Going To Have An Affair

I am definitely looking to having an affair. 7 years into my lonely marriage, I discovered that my husband is incapable of meaning ful type of communication. He finds conversing with my tortuous and draining. I used to take it personally, but now I understand about Aspergers, and how tortuous it is for him. He says he does not understand or process what people are saying, and as a result, just can not relate. When I try to talk to him he blurts out inappropriate and hurtful things. Now I am finding out, what I thought was love for me, was actually he neediness in wanting to latch on to somebody so they could take care of everything 100%. I feel like I've married a child.

Now, because of the hopelessness of the situation, I would very much like to have an affair. For once in my life, I want someone who desires me for who I am, and not because of what they proceive I can do for them. For once, I would like to be with a man of strength. Before my husband, I dated men that appeared to be self assured, but in the end, they were controlling and emotionally abusive, only trying to tear me down, to bring themselves back up.

When I met my husband, I knew something was off about him, but we had a lot of fun did a lot of things together. The relationship was shallow in nature, because we never really shared. He was so emotionally distant, and I was shocked when I moved to a new state, how he quit his job and showed up on my doorstep. It was really inappropriate. And too, I had a kid, so I was not very keen on having people live with me. He ignored my boundaries, and would invite his parents over my house for days. He did get an apartment, but he never turned on the electricity or got a phone number.

I misconstrued his neediness for love for me, and now, I am totally alone in this marriage. I long for true male companionship.

Eventually, our marriage is going to end, I know this.

survivor23 survivor23
36-40, F
128 Responses Oct 21, 2009

<p>A marriage is totally different from boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever you might call the relationship in an affair. Honestly, this will be unpopular, but I think affairs can be good for both genders. When you are with your boyfriend or girlfriend you leave the baggage of real life behind for a while and live in an idyllic situation. Most couples fail to leave the "stuff" outside of the bedroom, so the sensuality tends to disappear from marriage after a fairly short time. In your case, your husband needs real training in how to be in a relationship. Men are not naturals at relationships for the long-term. Men's minds work differently from women's. He may be salvageable, and so might the marriage, but it will require coaching. </p><p>Affairs are fun because they take you out of your world and into a near fantasy world.</p>
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Has the marriage ended? If so, I might be available soon.

I'm in the same situation right now. It's not just physical intimacy that's lacking. It's an emotional connection as well.

Now, three years later, I wonder how your life has proceeded. Do you do it?

For your own sake, I hope you decide to opt out of this kind of relationship. Forget the affair, just leave that fake love behind and you won't find yourself latching on to the first opportunity available and history repeating itself. Your marriage sounds draining and toxic to you and your child and the sooner its over the sooner you can move on to better options. Just one opinion though..

I talk from experience when i say that do not have the affair...think of you child, leave your husband if he makes u feel like that. my mother chose to have an affair she tough she'd never get caught, just an affair...a meaningless fling, with a man half her age. She claimed she stayed in the marriage for her children however she had the affair and it turn out not only to have affected her but also us her children in so many ways that i dont even want to talk about it. Any man or woman lookin to have an affiair if you have children dont do it. Because when the truth comes out ull be hated for it no matter what. my mother did have a marriage where there was no love she was forced into it when she was only 16 and she hated my father because he was violent and abusive to her. She more den anyone deserved to have a affair, i no its very inappropriate for me to say it in such a blunt manor but i think people need to hear the story from the third view...the childs. Do not forget u have the choice to leave think of the effect it will have on your child. sorry if i upset or offended anyone by this post. just want to be real n give my side of the story. x x x

I experienced the same feeling as yours a week ago. What attribute to this feeling is because my husband spends very little time with me and he is always at work. I knew a man called N in the internet. For the first week, I was really excited and always looking forward to replying and receiving e-mail from him and sometimes even have sleepless night. I did all this in discreet so not to let my husband finds out. I thought that as long as I don't have physical contact with him, it is not consider an affair. I was so naive. Even I don't see him and only correspond through the internet, I constantly feel guity and know that this is not right. I cannot imagine that if I were to see him, the emotional burden will be too much for me to bear. I give it a lot of thought and see that this type of relationship does not benefit me at all and the other party might just be taking advantage of the situation. I feel that I should work something out with my husband and evaluate our marriage whether it is worthwhile to salvage. My unhappiness does not justify me to have an affair and in the end I only forsee that I will be hurting my husband, children and carry the shame .If I want another relationship, I would have to settle my current situation before a new relationship can flourish without emotional burden.

I had an affair one time. She was beautiful and so sexy. After having the affair my feelings were bittersweet. I enjoyed the love she and I shared, but knew I couldn't be with her long term. She needed more than I could give her. She needed someone for herself. Although, I must admit the affair did me much good. It helped me cherish my relationship with my wife more. However, I do believe affairs are good for individuals from time to time. I do think being discrete to be certain your other half is not hurt is essential.

Oh, I'm sorry. I used to be in a similar predicament. Though I never opt for divorce and don't believe in it, maybe...it's the option for you. If you convey to your husband that you think your marriage will end, perhaps suggest some counseling, and he refuses to at least entertain the subject or speak to you in any meaningful way... then I'd say that it's better to be pro-active and get the divorce and put the dying horse out of his misery. That way, you can enter a new relationship with your conscious clear. He may take a lot from you, but don't let him take your morality as well. You can do it.

