner wants to have good conversation every day and I only once a week so we only talk twice a week, everybody looses. It is not a compromise that works! If I think I need sex every day (and I kind-of think I do) and she thinks she needs to talk deeply every day, then that is what we need to make happen! And it is possible. I can learn to talk, and she can learn to enjoy sex greatly. Everybody wins. The compromise is not the solution, pushing the envelope is the solution!<br />
<br />
This means, everyone has a responsibility to make their needs known, put them on the table and negotiate hard but with reason. I give you what you need, you give me what I need. Not grudgingly, but I learn to like what you like and you learn to like what I like. We both win double! Why can we do this? Because we love each other! Yes, and that can work.<br />
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Now suppose my wife has been talked by some morality preacher into believing sex is bad and you must not enjoy it, or worse, that same morality preacher might have had her molested when she was young, or may be she has some simple treatable medical condition so she can't enjoy sex. This is true in many cases where one partner doesn't enjoy sex. So, it needs to be addressed. And some pushing is necessary to solve the problem, head in sand does not fix it.<br />
<br />
Suppose the partner is unwilling to address the problem, then it is best to know that ahead of the marriage! Probably 9 out of 10 prospects with whom we may fall in love are just not a good fit for us. We should best figure that out before we marry. So, don't marry the girl (or boy) who just doesn't want as much sex as we do. How do you know? Another area where the sexual purity morals are doing many people a huge disservice, because they don't even find out before they are married.<br />
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Now suppose you are newlywed and things during honeymoon go down the tubes. Things just are not satisfactory for one or both. Now they need to act. Address the problem in year 1. Try to work it out and if it is determined that there is no good fit, divorce and move on. It's so much better for both, because if one spouse isn't happy the other one is headed for unhappiness too!<br />
<br />
Try to figure this out before you have kids. So that the kids are born into a solid marriage where the partners have good happiness and a track record to be able to address their issues. What a great world it could be!<br />
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For most of us, like me, we were driven down the aisle by our moral self-infatuation (as if Christ died for the righteous) then ignored our needs because chastity is good and our desires are the devil, then we compartmentalize our needs by creating a red-light-district in our hearts and minds, then we struggle with the guilt that that brings. All the while we are showing off to our selves, our partners, and most importantly to the world, what wonderful understanding and tolerant people we are, that we do not get into any arguments with our spouses. We polish the image of our dream marriage, all the while our hearts are aching and the pressure in the red-light-zone increases. By now our kids are anywhere from 3 to 13 years old.<br />
<br />
Then opportunity strikes and boom we are caught in an affair. We meet another affection-starved married individual and we get a glimpse of a paradise that we never thought existed. Now we start extending our red-light-zone into the real world by running under-cover affairs, all the while holding on to our bigot morality trying to uphold the lies of our miserable marriages. But one day we can not hide the truth any more, we are in deep trouble. The affair is not the cause of the trouble, it is only a symptom, a complication of an disease that apparently troubles 10-50% of all marriages and one way or the other affect 70% of all people at one point in their lives!<br />
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The only right action is always the same: once you notice you are missing something important for your life, address it. Learn what it is that you are really missing. Try to get it by legitimate ways. Demand it from your marriage. Challenge your fate! This marriage must either make both spouses happy or it must move on. It is a law of nature. This is how it always goes. Unhappy marriages never survive without causing harm. So, challenge your fate as soon as possible. If this is a blessed union, it can withstand both spouses seeking to have their needs met from each other. If the spouses can not meet each others needs, they are not guilty or right or wrong, but they simply then agree and move on.<br />
<br />
What about the kids? There's enough testimony and evidence that divorce between reasonable consenting adults does not hurt the kids. It's the stupidity of guilt, the lies, and the hate that it produces that hurts everyone, the spouses and the kids, regardless of divorce.

