Going To Have An Affair

I am definitely looking to having an affair. 7 years into my lonely marriage, I discovered that my husband is incapable of meaning ful type of communication. He finds conversing with my tortuous and draining. I used to take it personally, but now I understand about Aspergers, and how tortuous it is for him. He says he does not understand or process what people are saying, and as a result, just can not relate. When I try to talk to him he blurts out inappropriate and hurtful things. Now I am finding out, what I thought was love for me, was actually he neediness in wanting to latch on to somebody so they could take care of everything 100%. I feel like I've married a child.

Now, because of the hopelessness of the situation, I would very much like to have an affair. For once in my life, I want someone who desires me for who I am, and not because of what they proceive I can do for them. For once, I would like to be with a man of strength. Before my husband, I dated men that appeared to be self assured, but in the end, they were controlling and emotionally abusive, only trying to tear me down, to bring themselves back up.

When I met my husband, I knew something was off about him, but we had a lot of fun did a lot of things together. The relationship was shallow in nature, because we never really shared. He was so emotionally distant, and I was shocked when I moved to a new state, how he quit his job and showed up on my doorstep. It was really inappropriate. And too, I had a kid, so I was not very keen on having people live with me. He ignored my boundaries, and would invite his parents over my house for days. He did get an apartment, but he never turned on the electricity or got a phone number.

I misconstrued his neediness for love for me, and now, I am totally alone in this marriage. I long for true male companionship.

Eventually, our marriage is going to end, I know this.

survivor23 survivor23
36-40, F
129 Responses Oct 21, 2009

From the guys point of view, It tares a man up to think his wife betrayed him, it has happened to me in the past, but I find myself in the same position with 3 kids, my wife ignores me no matter how romantic I am, and believe me I'm no slug. I have an advanced medical degree and I can give my wife anything, I do everything she asks and I do everything the nurses tell me to do to get her attention, she knows I want her attention..... I have tried roses, babysitters and everything. I cheated on my wife and it made me realize I loved her. It can be a slippery slope.

Nothing weird but I am 19 male. My name is Aakash Trivedi. I am from California. You are a sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman and I would love to maybe give you my number? We can just talk and chat about anything. Any problems that you want to rant/vent about, tell me! If you ever feel bored or lonely? Again, nothing weird hahahaha. 1 408 772 8919. Text or call maybe? Just tell me who you are haha

surely you knew he was incapable of "meaningful conversation" before you married him...

i read your story and can very well understand how choked you feel in the marriage but before you think of divorce watch out cause when you are alone many men will take you to be an easy lay and who knows you end up being more miserable than now. what i would suggest is have a discreet affair with or without sex ( i feel it has to have sex if not the affair may not be complete for one of you ) try to make the affair with no strings attached maybe once you see that then you will get to understand your marriage better . i do not know if it the 8 year hitch which i read about many a times..................take your time do not be in a haste i know how easy to say and difficult to follow...............still i feel take one thing at a time................

If you are anywhere near Raleigh nc my wife wants me to find a GF

Why don't you end it now and get someone else?

I'm right there with you. I'm prematurely entering the unhappy zone. I need sex I need a man that wants me and needs it ad bad as i do. A man that cuddles, like to display his love for me. I want an affair just as bad but it feels wrong just thinking about it. Its an outlet but it's risky and it hurts more than that person. It hurts you. I have yet to do it but it feels wrong thinking about it. I love this man but im young and very impatient unfortunately your married but im not i can get out of it. I've dated someone for the fear of hurting them in the expense of my happiness but now i have a baby that joins us. My child is my everything but better to have 2 separate happy parents than 2 miserable parents. Hope you see the light. Divorce before you declare yourself available.

I really feel for you. My own marriage not so dissimilar - no physical communication or sex. In my case another guy has fallen for me and has been very persistent and I have been having an affair. It has awakened feelings which I have never had but it is not a 'solution' as affairs are rarely NSA or that simple - either you or he will get more involved and then your marriage will end. I don't think I realised how emotionally draining the affair itself would be - another level of complication despite all the wonderful feelings involved too. But you deserve love and affection.

It would seem that if two people who are married end up helping each other fill the void that existed in their sexless marriage it could work out. A lot of the reason behind having this type of affair it being able to handle 80% of the marriage they may be in. The hardest part, short of just getting divorced is the loss of self esteem along the way as the non participating sexual partner tries to make you feel unattrative and undesireable. I love my wife and do more than my share in this relationship. I f severe loss of sexual desire and feeling dead as a woman because of the menopause (as she puts it being the reason) then she really shouldn't care and accept it, since she is more than capable of knowing how to respond intimately to get what she want.<br />
Again it is not about just having a quickie with me. I want to feel the passion of a naked woman next to me, see her naked , kiss her , touch her , orallly please and arouse her and let nature takes it's course and if the ending is inside then that would be the bonus. I am so starved for things about my heart aches and wishes someone would come along that could handle this type of arrangement too.<br />
Wouldn't it be nice to know that , as the man or the woman , when the self esteem drops and you are feeling unwanted and unsatisfied , need the boost that intimacy can provide , that someon is there to help and be with (whenever it can be) to keep that part of you alive. I realy think this could work for me, anf I do believe there are many woman out there who have consider it.

It sounds to me like he would not do anything if you had an affair and he found out. Seems like he is too dependent upon you. If you have an affair it can still be damaging to you because you may look at yourself as if you have done something wrong. If you are going to have an affair, be okay with who you are and what you are doing before you do it. Hope however things work out that it works out well for you.

I am so sorry to hear about this. If he isn't on medication and going to therapy, get out as quickly as possible. If he is and there isn't any change, it's time to move forward without him. You don't need him and it is destroying your life and those close to you.

Get out of this relationship? YES!! Before you enter into another you may want to consider examining the reasons why you tend to gravitate toward needy and/or emotionally unavailable men. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you wrote you already knew he was "off and emotionally distant". You also knew the relationship was shallow. What did you expect to change after you and he were married? I don't mean to sound crass, I seek to understand that's all. I would strongly advise you against having an affair. I suggest you end this marriage if you feel that change is improbable and move on with your life. In order for you to find what you NEED you may want to do some self introspection to change your constellation of thoughts regarding how you see yourself and how you want others (particularly men) to see you. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.

