Slipping From Under My Feet

It hurts, you know. The way it feels to have the carpet pulled from under you. That’s happened to me over 5 times today. I failed a chemistry test, just found out that I’m failing math and Latin, my dad expected the very best of me and because I’ve never had a girlfriend I know he thinks I’m gay. I am not the son that he wanted. I can tell every time we change the tires on the car and I can’t pick up the tire right and he just stares at me. I get distracted easily and you can probably tell from this paper that this is so. I hate being told what to do. Every time someone tells me to do something I’m always thinking “I know how to run my ******* life, don’t you think I know what’s going on or what I need to do?” In school everything thinks I’m just the odd ball out. I’ve never had a girlfriend and all the girls think I’m weird. I’m average height but really, really weak and frail. People think I’m intelligent but I’m not. No one ever talks to me and I’m always trying to be someone I’m not. I also suck at sports. This year in soccer at school, I played a total of 20 minutes and I had to give my uniform (2 different ones) to people that are better than me. I hear the coach say my name and she’ll be looking at me and then talk to the assistant coach. I think the thing that hurts the most is constantly thinking how much of a disappointment I have been to the people that expected the most out of me. Every time I get behind the wheel of my car, I think how much of a sweet relief death would be. I don’t do it because my parents are splitting up and my younger brother would not have anyone to look up to and it would make my parent’s lives more difficult. I also have huge anger issues. Every time I throw something around the room because I’m mad, my mom says “stop doing that!”. As if she knows what’s going on. I don’t tell anybody anything and I don’t like to open up to anybody about anything. It seems every time I try to help myself, I get behind the wheel of my car and just want my death so be quick. I need help, but don’t want to go to anyone. I won’t tell my parents because they’ll think there’s something mentally wrong with me and make me go to doctors and do stupid tests. It’s also embarrassing; not being able to do what everyone else seems to have down well: social interaction, grades, looks, athletic ability, and no problems with anything else. I just want to be assured that it gets better, that something will change and that I’m not just a worthless piece of ****. I can’t handle the stress of something I can’t do. 
donttell123 donttell123
18-21
May 10, 2012