So This Sucks...

I guess I'm here writing this because no one is around to talk to me right now, and I'm typically a really hard person to talk to. So. I guess I'm here to type a bunch of stuff about this topic.

Said topic is 'I think about Suicide'. I do. I use to do it because, well, my life has always been kind of ******. This is not to say I think my life is a tourment worse than death, but its been ****** for a while. I've had my share of laughs and smiles, but I don't understand a lot of things. Normal kids my age (Sixteen, folks, I'm sixteen) can go about their daily lives with little to no worry. They have problems with their boyfiends or girlfriends, they flunk a test, their phone gets shut off. Things like that. So... Why can't my problems be like that?

My problems aren't huge and I don't know where half of them are coming from. But I know I'm sinking. Things are losing color and meaning and I'm not even interested anymore. I don't know who to turn to anymore. I don't want to worry my mother. I know thats why she's here, to care about me, but I can't bare to be such a burden. She doesn' t know half of my problems and they already stress her out. My friends have their own lives to live, right? So... Who do I talk to? I'm everyones shoulder to cry on, but when the lights go out at the end of the night, I'm the only one whos left, crying myself to sleep.

I imagine, if this gets comments, it'll be people telling me it gets easier when I get older, and that its just a phase all teens go through. But its not a phase and it hasn't got better. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, honestly. Batteling with myself to stay happy, smiling so no one worries. And now no one even cares, or so it seems. I want them to care, but at the same time I don't want them to worry about me.

I keep getting myself caught up in things to try and stay distracted. But. This is what happens when I run out of things to distract me with. When sleep won't come and I can't bare to stay awake. Pain, happiness, sorrow, anguish, laughter, tears, love, hate. These things come from life. From breathing. From being human.

I don't think I want that anymore. I don't want to be human. I want to be a cloud, flying high above all else, with the sun always at my back and the wind always taking me somewhere new. I want to be at the bottom of the ocean, where there is no light or sound. I want the silent current to pick me up and twirl me around, 'till I don't know which way is up and the bubbles stop floating around. I don't want to die. I want to live life, and I want to be happy. But I can't take this strain; This hurt; This depression.

I want the pitch-black, numb nothingness that death seems to bring. I think abut suicide...

Shadow6 Shadow6
2 Responses May 2, 2010

QuixoticLife- I think your comment was more helpful than anything Operah or some Dr.Phil rip off could leave me. I think when people are on this website, at least the ones talking about depression, we aren't here for help. Depression can't be fixed by one persons comment, no matter how beautiful it is, nor can it give the story-teller the medication, if any, that they need. People are here to reach out, and try to find some light in the dark, even if the light is dim. Your story made me frown, knowing there are people that have to deal with the day-to-day bull **** that I have to, but it also made me very happy. I'd rather find comfort amongst a group of people society has given up on, than be alone in the spot light. And you helped me find some comfort, Quixotic. And for that, I thank you. =]

I will not tell you it gets any better. I was and still am exactly where you are now. I am always the strong one. I always take care of everyone else. I have always hid my pain from others. I had a very bad experience with being honest about my feelings when I was your age. It did not go well and I spend years with people before I even tell them just a little about how I really am. Highschool was very hard for me and I was a cutter for many years. I guess that has gotten a little better as I no longer cut. I think I just got better at dealing with the depression. I spend all day smiling at co-workers, friends, family, even my husband. I smile, laugh, and joke with these people every single day. Amazingly if you keep up this act long enough you realize that no one knows anything. They really do think I am sunshine bear. They have even asked me how I stay so happy and positive all the time. I just smile and say thats the kind of girl I am... <br />
I know about the distraction. I am here this very minute trying to distract myself from life. I found this site trying to keep myself distracted. It doesn't end though. I always find time to feel way too much. Sorry, I guess I am not the most helpful person to post. I don't have any wise words or any real solutions. Just know you are never alone. There are people like us everywhere hiding in plain sight. It usually seems to me that some of the happiest people are the ones barely hanging on.<br />
"Suicide is a great consolation. One can get through many a bad night with it."