Don't waste anymore of your life with this one. So many selfish people use disorders as excuses and even those who are genuine will play that card for all it is worth. Send him packing back to mummy and if anyone has an issue tell them you have babysat for x amount of years for £0 and one evening you woke up and thought enough is enough. Forget the affair you know it is going to end so end it already! I am familiar with the crap you have endured and glad to be free! I look back and wish I would have gone sooner. You have an affair and get caught the whole divorce is your fault! Do you have issues being alone? is that why you are procrastinating?

I think that the most important is to have good comminucation and the lack of this important element will end the relation.

My first thought and from experience, I hope that you will discover why you pick controlling people to have a relationship with. I had an affair and had no closer. I was just text 'Thank you and goodbye'. Without closure I am finding that it is really hard to get over someone you had feeling for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, I would get a divorce first. Get yourself a relationship coach before you involve another person in an affair. Take care and first get to know yourself.

My first thought and from experience, I hope that you will discover why you pick controlling people to have a relationship with. I had an affair and had no closer. I was just text 'Thank you and goodbye'. Without closure I am finding that it is really hard to get over someone you had feeling for. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, I would get a divorce first. Get yourself a relationship coach before you involve another person in an affair. Take care and first get to know yourself.

whats the point when your affair would be eventually be caught out leading to pain for everyone around you, have kids? think of your kids before you cheat. at least have the decency to try and seperate with him before having an affait

well if your ever lonely let me know jr98278@yahoo.com

Hi , i recently joined EP and I Swear I seriously feel relaxed and lighten up after reading your experiences. I got married six months back and already started feeling that my husband have a greedy looks on each and every gals he come across,since i even caught him chatting with gals and having sex on webcam . After knowing about his damn ******* habbits i am totally shattered in life. I know the fact that its long way to go for life. i am just 26years old and dont have kids ,but still i am 100% loyal till now to my husband just for the sake of not spoiling the image of my and his family. But after seeing the true colours of my husband i regret for being wth such person. Wenever i catch up with my old friends ,they really make me feel special and leave me with the feeling that i deserve much better person than him since he has cheated on me after marriage.In fact somehow i lost that trust on him and damn sure that he will never change.<br />
Some of my old guy friends also conveyed me that there are three type of person 1. Some guys are always greedy for sex and for them sex is evrey thing they keep hunting for new gals through out their life 2. Guys who have responsibilties and for the matter of fact and with the increasing responsibilties after marriage they decide to be loyal 3. One man show and loyal through out their life.. i think my husband is from category 1.<br />
However i took a stand henceforth that i cannot continue wth sch person who is really not capable to take forward our relationship further. rather than spoiling my entire future side by side i am saving for my futurea and creating backup for the worst scenario..."People please share your thoughts on the same "

Savia - Wow, six months into a marriage and he has cheated on you ? I don't think that you should have any reservations about ending the marriage. Having an affair won't serve to "fix" anything. You won't feel better. He won't change. Although a spouse's role in a marriage is to champion both their spouse and the marriage it is not at their own personal expense unless that is their desire..... you should not feel compelled to lessen yourself to fix anything here.... so, IMHO, work towards improving your life and achieving your life goals - it shouldn't be to serve as a doormat for his desires / life-goals.
Best of luck.

if you don't love your partner than don't be whit him its a simple answer ,but its not an easy thing to go about

Maybe I’m just crazy but in my opinion your best bet would be to find someone on this site, after all who better knows the pain and agony you are suffering. Everyone here knows how you feel and are either getting out of their terrible empty relationships or having affairs. I know that I would rather be with someone who can appreciate the pain I have suffered, someone who can relate. I doubt very much that you would have to worry about not being wanted.

my wife and I make better friends than lovers. its like I married my best friend, thats great but when it comes to sex I ended up with a shy uninterested school girl. she is a great person, but she treats sex as if it is something dirty. other than that she is great so that is just my lot in life . I do get lucky at least once every couple of months . so life goes on. she pick me after she couldn't have two others she wanted. so third times the charm.lol

If you are that unhappy, by all means, go for the gusto. Sounds like your relationship has been dead for sometime. I call that constructive divorce.

Wow! It sounds like you really need to start thinking about moving on. I'm not going to judge you like most and say that you shouldn't have an affair, but I think it is only a short term solution & may bring even more pain to your life. If you're single, you can play the field a little. ba<x>sed on the way you described your relationship history, it sounds like you may gravitate towards the wrong type of guy for you.

I live in GA , lets have some fun.

wud love to meet such a thought filled lady,i cud deff see us enjoying each others company! im very srry about ur situation,its sad such a obvious lady with such deserving sexual erges needs to b satified!! thats just a small incite to wat ive read, want to no more?

Yeah, Aspergers is tough to deal with [and completely impossible to "fix"]. He is what he is and it will never change - divorcing him will be a wise move IMHO.... otherwise you will simply be used to fulfill his needs w/o any social respect or recognition on his part.<br />
Its a shame that he is wired this way but, again, that's the way it is [and its a fundamental part of him].<br />
Best of luck.

Well go for it sweetie....It sounds like you have tried to please him but that has not worked.....Yes go and have an affair cos what I really think you want is also a good shag with a guy to make you *** over and over to also ease your sexual frustration. Yo go for it and also get a good lay from it..

You sound deserving of one! Please be free.......

Just be assured; you're not alone.....