<p>I am married for 11 years now. I felt the same way on the 3rd year but I kept the marriage working because of friends and family and our daughter. But this year (around Aug) I met someone and fell completely in love with him. I am ready to divorce if this situation with this guy works out except I am having second thoughts bec of my daughter. So I'm confused right now. I tried to put up with my husband's inability to cherish me, but it has to end sometime. Don't cheat just to get even. Don't have an affair because you are lonely. BUT IF YOU ARE TRULY IN LOVE then it "might" be worth the headaches. I had other men before that approached me during my married life but no one has really prompted me to give up my vows until I GENUINELY fell in love with this "mystery" guy. You have to be really, truly, genuinely, purely in love to decide on these things because it will get messy and you have to be prepared and must be ALL WORTH IT. But I'm still torn because of my daughter. I hope our children realize how much we sacrifice for them. Just remember it has to be true love, for you and him. Both of you.</p>

similar situation with me.I left that man and now living alone happily

Divorce. Don't cheat. That's my advice. If you cheat you will have to deal with guilt which might be worse than you think.

Hit me up ill bust it open

Why don't you end your marriage so it won't be an affair since you know your marriage is going to end? You're looking for companionship which means you're going to fall in love. Are you looking for an affair to help end your marriage? Why go through that? Just go and end it. What are the difficulties in ending it?

I know this seams hard to understand but do try. He has aspergers. So basically what having an affair will do is seemingly nothing since aspies are naturally trusting. <br />
You feel used and walked on and unloved. Manipated. I get it. But think of this. His communication problem with you means he needs direct specific questions to answer not the way nurotypicals communicate at all.<br />
It is factual and stilted. Honest to a fault. Depending on his level of autism he could have low to no emotional intelegence. <br />
I suggest you woman up and tell him you want a divorce.<br />
aspies are also naturally clingy and socially lonely which is why after connecting w you he followed you home like a puppy . <br />
As pies can have trouble knowing where the social and personal boundaries are. Some just can't figure it out ever. <br />
If you are tired of feeling lonely while he appears fine then tell him its over and give him the number of a she alter or some place to go. Whatever behaviour you see after that will most likely be perfectly normal for a hurt aspire who is afraid or disturbed by their sudden loss. They don't cope well if at all.

If you do not love him anymore then it is better to divorce earlier than later, you say he has no job and is so distant, only wanting you to take care of him. That's not how a relationship works, love should be coming from both sides without any ulterior motives. I hope this doesn't sound mean, but it has to be said: your husband is only with you so you can take care of him. Yes, you have your fond memories but that was the past, we shouldn't be stuck in the past, we should live in the present and look forward for what our future will bring us. However, the thing that I see is that if you try to keep up a relationship and have an affair at the same time, it'll only bring much more grief in the future. It is best to divorce and look for someone new without the possibility to regret your decision to have an affair. I really hope everything works out for you.

Just be prepared to pay a heavy price. best cut him loose before you do it.

Story ok. What kind of person or woman are you? What kind of work do you do, have you tried to create time for you to be with your man enough? Do you cherish good man/woman relationship?<br />
<br />
Thanks for now.<br />
<br />
I am Idoremember.

yep i think you sgould start seeing someone else.or maby a girlfriend you can talk to. talking helps alot of the time

I need someone to coach me! if you find yourself saying this, and no one responds or comes to mind, email me, im here to help you. www.ineedamom.info

contact me on 9716180888

What did you do? Have you looked for someone?

Why be hurtful to someone else, be an adult and just get out of the marriage. I've been there done that and saw the look on her face when I did so. Now, I think she went out and had an affair and let me tell you, its not fun thinking another man had put himeself into my wife. Not a good feeling at all. My feeling about affairs, we are really doing it to hurt our spouses and nothing more. Can you say honestly if you love the man or not? I'd say no if your looking to do this, in which case, you shouldn't be married. Good luck.

Your husband has Aspergers Syndrome and you didn't realized it years well after you were married? You didn't have the slightest hint that there was something different about him? And now your solution is to go out and betray him (despite his medical condition) rather than being honest and getting a divorce?<br />
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I don't know what is more shocking -- your behavior and mode of thinking, or some of the advice the coconuts on this message board give to people like you!

every marriage ends whether it ends in divorce or in silence.the result is the same all around the world.people stay in marriage for varies reasons but not for love.after the honeymoon no sooner the divorce.to live in marriage is to live in an institution and a worst institution at that.the best of lovers have never meet.once the meeting takes place the love is gone and something is its place.everything becomes pale so the trill to search for the new

