Tired

I get very frustrated with my inability to change and being bogged down in depression.  I certainly consider the possibility of ending my life.  If I can't change and I'm miserable where I am why not just shut it all down.  It's all a futile effort so why even try?   The only thing that keeps me here is the misery my family and friends would endure.
ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
27 Responses Jun 11, 2007

I hear ya. I struggle with depression almost everyday and I get so weary of it. I stay alive for my husband. He would be sad if I were gone...the guy seems to love me...for some reason. heh. If it were not for him I am not sure if I would be here right now.

Life can throw a lot more curveballs at some people than at others. You sound like you've dealt with a lot. All I can say is that I've been to some pretty low points where I was without support system and not functioning. I do understand how life can get not worth it anymore but I also believe that it should be fought for. I've tended in the past to blame my problems on outside forces but I now believe that I brought nearly all of my own problems into my life. I believe in capacity for change even after a lifetime of misfortune and I think that if I can change my thoughts now I can change what will happen to me in the future, break the cycle of negativity.

Thanks for sharing your story. Glad to hear that you recognized your problem and have been dealing with it. Good luck with your new meds, I know those can be challenging. It's nice to have some understanding from other people that have dealt with similar issues.

I can empathize with you. I have those feelings too. I just started new meds over a month ago. Something told me to get help and I did. My drinking had gotten out of control again....then the suicidal thoughts were there. Im getting better day by day. The only thing that made me get help for myself.....was for my husband and family. If it wasnt for that.....I think I would have drank myself into oblivion and just died. Im thankful Im still here. I wish only the best for you.....hang in there.

Well threats aren't going to help anything. If I decide to check out it's my right but I am actually feeling pretty good these days. I wrote this story some time ago, my depression was deeper at that time. Some people go through extraordinary pain in this life. Not everyone is given the gift of a stable mind and after many years of depression and no recovery, I don't blame some of those people who choose to end their misery.

I'm a jazz musician...I like rock when I feel like burning stuff. Um, anyway..sorry about the therapy not working out. That repetitive mantra stuff does, sometimes, do the trick. MY Dad used to say, 'Fake it until you can make it.' JPooter is right though. My friend rachel committed suicide back when we were in HS in 01'. It made a lot of us angry for some reason because we had to go to homecoming w/o her, prom w/o her, graduation w/o her, the movies. She left a note with her parents that didn't explain really anything before she shot herself. It didn't make any sense whatsoever. She could have talked to me. <br />
If those feelings ever creep up again, you better talk to someone. I mean it. If you just checkout and pull that 'note' crap, you'll **** a lot of people off!! Especially the ones who care about you the most.

Hey cool man, I'd be glad to come check out your show. What time are you going on?

Hang in there, brother. I'm right there with you. gonna be in Austin this coming week. Thursday at the Hole in the Wall. Come out and say hello. We'll talk about this "ending it all" stuff.

You can always have hope within yourself if you love yourself. I have problems doing that but I've been recently doing simple mental exercises to think nice thoughts about myself instead of mean or judgemental ones. So many of these self judgements are based on the way that I think others judge me (not living up to standards). So I'm finally just trying to relax my perception of myself, slowly change the thoughts I've been having about my life which have been so negative all the time. I think change is important when you are stuck in a situation that seems hopeless. I wish you the best :)

I'll do my best, I'm trying and that's all I can do.

You are so right Sugahplum. I'm learning to embrace the current moment better than ever before. It's work but it is worth it :)

Ditterdo I mainly play rock music but I have worked in other genres as well, mostly with other musicians. It certainly is one of my main sources of peace in my life and a good reason to keep on living. I've seen 3 different therapists in the last 3 months and none have worked out so I am back to dealing with things myself. I am feeling pretty good though, I'm working on not saying to myself "I'm depressed" all the time. Each morning and throughout the day I'm repeating a mantra that "I'm happy" and other positive motivational thoughts. I think it is true that the only person that can change us is ourself. <br />
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Jenniepooter, your name is awesome. My families first dog was named Pooter :) Thanks for your suggestions. I've been seeing a few therapists trying to find someone that works for me but I've been unsuccessful. I don't have insurance and the sliding-scale therapists I've been seeing are grad students I think, not certified therapists. So I'm doing my best to tackle my depression head on, changing myself and my thoughts. I am the only one that can do it, others can only give suggestions and I've gotten tons of those over the years. Thanks for your comments :)

You wrote that you like music. What kind of music do you like? Do you play? I'm a musician (sax, piano, and synthesizers). Oh, ummm...I was wondering, back when you were having those scary thoughts, have you ever played out your own funeral in your head, and seeing your family in mourning made you cry? Everytime I get frustrated with my own inabilities and those life-ending thoughts creep up, I think about my family too. Normally it helps me get through the painful, self-destructive thoughts. I am glad you had the balls to do therapy. A lot of people make up excuses like, I can fix the problem myself or how can someone on the outside of my situation help me.

I do need to do that and I have in some ways. I'm always trying to make big changes though. I think I need to make little changes and like you said try to please myself more.

