The Only Way Out? Thoughts Of A Suicidal Christian

I have been taught all my life that there is a purpose to my existence and that I am here on this earth for a reason. Contemplating suicide surely does not go along with the Christian Values that I was raised with. But what else do you when you are tired of feeling embarrassed, upset, depressed, tired of living, emotionally exhausted, listless, anxious, and tired of living with the heavy weight on your chest? What do you do when you are tired of living in fear that tomorrow is going to bring another disappointment? What do you do when you try to love, and be loved, and all you get is hurt and pain? What do you do when you feel that no one cares about you, or that you don't want to burden yet another friend or family member with the stupid **** that you are going through? What else do you think about or do when you feel like no matter how successful you are, or pretty, or talented, or loving, or whatever, that life will ALWAYS **** on you? What else do you do if you pray and it doesn't work? What else do you do when you feel like you just can't stop yourself from making horrible life decisions? You think about the next logical thing. You think about what it would be like if you were not here. And you think about it a lot. You think about it until it is no longer scary, but a place of escape, and then you start to plan when you will take that escape. You think about it, until one day, it seems like the only logical option, until it seems like you have no other choice but to go ahead and take that way out of this world of pain, hurt, sorrow, disappointment, depression, anxiousness, unknown, and more pain. You go ahead and realize that all those emotions won't exist if you are not there to experience them, and then maybe, just maybe you can get some relief from your own thoughts, and from the pressures of life.
timemovemeon timemovemeon
26-30
2 Responses Jul 29, 2010

I'm a self professing Christian, and yet I think about 'it' a lot recently. I also want a 'logical' way out because I am uncertain about my future, and I have health problems. But...at the bottom of my heart, I know that suicide is the WRONG way out. There is always hope in God, and Christ is in you. Let's encourage each other in prayers and in hope.

Whadduya mean "what else do you do??" You WRITE A STORY HERE ON EP for goodness' sakes! :)<br />
((((hugs))))) <br />
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I read your other two stories here. I know it's hard to believe when you're in the middle of something like this but: I understand. You can and WILL survive. Do NOT drop out of school, and please don't contemplate suicide. Suicide is stupid, cowardly, and a copy out. It's the refuge of the unintelligent. You don't seem unintelligent to me. Just vulnerable.<br />
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When I was in my early 20's, I thought my life wasn't worth living when some random scum decided he didn't want me anymore. At the back of my head as I swallowed a bottle of pills -- was the fantasy of how guilty and sorry he'd be when he discovered I'd died. After swallowing the pills and waiting till the ringing in my ears started and the world got fuzzy, I called him. I needed him to know why I'd done what I did. Do you know what he did? HE HUNG UP ON ME. That ******* TRULY didn't care. And neither will yours. The best revenge I could ever get was . . . survival -- and forgetting his name.<br />
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Trust me. In time, you can forget his name. Now pull yourself together, recall some memories of days you thought were the best in your life that DIDN'T include him, and remind yourself that life is cyclic. Good days WILL follow the bad. You just have to live long enough to get to those parts. :-)<br />
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If all else fails dear, remember that a lot of our emotions are tied to physical phenomena. Whether or not you believe in therapy, if you continue to feel suicidal for much longer, get tested to see whether your depression may have a pharmaceutical resolution. I don't like to solve emotional issues with drugs, but I've seen the wonders prozac has done for one of my daughters first hand. <br />
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I'm glad you decided to post here in EP. Please keep me updated!