Hi, <br />
Sorry to learn of your situation..there probably wasn't any better way for you to handle your situation..will keep my fingers crossed for you & hope everything works out for you.<br />
There is one general question tho...when I was single and dating, it seemed like almost every woman I dated was just coming out of an abusive relationship...THAT is the worst thing any man can do...Now what drives me crazy is the world is full of really nice guys, and I'll pick on myself. I have been married three times, #1 very beautiful,<br />
didn't like to be touched by anyone, including me, we were married for nearly 28 years. I ended the marriage due lack of any closeness, holding hands was about it and sex was out of the question, she was raised that sex was only for pro creation and other wise dirty. t<br />
Wife #2 had more screws loose than a Studebaker, only I didn't catch on til after we were married..still she had some good traits<br />
Wife#3 is marvelous in many ways, I don't want to hurt her or leave her, in many ways I'm very lucky to have found her, there is plenty of hugging & kissing but there isn't any passion OR sex. there is no way I can get her interested, I have tried every thing. btw.. romantic music doesn't work if you are deaf..my wife is, I am heard of hearing..it seams the bulk of the problem is she has had so many female operations, everything is gone including the passion...I would like to have a special lady friend who like special treatment, kind, loving, abusive me???no. I do dishes, cook,( not too bad )...clean house, yard work, give back rubs, foot rubs and many other things, with so many good men out here why on Earth would a woman hook up with an abusive guy? I done kno...may be they tell good story.<br />
I love my wife but I love being intimate with a woman too..<br />
What do you think?

It sounds like you should definitely betray your husband. He's not giving you what you want, and you have to put yourself first, even if it means sneaking around behind his back, having sleazy motel sex with some crusty married guy who is willing to act like he loves you for what you are.

wow its shocking how similar our stories are! i as well have been prone to realtionships that are somewhat abusive. i too confuse neediness with love. when i met my ex husband he was fun and carefree. we had so much fun together but i thought something was off about him. i accidently got pregnant within a couple months of dating him and as a consequent, we decided to get married and give it a go. while dating he was a nice easy going guy. i just figured he needed some time to open up and be emotionally available. he never really understood what i was saying. conversations were flat. he seemed to go off on tangents and give little care to what i would say. he would go through severe highs and lows and take out everything he was frustrated with on me. i told him many times to seek professional help like i had for my issues. he never did. i felt like i didn't have a partner like i thought i would. he wasn't there for me and couldn't be. come to find out, he had a learning disability called auditory processing disorder. i felt bad that i felt mad at him because of this, but this doesn't change the void you feel. he became increasingly mean and controlling because he knew i was pulling away. i met the nicest handsomest man iv ever seen through a mutual friend during the last 6 months of my relationship with my ex husband. i never thought i would ever have an affair but i found myself extremely attached to this new man although i didn't let him know and i kept my cool. we got to know each other through months of talking and spending time together. we shared intimate thoughts and plans and found we had much, much in common. in the meantime, i began divorce proceedings with my husband because i didn't feel right about doing what i was doing. my new man filled voids i didn't know existed. we are a perfect match for each other and i never knew i could ever meet someone like this. i am happy to say we have been together solidly for a year and going strong. my divorce has been finalized and me and my ex are on very bad terms. everyday he tries to abuse me to get back at me but i don't care because i have a man that REALLY loves and supports me for being just ME. i don't have to prove anything and don't have to be perfect. i now have someone that listens to my innermost thoughts and loves me for all that i am, flaws included. a lot of people are judgemental about this and for good reasons although one size doesn't fit all and not all stories like this are the same. if you are looking outside of the marriage for sex reasons, please reconsider because sex isn't worth the betrayel an affair would cause. me and my new man never had sex while i was married although i did emotionally cheat which is often worse. if you truly are unhappy move on and get a divorce. if you find you are very very unhappy with your marriage and find you are with someone you dont' recognise, well i would say if you find someone else then go for it. it worked for me. johnny depp once said regarding having to chose between two mates; if you feel like you love two people and cant chose, pick the second one because if you truly loved the first one, you wouldn't even CONSIDER being with someone els. i find this to be extremely true. i am an extremely loyal partner who realized the person i married wasn't the person i married if you know what im saying. don't do things like this lightly and honestly if you aren't happy you should get divorced. but having said that, not all affairs end badly and make you a bad person.

I have some thoughts for you - <br />
<br />
Number 1 - You sound like you allow men to walk over you. In your marriage now, you relate how he moved to be close to you, did not turn on the power, etc., then moved in. What? If he was not what you wanted or needed in a man why would you let him in, let alone say, "I DO"? You need to evaluate your ability to pick the right guys, IMO. <br />
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Number 2 - Instead of having an affair, why not clean up your present mess and move on FIRST? You could have a clean divorce, get your feet on the ground, and then find all the men you want. Instead, you risk finding some man you really adore - one you met while cheating. He is probably cheating, too. So, then you have a relationship built up on cheating. Could you ever really trust him? Could he trust you? Why not do it right - dump your present error, get your life in line, then find the RIGHT guy. <br />
<br />
Number 3 - I am not against an affair, I just don't think you have it all together so that you don't end up burning everyone around you when the affair is found out. Be careful!

Well my story is probably very similar to many. My wife anmnounced to me 18 years ago that she no longer wanted sex. I urged her to talk to her doctor but she stubornly said that there was nothing wrong with her. I suggested conselling, same answer. She accosed me of being a sex fiend, wanting it all the time (once a month if I was lucky). She finally said one night after I pleaded with her for about an hour, "If you still need it, get it outside. Just don't tell me about it."<br />
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Since then I have found willing partners, many who don't get satisfied at home. I see nothing wrong in what I am doing.

You sound like a smart man. Outsourcing sex; I love it!

The way I see it their spouse or partner don't meet your needs. so when there needs are not matt, it causes a empty hole. so I think the partner trys to fill that hole with somebody else, instead of telling the other person about your needs. and there's the excitement to.