Hello everyone, I am new here. I hope that I do not overstep any boundaries or hurt anyone with anything I will say. <br />
First) I, like some, dont have much love for divorce attorneys. I know what their job is, but I find somehow, if there are kids, the kids always lose. I hope that makes sense.<br />
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Second) aspbergers, I dont think I spelled that right. Anyhow, I have a coworker who's stepson has this. WOW!! He is such a nice, sweet kid. But, there is a side that alot dont see. Alot is hidden, and hidden well. Not being devious when hidden, its just a learned response ,another self preservation technique. It hides what the person truly is like and how they act. Which, obviously is how a person is perceived. and judged for relationships. I sorry you did not see who he actually is. <br />
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third) an affair. They always seem so naughty, and kinky. There is this mystery about them that is portrayed in movies and books. They are always made out to be the sexiest, hottest thing, and everyone needs to have one.... ahhh sarcasm..lol The child in me says 'hell no!!' My blood father slept with anything that would, well, open her legs. But the adult in me wants a better look at the situation. If you know your marriage 'will end' then maybe take that step. I know, it is not like walking down to the market and buying a loaf of bread. My parents divorced and it was not pretty. But, it may be the best thing, it will relieve the pain of such a sad, lonely marriage. It can be the start of something new. <br />
On the other side, I met a man two years ago. I took what he said 'with a grain of salt'...not because I didnt believe him, but because that is who I am. (lots of years of dating dorks...) He said he and his wife were falling apart for atleast 5 years, but he stayed because of the kids (4) he 'lived' in the ba<x>sement, sex if there was any was maybe every 6 months, it was a cold, emotionless, pointless marriage. We met a few times and it was sweet. He was the most gentlemanly man I had ever met. We held hands, talked about anything, sat watching the stars, he would sit beside me arm around me...everything sweet and kind. We actually didnt have sex. I could tell then that he was not a cad. Someone out for as much booty as he can get. <br />
Eventually she found out and kicked him out. There is alot more to this. But, I asked him if it was worth it. He said I was. So, we have been together this whole time. We have had ups and downs. He is still going through divorce process, and that is the worst part. The stress of all the divorce crap. I think that is the hardest part if someone does have an affair. (whether its an emotional or sexual affair doesnt matter) Is the end result worth having the affair(s)? Or would it just be easier on everyone, including yourself, if the marriage was ended? <br />
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Please think of all factors, remembering yourself. And listen to that little voice inside you.

call me

To Survivor, you are a survivor. (Makes me think of that song)...Well, I can identify with what you are talkig about. Most of the problems in my relationship are a result of my husband's health problems. he has arthritis, fybromyalgia, etc. He has claimed the pain keeps him from being able to concentrate to get his GED. Thus, he doesn't even have his high school diploma, while I attended alw school. In fact, Im an attorney. And no I didnt take offense to your avoiding attys and the legal drama. <br />
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My husband's family and upbringing was also compltely diffent than mine. Thus, we communicate completely different, especially as time has gone on. I understand what yu say about feeling like yur doing 100% of the work. Yet, You have it worse. I can only admit to maybe 60-70% of the work. My husband does attempt to care for our daughter, housekeeping, and maintenance. I still love my husband, but I could not endure the lack of affection and intimacy.<br />
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I met a great guy on www.ashleymadison.com. It is mostly a site for married people to have an affair, but there are a few single people on there looking for fun. You can stay on AM free as a guest (as the woman) if yu play your cards right. There are not many choices out there. And dont put your pic right on front for everyone to see. Theres alot of men on the site that travel for business.<br />
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Im not saying Im encouraging yu to have an affiar. Its a very difficult decision. But also seeing as how, you will most likely get a divorce, and your situation with your husband, I can understand why you need to have one. Yu can message me if you want to talk.

Sorry to tell you this. An affair is dirty and you will be dirty. Do the decent thing and get a divorce. You might meet someone who suits you. If you have an affair, what do you think your suitors will think of you. Dirty. Possibly carrying an STD. Get a divorce.

you have the right to be happy...and feel fulfiiled...you owe that to yourself. <br />
You feel like his care-taker and feel responsible for your husband...a marriage should be so much more than that...<br />
I have been in a one-sided marriage for a while and even though it scared the hell out of me initially...it took about 4 months to finally get on there...I got onto AM. I found the love of my life there. I feel so much happier in my marriage...I am a better mother...I am happy and excited about living...This man has seriously changed my life in ways I never thought possible. <br />
He is everything my husband isn't which makes it easier to deal with now at home. I feel whole and complete and really like there is nothing missing in my world anymore...and I absolutely love it. <br />
You need to live a good quality of life...it's important...happiness is enormous...so whatever you need to get there...just do that for yourself...it's time for you to be happy...xo

Also .. be careful of your husband. My sister has been living with a man with Aspergers for 15 years and what developed as a loving relationship soon became more of a caregiving relationship. She is more of a mother and life coach than loving partner. She doesn't leave because she is older and he provides a roof over her head. But he can be very nasty and she walks on egg shells when around him. She has no other choice, but if you do go for your freedom.

Good luck to you! Just be careful with affairs. There are plenty of men out there who will say anything to get laid. Don't get sucked into it. Take your time and find someone who you connect with on other levels as well.

A woman might think that she can change a man, in most cases you can't. If you are not happy and have tried everything, all emotions cry out to leave. If you have an affair, be ready to deal with the guilt unless you have a complete break from your other partner.

i dont think the affair is the answer.........think of long term happiness not a short satisfaction.........if your marriage has more negative than positive and those negative cant be improved i think you should consider maybe divorce....good luck!

Couldn't you just divorce him and then DATE, you know, what is socially acceptable? That way you won't have to sneak around, or hurt people's feelings (ok, your husband may be hurt by a divorce, idk but at least you won't have to hurt the person you cheat on your husband with if you are actually dating).

Apparently you are young or immature. You have children and don't want them to go through a divorce. Lady wake up and smell the roses, coffee, or bull____ your feeding yourself. Those children are not going to be happy in that house living in lies. You seem to have no idea how smart your children are. They may not know what , but they know something is not right. <br />
So you are going to take care of yourself and not worry about your commitment to your husband or your children,what is wrong with you. You may have married a loser,or you may have contributed to him being a loser. Do you really try to talk to him or at him.Contrary to what most like to believe most marriages or relationships don't fail because of one person,usually both contribute at least some to the problem. There just aren't that many perfect people !!<br />
Do the right thing end your marriage or have him agree that you can have an affair and move on from there! Think of someone beside yourself,no said life is always fair !

Why don't you get a divorce? Affairs are horribly traumatic and cruel. Do the right thing and get a divorce. You are obviously not happy in the marriage, so an affair is not going to fix your predicament.

I wonder how you are doing. Looking at all of your trauma I can only wonder if an affair would be better served as entertainment rather than an exit stradegy. Rest and recreation unfortuantly there is also guilt and divorce attorneyes that can put a bit on that for people who have affairs. Hope all is well with you.

The longer you put off leaving him..... well, you are only prolonging your agony (I believe). Life is too precious to wait. We can't turn the hourglass over an recapture time.