1) I feel saddened by the pain experienced by the remorseful ones, and their jilted, deeply hurt partners. It's a sad day when regret replaces lust, and logic replaces the justifications we make for ourselves, our acts. We are selfish and self serving animals by flesh, by nature - stop blaming that on God, or finding fault in sc<x>ripture to explain your lusts and deeds. We are granted free will (freedom to choose our pleasures and our pains). We (as God's creations) have each our own purpose in life, and our lesson is not just about busying ourselves with fulfilling our every animal desire - sex, monitary things or otherwise. Don't let want you want real bad, cloud your vision and blur your path my friends! As souls, suited in human-animal (flesh and chemical) bodies, we must strive to overide our animal urges with our moral, and virtous character development. (sharpen the saw, so to speak). I am not religious. I am Christian, but I am not attending a church or reading Bibles at this point (and I admit that apologetically). I just say it as it comes through me. Consider me a messenger and an experienced sinner - like all of you (regardless of your mistakes). I also respect science! In fact, God, the divine and science as we typically know it, are not separate to me - they beautifully and logically coiencide. That being said.... Here's some insight. I love my husband - my partner for 6 years, and married for just over 1 year. He's physically hot, in great shape, dependable and smart. He is wanting intimacy with me more now than ever before marriage. I have always had a healthy libido. I am normal weight, no real body issues.... I don't even know why I avoid sex. It's frusterating because I don't have the answers. I take solice in my faith and also in my knowledge (however limited) in basic biology. There's a great read (a short book) but Wow! What an awakening bit of info you will acquire from reading it. It called "The Female Brain," I dont recall the proff who wrote it at the moment - I have lent it out recently. It explains the drop in bonding and courtship hormone related chemicals which, in turn, effect libido and closeness. Anthro-theory has it that this might serve a purpose - to shift mates attention away from one another and onto offspring. The crux: Gentle touching, holding hands, sharing laughs and general closeness is what replenishes and (builds) back our oxytocin resovoirs. For men, touching across shoulders, not the waist spikes their bonding chemicals, as does sex... For women, (and you already know this) the process is more complicated and takes advanced work - foreplay for us begins in the morning (the day before and the day before that even). Foreplay for us is how cherished we feel. How validated we feel, how "un-owing" we feel. The moment a shift occurs and we feel pressure to perform, take care of needs, fulfill a role... (see: marriage), the pressure mounts, and interferes with our bonding biological response. Men need to feel respected (men need to feel empowerd, needed, like heros to their families), and women need to feel cherished, adored, validated, honoured and appreciated (in a way that we can interpret). This means, the car you bought for us, might not be filling our emotional needs. Whereas, a loving, but flirty look from you, captured glance, feeling your body graze up lightly against us "as if by coiencidence and without expectation" can often do the trick. Consistency is key. A "dutiful" wife can feel and perform like a "hen-pecked" husband. Give a man his balls back and you get a champion in your family, give a woman her space and airtime to be free, to take care of herself, and you get a tigress. Remember the looks you exchanged with one another during the courtship period? The way you both acted more discretely, took care not to live so openly in front of eachother (this means no farting or peeing etc, in eachother's presence) This also means not letting us find your inbox full of ****... This means a flirtatious glance - not the cheezy "try to hard" eye brow raise... Just read the book, try to be kind, and for the love of God (and for the fighting chance your marriage deserves) seek to understand before you condemn others for your unfulfilled needs. Understanding our human biology is empowering. Lastly, once you cheat, you can never take it back. I have known of couples who beleived they were far, far beyond repair, see better days and new light. Only, he or she who "went outside the relationship to get their needs met (emotional, physical, or otherwise) was tormented by their guilt.... Give yourself time to choose to give it your commitment or sever your marriage. What would you want your child's future spouse to do? Think outside your own situation for a moment.

The reason someone cheats is that is simple. They are not receiving something out of the relationship. It basically boils down to communication. So, yes, both parties are at fault - but it is not right to cheat and everyone knows that.

Percifel- I wonder if you go back to when the affection stopped-ask yourself what was going on at that time? Something that was eventful for your wife? Something that made her look at you differently?<br />
Why don't you suggest marriage counseling? Tell her your unhappy, she can't read your mind.<br />
Communication is so vital-something that was lacking in my marriage. Once you go down the<br />
road of adultery-it's hard to get the respect back from the one you really love. Just my opinion and<br />

I love this site. I have enjoyed getting so many different perspectives. however, even after having read all these posts, I agree with the point that its not all about sex, for me that is only part of whats missing, I miss and crave that closeness, the effection, all of it. I feel sorry for all those guys that have went years without it, and FEAR that down the road I could be one of them. for me its been about 7 months. Im frustrated daily, changes my whole outlook, grows worse by the day. I dont want to cheat, I just want the woman I love to love me back. How can she not want that intimacy? Everything was fine for years, I dont get it, but Im growing very unhappy and miserable, she wants me to be my old self light hearted, funny, IMPOSSIBLE, around her, her distance she has put between us cuts me everyday. She doesnt deserve to be loved like I love her. all comments are welcome.