From the guys point of view, It tares a man up to think his wife betrayed him, it has happened to me in the past, but I find myself in the same position with 3 kids, my wife ignores me no matter how romantic I am, and believe me I'm no slug. I have an advanced medical degree and I can give my wife anything, I do everything she asks and I do everything the nurses tell me to do to get her attention, she knows I want her attention..... I have tried roses, babysitters and everything. I cheated on my wife and it made me realize I loved her. It can be a slippery slope.

Nothing weird but I am 19 male. My name is Aakash Trivedi. I am from California. You are a sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman and I would love to maybe give you my number? We can just talk and chat about anything. Any problems that you want to rant/vent about, tell me! If you ever feel bored or lonely? Again, nothing weird hahahaha. 1 408 772 8919. Text or call maybe? Just tell me who you are haha

i read your story and can very well understand how choked you feel in the marriage but before you think of divorce watch out cause when you are alone many men will take you to be an easy lay and who knows you end up being more miserable than now. what i would suggest is have a discreet affair with or without sex ( i feel it has to have sex if not the affair may not be complete for one of you ) try to make the affair with no strings attached maybe once you see that then you will get to understand your marriage better . i do not know if it the 8 year hitch which i read about many a times..................take your time do not be in a haste i know how easy to say and difficult to follow...............still i feel take one thing at a time................

If you are anywhere near Raleigh nc my wife wants me to find a GF

Why don't you end it now and get someone else?

I'm right there with you. I'm prematurely entering the unhappy zone. I need sex I need a man that wants me and needs it ad bad as i do. A man that cuddles, like to display his love for me. I want an affair just as bad but it feels wrong just thinking about it. Its an outlet but it's risky and it hurts more than that person. It hurts you. I have yet to do it but it feels wrong thinking about it. I love this man but im young and very impatient unfortunately your married but im not i can get out of it. I've dated someone for the fear of hurting them in the expense of my happiness but now i have a baby that joins us. My child is my everything but better to have 2 separate happy parents than 2 miserable parents. Hope you see the light. Divorce before you declare yourself available.

I really feel for you. My own marriage not so dissimilar - no physical communication or sex. In my case another guy has fallen for me and has been very persistent and I have been having an affair. It has awakened feelings which I have never had but it is not a 'solution' as affairs are rarely NSA or that simple - either you or he will get more involved and then your marriage will end. I don't think I realised how emotionally draining the affair itself would be - another level of complication despite all the wonderful feelings involved too. But you deserve love and affection.

It would seem that if two people who are married end up helping each other fill the void that existed in their sexless marriage it could work out. A lot of the reason behind having this type of affair it being able to handle 80% of the marriage they may be in. The hardest part, short of just getting divorced is the loss of self esteem along the way as the non participating sexual partner tries to make you feel unattrative and undesireable. I love my wife and do more than my share in this relationship. I f severe loss of sexual desire and feeling dead as a woman because of the menopause (as she puts it being the reason) then she really shouldn't care and accept it, since she is more than capable of knowing how to respond intimately to get what she want.<br />
Again it is not about just having a quickie with me. I want to feel the passion of a naked woman next to me, see her naked , kiss her , touch her , orallly please and arouse her and let nature takes it's course and if the ending is inside then that would be the bonus. I am so starved for things about my heart aches and wishes someone would come along that could handle this type of arrangement too.<br />
Wouldn't it be nice to know that , as the man or the woman , when the self esteem drops and you are feeling unwanted and unsatisfied , need the boost that intimacy can provide , that someon is there to help and be with (whenever it can be) to keep that part of you alive. I realy think this could work for me, anf I do believe there are many woman out there who have consider it.

It sounds to me like he would not do anything if you had an affair and he found out. Seems like he is too dependent upon you. If you have an affair it can still be damaging to you because you may look at yourself as if you have done something wrong. If you are going to have an affair, be okay with who you are and what you are doing before you do it. Hope however things work out that it works out well for you.

I am so sorry to hear about this. If he isn't on medication and going to therapy, get out as quickly as possible. If he is and there isn't any change, it's time to move forward without him. You don't need him and it is destroying your life and those close to you.

Get out of this relationship? YES!! Before you enter into another you may want to consider examining the reasons why you tend to gravitate toward needy and/or emotionally unavailable men. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you wrote you already knew he was "off and emotionally distant". You also knew the relationship was shallow. What did you expect to change after you and he were married? I don't mean to sound crass, I seek to understand that's all. I would strongly advise you against having an affair. I suggest you end this marriage if you feel that change is improbable and move on with your life. In order for you to find what you NEED you may want to do some self introspection to change your constellation of thoughts regarding how you see yourself and how you want others (particularly men) to see you. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.

Don't waste anymore of your life with this one. So many selfish people use disorders as excuses and even those who are genuine will play that card for all it is worth. Send him packing back to mummy and if anyone has an issue tell them you have babysat for x amount of years for £0 and one evening you woke up and thought enough is enough. Forget the affair you know it is going to end so end it already! I am familiar with the crap you have endured and glad to be free! I look back and wish I would have gone sooner. You have an affair and get caught the whole divorce is your fault! Do you have issues being alone? is that why you are procrastinating?

I think that the most important is to have good comminucation and the lack of this important element will end the relation.

