Hi, I just needed to express this. I couldn't do this to my friends or family because they all know me as a happy young girl of 20 who wants to have an adventure. I just lied to my parents about some major finances, and I know I lost their trust and their belief that I am responsible.

My mom and I were working on it the whole day, and it did not turn out as bad as I thought; however I still disappointed my parents and myself. I lied to them about it because I believed I could handle it, and I didn't want to acknowledge it. We're still trying to solve it, and now my dad said that we might have to take this to court. I'm so scared

I don't want to talk to my close friends about this because I don't want to be a burden. I know they would listen to me because they are just amazing friends, but I don't want them to see me like this. As far as they know, I have been the girl who was always full of energy and carefree. That's only true when I don't think about my future, my constant disappointment in myself, knowing my parents are upset with me, and my random waves of loneliness.

I'm 20 years old, and my 18 year old brother is and will be a constant better person than me in everything we do. Grades were always better than mine was at his grade, he is going to a better college than me, he is a lot more responsible than I am, has never disappointed our parents as much as I have (I guess that is one thing I'm better at than my brother), and is a better person personality-wise. On top of that, I'm not exactly the best student. I'm just average, and I know my parents would rather believe that my younger brother has a brighter future than I do. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself so they can get the money to pay off all the wasted education spent for me and to give my brother so that he can have that bright future.

I constantly think about killing myself to release the burden my parents as I am still financially dependent to them. They say they're fine paying with my education, clothes, and other stuff (as long as I don't go overboard, which I never do because I hate shopping and there would be too much guilt). The daydreams of my suicide have been coming more frequently after I made this financial mistake, and thinking about my future just fuels it. Sometimes, I ask myself what is stopping me from doing it. I look up all these videos of what happens if you do, and most just say think of all the loved ones. I have one retort for that - they would move on. I know they would miss me, and I know they would feel guilt. But I also know that they can all move on from this and live their lives because they would think I would want that and I do. I love all my family and friends that I have made, they didn't cause my outlook of life. It's all my doing.

I'm sorry for rambling, and I don't know if this makes sense but I just needed someone to know how I really feel. Please don't tell me to see a professional because the chances of that happening are slim, especially if I have to pay. I don't want to give more problems to my parents. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
winglessabandonment winglessabandonment
22-25, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

Well, it would take care of your financial burden. Except it would revert back to your parents as part of your estate. Everyone makes mistakes, especially with finances. We are all in debt, we are in some sort of trouble and most don't have family to help is get back on track. Be thankful for the help and guidance you have in your parents. It'll get you back to where you need to be and they won't always be around.

The people who love you would never consider you a burden. You are important. No matter how upset with you anyone gets, they would Never want to get rid of you.
I understand that you don't think seeing a professional is possible, but at least talk to your general physician about it.You are never alone and we all want to see you feel better.

Thank you for your kind words. My dad just cried saying that we (my dad and mom) would never disown me, I don't know what I did to deserve them

You were you! Now get help and get your head back on straight. You're too important to be having these feelings.

Thank you, I'm going to try this time or more than I should have. Thank you for this!

You would be surprised by what your friends and family would say.I think you should talk to them and let them know how you feel.I also doubt that they see you as a burden.

Thank you, I think my dad knew without me telling him how I regret them this problem. He assured me that they would never disown me and love me always

As a dad myself I thought that would be the case.It will all come out in the wash my dad would say.