It Scares Me

i remember when i was younger and read about stories where people around my age had killed themselves, and i wondered why the hell they did it. it confused me why people felt that things got that bad. i never actually new anyone that has attempted suicide.

it's only when the depression hit me, that i realised what went through these peoples heads, and i hated it, still hate it. i've attempted a couple of times, the first being the time i really wanted it to work, however i get scared of attempting again, cos i don't wanna end up in hospital like i did the first time. i hate hospitals but also i cant stand the look on my parents face, and the fact that they tell me i'm all wrong in the way that i feel, and that i shouldn't feel that way. i hate them being angry with me, and i dont want them to tell me off and treat me like a reject cos of it. the daunting thing about that is, i know that if i did do anything, i would make sure it worked, so that wouldn't happen, i wouldn't have to see their reactions and expressions, and that really scares me at times. i know that people dont really want to die when they do it, but when the thoughts kick in, it doesnt feel that way, and i know that to. which is why it scares me so much, i know i dont wanna die, not really, but its the best sort of escape there is, you dont have to keep on pretending or faking or anything like that, it's what you feel is the right thing to do at the time.

sezy sezy
18-21, F
Aug 9, 2007