I am so sorry and feel your pain. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am searching my girlfriend ,

I feel so sorry for you. I know what you are going through. My wife kicked me out but did not divorce me in 1989. I wound up living less than a half a mile away so I was expected to go there from work; yes to be with my child but also to do things around the house like a regular husband then go to my home and be faithful to her. Well, I met someone and we had a brief affair but she was smart and didn't stay with a married man and I realized, too, that it wasn't fair to her So five years after the separation I got a divorce - but still lived that half mile away. Fortunately, for me anyhow, I met my late wife and a sale of the house I was rooming in, happened. My late wife wouldn't let me move in with her just yet but I had to move. Only after almost a year apart from my ex did I move in with and finally marry my third wife.

please respond with a yes, and I will come over and do you proper.,,,..,. no regrets.....

i know for myself that many of us never just decide to have an affair or to cheat. that step came after a long period of feeling forgotten, ignored and unloved, not wanted, not cared for, not useful. Sometimes i think we get so caught up in the mundane routines of a relationship we forget to do thoughtful things, and to try to excite our partners. it is hard for me to be in a relationship and i don't get the opportunity to be romantic, it is hard to be with someone who finds it hard to love or is now learning how to. i understand that many of us grew up differently in terms of what goes on in our households, i didn't come from a loving household and i hated as a result to be touched, hugged , complimented etc. but my first boyfriend stood through all of that and taught me. now i would hug anything that to me needed one lol. i am very caring, very in touch and always willing. it is hard for someone like me, someone like that, to be in a relationship where those things are fighting to exist. <br />
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so yes some of us, at some point just need that all enveloping 'touch' which has really nothing to do with sex. the way i see it, it's about feeling vulnerable but safe again, being silly but knowing that you are not judged and all those great things. it is always sad when someone cheats, but sadder still when the person being cheated on never notices the change, or the constant recurring pain that is caused by their own lack of awareness. if you love, love with your all. give your all, give of yourself, not necessarily of things. when the scales are unbalanced it is sometimes the most horrible and debilitating experience to have to live day in and out.

No judgments here, you deserve to be happy, but are you sure an affair is the solution for you?<br />
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You said "For once in my life, I want someone who desires me for who I am, and not because of what they proceive I can do for them"...unless you get to know someone first and they want you for you, then you won't achieve your goal...in fact, you will achieve the opposite with a casual affair... they will be with you because of what you can do for them.

my son is Autistic. He is one of the most loving caring People I know! I think maybe you just married some one who is just not right for you. the Best thing you can do is be Honest with him! Tell him its not working. Go with a clear Heart! Some times Relation ships just don't work out !!<br />
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Hopefully you do not have any Children, there the one who suffer the most!!!<br />
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i say do what you need to we all deserve the right to be satisfied help yourself tthere are plenty of guys n girls that do it! x

there is nothing worse than a Loveless Realationship. SEX at its core, is the most important thing in a partner ship.. when things are bad in our every day life, one can go home and loose him self with her! I Do not claim to know women! But I know one thing, when she stops respecting him its over for her.. all Of us men need to Remember? a woman love is a Gift!!! he needs to earn it each and every day.. he needs to wake every morning, and think of a way to make her smile..<br />
This man thinks all woman are a gift to man... I feel for her, she sounds like a woman who would give you the world!! all she asks for is a man with Honor/ passion, and respect. this guy could be loosing the best thing in his life. <br />
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there is nothing worse than a Loveless Realationship. SEX at its core, is the most important thing in a partner ship.. when things are bad in our every day life, one can go home and loose him self with her! I Do not claim to know women! But I know one thing, when she stops respecting him its over for her.. all Of us men need to Remember? a woman love is a Gift!!! he needs to earn it each and every day.. he needs to wake every morning, and think of a way to make her smile..<br />
This man thinks all woman are a gift to man... I feel for her, she sounds like a woman who would give you the world!! all she asks for is a man with Honor/ passion, and respect. this guy could be loosing the best thing in his life. <br />
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it's true that having an affair will make it even worst and you will end up the gangster. it's never an excuse, no matter what. Extramarital affair may be the only valid reason for a divorce-in the eyes of God and men. if you don't feel good about your marriage anymore, it's either you do something to make it work again, or file a divorce to make it legal. these are the only two best choices. why not communicate the problem again to your partner, and help him help himself to work for the relationship. both of you must work for it. perhaps the relationship needs a total re-engineering. give yourselves 6 months, pray for it, have a sense of focus, after which if it really doesn't work, then it's time to part ways. at least both of you have given the last chance to save it. perhaps something good will come out within six months.

well we all are in the same boat how i miss smiles intimacy sex and doing things togather,, dam,,, im also lookin to line someone up,, starting a new life in another town is not as hard as you think,, get some money togather,, rent the u-haul,, john

Commenting on survivor's story, I think every family has a member that hasn't broken from the aprin strings. they had everything handed to them and the funny thing is they are still treated like a little boy. I have a brother like that and he still lives at home. He is 9 years older than me and we always gotten into arguments about why he hasn't made a life for him, then it dawned on me as to why. I hate to put a label on those who think that woamn are only good for one thing, which is to waite on them hand and foot. Its a two way journey. When you are missing the important part of a relationships like what you told, then you get desperate enough to find what you have been missing. I have read stories about this and I have exsperineced this sexless marriage and the fact is I still am. So I do everything to keep myself busy, with work, keep myself occupied with some sort of recreation and do what I can to keep myself from going bonkers. There is a very special lady I am very drawned to, that I met on here and she has kept me grounded and keeping me from going stir crazy. I exspressed to her how I feel about her. The distance from one another is quite a ways. She knows that I do love her and care very much for her saftey and so on. She is causious and I understand that but I am beginning to feel that she is feeling the same way I am.<br />
I didn't come here to find some one, rather the reverse. I felt that I have lived a life where I could share and help those who are struggling, they are very special to me and I adore the friends I do have. The botom line is, we are human and we do need that tactile contact. The notion of being wanted and desired because we need that in part of what so assencial to continue to function like a normal human being.

Why not just divorce, etc., this man and move on with a man that appreciate and love you for who you are.... Btw.. communication is the key to any stable relationship. QQ... If you feel that you deserve better.... "It's your move.'

...forgot to mention...my husband lied to me about many many things including having children w/ other women and having an STD...it floored me...I just can't look at him the same. He knows this. He also has a temper. Its always the 'seemingly sweet ones'.... I feel so empty and alone and I speak of divorce all the time....HIS response is, "well we can divorce and just be roomates".... !!!??? what? How is that supposed to solve anything....<br />
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Peopel with Asperger's just don't think reasonably.

