Its Been Almost 17 Years...and I Still "think" About It...

I would have to say I have pretty much "thought" about killing myself since at least the age of 10 or 11. I had a very sad, lonely childhood and was bullied a lot because I was ugly and had physical abnormalities that made me stand out. I won't go into all the details here but to get an idea of what I have been through you can look through the stories I have written in other groups if you like. I never went through with it due to having a fear of death and the unknown, fear of pain (even though I cut but, again, that's a story in a different group), and also something deep deep inside did not want to die and thought maybe one day life would get better. I did not continue to live because anyone would miss me. I knew most people would not. I didn't care about my parents' feelings because I had issues with them and I blamed them for selfishly bringing me into this world when they probably knew due to their ages it was a bad idea. I did not have anything to live for until I met my husband as a senior in high school. We have been together for nearly nine years and he treats me well but despite it all I still get depressed and think about suicide. It has been happening more and more within the past few months too. It is due to a number of issues: I think I am too unattractive and I feel if my marriage were to end for any reason there would be nothing else to live for because no one decent would be interested in me, I feel I am not good at anything even things I once thought I was good at, my bad childhood still haunts me and I am beginning to realize the person who was my lifeline back then...whom I thought cared...really didn't. Plus I have a dead end, stressful job where I am underappreciated and will never be given any opportunity for advancement. I at least am in college but I keep changing majors because, at nearly 27 years old, I am still unsure as to what I want to do with my life. So that's how it is. I do not foresee myself ever going through with it because I still have the same reservations I had as a kid plus I have my husband to think about as well. But whenever I feel down the thoughts still creep into my head and I wonder if my life is worth living. Will my pain and suffering end without having to die?
Onedayacometwillfall Onedayacometwillfall
26-30
2 Responses Aug 10, 2010

I can see so much of myself in what you are saying. There is rarely a day goes past when I dont think it would be so much easier if I was dead. I too have a bad job. I have a marriage that is in name only. I have an elderly mother who demands more and more. Thoughts like these make me think life is hard and I wopuld be happy out of it. So I understand what you are saying. At the end of the day I think I am very lucky. At least I have a job; at laest I have a wife and at least I am physically healthy. So please fight on and dont ever give up.

don't worry, it's going to be okay, you'll figure it outt. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON and if anybody tells you different , tell them that ou dont give a flying f8ck and throw water in their faces :)