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Going To Have An Affair

I am definitely looking to having an affair. 7 years into my lonely marriage, I discovered that my husband is incapable of meaning ful type of communication. He finds conversing with my tortuous and draining. I used to take it personally, but now I understand about Aspergers, and how tortuous it is for him. He says he does not understand or process what people are saying, and as a result, just can not relate. When I try to talk to him he blurts out inappropriate and hurtful things. Now I am finding out, what I thought was love for me, was actually he neediness in wanting to latch on to somebody so they could take care of everything 100%. I feel like I've married a child.

Now, because of the hopelessness of the situation, I would very much like to have an affair. For once in my life, I want someone who desires me for who I am, and not because of what they proceive I can do for them. For once, I would like to be with a man of strength. Before my husband, I dated men that appeared to be self assured, but in the end, they were controlling and emotionally abusive, only trying to tear me down, to bring themselves back up.

When I met my husband, I knew something was off about him, but we had a lot of fun did a lot of things together. The relationship was shallow in nature, because we never really shared. He was so emotionally distant, and I was shocked when I moved to a new state, how he quit his job and showed up on my doorstep. It was really inappropriate. And too, I had a kid, so I was not very keen on having people live with me. He ignored my boundaries, and would invite his parents over my house for days. He did get an apartment, but he never turned on the electricity or got a phone number.

I misconstrued his neediness for love for me, and now, I am totally alone in this marriage. I long for true male companionship.

Eventually, our marriage is going to end, I know this.

survivor23 survivor23 36-40, F 133 Responses Oct 21, 2009

Your Response


Well my story is probably very similar to many. My wife anmnounced to me 18 years ago that she no longer wanted sex. I urged her to talk to her doctor but she stubornly said that there was nothing wrong with her. I suggested conselling, same answer. She accosed me of being a sex fiend, wanting it all the time (once a month if I was lucky). She finally said one night after I pleaded with her for about an hour, "If you still need it, get it outside. Just don't tell me about it."<br />
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Since then I have found willing partners, many who don't get satisfied at home. I see nothing wrong in what I am doing.

You sound like a smart man. Outsourcing sex; I love it!

The way I see it their spouse or partner don't meet your needs. so when there needs are not matt, it causes a empty hole. so I think the partner trys to fill that hole with somebody else, instead of telling the other person about your needs. and there's the excitement to.

From the guys point of view, It tares a man up to think his wife betrayed him, it has happened to me in the past, but I find myself in the same position with 3 kids, my wife ignores me no matter how romantic I am, and believe me I'm no slug. I have an advanced medical degree and I can give my wife anything, I do everything she asks and I do everything the nurses tell me to do to get her attention, she knows I want her attention..... I have tried roses, babysitters and everything. I cheated on my wife and it made me realize I loved her. It can be a slippery slope.

Nothing weird but I am 19 male. My name is Aakash Trivedi. I am from California. You are a sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman and I would love to maybe give you my number? We can just talk and chat about anything. Any problems that you want to rant/vent about, tell me! If you ever feel bored or lonely? Again, nothing weird hahahaha. 1 408 772 8919. Text or call maybe? Just tell me who you are haha

surely you knew he was incapable of "meaningful conversation" before you married him...

i read your story and can very well understand how choked you feel in the marriage but before you think of divorce watch out cause when you are alone many men will take you to be an easy lay and who knows you end up being more miserable than now. what i would suggest is have a discreet affair with or without sex ( i feel it has to have sex if not the affair may not be complete for one of you ) try to make the affair with no strings attached maybe once you see that then you will get to understand your marriage better . i do not know if it the 8 year hitch which i read about many a times..................take your time do not be in a haste i know how easy to say and difficult to follow...............still i feel take one thing at a time................

If you are anywhere near Raleigh nc my wife wants me to find a GF

Why don't you end it now and get someone else?

