When I was 14-15, my sister's illness was really bad. That's when I became really depressed. It killed me everytime she had a seizure, everytime we had to rush her into hospital. She coped, but for some strange reason, I couldn't.

There were times when I'd be alone at home, feeling so worried, anxious, having panic attacks because she had just been picked up by ambulance again and getting weaker and weaker. I would sit there, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a packet of her pills in the other. I guess I couldn't do that to her, or to my parents with what they were dealing with at the time.

I didn't really understand what was going on. Why I was feeling like that. Why I wanted to feel numb. So then I started cutting. Never that deep, I was too much of a ***** to actually do much damage. I don't have scars, and what did scar, soon healed up or became hidden in my other scars from being a tom-boy. I wanted to hurt, so I could feel again.

It got worse than just cutting, and thinking about taking an overdose. There were times when I stood on the edge of a tube platform, not just because it was so busy, but because I secretly wished that someone would accidently push me in front of the tube.

I did it out of exhaustion. Out of grieving for my childhood being taken away from me. Out of selfishness. Out of the fear of losing my sister. I was still a kid. One who had way too many responsibilities and couldn't say no and no one to talk to anymore.

I thought about it once since then. Which is why I thought after being raped it would be a good idea to get completely off my head and see how much I could take before I did any damage. I guess in a way, I did take a life, just not mine.

But now, even when things are really bad and I don't want to get out of bed because my mind is ticking over and I haven't slept in weeks and everything that could go wrong, goes wrong and I just to escape. I dont want to die. I just need to breathe again.

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11 Responses Feb 12, 2009

Tried twice, didn't succeed though apparently. hehehe

yeah, it better be..

Sorry..hugs.<br />
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Lets talk the rest over pm..

That is true, but there is more to it then that. Being at war is the only time he feels right. When he isn't depressed or anything.

My brother kills anyone who shoots at him. He has killed children shooting at him. He won't admit it but he hates when he has to do that, but like the man he is he comes home bragging.

He is in the marines. yes he is in hawaii at the military base. He was sent to fight in iraq once already. 107 confirmed kills while over there. a bunch none confirmed. shot 7 times caused 3 broken ribs. Vest saved his life. 2 days to heal and sent out again. 5-6 scars from where grenade shrapnel has hit him. He is the point guard. He sees all the action all of the time. He is the first one to be shot at for going in first. <br />
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Gets to go back very soon.

A lot of people tell me they understand me, but i do believe he is the only one who actually does understand me for one reason. He would defend me by telling people that this is just how i am. He knows i will never change. No amount of beatings that he sent my way would change me. We get along really well now. I just never get to see him.

You worried me!! Ha, thank God you are fine, for one moment I thought you were really thinking about it.<br />
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Sorry, I over reacted, I just couldn't bare the idea.<br />
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Lots of love

i have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. Only this one brother who i am talking about i feel this way over. If he was to ever die i would want to be the one to take his life. If i was to die i would want it to be him who took mine. I would sacrifice the entire world to keep him alive. Maybe it is because we went through the same hell together and he is the only other one who was there with me.

Dearest MooMouse,<br />
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I don't know what to say, I can't just read and leave no comment. I really feel what you say. I have scars and cuts, really deep ones, and I thought of suicide.<br />
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I think you need to be more selfish, expect more from people and give them less. Try sleeping.<br />
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I sound like a granny! but I really care, and really want to make you feel better.

This is actually something i can relate to. Me and my brother gave each other hell. We hated each other so much and both had times were we could have killed each other. We have both come very close to it. Even though we had that much hatred for each other i can't explain why, but he is the one person on this earth i don't want to die. He is going back to war in a couple months too.