I posted this approx. 2 years ago. I have read some posts and I agree -let me take out the bibilical<br />
post BUT it comes down to respect and trust doesn't it?<br />
If your spouse doesn't care if you cheat so be it BUT my issue was, when confronted he continued to lie-denied he could ever do such a thing. Insulted my intelligence by not admitting he was having an affair. Boys do that not men. If this was so right why lie??? Or hide the fact?<br />
My husband is an cheater just like she was. BTW-her husband divorced her. What comes around goes around.

Men!!!! I have found the cure to thoughts of cheating. It's actually quite simple. Open the bible , perferably to the middle of the book. Now hold it at waist level and close your eyes and fantasize about another woman.Once you become excited close the book hard and fast....problem solved. If this didn't work for you, then you probably wern't nude. Now Try it again . (lol)

This is one post, from one person, from her experience and perspective. <br />
<br />
It's when we step over into the other side that we realize there is a lot more to the issue and nothing is just black and white.<br />
<br />
One question, why is the woman the '****' and yet, your husband doesn't have any derogatory terms about him?<br />
<br />
He is equally culpable.

Barb,<br />
<br />
You are so right... and the person who made up this profile to post this load of crap .. well she is wrong.

Hi Mike3380 I completely understand where you are coming from. I can no longer go see "chick-flicks because they make me extremely sad. I too get angry and jealous when i see happy couples just walking around the spectrum. I want that connection too damn it! I'm on the other end of the spectrum my husband only wants me once a month if i"m lucky. I understand what you are going through, and i"m a woman... isn't that scary.

Oh, so it is wrong to cheat? After enduring a sexless marriage for the last 8 years of a 20 year marriage, and a wife who loves to cut me down with her criticism and jerk me around emotionally, six weeks ago I found a single woman who had a healthy sex drive. She didn't want to just jump into bed, but wanted to meet to see if we clicked first. We did, and have been bonding together (lots of e-mails) and meeting when we can. Instead of finding an affair, I have found a wonderful new friend, and what is shaping up to be the love of my life. Your mileage may vary.

It has taken A LOT of rejected affect from me towards my wife over MANY years for me to wonder if my one life should be spent servicing her basic needs. I mean what the F type of person pushes away someone who loves them and wants to hold them and have them fall asleep in their arms. She's actually put a mini DVD pla<x>yer on the bed between us. I told her its like a Berlin Wall. One day I'm gonna break it half with my bare hands. I just wanna adore and love someone and would even settle for a 90/10 split on that - But I gotta get something back in return.<br />
<br />
Like your husband, I felt myself "above" the temptation of succumbing to ba<x>ser needs, but it really is not about sex, its about feeling loved that comes from physical attention of any kind. If you deny your husband that, and don't at least make an effort to fix the problem, you MUST expect it progress to an affair or sex for money. For Pete's sake I hired an escort then spent an hour just holding her. Women please make your men know you love them. Or let them know you don't and let them go. The limbo in between sucks.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I appreciate that it is immoral and unacceptable for a spouse to have an affair. But when two people get married then love, intimacy and sex will keep their relationship strong. When these disappear from the marriage then inevitably the fidelity disappears. I have been in sexless marriage for a number of years and I repeatedly requested her to explain why she does not like sex and intimacy and her answers have varied every time I have asked her this question. I have not had an affair yet but if I did then whose fault would it be. You only live once, if a person does not like sex then let them enjoy their own company doing whatever they want to do but let others the same freedom.

Let me say this, I would not cheat on my husband, if he was sick. had a stroke, cancer whatever. That is what the sickness or health is all about.<br />
BUT>>>><br />
I will cheat if he continues on the course he is on. I will not do without sex with a man how is healthy, and is not having sex because of his hang ups.

How long does a marriage have to last without sex for it to be regarded as unconsummated through non-renewal of intimacy? I'm feeling that there's such a thing as being unfaithful through the denial of an intimate relationship and that in those circumstances I find it difficult to think of an affair as being sinful - especially as the alternative might be divorce.