I too am in a simular situation...I only dated two guys, both losers, last one threatened to kill me. So when I met my (now husband) it was a breath of fresh air...I too noticed this 'oddness' about him....but he was so sweet (now I realize he was clingy) but when you arent used to someoen being even nice to you you tend to ignore the red flags and just go with the flow...<br />
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In anycase, time went on and I too dove into researching WHY and WHAT was going on and since my brother has Asperger's it wasnt long until I suspected my husband did as well. He even agrees with me when I brought it to his attention. I too, feel liek I am married to a child. He has no clue how to interact with another (me) on a personal/intimate or respectful manor. He lacks basic common sense- though he is an electrician.....I waste SO much breath and energy and well being on communicating with him. He will agree things need to change, then not change anything...seriously I KNOW how you feel......<br />
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I am not in a position to leave, I am depressed and have alot to work on to bring myself to a better emotional state as I dont even currently work due to the depression, but I NEED companionship. Its a vicious circle...I am also too, thinking about a fling....BUT what I really want is to my soulmate to find me and rescue me and live happily ever after....However, due to lack of self esteem I know it will never happen....I am shy and meek and I would never persue anyone or lie to them. I cant see any man falling so deeply in love with me and accepting that I am married and then 'rescuing me' and asking me to leave my husband for him...its a pipe dream.....<br />
<br />
I just can't leave my husband and be alone, I have to line someone else up first. I am too dependant do to an abused childhood..... UGH. Life sucks for me right now.....<br />
<br />
At least looks like you are heading in the right direction...it may get worse and lonlier initially , but it will be well worth it in the end once you find someoen you can truely be happy with...

well from a mans point of view, i am single and enjoying my life here in the UK, i went internet dating a few months ago and found about half of the women i have been seeing are married! they dont want a relationship just some good male company who takes their time, cares for them, seduces them and delivers what they want. They often still care for thier husbands and family but are bored / restless/ unloved etc. <br />
<br />
Yes, i am what you would call a 'pla<x>yer' but having been married - for a long time - then in a lovely relationship which failed - she couldnt commit - i find myself lost in a world of unloved women. i am nearly 50 and get about three offers a week! To those who say wait / sort it out etc all i can say is it often wont change and if it does its a short term change not long term.<br />
<br />
My advice, be discreet, be careful, find the right person you trust and enjoy yourself, life is too short and on your gravestone they dont write - 'and was faithful!!! ' or 'she died sad and unloved!! '

OMG why do the people who want a great relationship, with a great sex life get hooked up with the wrong people?

I think Latina and Wix is right and if you go out to have fun with men then it will lead to an Affair.<br />
Didn't you know what he was like when you married him? Seven years is not that long, I've always heard about the 7 year itch. Does he help support you financially at all.

want an affair? I want one too.

I'm a man, a husband to a wonderful wife, thing don't have to go this way, i mean the words "affair", me and liz was discussing about our sex dives, after 10 year of married it think every couple are the same, just not "hot" anymore, after few times of discussion and imaging things while have sex, i allowed her to meet her school mate which they like each other before!<br />
<br />
The out come is fantastic! she went out with the guy and have sex with him, she do told me all the detail about the night! now i feel my wife more sexy and she did want to have sex with me more often, it really improve our married life and there is no cheating in this case, right guys? open it up to talk, it can turn things around! this is my experience!<br />
<br />

I understand you very well, bcause I am in the same situation.<br />
My wife lost interest in sex. She is just obsessed about money and our children future, and she always thinking about that, all day, non stop.<br />
A few months ago I found a friend who was studying with me in the same institute. Her husband is suffering from serious Diabetis illness and sexually he is not good and on top of that he is getting very abussived with her.<br />
She is a nurse and work afternoon and night shift. I am an engineer and I am working a lot of afternoon shift as well, so for us was very easy to meet several times in the evening to share a cup of coffee and talk.<br />
Our attraction was bigger and bigger, until one day before we return to our homes, we started hugging each others with desire. The next evening we decide to go all the way and we book a motel.<br />
It was the most wonderful moment of intimacy we had together. It was so marvellous.<br />
We decided to keep our relationship in secret. It was easy to see each others in secret, due to our working hours. She is my perfect lover and I am her perfect lover too. We love each others so much that, we are thinking to tell the truth to our families one of these days.<br />
<br />

Why should you have to get either a divorce or enter into a secretive affair? If your husband is unwilling to see to your emotional and physical needs, inform him you will be seeking someone who can fill those needs for you, not as a cheating affair but an open and above board lover. You should not have to resort to subterfuge and lying... The situation is not of your creation. Be truthful, put the ball in his court. If he doesn't change and at least attempt to make things better, then and only then look to separate. In this manner you will give him the opportunity to grow and develop instead of conforming to a static existence. It may also add a bit of zing to his life and he will see you with new eyes. However, if he is the violent type get out of the relationship immediately and look for new horizons. They are always out there, you know.