I'm right there with you. I'm prematurely entering the unhappy zone. I need sex I need a man that wants me and needs it ad bad as i do. A man that cuddles, like to display his love for me. I want an affair just as bad but it feels wrong just thinking about it. Its an outlet but it's risky and it hurts more than that person. It hurts you. I have yet to do it but it feels wrong thinking about it. I love this man but im young and very impatient unfortunately your married but im not i can get out of it. I've dated someone for the fear of hurting them in the expense of my happiness but now i have a baby that joins us. My child is my everything but better to have 2 separate happy parents than 2 miserable parents. Hope you see the light. Divorce before you declare yourself available.

I really feel for you. My own marriage not so dissimilar - no physical communication or sex. In my case another guy has fallen for me and has been very persistent and I have been having an affair. It has awakened feelings which I have never had but it is not a 'solution' as affairs are rarely NSA or that simple - either you or he will get more involved and then your marriage will end. I don't think I realised how emotionally draining the affair itself would be - another level of complication despite all the wonderful feelings involved too. But you deserve love and affection.

It would seem that if two people who are married end up helping each other fill the void that existed in their sexless marriage it could work out. A lot of the reason behind having this type of affair it being able to handle 80% of the marriage they may be in. The hardest part, short of just getting divorced is the loss of self esteem along the way as the non participating sexual partner tries to make you feel unattrative and undesireable. I love my wife and do more than my share in this relationship. I f severe loss of sexual desire and feeling dead as a woman because of the menopause (as she puts it being the reason) then she really shouldn't care and accept it, since she is more than capable of knowing how to respond intimately to get what she want.<br />
Again it is not about just having a quickie with me. I want to feel the passion of a naked woman next to me, see her naked , kiss her , touch her , orallly please and arouse her and let nature takes it's course and if the ending is inside then that would be the bonus. I am so starved for things about my heart aches and wishes someone would come along that could handle this type of arrangement too.<br />
Wouldn't it be nice to know that , as the man or the woman , when the self esteem drops and you are feeling unwanted and unsatisfied , need the boost that intimacy can provide , that someon is there to help and be with (whenever it can be) to keep that part of you alive. I realy think this could work for me, anf I do believe there are many woman out there who have consider it.

It sounds to me like he would not do anything if you had an affair and he found out. Seems like he is too dependent upon you. If you have an affair it can still be damaging to you because you may look at yourself as if you have done something wrong. If you are going to have an affair, be okay with who you are and what you are doing before you do it. Hope however things work out that it works out well for you.

I am so sorry to hear about this. If he isn't on medication and going to therapy, get out as quickly as possible. If he is and there isn't any change, it's time to move forward without him. You don't need him and it is destroying your life and those close to you.

Get out of this relationship? YES!! Before you enter into another you may want to consider examining the reasons why you tend to gravitate toward needy and/or emotionally unavailable men. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you wrote you already knew he was "off and emotionally distant". You also knew the relationship was shallow. What did you expect to change after you and he were married? I don't mean to sound crass, I seek to understand that's all. I would strongly advise you against having an affair. I suggest you end this marriage if you feel that change is improbable and move on with your life. In order for you to find what you NEED you may want to do some self introspection to change your constellation of thoughts regarding how you see yourself and how you want others (particularly men) to see you. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.

Don't waste anymore of your life with this one. So many selfish people use disorders as excuses and even those who are genuine will play that card for all it is worth. Send him packing back to mummy and if anyone has an issue tell them you have babysat for x amount of years for £0 and one evening you woke up and thought enough is enough. Forget the affair you know it is going to end so end it already! I am familiar with the crap you have endured and glad to be free! I look back and wish I would have gone sooner. You have an affair and get caught the whole divorce is your fault! Do you have issues being alone? is that why you are procrastinating?

I think that the most important is to have good comminucation and the lack of this important element will end the relation.

My first thought and from experience, I hope that you will discover why you pick controlling people to have a relationship with. I had an affair and had no closer. I was just text 'Thank you and goodbye'. Without closure I am finding that it is really hard to get over someone you had feeling for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, I would get a divorce first. Get yourself a relationship coach before you involve another person in an affair. Take care and first get to know yourself.