My first thought and from experience, I hope that you will discover why you pick controlling people to have a relationship with. I had an affair and had no closer. I was just text 'Thank you and goodbye'. Without closure I am finding that it is really hard to get over someone you had feeling for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, I would get a divorce first. Get yourself a relationship coach before you involve another person in an affair. Take care and first get to know yourself.

My first thought and from experience, I hope that you will discover why you pick controlling people to have a relationship with. I had an affair and had no closer. I was just text 'Thank you and goodbye'. Without closure I am finding that it is really hard to get over someone you had feeling for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, I would get a divorce first. Get yourself a relationship coach before you involve another person in an affair. Take care and first get to know yourself.

whats the point when your affair would be eventually be caught out leading to pain for everyone around you, have kids? think of your kids before you cheat. at least have the decency to try and seperate with him before having an affait

well if your ever lonely let me know jr98278@yahoo.com

Hi , i recently joined EP and I Swear I seriously feel relaxed and lighten up after reading your experiences. I got married six months back and already started feeling that my husband have a greedy looks on each and every gals he come across,since i even caught him chatting with gals and having sex on webcam . After knowing about his damn ******* habbits i am totally shattered in life. I know the fact that its long way to go for life. i am just 26years old and dont have kids ,but still i am 100% loyal till now to my husband just for the sake of not spoiling the image of my and his family. But after seeing the true colours of my husband i regret for being wth such person. Wenever i catch up with my old friends ,they really make me feel special and leave me with the feeling that i deserve much better person than him since he has cheated on me after marriage.In fact somehow i lost that trust on him and damn sure that he will never change.<br />
Some of my old guy friends also conveyed me that there are three type of person 1. Some guys are always greedy for sex and for them sex is evrey thing they keep hunting for new gals through out their life 2. Guys who have responsibilties and for the matter of fact and with the increasing responsibilties after marriage they decide to be loyal 3. One man show and loyal through out their life.. i think my husband is from category 1.<br />
However i took a stand henceforth that i cannot continue wth sch person who is really not capable to take forward our relationship further. rather than spoiling my entire future side by side i am saving for my futurea and creating backup for the worst scenario..."People please share your thoughts on the same "

Savia - Wow, six months into a marriage and he has cheated on you ? I don't think that you should have any reservations about ending the marriage. Having an affair won't serve to "fix" anything. You won't feel better. He won't change. Although a spouse's role in a marriage is to champion both their spouse and the marriage it is not at their own personal expense unless that is their desire..... you should not feel compelled to lessen yourself to fix anything here.... so, IMHO, work towards improving your life and achieving your life goals - it shouldn't be to serve as a doormat for his desires / life-goals.
Best of luck.

if you don't love your partner than don't be whit him its a simple answer ,but its not an easy thing to go about

Maybe I’m just crazy but in my opinion your best bet would be to find someone on this site, after all who better knows the pain and agony you are suffering. Everyone here knows how you feel and are either getting out of their terrible empty relationships or having affairs. I know that I would rather be with someone who can appreciate the pain I have suffered, someone who can relate. I doubt very much that you would have to worry about not being wanted.

my wife and I make better friends than lovers. its like I married my best friend, thats great but when it comes to sex I ended up with a shy uninterested school girl. she is a great person, but she treats sex as if it is something dirty. other than that she is great so that is just my lot in life . I do get lucky at least once every couple of months . so life goes on. she pick me after she couldn't have two others she wanted. so third times the charm.lol

If you are that unhappy, by all means, go for the gusto. Sounds like your relationship has been dead for sometime. I call that constructive divorce.

Wow! It sounds like you really need to start thinking about moving on. I'm not going to judge you like most and say that you shouldn't have an affair, but I think it is only a short term solution & may bring even more pain to your life. If you're single, you can play the field a little. ba<x>sed on the way you described your relationship history, it sounds like you may gravitate towards the wrong type of guy for you.

I live in GA , lets have some fun.

wud love to meet such a thought filled lady,i cud deff see us enjoying each others company! im very srry about ur situation,its sad such a obvious lady with such deserving sexual erges needs to b satified!! thats just a small incite to wat ive read, want to no more?

Yeah, Aspergers is tough to deal with [and completely impossible to "fix"]. He is what he is and it will never change - divorcing him will be a wise move IMHO.... otherwise you will simply be used to fulfill his needs w/o any social respect or recognition on his part.<br />
Its a shame that he is wired this way but, again, that's the way it is [and its a fundamental part of him].<br />
Best of luck.

Well go for it sweetie....It sounds like you have tried to please him but that has not worked.....Yes go and have an affair cos what I really think you want is also a good shag with a guy to make you *** over and over to also ease your sexual frustration. Yo go for it and also get a good lay from it..

You sound deserving of one! Please be free.......

Just be assured; you're not alone.....

