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Going To Have An Affair

I am definitely looking to having an affair. 7 years into my lonely marriage, I discovered that my husband is incapable of meaning ful type of communication. He finds conversing with my tortuous and draining. I used to take it personally, but now I understand about Aspergers, and how tortuous it is for him. He says he does not understand or process what people are saying, and as a result, just can not relate. When I try to talk to him he blurts out inappropriate and hurtful things. Now I am finding out, what I thought was love for me, was actually he neediness in wanting to latch on to somebody so they could take care of everything 100%. I feel like I've married a child.

Now, because of the hopelessness of the situation, I would very much like to have an affair. For once in my life, I want someone who desires me for who I am, and not because of what they proceive I can do for them. For once, I would like to be with a man of strength. Before my husband, I dated men that appeared to be self assured, but in the end, they were controlling and emotionally abusive, only trying to tear me down, to bring themselves back up.

When I met my husband, I knew something was off about him, but we had a lot of fun did a lot of things together. The relationship was shallow in nature, because we never really shared. He was so emotionally distant, and I was shocked when I moved to a new state, how he quit his job and showed up on my doorstep. It was really inappropriate. And too, I had a kid, so I was not very keen on having people live with me. He ignored my boundaries, and would invite his parents over my house for days. He did get an apartment, but he never turned on the electricity or got a phone number.

I misconstrued his neediness for love for me, and now, I am totally alone in this marriage. I long for true male companionship.

Eventually, our marriage is going to end, I know this.

survivor23 survivor23 36-40, F 133 Responses Oct 21, 2009

Your Response


<p>A marriage is totally different from boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever you might call the relationship in an affair. Honestly, this will be unpopular, but I think affairs can be good for both genders. When you are with your boyfriend or girlfriend you leave the baggage of real life behind for a while and live in an idyllic situation. Most couples fail to leave the "stuff" outside of the bedroom, so the sensuality tends to disappear from marriage after a fairly short time. In your case, your husband needs real training in how to be in a relationship. Men are not naturals at relationships for the long-term. Men's minds work differently from women's. He may be salvageable, and so might the marriage, but it will require coaching. </p><p>Affairs are fun because they take you out of your world and into a near fantasy world.</p>
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Has the marriage ended? If so, I might be available soon.

I'm in the same situation right now. It's not just physical intimacy that's lacking. It's an emotional connection as well.

Now, three years later, I wonder how your life has proceeded. Do you do it?

For your own sake, I hope you decide to opt out of this kind of relationship. Forget the affair, just leave that fake love behind and you won't find yourself latching on to the first opportunity available and history repeating itself. Your marriage sounds draining and toxic to you and your child and the sooner its over the sooner you can move on to better options. Just one opinion though..

I talk from experience when i say that do not have the affair...think of you child, leave your husband if he makes u feel like that. my mother chose to have an affair she tough she'd never get caught, just an affair...a meaningless fling, with a man half her age. She claimed she stayed in the marriage for her children however she had the affair and it turn out not only to have affected her but also us her children in so many ways that i dont even want to talk about it. Any man or woman lookin to have an affiair if you have children dont do it. Because when the truth comes out ull be hated for it no matter what. my mother did have a marriage where there was no love she was forced into it when she was only 16 and she hated my father because he was violent and abusive to her. She more den anyone deserved to have a affair, i no its very inappropriate for me to say it in such a blunt manor but i think people need to hear the story from the third view...the childs. Do not forget u have the choice to leave think of the effect it will have on your child. sorry if i upset or offended anyone by this post. just want to be real n give my side of the story. x x x

I experienced the same feeling as yours a week ago. What attribute to this feeling is because my husband spends very little time with me and he is always at work. I knew a man called N in the internet. For the first week, I was really excited and always looking forward to replying and receiving e-mail from him and sometimes even have sleepless night. I did all this in discreet so not to let my husband finds out. I thought that as long as I don't have physical contact with him, it is not consider an affair. I was so naive. Even I don't see him and only correspond through the internet, I constantly feel guity and know that this is not right. I cannot imagine that if I were to see him, the emotional burden will be too much for me to bear. I give it a lot of thought and see that this type of relationship does not benefit me at all and the other party might just be taking advantage of the situation. I feel that I should work something out with my husband and evaluate our marriage whether it is worthwhile to salvage. My unhappiness does not justify me to have an affair and in the end I only forsee that I will be hurting my husband, children and carry the shame .If I want another relationship, I would have to settle my current situation before a new relationship can flourish without emotional burden.

I had an affair one time. She was beautiful and so sexy. After having the affair my feelings were bittersweet. I enjoyed the love she and I shared, but knew I couldn't be with her long term. She needed more than I could give her. She needed someone for herself. Although, I must admit the affair did me much good. It helped me cherish my relationship with my wife more. However, I do believe affairs are good for individuals from time to time. I do think being discrete to be certain your other half is not hurt is essential.