I've read everything above from beginning to #37... I like this place. No judgments, just heartfelt advise. I nodded to many comments that I agreed with. And here I am commenting when I thought I'd just be nodding. <br />
<br />
From 1997 to 2006, I asked my husband to go to marriage counseling with me. Having children changed everything for us. He wouldn't go. I tried to work on the marriage alone for 9 years. I am a great communicator. He is not. During those nine years I began to struggle with depression because I felt so trapped and so alone. I always made sure I didn't expect my husband to be a mind-reader. I always made sure to ask for what I needed if. But nothing ever changed. It scared me to think "if marriage is til death do us part, then this is all I have to look forward to until the grave".<br />
<br />
Below is an excerpt from my Journal of January 2006 - seven months before i moved out of my home and separated from my husband... and one month before I had my first affair... and five months before I had my second. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and have separated from my husband before those affairs. I would give anything because I hurt my husband beyond measure when my eldest son discovered the affair. My eldest son who at least for now still hates me over 3 years later for destroying our family. Because that's all he sees. And I understand why. And I worry I've scarred him to the point that it will affect his future relationships with women. And all because I was afraid to step into this world without a partner by my side. To my stressed mind at the time, it seemed suicide or an affair were my only options. I've forgiven myself for my convoluted thinking at the time and it took me a long time to forgive myself, but that still doesn't change how I wish over and over and over again that I could turn back time. If I knew then... what I know now. This place is for sharing our experiences to help others. I pray that the hell I've gone through... the hell my family has gone through... will in some way help you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling... and that an affair is not the answer. My experience is that counseling, communication, and separation are the answer... and then divorce if it comes to that. It sounds like you've realized that, and I was so glad to read your decision. I'm proud of you. Here is the excerpt:<br />
<br />
Goodbye Best Friend<br />
<br />
It is 3:36 a.m. Onyx (our dog) is restless and gnawing at a bone that used to contain mint inside, now the flavor must be incomparable. Each time she repositions the bone to try to get the most out of it, it thuds on the bathroom tile and wakes Mark and I up below ground. Mark goes up and takes the bone away from her and comes back to bed. She is quiet. I think “she is restless”. She needs to get rid of that energy. She was locked up without human interaction an extra 2.5 hours today. I go up and give her a smaller chew toy to help her. She crashes that on the floor but it is not as noisy. She works with me and realizes she needs to play with it in her cushioned kennel. I go downstairs. It is now 4 am. Mark is still awake and obediently kills a spider for me when I ask. I lay in bed next to him, wide awake. He is too. I said, “I miss being best friends. I miss talking to you.” He patted my thigh twice. Did it again. Then turned his back to me to fall asleep. I resisted the urge to turn my back to him and make matters worse.<br />
<br />
Tonight I mourn the loss of my husband as my best friend. A loss that as I look back over 20 years, I realize was never really there in the first place. It was imagined. I was only interested in knowing him and being what he wanted me to be. I now say goodbye to the illusion I had created of what best friends were when sex and insecurity were involved. I say goodbye silently as tears gently stream down my face. The truth does hurt.<br />
<br />
I came to another realization tonight. I’ve been going to marriage counseling on my own for awhile. Mark refuses to come with me because he says that is a sign of a weak marriage and what would people think of us? I met with my counselor, Ann, today. She told me there might come a time when I would need to decide if I could stay with Mark if he was going to remain emotionally unavailable to me. I had told her I would but that I would have to get my friendship and support from sources outside my home. Ann told me that could be done. I have men friends in my life. One I consider my best friend and shepherd, one is a man who seems my spiritual guide; and the third is a new friend I hope to know better who has a shared fondness for Emerson. And I’m sitting here at this damn typewriter at 4:45 a.m. to say that rather than these men being a threat to my marriage...they are holding it together. 5:00 a.m. I go to sleep.<br />
<br />
7:00 a.m. The time I wake up my kids for school. Mark is still home. He’s running late. I’m on the couch. He kneels by my side and eats his crunchy cereal. He can never hear me when he chews. He loses control of his spoon which goes flying out of his hands as frosted flakes and milk land on my pajamas and the couch. He rubs the milk into the pillow rather than get a towel to draw it out. I’ll have to clean it later. He continues chewing and talks fast and excitedly about Logan and football and I realize something. I’m his best friend. He has no one else to talk to when he is excited, happy, confused, or down. Nothing is changing for him. This is only a one- sided goodbye. My eyes fill for him, but for once, I don’t want him to see the tears. I squeeze them away when he is not looking. When done eating, he asks, “You said you wanted to talk to me earlier this week about something important you and your friend talked about?” (Monday, it is now Friday) I replied, “It is 7 am, don’t you have to go to work now? How much time can you give me?” He was silent. I told him, “It doesn’t work this way.” He quietly said, “But I want to listen.” I quietly said, “No, you don’t.” And we were both silent. And he didn’t deny it. My eyes filled. I couldn’t help it. And I felt as if a peace went through us. The truth was there. I told him he didn’t have to be my best friend but I would be his. He didn’t have to listen to all my stories. He kissed me tenderly and left for work and it was the sweetest goodbye we’ve had in many mornings.

Yeah, I've decided to end it first. Yesterday morning, I made the decision to talk my husband about not being together anymore. Just the thought of doing it, felt so freeing. But I did not do it. <br />
<br />
For some reason, when he came home, I was happy to see him. And instead of having the break up conversation, I told him about the support group so we can meet couples like us. He said he would try anything. <br />
<br />
I know that my loneliness and loss he completely does not understand, but thats OK. I told him how we are currently living is comparable to that of a sexless marriage. I said that I was going to the support group so I could learn how to relate to him better, and hopefully him to me, because I just do not envision marriage into our golden years like this. <br />
<br />
He says, "its just that when you our son talk, I guess I am waiting for the punchline, and then, I guess I miss it"<br />
<br />
I say, " sweetie, I know you just like the end result of things. When you talk to people you will say, "just give me the bullet points" out of necessity, but the reality of the situation is, people like to talk to share. That is how the relationships are built. There is no bunch line. Sharing and relating is process"<br />
<br />
And he says, "is that what is wrong with me?"<br />
<br />
I said, "not wrong, just different"<br />
<br />
And he said he'd do anything. <br />
<br />
I will still be here for him. But I am going to end the marriage. I know that he is not going to get the hint. Just like when he showed up on my doorstep, and trampled all over my boundaries, after I repeated and phyically had to put the boundaries in place. I know that its going to be a problem after we divorce. <br />
<br />
Yes, I agree. .. I am not going to have an affair. I can only imagine I will just find someone more dysfunctional.

Wow I love my relationship but see what's out there and not over steping my bounderies makes value her even more

So why don't you end it be for you cheat on the guy, I mean tell him he is no more be for you go out and find some one new? Or you just going to find guys that dig unavailable girls. <br />
<br />
~Mr. Brøker

Wow! what a bummer relationship. i'm sorry you are having to go thru this. i am especially interested in aspergers syndrome because i think my mom has it. she has never been diagnosed with it, probably because she is 84. she can't do anything and has been that way all of my life!<br />
Also, i wanted to point out that you will probably get a better man if you divorce first. i'm attracted to men of high standards and of good moral values. i surely wouldn't want to date a man that was still married! would you?

Hey Sweetie,<br />
If at all possible, try to end the marriage before having the affair. I don't judge you at all for wanting an affair, or even for wanting to try it while still married, but if you know the marriage is essentially over anyway, and you are not wanting an affair just out of curiosity, then you should at least separate from your husband first. I know that is hard to do, but it will be better.<br />
<br />
I ALMOST did the same thing---but alas, my husband did it first. I would have much rather that we separated, he could have his mid-life crisis, etc., than to have the added hurt of an affair.