My first thought and from experience, I hope that you will discover why you pick controlling people to have a relationship with. I had an affair and had no closer. I was just text 'Thank you and goodbye'. Without closure I am finding that it is really hard to get over someone you had feeling for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, I would get a divorce first. Get yourself a relationship coach before you involve another person in an affair. Take care and first get to know yourself.

whats the point when your affair would be eventually be caught out leading to pain for everyone around you, have kids? think of your kids before you cheat. at least have the decency to try and seperate with him before having an affait

well if your ever lonely let me know

Hi , i recently joined EP and I Swear I seriously feel relaxed and lighten up after reading your experiences. I got married six months back and already started feeling that my husband have a greedy looks on each and every gals he come across,since i even caught him chatting with gals and having sex on webcam . After knowing about his damn ******* habbits i am totally shattered in life. I know the fact that its long way to go for life. i am just 26years old and dont have kids ,but still i am 100% loyal till now to my husband just for the sake of not spoiling the image of my and his family. But after seeing the true colours of my husband i regret for being wth such person. Wenever i catch up with my old friends ,they really make me feel special and leave me with the feeling that i deserve much better person than him since he has cheated on me after marriage.In fact somehow i lost that trust on him and damn sure that he will never change.<br />
Some of my old guy friends also conveyed me that there are three type of person 1. Some guys are always greedy for sex and for them sex is evrey thing they keep hunting for new gals through out their life 2. Guys who have responsibilties and for the matter of fact and with the increasing responsibilties after marriage they decide to be loyal 3. One man show and loyal through out their life.. i think my husband is from category 1.<br />
However i took a stand henceforth that i cannot continue wth sch person who is really not capable to take forward our relationship further. rather than spoiling my entire future side by side i am saving for my futurea and creating backup for the worst scenario..."People please share your thoughts on the same "

Savia - Wow, six months into a marriage and he has cheated on you ? I don't think that you should have any reservations about ending the marriage. Having an affair won't serve to "fix" anything. You won't feel better. He won't change. Although a spouse's role in a marriage is to champion both their spouse and the marriage it is not at their own personal expense unless that is their desire..... you should not feel compelled to lessen yourself to fix anything here.... so, IMHO, work towards improving your life and achieving your life goals - it shouldn't be to serve as a doormat for his desires / life-goals.
Best of luck.

if you don't love your partner than don't be whit him its a simple answer ,but its not an easy thing to go about

Maybe I’m just crazy but in my opinion your best bet would be to find someone on this site, after all who better knows the pain and agony you are suffering. Everyone here knows how you feel and are either getting out of their terrible empty relationships or having affairs. I know that I would rather be with someone who can appreciate the pain I have suffered, someone who can relate. I doubt very much that you would have to worry about not being wanted.

my wife and I make better friends than lovers. its like I married my best friend, thats great but when it comes to sex I ended up with a shy uninterested school girl. she is a great person, but she treats sex as if it is something dirty. other than that she is great so that is just my lot in life . I do get lucky at least once every couple of months . so life goes on. she pick me after she couldn't have two others she wanted. so third times the

If you are that unhappy, by all means, go for the gusto. Sounds like your relationship has been dead for sometime. I call that constructive divorce.

Wow! It sounds like you really need to start thinking about moving on. I'm not going to judge you like most and say that you shouldn't have an affair, but I think it is only a short term solution & may bring even more pain to your life. If you're single, you can play the field a little. ba<x>sed on the way you described your relationship history, it sounds like you may gravitate towards the wrong type of guy for you.

julietromeo...sorry but i had to say that wtf was hilarious!

I live in GA , lets have some fun.

wud love to meet such a thought filled lady,i cud deff see us enjoying each others company! im very srry about ur situation,its sad such a obvious lady with such deserving sexual erges needs to b satified!! thats just a small incite to wat ive read, want to no more?

Yeah, Aspergers is tough to deal with [and completely impossible to "fix"]. He is what he is and it will never change - divorcing him will be a wise move IMHO.... otherwise you will simply be used to fulfill his needs w/o any social respect or recognition on his part.<br />
Its a shame that he is wired this way but, again, that's the way it is [and its a fundamental part of him].<br />
Best of luck.