Thank you, that is so kind of you to say. I am nervous to say to people that I am a sensitive person but it's true in a lot of ways. I think depression is just a term for sad people more than a disease but I have been 'sad' for most of the last 14 years so it's got a serious basis to it. I definitlely have depression problems. You've given me a new perspective on it though. Thanks :)

Thanks Josephine, your story comes from the heart. That is a really terrible experience to go through. I think that hurting others is the main factor in my wanting to live on.

My nephew killed himself two years ago. He was only fifteen. Our family will never recover. He was confused and he would never have wished the pain he caused, on anyone. I feel sick in my stomach talking about it. I am a bit more bi-polar now as a result. I get very down when I try to be serious, and I need an outlet for my thoughts.<br />
I go to therapy once a week, and it is the only thing keeping me going. I hate it when she cancels a meeting. You put so much into this website I already feel like you are a friend.<br />
I am sorry I know you said you didn't mean it, but suicide isn't the answer. If he had only known how MUCH people loved him. Forgive me for talking about my nephew but it is so raw the word suicide just kills me. <br />
You are a good guy Sandy, I'd come all the way over and give you a big hug.

My nephew killed himself two years ago. He was only fifteen. Our family will never recover. He was confused and he would never have wished the pain he caused, on anyone. I feel sick in my stomach talking about it. I am a bit more bi-polar now as a result. I get very down when I try to be serious, and I need an outlet for my thoughts.<br />
I go to therapy once a week, and it is the only thing keeping me going. I hate it when she cancels a meeting. You put so much into this website I already feel like you are a friend.<br />
I am sorry I know you said you didn't mean it, but suicide isn't the answer. If he had only known how MUCH people loved him. Forgive me for talking about my nephew but it is so raw the word suicide just kills me. <br />
You are a good guy Sandy, I'd come all the way over and give you a big hug.

Well I'm hoping for that, otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I still have hope but it's just running shorter than it has in the past.

Thanks Jack, your comments are very helpful...I actually went to see a therapist today for the first time. I'll be going once per week. Hopefully I'll be able to learn some things about having hope and thinking more positive thoughts.

Good advice, Etesian. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That mantra helped me through some rough times when it seemed like an option. It's not an option anymore because I found some good reasons to hang around. I like what you said about finding even a small thing and hanging on to it until a bigger one comes along. That's exactly what I did. And I found my courage to initiate change in my life. It is slow in coming, but it's a well thought out plan. I'm going to make it.<br />
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I believe that we manifest positive as well as negative engergy into good and bad things in our lives, and the more we focus on the bad things, the worse they seem to become. People can actually manifest their negativity into stress-related illnesses. So why can't we turn our positive thinking into lifelong wellness? Concentrating on good things and thinking hopeful thoughts give us the energy to act on those hopes and work toward making them happen. There is no room then for negativity.<br />
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I'll let you know when it happens for me.<br />
<br />
-Jack-

Hi Siddler,<br />
I can relate to that. I think about it a lot, too. If it helps, remind yourself that it is a symptom of depression. If you can lessen the depression, you're less likely to be consumed with the idea of ending it all. <br />
I'm not advocating that you suffer endlessly for the sole purpose of not hurting other people. You are entitled to a good life and if you can find one thing-even a small thing-that makes you happy, hold onto it until the bigger things come along. I think everyone has a purpose here on the planet, otherwise we wouldn't be here. Have you an inkling of what that purpose may be? <br />
I think it's courageous that you spoke out about feeling this way. You aren't a freak for thinking it. As has been said, it's fairly common when someone feels trapped in what seems like an unending situation. <br />
People who are depressed tend to be uber hard on themselves. So, pretend you're one of your best friends and treat yourself as you would if you were that person. It will help keep you from bashing yourself. And find one thing every day that makes you happy. <br />
History is filled with underdogs who triumph in the end and there is no reason you can't join the ranks.<br />
I hope you feel better, = )

I was feeling pretty down when I wrote this and reading it now I see that I was overstating the case, I guess just feeling sorry for myself. My family and friends are not the ONLY things keeping me here. I do kinda like myself sometimes, I love music, my dogs, and plenty of other things. I just tend to exaggerate when I'm feeling really down. I'm not saying that I haven't felt like calling it quits, but things really aren't that bad. Thanks for all of your comments. They are truly appreciated.

I commend you for thinking of your relatives and us. Suicide is a very selfish way to go. It leaves such a stigma and much trauma on family and friends. Life is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back most of the time. We can't lose hope that tomorrow will be the 2 steps forward scene. And it usually is.<br />
My niece did suicide at age 42 and left a 16 year old son and a husband - they have never recovered completely.

Thanks guys...good to know I would be missed by more than my mother.

i think we all feel the same way from time to time. people who do not are simply not human! it's almost as if life gets in the way of life so you ask what the point is because in the end you have to give it all up anyway. i can soooo understand these thoughts. but ... on a lighter, more positive note ... your writing style is very humorous and all of here would miss out on your views and the quirky and sometimes downright hilarious way you express them. i'm hanging in there with ya. you gonna hang in there with me?

I would be sad :(