Hello everyone, I am new here. I hope that I do not overstep any boundaries or hurt anyone with anything I will say. <br />
First) I, like some, dont have much love for divorce attorneys. I know what their job is, but I find somehow, if there are kids, the kids always lose. I hope that makes sense.<br />
<br />
Second) aspbergers, I dont think I spelled that right. Anyhow, I have a coworker who's stepson has this. WOW!! He is such a nice, sweet kid. But, there is a side that alot dont see. Alot is hidden, and hidden well. Not being devious when hidden, its just a learned response ,another self preservation technique. It hides what the person truly is like and how they act. Which, obviously is how a person is perceived. and judged for relationships. I sorry you did not see who he actually is. <br />
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third) an affair. They always seem so naughty, and kinky. There is this mystery about them that is portrayed in movies and books. They are always made out to be the sexiest, hottest thing, and everyone needs to have one.... ahhh sarcasm..lol The child in me says 'hell no!!' My blood father slept with anything that would, well, open her legs. But the adult in me wants a better look at the situation. If you know your marriage 'will end' then maybe take that step. I know, it is not like walking down to the market and buying a loaf of bread. My parents divorced and it was not pretty. But, it may be the best thing, it will relieve the pain of such a sad, lonely marriage. It can be the start of something new. <br />
On the other side, I met a man two years ago. I took what he said 'with a grain of salt'...not because I didnt believe him, but because that is who I am. (lots of years of dating dorks...) He said he and his wife were falling apart for atleast 5 years, but he stayed because of the kids (4) he 'lived' in the ba<x>sement, sex if there was any was maybe every 6 months, it was a cold, emotionless, pointless marriage. We met a few times and it was sweet. He was the most gentlemanly man I had ever met. We held hands, talked about anything, sat watching the stars, he would sit beside me arm around me...everything sweet and kind. We actually didnt have sex. I could tell then that he was not a cad. Someone out for as much booty as he can get. <br />
Eventually she found out and kicked him out. There is alot more to this. But, I asked him if it was worth it. He said I was. So, we have been together this whole time. We have had ups and downs. He is still going through divorce process, and that is the worst part. The stress of all the divorce crap. I think that is the hardest part if someone does have an affair. (whether its an emotional or sexual affair doesnt matter) Is the end result worth having the affair(s)? Or would it just be easier on everyone, including yourself, if the marriage was ended? <br />
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Please think of all factors, remembering yourself. And listen to that little voice inside you.

call me

To Survivor, you are a survivor. (Makes me think of that song)...Well, I can identify with what you are talkig about. Most of the problems in my relationship are a result of my husband's health problems. he has arthritis, fybromyalgia, etc. He has claimed the pain keeps him from being able to concentrate to get his GED. Thus, he doesn't even have his high school diploma, while I attended alw school. In fact, Im an attorney. And no I didnt take offense to your avoiding attys and the legal drama. <br />
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My husband's family and upbringing was also compltely diffent than mine. Thus, we communicate completely different, especially as time has gone on. I understand what yu say about feeling like yur doing 100% of the work. Yet, You have it worse. I can only admit to maybe 60-70% of the work. My husband does attempt to care for our daughter, housekeeping, and maintenance. I still love my husband, but I could not endure the lack of affection and intimacy.<br />
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I met a great guy on www.ashleymadison.com. It is mostly a site for married people to have an affair, but there are a few single people on there looking for fun. You can stay on AM free as a guest (as the woman) if yu play your cards right. There are not many choices out there. And dont put your pic right on front for everyone to see. Theres alot of men on the site that travel for business.<br />
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Im not saying Im encouraging yu to have an affiar. Its a very difficult decision. But also seeing as how, you will most likely get a divorce, and your situation with your husband, I can understand why you need to have one. Yu can message me if you want to talk.

Sorry to tell you this. An affair is dirty and you will be dirty. Do the decent thing and get a divorce. You might meet someone who suits you. If you have an affair, what do you think your suitors will think of you. Dirty. Possibly carrying an STD. Get a divorce.

you have the right to be happy...and feel fulfiiled...you owe that to yourself. <br />
You feel like his care-taker and feel responsible for your husband...a marriage should be so much more than that...<br />
I have been in a one-sided marriage for a while and even though it scared the hell out of me initially...it took about 4 months to finally get on there...I got onto AM. I found the love of my life there. I feel so much happier in my marriage...I am a better mother...I am happy and excited about living...This man has seriously changed my life in ways I never thought possible. <br />
He is everything my husband isn't which makes it easier to deal with now at home. I feel whole and complete and really like there is nothing missing in my world anymore...and I absolutely love it. <br />
You need to live a good quality of life...it's important...happiness is enormous...so whatever you need to get there...just do that for yourself...it's time for you to be happy...xo

Also .. be careful of your husband. My sister has been living with a man with Aspergers for 15 years and what developed as a loving relationship soon became more of a caregiving relationship. She is more of a mother and life coach than loving partner. She doesn't leave because she is older and he provides a roof over her head. But he can be very nasty and she walks on egg shells when around him. She has no other choice, but if you do go for your freedom.

Good luck to you! Just be careful with affairs. There are plenty of men out there who will say anything to get laid. Don't get sucked into it. Take your time and find someone who you connect with on other levels as well.

A woman might think that she can change a man, in most cases you can't. If you are not happy and have tried everything, all emotions cry out to leave. If you have an affair, be ready to deal with the guilt unless you have a complete break from your other partner.

i dont think the affair is the answer.........think of long term happiness not a short satisfaction.........if your marriage has more negative than positive and those negative cant be improved i think you should consider maybe divorce....good luck!

