Ive Died, Reality Is I Should Have Stayed That Way

years ago i was in an accident, somehow went off the road and hit a tree. Before this my life was going exceptionally well, i was happy with myself physically and emotionally, i had an amazing woman who loved me deeply and i her. I was in school and doing well at it. Then my heart stopped that day, i died. Nothing to special but the lights went off like that point when u literally fall asleep and u dont realize it, then the next thing you know you are awake. Just like that except i didnt wake up for 2 weeks but i had no concept of time during that 2 weeks. So i woke up from my extended nap to a hospital room. I did not freak out but i was wondering what had happened. My family was there informing me of everything, i demolished the car and myself. Broke 4 vertebrae in my back, 1 in my neck, all my left ribs, had my spleen removed, and had cut up my longs. The next 8 months were filled with drama between me and the woman i loved and my family along with an excrutiating recovery. Life went on and i delt with things the best way i could being depressed and completely vulnerable. I tried so hard to stay positive saying i was givin a second chance for a reason and i should value that. Now over 3 years down the road ive had another brush with death and im realizing i welcome it... Things have happened in my life these past few years that do not make sense and i cannot understand it, but i know for a fact that i was supposed to die that day and i dont know why i didnt. Im trying to make the best of my life as it is now and its definitely not bad in comparison to others who have it much worse, but still i welcome death as a beautiful end to this torment and dispair. Death is dark, quite, and you have no awareness of anything, its truly amazing. Im not sure if ill be here much longer, i wont commit suicide but having the attitude toward death that i do, i imagine it will likely meet with me again. I feel like a useless burden that is floating through life only to have it end at some other point in time. Has anyone every felt this and realized they should have stayed dead and wished for it?
xxxjw xxxjw
22-25
Sep 22, 2012