Hugs to you honey. <br />
My advice?? Don't do it. It's so hard. I did it and fell in love. ... I mean heart stopping, no holds barred love. <br />
I left my hubby. Now I am single and it is better than ever.

Thanks for all your posts. Beleive it or not, I was shocked to find an Aspie supportive group for husbands and spouses. No matter, he will be in my life, whether we are divorced or not. I know that I can not go on the way that I am, so at least we are doing something, and he seems to want to more functioning, but by far, we should not be in the capacity as husband and wife. <br />
<br />
For the time it takes for me to be emotionally invested in someone else, that will take time any way, so I doubt there will be any cheating going on.<br />
<br />
I am accountable for my situation, and I understand now, where I went wrong. I should've recognized that he was more like a lost puppy, and for years, I just could not make sense of his behavior. <br />
<br />
I long for someone who can reciprocate some type of emotional feeling, that is just not orchestrated to please me. If I meet someone that can do this, I will be happy, and all the better if my children have an additional role model to talk to. <br />
<br />
Yes, I had a child before we married, my son then was 5. He's known him since he was three. But essentially my son has no father since my husband is pretty much a child, and my son has more social skills than he does.

Is Aspergers curable? From a common sense stand point, being that its neurological in nature, my gut tells me know. But then, I read all this information about how it IS curable, but then what will follow is hopelessly shallow, "ie, you need to TELL your Aspie, exactly what you want, since innuendos are useless"<br />
<br />
Well Duh!<br />
<br />
How do you connect with someone who had a brain that is hardwired to NOT want emotional intimacy. <br />
<br />
In fact, I feel guilt for trying to make my husband someone he is not. He simply does not have the need for emotional intimacy, although he wants all the rewards of it. (sex, having friends)<br />
<br />
But unfortunately, the world does not work way. <br />
<br />
I am feeling hopeless, as I do not consider this a marriage, and its not his fault.. Its mine. I should've recognized that he could not fulfill my needs. And I was blindsighted to his "agenda" that only came out later, and makes complete sense.


I am listening to all your comments, and I do agree. Integrity is an issue and affair can complicate things, no doubt. When I talk of wanting an affair, I talk of wanting to connect with someone, not necessarily sexually. Being able to talk and relate to someone is what I am craving and why I am so lonely. My husband is so needy, he just leaves everything up to me. We can not work through our problems TOGETHER, he just looks to me to have all the answers, PRESTO! and for me to please "give him short easy instructions on what to do"<br />
<br />
He does not understand, that I am not all knowing either, an I need to talk to someone who I can relate to, and that helps deal with issues that come up. <br />
<br />
He is tortured by any kind of conversation. This is pervasive throughout his whole life. He cringes when talks to anyone. Including his family, me, our older child who is now 13. I beleive him that he does not want to be this way. He accepted that Aspergers is him, and wants to get help. <br />
<br />
Through out our 10 years of being together, I've seen some slight improvements in his socialbility but I've finally seen the light that the relationship will never ever ever ever ever meet my needs. Before, I was kidding myself, and living in a fantasy world, and each day, I would just hang in there. But someone how, now, i've lost hope. <br />
<br />
With us having the two children, he is unable to relate to either one of them. The oldest, the relationship with him is completely damaged, as my husband does not know how to talk or relate to him and when he does, he just blurts out things that are hurtful and inappropriate. Essentially my son has no father. <br />
<br />
Regardless if we are together or not, yes, definitely, some type of counseling is in order at least for the sake of the children. He has to learn how to be a father. <br />
<br />
Tonight, I think I am going to tell him the truth. Honestly, I take blame for this because I mis construed his actions, and ignored my instincts that he needed me out of neediness and not love. I needed a true partner. And fooled myself into thinking that some day he could be. He was never able to fullfill my emotional needs so I think it was unrealistic to expect it eventually, (although I have seen improvements)<br />
<br />
Me, I think he just married me for the sex factor too. I did not realize how important that was to him. <br />
<br />
I guess people are going to whatever to meet their needs. He met his. He wore me down and I falsely beleived that he loved me, but obviously, after 7 years in this empty relationship that is not true. I should have stuck up to what I needed in the relationship from the very beginning and I would saved us all a lot of heartache. <br />
<br />
Tonight I am going to tell him how I feel. I will try to be as gentle as possible. I still have feelings for him, but just think for him to be in the capacity of my husband is not congruent to a marital relationship. Its not. <br />
<br />
For god sakes, you should be able to talk to your husband with out it being torturous for him. To make him understand I am going to use sex as an example. Imagine each and everytime after we did I said comments like, (he's actually said these things to me about our conversations)<br />
<br />
1) Next time, can we get this over with faster!<br />
2) Can you just give me the bullet points so we dont have to drag this out<br />
3) Phew, I am glad that is over. <br />
<br />
Other things he's said just in relation to how tortuous talking to people is. <br />
<br />
1) My brain just can not process words. I am sorry. Can you draw me a picture?<br />
<br />
2) I have no idea and can not read other peoples social cues. <br />
<br />
For some ungodly known reason, my husband came home from work, and my son was on the couch. He says, "you've been lying around the house all day doing nothing, can you get off the couch so I can sit down?"<br />
<br />
My son had been doing chores all day. And who was for him to come out of the blue and say something so stupid and hurtful and he did not even know what he was talking about?<br />
<br />
He then goes on to say how one time way in the past, my son was lying on the couch, and thats why he blurted that out. <br />
<br />
Clueless verbage has not been that bad lately, but more so, my son has given up on him, and pretty much I am a single mother when it comes to my son. My daughter is only three, so he just plays with her, although he has absolutely no parenting skills. I never tell him what a horrible clueless parent he is, since he does not know how to relate to anyone. Because his heart is so pure, and I can tell he WANTS to be a good parent. <br />
<br />
Yes, I will work through the socialibility issues with him, I guess we have to for the sake of the children, but tonight I am going to tell him how I just can not live like this anymore, and how much I've lost hope. <br />
<br />
Then, yes, like someone said, I will go sleep with anyone I want.

