I Think About Suicide
I was 9 when I first found out what suicide is. My mom slit her wrists but she didn't go deep enough and just wound up in a mental hospital. I hated her because I thought she didn't care about me anymore. I didn't understand the depth of the matter. Around my teenage years (especially 15 ish) I started to cut myself. Both of my parents were alcoholics and abusive and I would rather have felt the physical pain rather than the emotional. I started to enjoy it. I quit cutting when I was 24.
When I was 18 I started dating a guy..he was 31. I knew he was always depressed and sometimes he would call and tell me he was trying to run his car of the road but it just wouldn't go. He was kind of an attention ***** and I thought he was just crying wolf. Then one day I got a call from his mother saying that he had left his car running in his garage with the door down and he was dead. I freaked out and swore never to ignore the warning signs again!
I started dating the most wonderful guy when I was 20. He was so positive and different from all of the negative aspects of my life. We dated for a while, he told me he loved me, he treated me like a princess, we were best friends as well. I knew that he was taking medicine for depression but it was working really really well! He broke up with me all of the sudden and being the grown up I thought I was told him that we would always be friends. I would hear around that he was asking about me, and when he drove my work he would look for me. Then one day someone from work calls and says a guy dropped off a letter for me...and it says "it's very important!" SO I go get it and read it...This is a suicide note. I even had to ask my brother if that what he thought it was because I didn't want to call his family and scare the **** out of them. I waited until the next day to call his sister (her number was in the letter...he told me to call her) She didn't answer so I left her a message expressing my concerns for my friend. She calls back minutes later telling me he has been in a horrible accident. To make a long story short he drove his camero into a light pole at 144 mph. He had been planning this for weeks..we found out. He didn't die immediately but he might as well have.
The my mom gets back on the suicide wagon again. She is OUT OF HER MIND! Drunk, insane, an completely dangerous. She constantly is calling me at work telling me she took a whole box of sleeping pills and when I get home to check on her I see about 10 dull razors by her bed. I try to have her committed but instead we opt for rehab. She goes.....leaves.....goes........leaves. The cops find her walking along a dirt road with blood running down her arms and her car wrecked in a ditch. I even tried calling the cops on her. I fugred having her arrested for drunk driving would at least keep her safe for a little while but the cops didn't want to bother with it. Eventually she enters 5 rehabs and leaves them all. Now you have to keep in mind that during all of this I am trying to supress my own suicidal feelings because I just don't have time for them. I've already tried it a few times but to no avail. Thankfully. But to this day....I still think about suicide at least once a day. Not so much as doing it anymore but I wonder what would happen if...............
I know this is really long but I left out some things.