You might want to continue your reading all the way until I Cor 7<br />
<br />
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.<br />
<br />
Look. I know how much an affair hurts. My husband is in the process of divorcing me over some long distance dream woman in Texas. But to say that you have no responsibility in this happening is ridiculous. You put him in a position of temptation. Yes, he hurt you. But you hurt him in small increments each time you said "no" to your wifely duty. You are both at fault. ...maybe you more than him according to the verses above. <br />
<br />
BTW ...what is up with quoting those verses from the OT?? You can stand by those after you watch a priest slaughter an animal in the Temple for your sins. LOL

He said I deserved this for not doing my part as a wife by not providing sex.<br />
<br />, it could be argued that he was trying to preserve his family by NOT divorcing you, and by having an affair with another who also was being denied sex... both were not looking to destroy their marriages... just to find in the arms of one another what they were being denied at home...

Enjoy, its lots of fun.

Yeah, i'm thinking about the affair thing, just to release some sexual tension. Been with my wife nearly forever, she's a great person, just lost interest in sex. Not sure why. Also, I asked her best girlfriend how I might fix things. She suggested I get her lingerie. So I did. Might have been the solution, but she didn't tell me about how to "present" the lingerie to her without making her apparently feel unworthy, and basically like a **** (or so it seemed). I am convinced having an affair would be something she would welcome me doing. I travel the world constantly, and begining to think she may have figured I was boinking around the globe. What the heck.

Sorry to heve to say this, but the bible is most of your problem. It's used be all kind of liars to give themselves an aire of legitimacy. Just look at G.W. for one example. The bible's working out real well for the catholic priests, huh? Throw the fairy tale book out the window and start thinking for yourself.

Do you feel that your not doing your part? The point is, there are marriages out there that are sexless and as much as it may hurt at times for the other spouse, thehardest part is looking at it on the side who is going to go else where to fullfill the need. The are reasons why woman or men don't provide the need for the spouse, the bottom line is, its not being met. So he or she will look else where to get that fullfilled. when a coupe gets married, it is said that it is sealed by consumation, if it isn't met within a certain time then the marriage can be annulled. Now when sex is being withheld for some unforseen reason, then the same thing should still be applied. I think its cruel when the need isn't being met. I spoke with a friend of mine who told me that rather than going else where to look to have your needs met, why not ********** instead? well its tru to the point but we all know its not the same thing. Its the tactile contact that humans need. The need to be wanted and desired. That doesn't mean that if you let your other half go without sex for a month or two he or she should go out and find it else where. But when you are left without it for years then somthing has to be done. You are left between a rock and a hard place in keeping within your marriage vows, for better for worse. Saying you deserved it because you didn't give into him is a cruel remark and a cheap shot. the thing having the line of comunication open between you two is important. there for there is no suprises. So the question is, what are we suppose to do?

"He said I deserved this for not doing my part as a wife by not providing sex." You think otherwise? LOL

I think if we looked at this with the idea that there is two sides of the coin. Now this isn't written with the idea of condoning nor putting somthing like this down. Humans first hand have this need that drives them to make such decissions as cheating. Its not so much the idea of sex, its getting away with it. hense the term the journey verses the destination. granted there have been alot of spouses who have been hurt and they can not be second guessing whther or not they are putting out or not. This a two sided situation. Doesn't matter who is at fault. The wrong thing to do is to start pointing fingers at those who you feel deserve to be cheated on because they weren't sexual or sexy enough.<br />
the bottom line is beefore you lay judgement on those who streyed or those who have been cheated, try walking in there shoes, think about what you are saying before you think you know enough to accuse the cheaters and those who have been betreyed.

WOW... what a find.<br />
<br />
I was talking to my girlfriend the other day (we're both married, met on the internet & have never been within 5000 miles of each other (yet) but we met on a forum& are now falling in... in.. ummm... falling way the fv<k deep into some seriously genuine emotional bond... but anyway I jokingly said we should find a "cheaters" forum because we keep thinking of new ideas like pre-paid cell phones, secret P.O. boxes, or starting our own chat room... just to find new ways to spend quality time together because we both live in sexless marriages with people we love... & choose to make some sacrifices for... but do not choose to abstain from sex forever...<br />
<br />, it is amazing that we feel loved, understood, respected, & once again feel the ability to GIVE love respect & understanding to someone who lives for that, thrives on that melts for us in response to that... and this without meeting face to face.. <br />
<br />
I gotta go invite her here now...

