I’ve Contemplated Suicide
Sure I have. Many people do I think. The first time I wasn’t even twenty…..no responsibilities……no one was even counting on me for anything. I was a selfish, self centered a******. I argued every belief I had to death. It didn’t matter whose feelings I hurt because the universe revolved around me. I was always right no matter the cost. In short, no one you or anyone else would ever want to know. I was devastated from a failed relationship and tried to wreck my car to end the pain that I didn’t know how to control.
Over the years at times I’ve just found myself wishing for something or someone to just come and take me away from that well of despair as I’ve never found the balls to do it myself.
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I have gone through many changes through the years and have definitely not been that person for a very long time. What changed me is something I will cover later on a different post. Safe to say that anyone who knows me well here won’t (I hope) recognize the person that I was back then. I hate that person with all my being.
When I am feeling good about things I often find I can’t understand what I was thinking during the moments of despair. There’s often no in between for me. It is either high or low. Sometimes it threatens to tear me apart. The emotional support that I am somehow always able to provide for others is very often not enough to help myself.
Lately I have found myself staring at a pile of pills in my hand. Contemplating whether or not it is worth the pain to carry on. I’ve come very, very close….The only things that keep me here are my responsibilities to others and the overwhelming feeling that my purpose in life is to somehow help those that can’t help themselves….…..
Last week I had thoughts again.....sometimes things just seem much harder than they ever should be.
Get your questions answered!
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Posted by fungirlmmm on Apr 2nd, 2008 at 9:41PM
Bass,
First of all life is worth the pain-every ounce of it. I care so much about you my friend and it would hurt me so bad if u weren't on the other side of my IM's. Please stay with me and be my friend forever. Let's chat on this now please.
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Posted by ColorMeReal on Apr 3rd, 2008 at 1:12AM
Please reach out to someone here. There is always hope. There are so many people who care and will listen. If you ever need to talk I am around bunches. Take care, CMR
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Posted by bassplayer on Apr 3rd, 2008 at 12:30PM
Thanks for caring. I cant really properly put in to words what it means to me because it's something that makes me emotional but it means an awful lot.
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Posted by bassplayer on Apr 3rd, 2008 at 2:11PM
Thanks JJ
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Posted by bassplayer on May 2nd, 2008 at 12:05PM
You are exactly right.
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Posted by TendereyesPrincess on Jun 1st, 2008 at 12:31PM
I also think many people have contemplated suicide and sometimes can be just a second for someone to do it. In the past I had this kind of feeling, my kids and people who love were the reason to keep me alive...today I am very happy to be here.
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 1st, 2008 at 1:09PM
I am happy you are here also.
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Posted by Marji on Jun 8th, 2008 at 2:34PM
My suicide attempts were never under the "suicide" category as far as I was concerned.
I tried in a different fashion, drugs,and staying with men who abused me.
I think I have come a long way..... do you think you have too ? When you think about it.
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 8th, 2008 at 7:33PM
Sometimes Marji I do. There are other times when the negative stuff creeps back in. It's an ongoing battle. Good for you if you've managed to get away from those things.
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 8th, 2008 at 7:34PM
Sorry Sanibelle. I somehow didn't get notice of you post or I would have answered it. I am not thick skinned at all.
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 8th, 2008 at 7:39PM
Thats why I'm still here. Honestly. When times were at their worst, my daughters, especially my youngest got me through it. I still occasionally get the blues for what seems like no reason. My little circle here have been very good at identifying it and helping to bring my spirits up. Probably why I love those I talk too so much.
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Posted by marcus101 on Jun 8th, 2008 at 7:43PM
bass:
I've been where you've been. Not in the same way, of course, but I've been in that neighborhood.
I think it may be harder in some ways for you because on the surface, it may seem like you have it all, making it even harder to see "how" you might have such strong feelings...why should you feel depression when you have so many things going so well....?
And that might make things harder for you to take apart, and consider, maybe. We all have our times of blackness.
I hope you will allow us to shine as much light as possible onto you whenever that happens, because you have a lot of friends here who care for you a great deal.
Hope this helps. If not, PM me and I will explain some more.
Sincerely,
marcus101
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 8th, 2008 at 8:03PM
Thanks Marcus,
In the past maybe on the surface all seemed well. I am very good at hiding my pain because I genuinely prefer to help others with their problems than to weigh them down with mine. Success in business at the end of the day really means nothing. Having a relationship that brings you joy is what counts. You words mean a lot to me. Thank you.
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Posted by marcus101 on Jun 8th, 2008 at 8:09PM
Yes.
Having had relationships that bring true joy to me (including the ones I have here at EP right now) really help to counteract any lonely or difficult feelings of distress that might occur or that I might feel...
In that sense, we are both very fortunate. But it is easy to lose the path and get blindsided...
Hopefully those paths can be avoided or minimized..:)
:)
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Posted by Marji on Jun 9th, 2008 at 4:32PM
I have .....and it hasn't totally set me free, because I do have my times of angst over what was and such. But thats where strength comes from, no ?
Knowing what you've lived past, and using that to build you up rather than letting it tear you down. Hugs to you !
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 9th, 2008 at 4:58PM
Thanks Marji
I've never felt so cared for as I have since coming here.
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Posted by InTheNameOfLove on Jun 9th, 2008 at 5:17PM
BP....at times.....the ONLY thing that keeps me going is my kids.....I could not haunt them forever with the burden of my selfish demise.
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 9th, 2008 at 8:38PM
I hear you. At my lowest points though it honestly wouldn't have taken much to send me over the edge.
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Posted by bassplayer on Jun 30th, 2008 at 7:54AM
Not at all Maisie. You thoughts are most welcome.
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Posted by fungirlmmm on Jun 30th, 2008 at 8:03AM
Bassy, I am here for you if you need me. I love you so very much and I need you in my life. YOU made ME a promise to ALWAYS be there for me and I will NOT let you break that promise. If you need me there is no time of the day that is too late or too early to pick up up the phone and dial me.
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