Oh, I'm sorry. I used to be in a similar predicament. Though I never opt for divorce and don't believe in it,'s the option for you. If you convey to your husband that you think your marriage will end, perhaps suggest some counseling, and he refuses to at least entertain the subject or speak to you in any meaningful way... then I'd say that it's better to be pro-active and get the divorce and put the dying horse out of his misery. That way, you can enter a new relationship with your conscious clear. He may take a lot from you, but don't let him take your morality as well. You can do it.

<p>I am married for 11 years now. I felt the same way on the 3rd year but I kept the marriage working because of friends and family and our daughter. But this year (around Aug) I met someone and fell completely in love with him. I am ready to divorce if this situation with this guy works out except I am having second thoughts bec of my daughter. So I'm confused right now. I tried to put up with my husband's inability to cherish me, but it has to end sometime. Don't cheat just to get even. Don't have an affair because you are lonely. BUT IF YOU ARE TRULY IN LOVE then it "might" be worth the headaches. I had other men before that approached me during my married life but no one has really prompted me to give up my vows until I GENUINELY fell in love with this "mystery" guy. You have to be really, truly, genuinely, purely in love to decide on these things because it will get messy and you have to be prepared and must be ALL WORTH IT. But I'm still torn because of my daughter. I hope our children realize how much we sacrifice for them. Just remember it has to be true love, for you and him. Both of you.</p>

similar situation with me.I left that man and now living alone happily

Divorce. Don't cheat. That's my advice. If you cheat you will have to deal with guilt which might be worse than you think.

Hit me up ill bust it open

Why don't you end your marriage so it won't be an affair since you know your marriage is going to end? You're looking for companionship which means you're going to fall in love. Are you looking for an affair to help end your marriage? Why go through that? Just go and end it. What are the difficulties in ending it?

I know this seams hard to understand but do try. He has aspergers. So basically what having an affair will do is seemingly nothing since aspies are naturally trusting. <br />
You feel used and walked on and unloved. Manipated. I get it. But think of this. His communication problem with you means he needs direct specific questions to answer not the way nurotypicals communicate at all.<br />
It is factual and stilted. Honest to a fault. Depending on his level of autism he could have low to no emotional intelegence. <br />
I suggest you woman up and tell him you want a divorce.<br />
aspies are also naturally clingy and socially lonely which is why after connecting w you he followed you home like a puppy . <br />
As pies can have trouble knowing where the social and personal boundaries are. Some just can't figure it out ever. <br />
If you are tired of feeling lonely while he appears fine then tell him its over and give him the number of a she alter or some place to go. Whatever behaviour you see after that will most likely be perfectly normal for a hurt aspire who is afraid or disturbed by their sudden loss. They don't cope well if at all.

If you do not love him anymore then it is better to divorce earlier than later, you say he has no job and is so distant, only wanting you to take care of him. That's not how a relationship works, love should be coming from both sides without any ulterior motives. I hope this doesn't sound mean, but it has to be said: your husband is only with you so you can take care of him. Yes, you have your fond memories but that was the past, we shouldn't be stuck in the past, we should live in the present and look forward for what our future will bring us. However, the thing that I see is that if you try to keep up a relationship and have an affair at the same time, it'll only bring much more grief in the future. It is best to divorce and look for someone new without the possibility to regret your decision to have an affair. I really hope everything works out for you.

Just be prepared to pay a heavy price. best cut him loose before you do it.

Story ok. What kind of person or woman are you? What kind of work do you do, have you tried to create time for you to be with your man enough? Do you cherish good man/woman relationship?<br />
<br />
Thanks for now.<br />
<br />
I am Idoremember.

yep i think you sgould start seeing someone else.or maby a girlfriend you can talk to. talking helps alot of the time

I need someone to coach me! if you find yourself saying this, and no one responds or comes to mind, email me, im here to help you.

contact me on 9716180888

What did you do? Have you looked for someone?

Why be hurtful to someone else, be an adult and just get out of the marriage. I've been there done that and saw the look on her face when I did so. Now, I think she went out and had an affair and let me tell you, its not fun thinking another man had put himeself into my wife. Not a good feeling at all. My feeling about affairs, we are really doing it to hurt our spouses and nothing more. Can you say honestly if you love the man or not? I'd say no if your looking to do this, in which case, you shouldn't be married. Good luck.

Your husband has Aspergers Syndrome and you didn't realized it years well after you were married? You didn't have the slightest hint that there was something different about him? And now your solution is to go out and betray him (despite his medical condition) rather than being honest and getting a divorce?<br />
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I don't know what is more shocking -- your behavior and mode of thinking, or some of the advice the coconuts on this message board give to people like you!

every marriage ends whether it ends in divorce or in silence.the result is the same all around the world.people stay in marriage for varies reasons but not for love.after the honeymoon no sooner the live in marriage is to live in an institution and a worst institution at that.the best of lovers have never meet.once the meeting takes place the love is gone and something is its place.everything becomes pale so the trill to search for the new