You are have done justice to the topic on Adultery!! I pray after I was found out and both of us adulterers have paid the price! She was divorced and I because I had not had *** with the woman spared! Bit I was given a choice either TOE thE LINE OR LOSE YOUR SON! I HAVE NO CHOICE but to hang in as it were. But my sex life has been horrid and I am UNFULFILLED and when I wa having the affair atleast someone understood what I was going throughand my NEEDS! I have been open with my wife as to my needs before and after the affair but she doesnt care and never makes an effort to initiate any physical contact! I end up relieving myself and thats NOT HEALTHY AT ALL! <br />
<br />
I amresigned to my fate and if there is someone out there who is as ***** as me and caged do know that you are NOT ALONE. I feel VERY CHEAP when I TELL MY WIFE THAT i WOULD LIKE TO HAVE *** and NOTHING IS FORTHCOMING....... iT IS SO DEMEANING!! Whats WORSE IS WHEN a story/event/movie depicts adultery you sit there unable to comment as you have been there! You are then SUBTLY reminded of your GROSS TRANGRESSION and you take it as YOU HAVE NO OPTION!!! For the righteous IT IS A CASE OF YOU DESERVE THIS!! WHAT IF IT WERE YOU? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? PUT YOURSELF IN THE PLACE OF US WHO ARE AFFECTED; IT ISNT PLEASANT OR FAIR.

You judgmental, calculating, frigid *****.<br />
<br />
You ******* hold out sex as a tool to get what you want. Then you want the man to remain managamous. **** that. You need to loose the panties. You're just pissed because you can't control the monopoly you want to have on sex.<br />
<br />
There is no cheating; if you're not keeping him exausted by being a total **** then don't be suprised when he gets it elsewhere.<br />
<br />
Sorry to be harsh, but you need to admit you are wrong, forgive and forget, quit whining and loose the panties. Go say you're sorry and give him a bj.<br />
Then find out what makes him hot and do it.

Let's not take this to the bible, reality shows us what is wrong, and what is not.<br />
<br />
And in this case, as the writer (internetsluts) shows, cheating is WRONG. Absolutely. But you cannot just blame it on the guy, as both mike3380 and bkick actually explain. Perhaps you should go over it, try to think if you're making a mistake. If you're not, I just hope your "husband" will feel bad forever.

I agree with LaSenorita that cheating's not OK. However I miss the intimacy of a close sexual relationship. So after many years of sexless marriage following my wife's stroke and being her family carer, what are my options? She is seriously disabled, relies very much on me and would be devastated if I left her and asked for a divorce. I fantasise that it would be great to find a woman in a similar position to myself for an absolutely discreet understanding intimate relationship of mutual support.

Ummm.... if he was getting the sex he wanted from you, if he was getting the physical affection then he wouldn't need it from some strange woman... and so you cheated first by cheating him out of a sex life.<br />
<br />
Period... now go .

Any woman who would use sex as a weapon deserves no more respect than the rapist who does the same thing. Both are despicable, and deserve all the woes karma may visit upon them. Similarly cursed are the pontificating ******** who wrap a cloak of religion around their own prejudices to justify their condemnation of anything outside their narrow world view. May they all gnaw at each others' livers. Just be happy!

ZoroMan, you might be surprised to know that I actually agree with you about religious extremists. There are a lot of strange and even disturbing things in the Bible. But to selectively focus on the worst of it is every bit as bad as those who pick out only the good parts.<br />
<br />
I wish more people would read the Bible. All of it, the good and the bad. The overall message is a positive one, but also one that displays the weakness and even venality of humanity. The bad parts aren't enough to condemn religion, and the good parts aren't enough to justify much of what is done in the name of religion. The overall message, though, is one of faith and love, one that is easily overlooked and forgotten, even by many professed Christians.

What a self centered *****! His cheating had nothing to do with you and to think otherwise is pure vanity. I am sure he is quite capable of cheating and satisfying your sexual needs too.<br />
<br />
There is no reason to cheat, because we don't need a reason to cheat. Cheating is fun and very gratifying for the ego.<br />
<br />
Instead of hosting a pity party for yourself, you should have given him a high five for scoring and told him what a stud he is. Then if you wanted to be possessive, playfully grabbed him and said something like I want this all to myself.<br />
<br />
What is with the conditional love? You should accept him for who he is.