Couldn't you just divorce him and then DATE, you know, what is socially acceptable? That way you won't have to sneak around, or hurt people's feelings (ok, your husband may be hurt by a divorce, idk but at least you won't have to hurt the person you cheat on your husband with if you are actually dating).

Apparently you are young or immature. You have children and don't want them to go through a divorce. Lady wake up and smell the roses, coffee, or bull____ your feeding yourself. Those children are not going to be happy in that house living in lies. You seem to have no idea how smart your children are. They may not know what , but they know something is not right. <br />
So you are going to take care of yourself and not worry about your commitment to your husband or your children,what is wrong with you. You may have married a loser,or you may have contributed to him being a loser. Do you really try to talk to him or at him.Contrary to what most like to believe most marriages or relationships don't fail because of one person,usually both contribute at least some to the problem. There just aren't that many perfect people !!<br />
Do the right thing end your marriage or have him agree that you can have an affair and move on from there! Think of someone beside yourself,no said life is always fair !

Why don't you get a divorce? Affairs are horribly traumatic and cruel. Do the right thing and get a divorce. You are obviously not happy in the marriage, so an affair is not going to fix your predicament.

I wonder how you are doing. Looking at all of your trauma I can only wonder if an affair would be better served as entertainment rather than an exit stradegy. Rest and recreation unfortuantly there is also guilt and divorce attorneyes that can put a bit on that for people who have affairs. Hope all is well with you.

The longer you put off leaving him..... well, you are only prolonging your agony (I believe). Life is too precious to wait. We can't turn the hourglass over an recapture time.

I am so sorry and feel your pain. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am searching my girlfriend ,

I feel so sorry for you. I know what you are going through. My wife kicked me out but did not divorce me in 1989. I wound up living less than a half a mile away so I was expected to go there from work; yes to be with my child but also to do things around the house like a regular husband then go to my home and be faithful to her. Well, I met someone and we had a brief affair but she was smart and didn't stay with a married man and I realized, too, that it wasn't fair to her So five years after the separation I got a divorce - but still lived that half mile away. Fortunately, for me anyhow, I met my late wife and a sale of the house I was rooming in, happened. My late wife wouldn't let me move in with her just yet but I had to move. Only after almost a year apart from my ex did I move in with and finally marry my third wife.

please respond with a yes, and I will come over and do you proper.,,,..,. no regrets.....

i know for myself that many of us never just decide to have an affair or to cheat. that step came after a long period of feeling forgotten, ignored and unloved, not wanted, not cared for, not useful. Sometimes i think we get so caught up in the mundane routines of a relationship we forget to do thoughtful things, and to try to excite our partners. it is hard for me to be in a relationship and i don't get the opportunity to be romantic, it is hard to be with someone who finds it hard to love or is now learning how to. i understand that many of us grew up differently in terms of what goes on in our households, i didn't come from a loving household and i hated as a result to be touched, hugged , complimented etc. but my first boyfriend stood through all of that and taught me. now i would hug anything that to me needed one lol. i am very caring, very in touch and always willing. it is hard for someone like me, someone like that, to be in a relationship where those things are fighting to exist. <br />
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so yes some of us, at some point just need that all enveloping 'touch' which has really nothing to do with sex. the way i see it, it's about feeling vulnerable but safe again, being silly but knowing that you are not judged and all those great things. it is always sad when someone cheats, but sadder still when the person being cheated on never notices the change, or the constant recurring pain that is caused by their own lack of awareness. if you love, love with your all. give your all, give of yourself, not necessarily of things. when the scales are unbalanced it is sometimes the most horrible and debilitating experience to have to live day in and out.

No judgments here, you deserve to be happy, but are you sure an affair is the solution for you?<br />
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You said "For once in my life, I want someone who desires me for who I am, and not because of what they proceive I can do for them"...unless you get to know someone first and they want you for you, then you won't achieve your goal...in fact, you will achieve the opposite with a casual affair... they will be with you because of what you can do for them.

my son is Autistic. He is one of the most loving caring People I know! I think maybe you just married some one who is just not right for you. the Best thing you can do is be Honest with him! Tell him its not working. Go with a clear Heart! Some times Relation ships just don't work out !!<br />
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Hopefully you do not have any Children, there the one who suffer the most!!!<br />
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i say do what you need to we all deserve the right to be satisfied help yourself tthere are plenty of guys n girls that do it! x

there is nothing worse than a Loveless Realationship. SEX at its core, is the most important thing in a partner ship.. when things are bad in our every day life, one can go home and loose him self with her! I Do not claim to know women! But I know one thing, when she stops respecting him its over for her.. all Of us men need to Remember? a woman love is a Gift!!! he needs to earn it each and every day.. he needs to wake every morning, and think of a way to make her smile..<br />
This man thinks all woman are a gift to man... I feel for her, she sounds like a woman who would give you the world!! all she asks for is a man with Honor/ passion, and respect. this guy could be loosing the best thing in his life. <br />
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there is nothing worse than a Loveless Realationship. SEX at its core, is the most important thing in a partner ship.. when things are bad in our every day life, one can go home and loose him self with her! I Do not claim to know women! But I know one thing, when she stops respecting him its over for her.. all Of us men need to Remember? a woman love is a Gift!!! he needs to earn it each and every day.. he needs to wake every morning, and think of a way to make her smile..<br />
This man thinks all woman are a gift to man... I feel for her, she sounds like a woman who would give you the world!! all she asks for is a man with Honor/ passion, and respect. this guy could be loosing the best thing in his life. <br />
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it's true that having an affair will make it even worst and you will end up the gangster. it's never an excuse, no matter what. Extramarital affair may be the only valid reason for a divorce-in the eyes of God and men. if you don't feel good about your marriage anymore, it's either you do something to make it work again, or file a divorce to make it legal. these are the only two best choices. why not communicate the problem again to your partner, and help him help himself to work for the relationship. both of you must work for it. perhaps the relationship needs a total re-engineering. give yourselves 6 months, pray for it, have a sense of focus, after which if it really doesn't work, then it's time to part ways. at least both of you have given the last chance to save it. perhaps something good will come out within six months.

