Save Me From My Self

hi everybody, i'm an algerian young man, i'm 20 years old, a student and i'm gay.
i had never have a relationship or sex relationship with anybody in my life, because it is my biggest secret.

in august 2012, i met a man on chatroulette, he is from usa ,he is gay too.i told him about my secret, we love eachother, and he is my first love .
when i skype with him, i always cry because i want to be with him, so i'm always sad and depressed....i don't eat, i don't focus in my study i always think about him, i always cry in my room, i'm worried about my mind.

he can't travel for me because of some raisons, so i have to do it me.but i don't have money to buy a visa even to pay for a holiday....

and to make this pain stop, i made to biggest and the hardest dicision in my life ;in august 30 , 2014 if i still faraway from him ,i will kill my self, i can't live with such biggest pain in my heart , i miss him so much....
i know that my family and friends will be hurted,but if i'll be alive the only one person who is hurted is me , so i don't have a choice....." to be happy or not to be".
I do my best to join him and save my life, i am ready to be a genius for that and ready to be married with an american girl so i can go, i'm ready to do crazy things for my life.

the time is going faster and i want to save my life......i need help
hurtedboy hurtedboy
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Hurtedboy, You are very young yet; this is your first love and first love always hits hard. I know you feel that everything is hopeless, but you have to hang on and let time do its' work. Don't kill yourself, please. You don't realize it now, because you are young but things will get better. No matter how hopeless you think things are you must never give up. You are in so much pain, I know, but if you can hang on day by day and give it time, you will finally begin to feel better. I know you think it's impossible, but it's true. Everyone has had a first love that, for whatever reason, they couldn't be with. You will get through this. Things will work out for you in your life. You have to believe. It gets better. It will. One morning you will wake up and you won't feel that heaviness that makes you want to stay in bed all day. You will feel a little brighter. You are going to be alright and you'll make a life for yourself. You'll see. Just don't leave. If you leave you'll never know what's going to happen. Hang on; just hang on.

thank u so much for your advices. ...why can't we be with the person we want in this world, ......i hate the laws ,why can't we travel in the world without a visa, why can't we be happy....i realy understand what you want to say, but i don't believe that one day i will be fine without hard to believe it. if that guy knows that i'll kill my self , tommorow he will come here for me, but i don't want to tell him, i don't want to make him feel guilty.....whatever, i wish things will be better......thank you bro.

not "bro", you are a girl.........thank you syster...