OOook, my opinion. If you aren't sure of someone in the first place why marry them. IT is like you know you will have problems in your marriage and your already setting up in your head.,....i will have an affair to keep yourself sane....type of deal. It is weaaaak. sure alot of people do it. Those are probably the people that don;t witness your own mother bringing home random guys when you were a child ...to be complete disgusted with it when you get older. ok understandable. it's disgusting. My mother was married 4 timessss cheated on all her husbands because she was to stubborn to see the guys side of things norr " COMMUNICATED" to even attempt to fix things the riiiight way. It made meee grow up to be a pro to do the right thing and how to do it and how long. i can at least thank her for that. Now i been with someone for about 7 years and married for 1 year. all i can say is no relationship will be easy.....if someothing brought you both together you can stick to that but you have to know there is always oobstacles to face and the meaning to that is to work a way around them even if you only seem to try and the husband doesnt there is still a way to work a way around that as in connecting in interest....that alone can lead to MORE communication. communication is the kEEEEyyy. if that fails.. counciler can open that key up for any marriage if you want it to. affair is the last thing that should be on someones mind.....bring out the strength not the weakness..and if you know yourself there is no hope......there is a thing called divorce but obviously if you think of an affair before divorce ..............well i think that is called. .. some hope eventually...OPEN IT UP. especially be open minded being in other peoples shoes does help alot...does it ever. DO THE RIGHT THING.<br />
and anyone who does have affairs..or for homewreckers shame on you...and have a ******* heart.

After reading everyones replys,I'm going to step outside myself,go against what my heart has always told me and become alittle crass and forward,seeing as I too am dealing with marrital issues. Why does everything always have to revolve around love? Sure,the warm comfort of a caring spouse is always nice,having a constant companoin,but really,maybe its not about love. Youshe talks about having an AFFAIR,but yet also says she lacks the connecting in conversation. The lack of connecting is a love and companionship issue,the talk of an affair is of sexual nature. I suggest before either a split or an affair occur,youshe figures out which one it is. If it is the lack of the connection,by all means,leave the marrige,but,if its of a sexual nature,maybe an affair is what is needed. I wouldn't normally say the latter,but I myself am contemplating an affair or a meaningless sexual encounter or two. I have never cheated before,and never thought I would contemplate this heavily,but all things change. I have known people in the past that have had affairs and still stayed in their relationships. They got the love that they needed,and got the love that they needed. Just a thought.

If you married him, you must examine what you appreciated about him. Marraige is not easy. It takes work. There is no perfect marraige. If he has Asperger syndrome then you may just need to teach him social skills. It may be worth it. An affair will not fix your problem. Either work it out with your husband or divorce him. Cheating is not a good thing. Integrity is important for both of you. Work on your problem instead of looking to complicate it.

I can't believe all the "sh!tty advice on here .....just cuz you think it is wrong and you learned it somewhere don't make it wrong for this lady ya know?

Whosaid, to sleep around is only fun for a small while, eventually you'll want to wake up next to someone who is going to want to hug you and kiss you despite the morning breath! Plus sleeping with many guys gives everyone a very shallow out look on you. I can relate, Ive had over 20 men and Im still young, but its because I love to have sex and like the variety... but still nothing beats the pleasure I recieve when I have it with the one I love

How is it shallow to want fun?

Oh my dear, an affair isnt the answer to your problems, it will only make them worse! Take it from a girl who split with her partner after having a one night stand and this same girl is watching her parents go through a messy divorce because my Father had a 3 month affair!

I know exactly how you feel, as this is how my relationship is as well. I'm only different from you in the respect that I am already planning on divorcing my spouse, I just lack the means to do it right now.

Hello, don't look to anyone else to give you what's missing in your marriage, it never works. Get out of a bad relationship before you do anything rash, and something that will ultimately hurt people. You need you time, time to heal and time to know what you really want.<br />
When you have done that and have found some peace, that's the time to find a new love, and don't ever settle for less than you want, or you will end up right where you started...

How is her getting fulfilled gonna hurt people? If it does, so what. BFD.

Go 4 it!

if you cant talk to your husband then who can you talk to? you need to confront him and tell him about your needs and expectations, it is this in itself that will reveal to you what he wants in return, it seems to me as though your "husband" is a more wanting man of you, he needs a comfort in knowing he has someone to share his life with, hence he has left his job, his life to be with you. a lonely man might i add. he properly had nothing going on and no one wants to die alone. he needed to fill that void in his life thus he went after you, knowing that with your kid he can get a hold of you. and by inviting his parents over in his thought process he thinks that it will contain you. you need not to have a affair but confrontation instead. you need to reach out and tell him of Your expectations as a women, if you know the end result will be you leaving him then waste no more time and act on your heart and how you feel you can better your life and your kid. love is all about being able to better your partner and grow together, understanding of each others emotional and physical needs. he clearly does not meet those definition of love. so i ask what is it that attracted you to him...?

What I dont understand is why the marriage has to eventually end? Why not end it now. You clearly missed the red flags when you met him and mistook showing up on your door step as romantic instead of a warning sign. Is it your neediness not to be alone that makes you not just leave the marriage? Why would you want to stay with someone who speaks badly to you and has no boundaries and that you do not connect with? Why are you wasting his time and yours?

For God's sake and yours, PLEASE stop yourself before you do something foolish and painful! Once it is done you cant reverse it! Take it from someone who knows. I too thought that I was justified to have an affair. I had a wife who ignored me, spent more time on her computer and chatting with her friends then talking to me. Our sex life sucked. I went to parties and events by myself, she'd choose to stay home and play on her computer. We were like roommates sharing a house. So I got cocky and felt like I deserved more and had an affair. And now my entire world has come crashing down around me, and the guilt and shame are eating me alive. It is NEVER OK to cheat. NEVER. Please, take it from someone who made this tragic mistake, stop yourself right now before it is too late. Some things in life need to be concrete. Marriage vows are one of them. Please dont think me a hypocrite. I am telling you as someone who knows.. get your divorce, or at least become legally and physically seperated FIRST. Then you can explore all you want with a clear consciencous

Was it okay for the biy*tch to deny your needs? I didn't know this was the board for the churchey crowd ya know. Come on now.

Thank you for sharing this story. I've been married for 4 years and am concerned about cheating. My dad constantly cheated on my mother and it's made me nervous about marriage. My husband's family was the same - his father was a total a-hole to his mother and cheated constantly. He's sworn that he never will and I've sworn that I never will, but I wonder .... I don't have any desire for anyone else, but will that change? My mother never cheated on my dad. But I feel for you in your marriage and hope you get out of it as soon as you can, dear - for your own happiness! You should have a happy life. Best wishes!