well we all are in the same boat how i miss smiles intimacy sex and doing things togather,, dam,,, im also lookin to line someone up,, starting a new life in another town is not as hard as you think,, get some money togather,, rent the u-haul,, john

Commenting on survivor's story, I think every family has a member that hasn't broken from the aprin strings. they had everything handed to them and the funny thing is they are still treated like a little boy. I have a brother like that and he still lives at home. He is 9 years older than me and we always gotten into arguments about why he hasn't made a life for him, then it dawned on me as to why. I hate to put a label on those who think that woamn are only good for one thing, which is to waite on them hand and foot. Its a two way journey. When you are missing the important part of a relationships like what you told, then you get desperate enough to find what you have been missing. I have read stories about this and I have exsperineced this sexless marriage and the fact is I still am. So I do everything to keep myself busy, with work, keep myself occupied with some sort of recreation and do what I can to keep myself from going bonkers. There is a very special lady I am very drawned to, that I met on here and she has kept me grounded and keeping me from going stir crazy. I exspressed to her how I feel about her. The distance from one another is quite a ways. She knows that I do love her and care very much for her saftey and so on. She is causious and I understand that but I am beginning to feel that she is feeling the same way I am.<br />
I didn't come here to find some one, rather the reverse. I felt that I have lived a life where I could share and help those who are struggling, they are very special to me and I adore the friends I do have. The botom line is, we are human and we do need that tactile contact. The notion of being wanted and desired because we need that in part of what so assencial to continue to function like a normal human being.

Why not just divorce, etc., this man and move on with a man that appreciate and love you for who you are.... Btw.. communication is the key to any stable relationship. QQ... If you feel that you deserve better.... "It's your move.'

...forgot to mention...my husband lied to me about many many things including having children w/ other women and having an STD...it floored me...I just can't look at him the same. He knows this. He also has a temper. Its always the 'seemingly sweet ones'.... I feel so empty and alone and I speak of divorce all the time....HIS response is, "well we can divorce and just be roomates".... !!!??? what? How is that supposed to solve anything....<br />
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Peopel with Asperger's just don't think reasonably.

I too am in a simular situation...I only dated two guys, both losers, last one threatened to kill me. So when I met my (now husband) it was a breath of fresh air...I too noticed this 'oddness' about him....but he was so sweet (now I realize he was clingy) but when you arent used to someoen being even nice to you you tend to ignore the red flags and just go with the flow...<br />
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In anycase, time went on and I too dove into researching WHY and WHAT was going on and since my brother has Asperger's it wasnt long until I suspected my husband did as well. He even agrees with me when I brought it to his attention. I too, feel liek I am married to a child. He has no clue how to interact with another (me) on a personal/intimate or respectful manor. He lacks basic common sense- though he is an electrician.....I waste SO much breath and energy and well being on communicating with him. He will agree things need to change, then not change anything...seriously I KNOW how you feel......<br />
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I am not in a position to leave, I am depressed and have alot to work on to bring myself to a better emotional state as I dont even currently work due to the depression, but I NEED companionship. Its a vicious circle...I am also too, thinking about a fling....BUT what I really want is to my soulmate to find me and rescue me and live happily ever after....However, due to lack of self esteem I know it will never happen....I am shy and meek and I would never persue anyone or lie to them. I cant see any man falling so deeply in love with me and accepting that I am married and then 'rescuing me' and asking me to leave my husband for him...its a pipe dream.....<br />
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I just can't leave my husband and be alone, I have to line someone else up first. I am too dependant do to an abused childhood..... UGH. Life sucks for me right now.....<br />
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At least looks like you are heading in the right direction...it may get worse and lonlier initially , but it will be well worth it in the end once you find someoen you can truely be happy with...

well from a mans point of view, i am single and enjoying my life here in the UK, i went internet dating a few months ago and found about half of the women i have been seeing are married! they dont want a relationship just some good male company who takes their time, cares for them, seduces them and delivers what they want. They often still care for thier husbands and family but are bored / restless/ unloved etc. <br />
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Yes, i am what you would call a 'pla<x>yer' but having been married - for a long time - then in a lovely relationship which failed - she couldnt commit - i find myself lost in a world of unloved women. i am nearly 50 and get about three offers a week! To those who say wait / sort it out etc all i can say is it often wont change and if it does its a short term change not long term.<br />
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My advice, be discreet, be careful, find the right person you trust and enjoy yourself, life is too short and on your gravestone they dont write - 'and was faithful!!! ' or 'she died sad and unloved!! '