Hi, <br />
Sorry to learn of your situation..there probably wasn't any better way for you to handle your situation..will keep my fingers crossed for you & hope everything works out for you.<br />
There is one general question tho...when I was single and dating, it seemed like almost every woman I dated was just coming out of an abusive relationship...THAT is the worst thing any man can do...Now what drives me crazy is the world is full of really nice guys, and I'll pick on myself. I have been married three times, #1 very beautiful,<br />
didn't like to be touched by anyone, including me, we were married for nearly 28 years. I ended the marriage due lack of any closeness, holding hands was about it and sex was out of the question, she was raised that sex was only for pro creation and other wise dirty. t<br />
Wife #2 had more screws loose than a Studebaker, only I didn't catch on til after we were married..still she had some good traits<br />
Wife#3 is marvelous in many ways, I don't want to hurt her or leave her, in many ways I'm very lucky to have found her, there is plenty of hugging & kissing but there isn't any passion OR sex. there is no way I can get her interested, I have tried every thing. btw.. romantic music doesn't work if you are wife is, I am heard of seams the bulk of the problem is she has had so many female operations, everything is gone including the passion...I would like to have a special lady friend who like special treatment, kind, loving, abusive me???no. I do dishes, cook,( not too bad )...clean house, yard work, give back rubs, foot rubs and many other things, with so many good men out here why on Earth would a woman hook up with an abusive guy? I done kno...may be they tell good story.<br />
I love my wife but I love being intimate with a woman too..<br />
What do you think?

It sounds like you should definitely betray your husband. He's not giving you what you want, and you have to put yourself first, even if it means sneaking around behind his back, having sleazy motel sex with some crusty married guy who is willing to act like he loves you for what you are.

How did the affair go?

wow its shocking how similar our stories are! i as well have been prone to realtionships that are somewhat abusive. i too confuse neediness with love. when i met my ex husband he was fun and carefree. we had so much fun together but i thought something was off about him. i accidently got pregnant within a couple months of dating him and as a consequent, we decided to get married and give it a go. while dating he was a nice easy going guy. i just figured he needed some time to open up and be emotionally available. he never really understood what i was saying. conversations were flat. he seemed to go off on tangents and give little care to what i would say. he would go through severe highs and lows and take out everything he was frustrated with on me. i told him many times to seek professional help like i had for my issues. he never did. i felt like i didn't have a partner like i thought i would. he wasn't there for me and couldn't be. come to find out, he had a learning disability called auditory processing disorder. i felt bad that i felt mad at him because of this, but this doesn't change the void you feel. he became increasingly mean and controlling because he knew i was pulling away. i met the nicest handsomest man iv ever seen through a mutual friend during the last 6 months of my relationship with my ex husband. i never thought i would ever have an affair but i found myself extremely attached to this new man although i didn't let him know and i kept my cool. we got to know each other through months of talking and spending time together. we shared intimate thoughts and plans and found we had much, much in common. in the meantime, i began divorce proceedings with my husband because i didn't feel right about doing what i was doing. my new man filled voids i didn't know existed. we are a perfect match for each other and i never knew i could ever meet someone like this. i am happy to say we have been together solidly for a year and going strong. my divorce has been finalized and me and my ex are on very bad terms. everyday he tries to abuse me to get back at me but i don't care because i have a man that REALLY loves and supports me for being just ME. i don't have to prove anything and don't have to be perfect. i now have someone that listens to my innermost thoughts and loves me for all that i am, flaws included. a lot of people are judgemental about this and for good reasons although one size doesn't fit all and not all stories like this are the same. if you are looking outside of the marriage for sex reasons, please reconsider because sex isn't worth the betrayel an affair would cause. me and my new man never had sex while i was married although i did emotionally cheat which is often worse. if you truly are unhappy move on and get a divorce. if you find you are very very unhappy with your marriage and find you are with someone you dont' recognise, well i would say if you find someone else then go for it. it worked for me. johnny depp once said regarding having to chose between two mates; if you feel like you love two people and cant chose, pick the second one because if you truly loved the first one, you wouldn't even CONSIDER being with someone els. i find this to be extremely true. i am an extremely loyal partner who realized the person i married wasn't the person i married if you know what im saying. don't do things like this lightly and honestly if you aren't happy you should get divorced. but having said that, not all affairs end badly and make you a bad person.

I have some thoughts for you - <br />
<br />
Number 1 - You sound like you allow men to walk over you. In your marriage now, you relate how he moved to be close to you, did not turn on the power, etc., then moved in. What? If he was not what you wanted or needed in a man why would you let him in, let alone say, "I DO"? You need to evaluate your ability to pick the right guys, IMO. <br />
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Number 2 - Instead of having an affair, why not clean up your present mess and move on FIRST? You could have a clean divorce, get your feet on the ground, and then find all the men you want. Instead, you risk finding some man you really adore - one you met while cheating. He is probably cheating, too. So, then you have a relationship built up on cheating. Could you ever really trust him? Could he trust you? Why not do it right - dump your present error, get your life in line, then find the RIGHT guy. <br />
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Number 3 - I am not against an affair, I just don't think you have it all together so that you don't end up burning everyone around you when the affair is found out. Be careful!

Very sad.