There are MANY Bible passages that convey things that the current Christian Nut Cases do NOT want anyone to read... because it does not fit in with THEIR idea of what GOD wants or how GOD thinks... They think they know how GOD thinks or what God wants. THAT is ignorance! And they pick ONLY those stories and they want to hear over and over again from the Bible(s). here is Genesis 6 --- "Now it came about, when men began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them, that the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose." ..... Soooooo, the Bible says---- Sons of GOD had sex with earth women and when you read further the offspring were GIANTS.... Who were these SONS of GOD??? why are the religious nut cases NOT sighting this passage?

Zoroman, your question about the Sons of God or the Sons of Man depending on the exegesis of the Hebrew or Greek passage, is a good one. To answer it properly I would have to first say that it can only be answered with in the context of the Bible itself, that is, there are no texts that it references or refers to. Secondly, it must fit into a consistent interpretation of the text, specifically, as you point out, the BIble is not to be interpreted a verse at a time, but as an entire book. The interpreter cannot change his method to get the outcome that he desires.

That said, one must understand the book of Genesis that it comes from and the story therein, the 5 books of the Law known as the Pentateuch of which Genesis is one, and finally , it must be interpreted in light of Jesus Christ and how he fulfilled and gave meaning to the passages of the Old Testament, for the bible asserts that Jesus is the "Word" of God and he himself asserted that the scriptures were fulfilled in him.

The passage you speak of has had many interpretations, some as bizarre as angels having sex with women and creating a race of giants. This cannot be the final interpretation as it does not flow with the context in which it resides and because there is no support for such a conclusion in the rest of the BIble. Of the many ways to interpret it, I think that the early theologian, Augustus of Hippo (Egypt) and the Reformers properly interpreted it. They properly point out that the book of Genesis begins the clear story of the "two cities—the city of God and the city of man" The city of God is the line from from which God would bring forth the redeemer of man—Jesus Christ. The city of man represents satan and the unregenerate (those already determined to receive the wrath of God). The city of man constantly fights against the City of God in efforts to overcome it.

That being said it is easier to see the the meaning most likely has to do with the giants being giants of men, that is, strong warriors and adversaries of God's laws that were in the land for a period of time. I would contend that Luther's interpretation of those that fathered them being the earlier seed of Satan (not demonic or spiritual but those men who by the fact that they reject God, worship Satan).

IF we are to be candid we have to conclude that there are other possible interpretations, all of which do not end up with a bizarre conclusion that fits nowhere into the Bible. I don't think it will help to talk about the Hebrew as it is a language with great variability. The Greek Septuagint, translated from the Hebrew, must be interpreted with the understanding that the text is more limited.

I do believe that the BIble is God's only written letter to man. In it, God delivers the message that man is sinful and in need of a Savior to redeem him from his fall into evil. It then predicts the Savior through prophecy and historical events confirmed in later books or the New Testament, and reports his appearance. Men now reside on this side of the Cross while those that lived in the day of Genesis lived before the arrival and work of the Savior.

You are right to say that no man can know what God thinks. God is the only being that occupies eternity. He lives outside of time. He is so vast that the work of his hands, a mere creature, could never come close to understanding his whole.

He has, however stooped low in love to reveal that about him which is in the Bible. And those things CAN be known.

As for your last passage, why are the religious nut cases not citing the passage, I would respond that it serves ho purpose to cite it in reference to marriage, unless you also wish to cite the extensive references to marriage in Genesis, Leviticus, Exodus, Proverbs, some prophets, and the vast about mentioned in the first and second letters of Paul to the Corinthians. There are other references as well.

If I haven't answered sufficiently, let me know. Peace.

Amen buddy, a few months back this question came up, so after careful research, I had come to the same conclusion on this bible passages. Good job at explaining this.

What I don't get is, what the hell has the Bible to do with people having affairs?
I have re- read this thread and all I see is the self- rightesnous of a wronged woman.
What I see us a couple who shouldn't have got married in the first place. She may think it was a loving marriage until the affair but that's the last thing it was.

hmm...<br />
<br />
You wouldn't have her e-mail address would you?

I don't think the story of Lot's daughters is intended as advice. In fact, much of the Old Testament is a chronicle of the sins and shortcomings of God's chosen people. To take a single passage on immorality from the Bible and use it to condemn Christian morality merely makes you look ignorant.

Yep, it was actually a lesson in what not to do. The guy is stupid.