Strangely, It's Calming

It's the last option. In situations I don't know what to do, I just start to play the scene of my own death in my head again and again. It's the coward's way out, so to speak. It's not necessary to handle everything, keep strong and deal with the problems. If I succeed, no one will be there blaming me for my actions.

The scene consists of myself booking a room in an expensive hotel for the weekend, one that would normally be way out for my budget. I'll have the best luxuries I can afford. If during that weekend I can assume myself it's really worth it to keep on living, I'll pay the bill and return to my everyday life. It costs a lot, but it's the price of life. Literally.

If I reach the conclusion it's not worth it all, I'll end it there by slicing my wrists open in a nice, warm bath. I have thought about other options too, but I'm too wussy (read: scared of pain) to act them out. Jumping or hunging myself would be too scary, stepping in front of a train or car as well. Without even mentioning drowning. I doubt I could get enough appropriate meds to have it done properly. A failure would be very embarrassing.

No, bleeding to death it is. I have cut myself before, and the sting of blade is actually quite pleasant. The veins in wrists are not in too deep either, so it should be no problem. I have considered cutting open my throat as well, it would be quicker, but the artery is deep enough to scare off my pain hating self.

I have no idea how long it takes for a person to bleed to death, but the problem is not acute, so it's okay. I might want to check it before doing anything rash, though. I wouldn't want roomservice to walk in during the process.

I'm not going to carry of that plan anytime soon, so no need for anyone for be worried (worried? Who would be worried? Arrogant of me to assume that) I just want to keep the options open. It's not impossible my life would end like that... someday.
Fearofsilence Fearofsilence
18-21, F
Jul 14, 2010